Wednesday 29 May 2013

The Great Escape

I escaped and sadly there was no pink bus, or pink train or pink plane involved, actually I was involved very little in the actual maybe the title should be “I’ve been freed!”

What actually happened is I had a conversation with the job centre and the woman was asking about my hours and what I had been doing at this place. I told her I was working 9am to 5pm, Monday to Friday and that I hadn’t been doing much, apart from typing some stuff up word for word. When she heard that she was instantly unhappy. I thought I was unhappy she raised the bar.

She then asked me to speak to a manager who asked me the same questions and she wasn’t happy either, she was also a little frustrated by the fact the company I was working for and the company on their records wasn't the same. She then passed me on to another guy, who took some details and explained to me what they were told I’d be doing and what I was actually doing weren’t in line so he was pulling me from the placement, I wasn’t to go back and he’d deal with them. My hero J Shame he wasn’t wearing pink.

I’m strangely in two minds about this; I hated the “job” with a passion. I was pretty much doing busy work the whole time and there wasn’t even much of that to do. I enjoy being busy at work, a love a challenge, I love dealing with people, that’s why I’ve done so well in my past jobs. But this job has been the complete opposite. And in all honesty it was slowly destroying my soul....If I have may have been removed to make room for more sarcasm.

But on the other hand, I loved the people, they were fantastic. They were all creative which is always a huge bonus, we had acting, music, photography, throw in my writing and we had it all pretty much covered. They were an awesome group of people. (And I’m not just saying that because they may or may not be reading my blog)

Even the managers weren’t bad; they all seemed nice and approachable. My problem was purely the job or lack thereof.

I’m going to miss the people; the job on the other hand can suck my.......big toe. And then pay me £1000 because apparently that’s the going rate (never job search on Craigslist).

Since there isn’t really a question in this blog, let me know the strangest thing you’ve come across on
Craigslist. And as always stay and play safe.


The Honest Bitch

Monday 27 May 2013

When the fuck did I become an adult?

I recently had one of those scary “when the fuck did I become an adult?” moments and yes, I am aware I am now 26 years old and by law I’ve been an adult for many years but it’s scary when your brain starts behaving like an adult without any conscious effort. I am worried "adult" is becoming my brains default setting and I’m not ready for that.

Just the thought gives me the heebie-jeebies.

Here’s what happened; I was having a Facebook conversation with a friend about Nashville or to be exact about how she needed to hurry and watch the damn finale, when somehow the conversation took a serious turn into current events.  I won’t go into too many details because this isn’t the place for serious talk and I’m sure as hell not the person for it

Me and my friend were going back and forth agreeing on some things, disagreeing on others, just having an honest debate nothing malicious or personal. After we both made our points and came to an understanding she said something that gave me that “when the fuck did I become an adult moment?”

She said “See I can talk to you. You agree, disagree, show another side, more information, where others just go NO, THIS IS RIGHT, YOUR WRONG.”

After she said that I just sat there thinking “when the fuck did that happen? “I mean there are still some topics where I’m all “I’m right, end of” equality is the one that comes to mind. There is no valid argument against equality as far as I’m concerned. But I remember a time where I was like that with most things but now I’m interested in both sides. I want to have a full understanding, even if I don’t agree with it.

My brain is becoming an adult and I don’t like it, what if all the crazy in there becomes logical? I can’t do normal. I don’t like normal. Pandas don’t ride around on roller-skate eating cotton candy in normal brains.

What was your first “when the fuck did I become an adult?” moment? Let me know in the comment box below and as always stay and play safe.


The Honest Bitch 


Saturday 25 May 2013

Spacious Prison Cell

Some jobs can be horrible but the people make it fantastic, other jobs are fantastic but the people make it unbearable.... then you have my job.

This week I started 4 weeks of unpaid work in an attempt to beef up my CV or at the very least skim over the reason I left my last job. The second I say “I hurt my back” and that’s why I left, the person interviewing me goes all non-hirey. It’s like a bad magic trick, it makes jobs disappear.

My hope is by doing this work I can show my back wouldn’t be a problem for any future employer. That’s a lie but they can’t argue with proof. The fact it’s taking a large amount of pills (they’re prescription, don’t worry) and biofreeze to make it through the day is between you and me.

The problem is this proof/job is.......well....let me tell you about it. The first 3 days, I sat alone in a large empty blue room looking out a window wondering if I jumped would I be hurt bad enough to go conclusion was no, no I wouldn’t. I didn’t have any actual work to do. On day 1 I was told to research something, which took me all of 2 hours to do. And that was that for 3 days.

Day 4 things appeared in the room so now I was alone in a large blue room not a large empty blue room and I was given some actual work to do. I was given a large pink folder and told to copy everything out word for word. Not my idea of a fun time but it was something to do. However I was still all alone.

Actually that’s not 100% true; they’re other people who work there and they’re awesome and super funny but they work on the ground floor, the second floor (if you can call it that) is the managers and then you have me, freaking Ann Frank, in what feels like an attic or as I call it a spacious jail cell.

But thankfully the lovely ground floor people have made a point to come visit me in my cell so I don’t go mad from the silence but for the most part my cell is still a very lonely place.

Day 5 I continued with the word for word typing and came up with a new escape plan, since jumping was clearly never going to work. There is this pink bus that comes by so I decided I could jump, land on the bus hold on for dear life and ride off into the wild grey yonder (the job is in town, its concrete for as far as the eye can see)

Just for the record I am aware there’s a door I could use but....where’s the fun in that?

Luckily Monday is bank holiday so I only have 14 working days left before I’m freed from my cell. Not that I’m counting or anything......There’s an app for that J

So if you were me what creative means of escape would you use? Let me know in the comment box below and who know, maybe I’ll use one of them. As always my dears stay and escape prison safe.


The Honest Bitch 

Friday 17 May 2013

The Grinch Who Stole My 21st Birthday

It’s my birthday! Or as I call it the anniversary of the day I knocked my ex-boyfriend out cold. I wrote a blog a long time ago, August 2011 to be exact, about it and over the years something interesting has happen with that post, it’s accumulated just under 50,000 views. By far my most read blog of all time. It’s horrifying and makes me really wish I had done a better job writing it. So since it’s the 5 year anniversary of that event I thought I’d take another swing (pun intended) at writing it.

Let me start by telling you a little about the Grinch; The Grinch was a 27 year old personal trainer and regular in my local pub. The fact he drank in that place should have been my first warning sign but sadly it wasn’t.

We had been swapping flirty eyes for months when New Year’s Eve rolled around and since I was a wee bit intoxicated (it was New Year’s Eve after all) I decided screw it and make the first move. We ended up having a fantastic time and exchanged numbers at the end of the night.

The Grinch was a real slow mover, we texted all the time and chatted but things were going nowhere. Then after a huge push from some friends, we somehow ended up in a relationship not long after Valentine’s Day.

It was never a happy relationship, that dude had more issues than Playboy. Issues he did a fantastic job of hiding until I had and everyone knew I had that “girlfriend” title.  He had a massive problem knowing when to stop drinking and I later found out he had a drug problem too. Which would have been an instant deal breaker had I known.

I remember one night he called me up begging me to come get him, I reluctantly agreed to come and take him home. I get him to his place and he wouldn’t get out of my car. I pushed him, pulled him, hell I even kicked him and he wasn’t moving. After 40 minutes of this shit I had him half way out of my car. Then out of nowhere he looks at me, laughs, gets back in and shuts the car door. That man is lucky I didn’t kill him right then and there. I decided fuck it and drove home to let him sleep it off in my car.

3 hours later I’m a sleep in my bed when I hear noises at my door, I get up to see what the hell is happening only to discover the Grinch trying to get in my house with his keys. I was fuming but let him in since I didn’t really have any other choose. I gave him my bed and slept on the couch. I was ready to dump his sorry ass right there but stupidly listened to my friends and gave him one more chance instead. (Needless to say I’m no longer friends with those people.)

A few weeks after that nightmare, started another one when he dragged me to his cousin’s wedding. It’s a well known fact I hate weddings and this wedding did nothing to help that. The first problem was he evidently comes from a long line of whack-a-doodles. These people made the Adam’s Family look normal.

The second problem was him. He was drunk, loud and ridiculously rude to his family. I was mortified to be seen with him. He was such an ass at one point I ended up putting him on the floor. He spent the weekend acting like an obnoxious over grown child.

After that shit show I had every indentation of dumping him; however it was only 10 day until my birthday so I figured I’d wait until then, after what that asshole put me through I figured I deserved a present.......or a metal.

As much as I deserved it I never did get that present, 2 days before my birthday he dumped me. That’s right that sorry fucking excuse for a man dumped me! It would be a drastic understatement to say I was pissed. I wasn’t hurt, or heartbroken I was just plain old mad. After the way he acted who was he to dump me?

As if I wasn’t mad enough I found out he was planning to pop in and see me at my birthday party, a party I had been saying for month I didn’t want. But he and my best friend wouldn’t have any of it. I figure since we had broken up I could spend my birthday the way I wanted to....I was clearly mistaken.

To be fair up until the Grinch walked in I was having a wonderful time. Then he walked in and I actually saw red. After that I don’t remember anything until we were stood outside talking and he clearly said something I didn’t like because the next thing I knew I had punched him square in the jaw and he was falling in what felt like slow-motion. I do however remember afterwards feeling really cheated because he went down do easily. I wanted to kick the shit out of him. It was so disappointing, kind of like our relationship.

The real punch line is he was a personal trainer who had just come back from a boxing course......Guess they forgot to teach him to keep his hands up.

I got a lot of praise and few drinks for putting that asshole in his place. He use to walk around with a puffed chest and an over inflated ego. He couldn’t do that after getting beaten up by a girl.

As good as it felt; it kind of sucks that that’s my 21st birthday memory. He stole that night from me, hell he stole all my birthdays from me. A birthday doesn’t pass without someone talking about my 21st. On the bright side I did do something that a lot of women only dream of.

I told you about my birthday memory now it’s your turn to share yours, the good or the bad, let me hear them in the comment box below. And as always stay and drink tequila safe.


The Honest Bitch 

Wednesday 8 May 2013

Guest Post Dilemma

I’ve been working on a guest post (that I may never finish at this rate) for about how we all bitch and moan about wanting to find the elusive triple threat guy; a guy that’s not only nice and sweet but funny too, yet when we were in school we all over looked these sweet, funny guys in favor of guys, who in hindsight, were total douche bags.

Because I’m not a total hypocrite and like to heed some of my own advice, I messaged the guy who in my mind is the quintessential nice, sweet, funny guy that got over looked in school.

Besides the fact it took him a week to reply to me (which isn’t cool and almost caused a blog about us turning those nice guys into douche bags) it went ok. It was nice to catch up with him and there may have been a little harmless flirting going on. But after a couple of days messaging back and forth he vanished without a trace, and after two unanswered messages (which contained questions) and 8 days, I am declaring him officially dead.

Which leaves me with the problem of how to finish my guest post; did we turn all the nice guys into assholes? Maybe I just broke this one or maybe they just seemed so nice in school because the guys we were chasing were such fuckwits in comparison.

What do you guys think? I want to hear your opinions on this, leave your comment in the comment box below and as always stay and play safe.


The Honest Bitch 

Saturday 4 May 2013

Judgey McJudge Pants

I am aware that when it comes to my exes I can be Judgey McJudge Pants but you tell me what you think.....

I told you guys last month about yet another one of my exes marring the girl he dated right after me. But then I found out something which I think is fucked up but I’ll let you decide for yourselves.

The guy who I am going to call Bert and the wife who I am going to call Ernie (because I can) aren’t living together. Bert’s still living at home with his mom and Ernie is living with her parents.

And before you say, "maybe they haven’t had a chance to move yet", no, there is no place lined up, hell they’re not even looking.


“Oh, let’s get married and live like divorced people” What the fuck? I get that some people choose not to live together before marriage but the key word there is BEFORE. Once they’re married that separate living ends.

But maybe once again I’m being Judgey McJudge Pants let me know what your unbiased thoughts are in the comment box below. And as always my dears stay and play safe.


The Honest Bitch