Showing posts with label Humour. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Humour. Show all posts

Thursday 1 November 2012

Shit My Friend's Say

I have the best group of friends a person could ask for; however they aren’t the sanest group of people you’ll ever meet. We all have a love for something creative be it art, writing, acting or music; we’re all very creative people.

There is a stereotype that creative people are kind of nuts and well, we don’t disappoint on that front.  The things that come out of our mouths are enough to make the average person wonder about our mental stability. However when we can make someone inside our group think that, well that’s just impressive.

This week my friends have been on fire, so I thought I’d share some of the funny, random and downright head hurting stuff that has flown out of their mouths.

Starting with......

“I am a horny ice cube.” – This is, believe it or not, how one of my dear friends introduced himself to someone I use to work with. Some who I’m willing to bet is un-friending me on Facebook as I write this.

“We’ve all been there a hot guy undresses and then boom there it is a tiny penis and instantly he’s hotness diminishes by like 600%. Do men have that same problem?” I have no comment for this at all, unless you want to answer her “do men have that same problem?” Sometimes I think I need new friends.

“Sex is like riding a kangaroo.” I can’t tell you where she was going with this one because she never got to finish it, because that’s what happens when you randomly blurt out “sex is like riding a kangaroo.”

“The stars are like the sun’s illegitimate bastard children.” This was said when I had people over for a late Thanksgiving last weekend. We were sat outside waiting for dessert and this gem fell out of one my friend’s mouths.

“Men like women to wear make-up while they’re having sex so they can tell if they’re doing a good job or not. The more clown-like the make-up looks the better job he did.” .......Really I think I could use some new friends. On second thought that one could be true, men’s minds are pretty messed up places after all.

So that’s some of the random things that my friends have said, what random things have your friends said let me know in the comment box below and as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch
xoxoxo

Tuesday 17 July 2012

Relationship Zombies

I use to call the men from my past that periodically pop up without notice “ghosts of relationships past”, but after some thinking and some drinking I decided the proper term for these men are “relationship zombies”. Let me explain.

First of all I really like the mental image of instead of batting these men away like human whack-a-moles I get to blow their zombie heads off with a .44. (Like I said I was drinking when I came up with this theory.)

Second, it would explain why these men pop up in the first place. I go out of my way to burn bridges and hurt feelings when I break up with someone, it’s kind of my insurance policy against them popping up in the future. But it never seems to work. Why you ask? Because they’re zombies and everyone knows zombies don’t have feelings.

Everyone always warns you to be careful who you date and I always thought that was because you might find yourself dating a rapist or a murderer but no, I was wrong. They tell you to be careful because those failed relationship turn into flesh eating (or at least flesh sucking) zombies that can pop up at any time without notice.

Where the hell was that PSA growing up? “Kids make good choices or zombies are going to stalk you for the rest of your life.” Would have been useful to know!

Or at least would have given me a chance to stalk up on zombie survival gear. TV fails me again.

Anyways how would you characterize your past relationships? And what do you think I was drinking when I came up with this one? Let me know in the comment box below and as always stay away from zombies.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 
xoxoxo

Saturday 14 July 2012

What Women Want

There’s one question I get asked time and time again, be it through email, twitter or even in person and that question is “what do women want?” And truth be told we don’t really know what we want a lot of time. And when we do know, it changes based on our mood, hormone levels and who’s asking.

It really isn't a straight forward type question, but there are few things I can tell you that will help you stay in our good books while we’re busy deciding what it is we want.

Remember Random Milestones- It’s a good rule of the thumb to know our birthday and anniversary but trying remembering some of the small things too like our first kiss or the first time we said I love you. As stupid as it sounds women just melt over that stuff.

Return Our Messages- Women gauge how into us you are by your replies or lack thereof. Once again we know it’s crazy but that’s how the female brain works, so reply to us and “k” or “ok” doesn’t count.

Women Love Intelligent Men- And your world of knowledge about sports doesn’t count. We like to have meaningful conversations and decisions. If you can’t hold your own in a conversation you’re screwed and not in the fun way.

Be Honest- If you lie to us we will find out and make your life a living hell, we specialize in that shit. So save yourself a few headaches and just be honest with us.

Have a Sense Of Humor- A great sense of humour is important to all women, you can win a girl over by making her laugh and you can lose one by failure to do so.

Listen To Her- This one is really important. Actually listen to her don’t just pretend actually do it. You don’t have to offer advice or try and fix everything just listen.

Be Generous- Gifts are never frowned upon, it doesn’t have to be big just thoughtful, pick some flowers, teddy bear, surprise her with dinner or dancing. Put some effort in and don’t be tight wad, tight wads never get laid.

Keep Promises- No matter what happens, keep your promises, if there is a chance you may not be able to come through with something don’t promise us. You’re only as good as your word.

Kiss Her for No Reason- Before/during/after sex doesn’t count. Kiss her when you come in a room, kiss her while she’s cooking dinner. Kiss her when you’re not trying to get laid!

Hold Her Hand – There is something very sweet about walking hand in hand with someone you love or just holding hands under the table while you’re out to dinner with friends. It goes a long way to show how you feel.

Take up an Activity with her- .......Outside of the bedroom. Bowling, tennis, antiquing, anything the two of you can do together. And preferably something neither of you do already.

Be A Man- Do man things, change a tire, build something, do something that requires testosterone. There is nothing hotter than a man with a little dirty on his face, a little on sweaty side just grrrrr (said in the I’m going to rip your clothes off way not the I’m going to kill you way.)

Never Follow a Women- There is nothing less hot then a man following a woman. And more importantly a lot of women don’t want to lead. There is something very attractive about a man talking control.

Keep the Power- A lot of guy will give the power to the women in an attempt to gain approval. Stop it! Man the fuck up. Keep the power and use it. Power is sexy, remember that.

Don’t Need A Women- Staying on the power is sexy theme. Needy men, men who need relationships, men who lack a pair of balls are just sad. Most women will pity you not love you.

Protect Us – This doesn’t mean fight our fights or hit a guy in a bar, this mean make us feel safe. Put your arm around us when creeps are hitting on us, get up in the middle of the night when we hear a noise. Make us feel safe and protected.

Look After Us When We’re Sick – This one will get you massive bonus marks. There is nothing sweeter than a guy taking care of his sick girlfriend and NOT complaining about it. Making soup, just cuddling it means the world to us.

Time for the last and final rule that will help keep you in our good books.

Have Eyes For Only Her- Guys tend to suck at this final rule. I’ve been on dates where guys have gotten whip lash from how fast their head has spun following a girl with big fake boobs. Then they always complain about foot pain afterwards. It may have something to do with me stomping on it but I can’t be sure.

Just don’t do it! Have eyes for your girlfriend or date and her alone. Make her feel like she is the only girl who matters. If you can do that it’s a safe bet that you’ll be what she wants.

What do you guys think, do you agree with my list and is there anything I missed? Let me know in the comment box below.

As always stay and play safe, Love,

The Honest Bitch
xoxoxo 

Monday 9 July 2012

Positive Reinforcement

I’ve had a lovely week off but man, it was like the whole world knew I was taking some time off and were conspiring to plant ideas in my head. I have a notebook full of ideas that are just crying out to be made into blogs. It took some real will power not to log on to my computer and start writing.

Luckily I am back now and can start turning some of those ideas into readable words. I’m going to start with something that happened in the wee hours of Saturday morning.

I was chatting with NTB and like always when we chat the time got away from me and when I looked at the clock I realised it was almost 6am and I had to be up in 4 hours so I said good night and crawled into bed.

Just before I nodding off I picked up my phone to check my Twitter and noticed I had a text message. This was a little strange, normally any drunken messages I get have come and gone by that hour. I looked at the name and I didn’t immediately recognize it. After a few minutes my half asleep brain finally worked out who it was and who it was kind of through me for a loop. It was a guy I dated/slept with regularly 10 years ago (and if you’re doing the math I’m well aware how old I was 10 years ago).  

Needless to say I was a little curious to why he’d be messaging me. All sorts of things run through your head and none of them are good. Luckily he didn’t keep me guessing long, he soon made his intent very clear.

He wanted to relive some of the good old days and come over to “see me”.  Me not being stupid asked “and do what?” Him not being the coy type replied “f*ck you.” Charming I know.

Once he said that I quickly sent him a message saying “Oh, really? Last I heard you had a girlfriend.” I hadn’t heard anything but I figured men never change and he quickly confirmed that with his reply “So I’d still f*ck you”.

I was actually impressed by his honest reply. I almost wanted to throw him one as a reward. I mean we spend our whole lives telling men just to be honest with us. When one finally listens to that advice I kind of want to reward that positive behaviour. Kind of like the way you train a child......or dog, ignore the bad behaviour and reward the good.

However I’m not crazy and I really hate dealing with angry girlfriends so that’s never going to happen, positive reinforcement or not.

When it was clear he wasn’t making any progress in his mission to get in my pants he resulted to calling chicken. Not a smart move. I created that game, remember Chicken Man? I’m the master you don’t want to play that game with me you can’t win.

And he certainly didn’t win. I spent the next 40 minutes just messing with him. I’d charge the topic and wouldn’t answer questions. I just wouldn’t bite. And he was quickly getting frustrated with the whole thing. And I couldn’t stop laughing. You’d think after 10 years he could take a hint but apparently I spent that time getting smarter and he well......didn’t.

It still amazes me just how stupid some men can be; what did he think would happen? I’d fall into bed with him and things would be the same as they use to be? Give me a break, that’s not how the real world works.

And in all honesty given the choice I’d rather spend the evening with my battery operated friend. At least my rabbit has the common decency not to text at 6am.

So I have to ask, what do you think about the idea of rewarding good behaviour? And has an ex ever contracted you after a long period of time and if so, what did they want? Let me know in the comment box below.

As always my dears stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch
xoxoxo 

Wednesday 13 June 2012

Helping A Friend Through A Breakup

It’s been a long couple of days, one of my dear friends got dumped by a jerk and since my speciality is breakups, I’ve been at her 24 hour beck and call. Which means lots of late nights and a few makeup strained shoulders (anyone know how to get mascara out of a white shirt?).

Honestly I don’t really mind, although the first 24 hours after a breakup suck even for me. You can’t really do anything to help during that period. You just have to sit there and listen. And maybe throw out the odd “it’s going to be ok”. You can’t say anything else because they don’t want to hear it and it almost sounds a little forced. You just have to let them cry it out no matter how tough it is to watch.

When it comes to breakups I follow the saying “cry a river, build a bridge and get over it”. But unfortunately step 1 is crying the river.

Depending on how long they dated normally after 24 hours they’re ready for some humour based bad mouthing. You can’t be too mean at this point or they’ll burst into tears and say “but I love him” and nobody wants to see that mess (trust me). But if you can get them laughing 99% of time you’re golden.

With my friend the line that worked was “look on the bright side at least now you don’t have to shave his bear skin rug like back.” It was true and got a snotty laugh, gross but a good sign.

After humour bad mouthing comes my favourite part, junk and bitching. Admittedly I feel sick today after the pizza, ice cream and chocolate last night (please note no alcohol, that’s very important. NEVER give a dumpee booze) but she’s feeling better and that’s what matters. We spent the evening plotting revenge and discussing his small penis, lack of manners and how he laughs like a “brain dead hyena”.

While I’m home today recovering from last night’s junk fest she’s out with some of the other girls getting her hair and nails done. Once you stop the crying phase it’s important to look good. It makes you feel better and let’s face it, if you run into your ex there is no better revenge then looking hot (unless you're in your car when you run into him). Hell even if his friends see you they’ll report back to him so looking good is a must.

Normally after a week or so my friends are pretty much back to their normal selves. They might still have the odd tear and shouldn’t be drinking and left alone with their phone but on the whole there pretty stable at that point and the amount of calls I get reduces drastically.

I’m not sure how I ended up in this role but when my friends are crying they always ask for me. I don’t really understand it but my best guess is it’s because I don’t fed them lies, I don’t say they’ll get back together, I just listen and once they’re ready, joke with them. I mean I can’t fix it so all I can do is try to lighten things up and occasionally threaten an ex or two.

So that’s how I handle my friends when they’re going through a breakup but what do you do? Let me know in the comment box below.

As always my dears stay and play safe, Love,

The Honest Bitch 
xoxoxo

Sunday 6 May 2012

Marriage

This weekend one of my best friends from school got married and despite the fact I’m not a big fan of marriage and even a smaller fan of weddings I’m actually really happy for her. She's one of the very few that have gotten married for the right reasons and not because she’s Snookie and got herself knocked up. Plus her and her now husband, are perfect for each other.

If you follow me on twitter you’ll know marriage has been a bit of a theme this week. Some gossip made its way to me that Mr. X was getting married. Admittedly he did contracted me later that day telling me that the gossip was untrue. But I still want bonus points for taking the news (although false) so well. I even surprised myself. I was actually more upset that someone took the time to message me with that gossip thinking I would care.

The reason I took it so well is up for debate I’m either well and truly over him or I’m a “vindictive bitch”.  I think that’s a little harsh, betting girl would be a better way to put it. It’s not my fault half of all marriages end in divorce. And the odds said divorce turns nasty and bitter is ¼. None of that’s vindictive, its math.....throwing a party would be vindictive.....3rd Saturday in June good for everyone :-)

Personally I think I took it so well because the idea of him getting married is kind of funny to me. I believe the devil is a wedding planner and him with a wedding planner and a Bridezilla just makes me smile.

I’m a bitch and I know it but you have to find the humour in these things and for whatever reason him getting married just makes me laugh. Do that make me strange?

What random things make you laugh? And if I’m wrong and the devil isn’t a wedding planning what do you think he does for a living?

I need to head to bed, as always my dears stay safe, Love,

The Honest Bitch
xoxo 

Thursday 29 March 2012

Questionable Penis

There is something that has baffled women for years and I have to ask, why do guys take pictures of their junk and send it to us?

On behalf of women everywhere “STOP”! I don’t know what response you’re hoping for but I can guarantee you’re not getting it.

When we receive these unsolicited pictures our first response is to laugh, men look funny naked, it’s just a fact of life. While we’re laughing we’re also scanning the picture for information. This may sound strange but women are nosey and by scanning a picture of this type I managed to find out the guy I was chatting to was married. See, not so strange, it’s smart.

After all the laughing subsides, we begin to wonder why any guy in their right mind would want to show that off. Guys in these pictures always look so proud and after seeing more then my fair share I can safely say they shouldn’t be. I don’t believe there is such a thing as a well hung picture flasher.

Picture flasher is the technical name my friends and I have come up with for this phenomenon. Unlike their flasher cousins these men don’t wear trench coats they’re just armed with digital cameras.

I’m sorry to tell you this guys but on the whole women just aren’t turned on by seeing a dick. There is actually scientific research to back me up on that statement.

Men are mainly turned on visually; they can see something and thier little friend pops up to play.

Women on the other hand are more turned on by sound. We like to hear the interaction and hear that everything is being enjoyed. So because of that fact women are never going to ravage you just because you held your camera up to your junk.

The other thing you may not be aware of is women talk. We also share picture and when we share these pictures nice things are never spoken. I would say for every 1 picture you send 3 women and a guy see it.

If I had my way all the unsolicited pictures would be posted online with a picture of the guys face next to it. That way all women could see it and judge and or laugh for themselves.

Also by sending us these pictures you’re just setting yourself up for failure. If we decided to see your manhood in person, you know what we’re thinking. We’re thinking it’s a lot smaller than in the picture both in length and girth. Keeping in mind we probably didn’t think it was that big to begin with. That’s what you call double disappointment.

And double disappointment is the number one cause of faked orgasms.

Play safe, Love,

The Honest Bitch
xoxoxo

Tuesday 10 January 2012

Predictable Pigs

I was checking my Facebook the other night when I came across the above image. It kind of me laugh so I thought I'd share the humour. I didn't really think about it and went back to chatting.

When I looked back a few minutes later only guys has commented on it and they were all doing the same thing, trying to guess my bra size. My boobs are flattered but I was a little miffed. I have no problems with my boobs being a topic of conversation but I do have an issue with the fact none of the guys were single.

If I were their girlfriends I wouldn't be pleased. It just not an appropriate conversation. It's one thing if their girlfriends were in on the conversation but to randomly start guessing a female bra size, that's not cool.

After I commented trying to blow their comments off as “boys will be boys” they continue to try and guess. I knew what was coming next. I was so sure I even made a comment to my friend Jon that I was waiting for the inevitable inbox message.

And right on schedule there was an inbox message from one of the guys. It was a really sweet message but at the end of the day he has a girlfriend and he shouldn't be hitting on me. Not only does he have a girlfriend but said girlfriend is listed on his Facebook page. I'm not sure why but that makes it worse in my books.

It's just so slimy and not just slimy, predictably slimy.

There's nothing wrong with flirting, it actually has many health benefits but there is a line you need to watch when you're not single. When someone goes to the effort of moving a chat from somewhere public (e.g. Facebook wall) to somewhere private (e.g. inbox) you know his intentions aren't pure.

My biggest problem with the whole thing is how predictable it was. Would it kill someone to be original? Honesty would help too but that's as likely as Pinocchio's penis being longer than his nose. So I'll just settle for original.

Anyways my dears, that's all for now, although there is more to come. As always stay safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch
xoxo

Saturday 19 November 2011

Guest Post: An Open Letter From Mr.X

An open letter to The Honest Bitch and her loyal band of bitches,

The Honest Bitch is a curious creature. If you haven’t met her, then that is a shame for you because she is pretty thing with cute complexities and vulnerable virtues. I’ve met her, as you may have read. She has this tendency to rip my clothes off and take advantage of me, something for which I am immensely grateful, since the girl has some skills.

But she gets this magnificent blog to share her soul with the world. I gather some of you want to know about me, the enigmatic Mr X. Why, I have no idea, but allow me to indulge some of you.

I was born in London. It was a difficult birth because my mother was in Manchester at the time. I was raised by a pack of wolves until my youth. I was educated in the dreary school system that taught me that the correct answer is never the facts but what the teacher wants to hear. As a consequence, I managed to get an A in most subjects by writing my name and “How’s about it Miss?” on the front of most exam papers. Strangely, I did poorly in Media Studies. Mr Smith was obviously expecting me to put down actual answers.

Then I went to University in Oxford and instantly fell in love with the city. Sadly, society frowned upon marriage between a man and an urban area, so we had to just stay friends. I came away from my academic studies with a Masters in Wit, Charm and Cynicism. I also picked up a Doctorate in Trust Issues.

I now work as the boss of a shadowy organisation planning on world domination by turning the world’s brains to mush. That’s right; we are behind The X Factor, the Twilight saga and McDonalds.

The Honest Bitch and I met under auspicious circumstances. There I was, randomly spraying myself with two cans of Lynx on a beach, when an armada of women came galloping my way. However, no one was stopping The Honest Bitch, who battered through the crowd with the brutality of an ice hockey player. Little did I realise that she had studied such an art for some time.

So why aren’t we together? Well, I’m a man. Commitment breaks me out in a rash. We could be sex buddies but it would only lead to commitment and we wouldn’t be friends after the ugly break up, done via text message or a restraining order.

Some of you may have questions. Feel free to put them in the comments and those that The Honest Bitch really wants answering, I’m sure she’ll put them to me. The rest will probably end up on her Facebook page in some edited format!

Signing off,

Mr X

Thursday 20 October 2011

Double Standard

Why can’t women express their negative opinions about another woman without sounding like a catty bitch?

Men can say what they want about women, hell they can say whatever they want about other men and nobody bats an eyelash. But the second a women says something negative about anyone but particularly another women she’s a bitch or jealous or both. And the more she defends her opinion the worse she sounds.

I’m well aware I’m a bitch I don’t even try to hind that fact. But I’d like to be able to express an opinion about another female without people thinking that. I’m sure guys don’t know this because they’re blinded by the presents of boobs but sometimes females look a mess and because we don’t get boob blind we see what you don’t. That doesn’t make us catty, it makes us capable of seeing what is in front of us. It’s that same ability that lets us look at your penis and question the accuracy of the ruler you were using.

It always makes me laugh, guys have no issue listening to female talk about how good looking another female is. Hell most guys think it‘s hot but the second it turns negative we’re right back to catty bitch. You don’t see us calling guys catty bitches when they call another guy a douche bag do you?

It’s such a double standard and it drives me drives. Why can’t we just be honest about our opinions and not have to worry about how it’s being taken? I mean everyone has an opinion and everyone should be free to express it, not just the half of the population with a penis.

Anyways my dears I’m heading off for the evening. As always stay safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 
xoxo

Tuesday 11 October 2011

Twitter Stalker

I was having a conversation the other day with this Internet random. Ok, at this point he isn’t so random but he’s still a relative stranger. We were on Twitter chatting about film and TV mostly when I heard my phone go off. I looked down to see who it was and to my shock and horror I saw it was a text from a ghost of boyfriends past.

This is never a good thing. I do my very best to make sure when I’m finished with a guy he never wants to see or speak to me again.  So when I see an ex’s name pop-up I know I’m in trouble.

I looked at the message to see what the asshole was contracting me for. I was thinking law suit, warning me of the hit man he hired or maybe he was pregnant. I was a little relieved when all it said was “who’s the new man in your life?”

I was relieved but also confused. I’m single, so the only thing with a penis in my life is buzzy the rampant rabbit. So I replied back with just a question mark. He wasn’t worth risking chipping my nail polish over.

He quickly replied back with the name of the Internet random. This meant one of two things, he’s either friends with said random (which is unlikely because he has no friends) or he’s stalking my Twitter feed. Don’t you just love the digital age?

This, my dear friends, is why they call me a bitch, I simply replied with “Oh, he’s not new. He’s the guy I was imagining you were when we were sleeping together.”

Personally I thought it was funny, he on the other hand....always had a bad sense of humor.

What did he expect? He contacts me after 3 years and wants to know about my love life. Did he think I’d welcome him with open arms? Not a chance. I took the opportunity to teach the little bastard a lesson.... maybe he’ll think twice before he puts his nose in my business again.

I don’t believe in staying friends with ex’s. People breakup because they can no longer stand to be around the other person, staying friends is basically just removing the sex from the relationship. When did taking the sex out of anything make it better?

See my point? It’s kind of crazy when you think about it.

Anyways, that’s my rant on the matter. Have a great night and as always stay safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch
xoxo

Thursday 29 September 2011

Talk Like A Human

I normal don’t have a problem with people choosing to sound like an idiot. It’s a personal choice if you want to make people to think you failed kindergarten or not. However there are two things that make me want to bitch slap people.

The first one is when people add an X in ask or asked making it into axe or axed.

Why? There is no fucking need for it. It just makes it sound like you never stepped foot in a school. By all means be stupid but you don’t have to sound like you are. Where did the X even come from? It’s not like X is a commonly used letter in the English language. Some people just shouldn’t be allowed to open their mouths.

Speaking of people who shouldn’t be allowed to talk that brings me to the second thing that drives me crazy.  People who pronounce the silent H in words.

I remember be taught in first or second grade that you don’t pronounce the H in words like what and where. So who decided once you become fully grown you can start pronouncing that H? Did the H get jealous and decided it was time for him to start talking?

Some people blame Hollywood for whole H not being so silent thing but I blame stupid people emulating Hollywood. I mean it’s not a trend if only a few people do it. People should be smart enough to put a stop to things at are clearly stupid and make you sound stupid along with it.

All I ask is for people to use their brain and if you don’t have one keep your mouth shut so I don’t have to hear your nonsense.  

I’m heading off to find a way to cool off (stupid English weather). As always stay safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch
xoxo

Sunday 25 September 2011

Pet Names: Food Edition

I’m horrible with names so I rely heavily on pet names. And since I’m easily bored they aren’t always normal pet names. Hun and sweetheart just don’t cut it for me. Right name I’m big on banana and blueberry. Yes, I know, I’m strange.

Because of my odd pet names I’ve been given a mission to see if there are any food related pet names I can’t get away with. This was after I called someone Neapolitan ice cream and the person didn’t bat an eyelash.

So far there have only been two names that have given me a slight problem, they are “fluffy pink cotton candy” if I hadn't called a guy that it may have gone better and “marshmallow”. No one likes being called marshmallow. If you don’t believe me give it a try and see how well it goes over. I did get away with it after a little explaining.

On the list of names I got away and probably shouldn’t have is lobster, puffer fish, donut, chocolate cream pie and rump roast. Oh yes I’m that freaking adorable I can call someone rump roast without them saying a word.

I don’t know why but food pet names always come off sounding cute. It’s just one of life’s little mysteries. It’s a lot of fun too. I think everyone should give this a try and see how far you can push it without getting in trouble.

Before I go, can you guys think of any non-cute food pet names? It’s harder than you might think. Anyways I’m off as always stay safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch
xoxoxoxo

Thursday 15 September 2011

Quarter-Century Crisis

Did you know quarter-century crisis is an actual thing?

I’ve been suffering with some well and truly abnormal (at least abnormal for me) dreams lately. And it’s slowly driving me crazy.

So in an attempt to work out why I’m being pledged with dreams that aren’t very me I did some research. It turns out around the age of 25 your brain goes crazy.

We all know about mid-life crisis where men buy sports cars and women have facelifts. But it turns about before then a lot of people have something called a quarter-century crisis.

It’s when your brain switches to being adult. You’re brain stopped thinking about fun, drinking, sex and starts thinking about family, house, and marriage. In a nutshell it’s the start of your biological clock ticking.

The reason I’m having messed up dreams is because I’m too logical to want these things. So to get its point across my biological clock is invading my dreams. My dreams, where naked men and a murderous clown use to live. Damn I miss that clown. 20 years he’s been trying to kill me and I’m still here.

Now my dreams are a place of horror where Mr. X, fully clothed I might add, lives. And he’s not alone in there. There is a gorgeous house on a lake and a small person, a person, some might call a baby. The 3 of us live in said house, together. And the most horrifying part is I’m handcuffed. I’m in a tiny pair of handcuffs, so small they’re only fit on my ring finger.

It’s truly horrifying I know.

With my 25th birthday still 8 months away, I'm worried, what if these dreams get worse? I really can’t take much of this. What happens if dream me has twins or worse...... buys a minivan? ...Let’s not joke about such horrific things.

If this is the start of my quarter-century crisis, something tells me we’re all in trouble. Sane me is hard enough for someone people to handle so forget about crazy, biological clock clicking, brain gone crazy me. Although on the brightside it would make for some entertaining blogs.

Anyways I’m off to do anything but sleep, (sleep in a scary, scary place right now) as always my dears stay safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch
xoxoxoxo

Wednesday 13 July 2011

The Law Is The Law

There has been something making its rounds on Facebook…again and instead of ranting on one friend’s status I thought I’d just rant here instead to a wider less argumentative audience.

TO NON-PET OWNERS who visit my home. Don't complain about my pets. (1) They live here, you don't. (2) If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. That's why they call it 'Fur'nitur e. (3) Chances are, I love my pets more than I like you. (4) To you, they are animals. To me, they are family who are hairy, walk on all fours & don't talk back. Re-post if you love your pets!

Speaking as a non-pet owner, all the above it’s perfectly fine. There is no problem with furry furniture or you loving you animal more than me because odds are I’m not your biggest fan either. The problem comes when your stupid fucking pets jump on and lick me and you just stand there doing nothing looking like it’s the cutest thing in the world.

It’s not cute. It’s gross and really unhygienic.

It’s not that I hate pets. I grow up having dogs and cats. But mine were well trained and knew who the boss was.

If people want to pretend their pets are human, that’s perfectly fine by me. However if that’s the case I was to see those furry little bastards in a pair of teeny tiny paw-cuffs.

If a human were to act in the same manor, jumping on and licking me, without hesitation I’d have that person arrested. It’s a criminal act and I’d expect the perpetrator to be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law. If the offender happens to be four legged and have a cold nose so be it. I want to see the little bastard behind bars and in a bright orange jumpsuit. No means no and not speaking English is no excuse for breaking the law.

If you want to pretend your pet in human, that’s fine. I’ll play along but I want to see that them follow the same laws as any other human. After all fair is fair :-)

Stay safe guys, Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxoxo