Friday 22 February 2019

Valentine's Day


Normally around this time of year, I am writing this on February 11th, I’d be writing a piece mocking all the surviving Valentines Day posts. This year, however, is a little different, mainly because I feel like I’m having to survive Valentines Day.

It’s not that I’m longing for a boyfriend, or any of that typical whiny shit those types of posts normally cry on about. It’s that with everything going on, I am feeling very alone. I am having to play the part of someone who is incredibly strong, and I don’t feel it. And in playing that part I’m pushing people away because if I didn’t, I’d simply fall apart.

Now don’t get me wrong, I still stand by what I’ve said in all my past Valentines posts, if you need to survive Valentines Day you should stay single. You need to be able to find your own happiness without relying on anyone else. Now, I don’t fall under my own advice, happy is not my issue, I am fine on my own what I wish I had was someone to lean on. That said, I wouldn’t date me right, I am a mess and I wouldn’t place that on anyone.

But my lack of self-worth is a story for another day. I am going to go and get ready to return to work tomorrow, but before I go, I have this question for you; would you date you? Let me know in the comments below and as always. Stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch
xoxo

Friday 15 February 2019

Sad Eyes


I’ve mentioned this before, but I am going to mention it again, I can’t stand “sad eye”. I’m under no disillusion, I understand my mom is dying and I’m an only child basically losing the only family I have, I get that, and I understand it’s sad. Trust me, I get it, I’ve cried it out many a night. But looking at me with pity sad filled eyes really doesn’t help. It in a lot of ways it makes things worse.

I am a lot less social than I use to be and a lot of that is down to “sad eyes”. I either feel like people feel sorry for me or are judging me. I don’t feel like I’m allowed to be me. To fair, I don’t feel like myself most of the time, but when I do remotely feel normal, I feel as if I can’t show it.

This is part of the reason why the husband loves Tyler so much. He sees that he brings out the silly, fun side of me that hasn’t been around in quite a while. A lot of that was, until very recently, Tyler didn’t know what was going on. I had lost it on the phone with him a couple times, around the time when my mom was having surgery, but never vocalized what was happening. So, it’s yet to be seen whether he’ll continue to bring that out in me or if he’ll be another sad eyes person.

I can tell you he’s back off on non-work days. It’s is not ideal for me, but is understandable. He was a good distraction, but new coping mechanisms are always there to be found.  He doesn’t owe that to me nor would I ask for it so, life ticks on.

Anyways, I am going to go and hit the treadmill because it’s really hard to over think things when you can’t breathe. I would leave you with a Valentine’s related question but… who care? Just leave your thoughts in the comments below and as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch  
xoxo

Friday 8 February 2019

Tyler Proves Me Wrong


I made the comment a few weeks ago that Tyler doesn’t flirt. To quote myself, what I actually said was, “Tyler doesn’t flirt, not a at all, not one teeny tiny bit.”. And it appears I have to admit I was wrong. It’s almost as if he read my blog and made a point of proving me wrong. However, he didn’t and even if he had the post in question wasn’t up yet so... witchcraft. That’s clearly how he did it.

It’s strange because I said previously, I didn’t know how to handle him because he didn’t flirt and shockingly him flirting threw me off way more. It was so out of the blue it took me back. I was equally shocked, that he actually could flirt, and proud because the line was good. I wanted to give him a gold star.

I can’t for the life of me remember what he said, but ever since then he’s been flirtier. Not my level flirty, but a vast improvement from what he was doing before and let’s be honest. Not many people are my level of flirty.

Don’t get any ideas in your pretty heads though, the gay husband is not now, nor has he ever been right. Yeah, I knew where your minds were headed. Let’s stop those thoughts right there. Ok?

Anyways, I am off to enjoy what I have remaining of my days off, but before I go, I will leave you with this question; are you a nature flirt? Let me know in the comments below. And as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch
xoxo

Friday 1 February 2019

Not Off To A Great Start


It shouldn’t come as a surprise to me that 2019 is off to a less than perfect start. I’ve said it before, and I meant it, 2019 is going to suck. I didn’t, however, think it would suck this hard, this early on.


On Monday the 21st my mom went it for a routine check-up, it didn’t go well. Her kidney function was down to 8% and a lot of her other stats were not where they should or have been. At this point they tried to admit her. Since my mother is my mother, she told them not a chance that was happening. So, they arrange for her to come back the following morning at 9am, to meet with her team. If you know anything about the NHS, that’s not a good sign, to get a surgeon, doctor, specialist and nurse together, in the same place, with less than 24 hours’ notice is unheard of. And what happened next is even more unheard of. She was told she’d be having surgery at 7am the following day.

We knew she’d have to have surgery again soon due to the cloth is her AV fistula, but nobody was ready for how soon. Like I said the NHS doesn’t move quickly so, this just confirmed to me how bad things were. The surgery went fine, a lot longer than last time. This was down to the blocker they used being inserted into her diaphragm, meaning she was unable to breath on her own. Luckily, she regained the ability the breath unassisted around midnight and they were able to discharge her the next day. She’s at home now, battered a bruised but she’s doing ok.

I, other hand, am all shades of not ok. My only job in all of this is to hold my shit together and I am failing. Tyler said to me, not actually knowing what was going on, it’s ok to fall apart sometimes. And I agree. I have designated failing apart time. I am allowed to fall apart in the shower, in the car on the way home from work and in bed before I fall asleep on non-work days. However, my body doesn’t seem to want to uphold that schedule.

On Tuesday night at work, the day before my mom’s surgery, I was losing it. I held it together, just, on the way in. I kept together as I got everyone out of the office on their jobs. But, around midnight, for no real reason, I started shaking and I could feel the battle was over, I had I couldn’t fight the emotions anymore. At that moment my phone rang, and it was Tyler. I held back what I could and answered the phone. He knew something was up. He offered to listen, but when I couldn't talk about it, he didn’t push to find out what was wrong. He just hung around making jokes where he could.  Shifting my mind off things. I owe him one for that. I wouldn’t have made it through my shift without him.

Anyways, my face is starting to leak and I can’t deal with that right now, so I am going to end this here. I’ll leave with you with this question; how do you hold it together when everything is going wrong? Let me know your thoughts in the comments below and as always. Stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 
xoxo