Sunday, 29 July 2012

Relationship Killers

There is something very strange going on with my group of friends, we’re pretty much all single or on the road to singledom, which is unheard of. For the most part we’re always outnumbered by loved up couples; it kind of makes a nice change. Because of our group's singleness and the few that are about to make that relationship status change we got chatting about why relationships fail and because drunk conversations are always fun I thought I’d share our findings with you guys.

Lack of Sex Drive – You’d be right in guessing this was the biggest complaint/whine from my male friends. When asked how much sex is the right amount they said 4 times a my dear friends are going to die alone with your hand.

Friends/In-laws- This was one of the biggest issues my female friends had. The family issue was pretty minor, at least for my non-married friends. That issues gets a lot bigger once you say “I do” apparently. My female friends biggest problems was and I quote “his douche-bag friends”. My experience is douche-bags flock together if his friends are that way; he probably is too, so run!

Boredom – We’ve all been there, you get bored of dating the same person and doing the same things, kissing the same face. It just happens sometimes.

Jealousy – Being jealous was something my guy friends had a problem with. But since men are from Mars and women from Venus the girls in my group actually had a problem with their boyfriends not being jealous. Girls like to know that their boyfriends care and them showing a wee bit of jealousy can be kind of sweet. But apparently guys don’t see it that way.

Control Issues – There is a fine balance of give and take in a relationship and when that doesn’t happen, relationships end. Nobody likes being dominated in a relationship save that shit for the bedroom.

Time – Both too much and not enough can be a problem. People need some alone time but given too much of it, you may start to wonder why you’re even in a relationship.

Attachment – Be it my girl friends or guy friends nobody likes a clingy partner. And they also don’t like a clones, someone who is so attached to you they stop functioning like an individual. Doormats aren’t hot, be yourself.

Selfishness- This one speaks for itself. If you want someone to cater to your every whim, hire a maid.

Stubbornness – I’m guilty of this one; I blame it on me being a Taurus. This one goes back to give and take in a relationship. However I standby when I’m right, I’m right and I’m not going to back down when I know I’m right. (Yeah, I’m going to die alone with a million cats.)

Not Being Compatible – This is why you shouldn’t jump into relationships people. This is one of those bullshit problems that shouldn’t be an issue; if you’re not compatible with someone don’t enter a relationship with that person.

Cheating and Lies – Once you do something to lose the trust of the other person, the relationship is always doomed. No matter what you do you can’t rebuild it. Side note: we all agree (guys and girls) faking orgasms doesn’t count as lying and they don’t want to know you’re doing it (trust me).

Poor Communication Skills – Commutation consists of two basic things, listening and talking and you have to do both well to have a healthy relationship. You have to understand that your partner isn’t a mind reader and you need to voice things. On the other hand when your partner voices things you need to listen (actually listen don't just pretend you are).

Comfort Zone – When you get to the point where body functions are normal and you stop putting any effort into your looks. You stop shaving, doing your hair, wearing makeup, you’ve officially reached the point where romance is dead and a lot the time the relationship follows suit.

Lack of Appreciation – When you don’t appreciation what you have it goes away, just remember that.

Disillusionment – We always think the grass is greener on the other side, there is someone better looking, with more money out there. You begin to over think what a relationship should be, those are all very dangerous thoughts to have in a relationship

Fault Finding – Women are experts at this. And within my group of friends we’ve broken up with people, mainly guys, for some frankly pathetic reasons. Here’s a short list of some of my favorites. Too young, too short, strange eye twitch, his hands are like sandpaper and my favorite his dog has bad breath.

So that’s our list of relationship killers, what do you think? Did we miss anything? And what have been your past relationship killers? Let me know in the comment box below. As always my dears stay and play safe.


The Honest Bitch

Thursday, 26 July 2012

July 7th Wedding

We all know I’m not a fan of weddings but sometimes one comes along that despite my best effort I can’t get out of. My step dad’s, brother’s son’s wedding was one of those events that I just couldn’t get out of. And God knows I tried.

As you can tell by what I called him, we’re not close; actually I hadn’t seen the groom in at least 5 years. I don’t really enjoy the company of my step dad’s family or even my step dad for that matter but to keep the peace I agreed to go.

My first problem with the wedding was that date, July 7th. Call me strange but getting married of the 7th anniversary of the London bombing just doesn’t seem romantic to me. But each to their own I guess.

The wedding itself was alright and fairly painless. The bride (who I’ve never met) looked pretty. I was just impressed by the fact she wore flats, clever girl. I stuck around just long enough to congratulate the bride and groom and to watch a few of the photos being taken, then made my getaway just before it started to rain.

The day didn’t go off without a hitch though, about 10 minutes after I arrived 999 was called. The groom’s grandfather took a funny turn. I understand that it can be frightening but wow they suck in a crisis. They just stood there in front of him screaming and crying.

I’ve been in situations where my mom’s been ill and been taken away in an ambulance, but I’ve always managed to keep my shit together till after she was on route to the hospital.  Getting upset like that just stresses the sick person out and makes things worse. If you can’t get a grip, walk away that’s just common sense.

Before you start thinking I’m a heartless bitch the guy is fine. The room was hot and he hadn’t eaten or drank all day. I just think he didn’t want to be there either and his plan to get out of it was better than mine.

People wonder why I hate weddings, it’s because it’s never about the bride and groom. It’s about who got drunk, who got sick, who did something stupid that will always be remember more than the I do’s.

So that’s my reason for hating weddings, what wedding stories do you guys have? And do you love them or hate them? Let me know in the comment box below. As always my dears stay safe.


The Honest Bitch 

Sunday, 22 July 2012

Dating Horror Story – Ex Talk

I asked this question on Facebook “what is your biggest turn off?” And someone replied “hearing about his ex all day”. That got me thinking about possibly my worst date ever. Since I know how much you guys enjoying hearing about my dating nightmares I thought I’d share.

It must have been about 5 years ago I met this guy. He was a few years older than me, lived locally and had his own photography business. The kind of guy that sounds good on paper. And since he was a Facebook guy paper was all I had to go on.

We swapped numbers and starting texting and chatting; we seemed to have a lot in common and talked pretty much every day for a month. The strange thing was apart from the first night we started chatting, none of our chats had any flirty notes at all.

So I was a little surprised when he asked me out on date, I was certain he wasn’t interested in me. He spent a lot of that past month talking about his ex girlfriend. I was positive he was still hung up on her no matter what he said so for obvious reasons I turned him down.

 After turning him down he pretty much badgered me into changing my mind. Insisting he had no feelings for his ex at all. Against my better judgement I agree to go see a film with him.

However the second I saw his car I knew I made the wrong decision. On the side of his car was a picture of his ex with his company name underneath. I should have ran there and then but I didn’t.

We didn’t talk at all on the way to the theatre; luckily it was a short ride. Once there he bought tickets to see some guy film, he didn’t even ask me what I wanted to see. And the worst part was we had a 45 minute wait.

During those 45 minutes he didn’t ask me anything he spent the whole time talking about his ex. I spent that time secretly texting on my phone trying to get a friend to come rescue me.

After the longest 45 minutes of my life we went into the theatre. He didn’t buy drinks, popcorn, nothing (men of the world, don’t do that, ever). We didn’t even sit next to each other. There was an empty seat between us. I don’t think we even said two worlds to each other. Luckily the film wasn’t bad, definitely the highlight of the night.

Once the film was over we went back to his car and I was thankful it was finally over, well it wasn’t quite. On the way back he went through a KFC drive-thru and got himself food, didn’t even offer me anything.

When he finally dropped my off, I basically ran to my front door, I couldn’t get away from him quick enough.

I guess if there is a positive to be taken away from this date; it’s that I learned to always to drive myself to dates. And also to listen to my gut that was a date I should have never been on.

So what date talking about their ex stories do you guys have? Let me know in the comment box below and as always stay safe.


The Honest Bitch 

Tuesday, 17 July 2012

Relationship Zombies

I use to call the men from my past that periodically pop up without notice “ghosts of relationships past”, but after some thinking and some drinking I decided the proper term for these men are “relationship zombies”. Let me explain.

First of all I really like the mental image of instead of batting these men away like human whack-a-moles I get to blow their zombie heads off with a .44. (Like I said I was drinking when I came up with this theory.)

Second, it would explain why these men pop up in the first place. I go out of my way to burn bridges and hurt feelings when I break up with someone, it’s kind of my insurance policy against them popping up in the future. But it never seems to work. Why you ask? Because they’re zombies and everyone knows zombies don’t have feelings.

Everyone always warns you to be careful who you date and I always thought that was because you might find yourself dating a rapist or a murderer but no, I was wrong. They tell you to be careful because those failed relationship turn into flesh eating (or at least flesh sucking) zombies that can pop up at any time without notice.

Where the hell was that PSA growing up? “Kids make good choices or zombies are going to stalk you for the rest of your life.” Would have been useful to know!

Or at least would have given me a chance to stalk up on zombie survival gear. TV fails me again.

Anyways how would you characterize your past relationships? And what do you think I was drinking when I came up with this one? Let me know in the comment box below and as always stay away from zombies.


The Honest Bitch 

Saturday, 14 July 2012

What Women Want

There’s one question I get asked time and time again, be it through email, twitter or even in person and that question is “what do women want?” And truth be told we don’t really know what we want a lot of time. And when we do know, it changes based on our mood, hormone levels and who’s asking.

It really isn't a straight forward type question, but there are few things I can tell you that will help you stay in our good books while we’re busy deciding what it is we want.

Remember Random Milestones- It’s a good rule of the thumb to know our birthday and anniversary but trying remembering some of the small things too like our first kiss or the first time we said I love you. As stupid as it sounds women just melt over that stuff.

Return Our Messages- Women gauge how into us you are by your replies or lack thereof. Once again we know it’s crazy but that’s how the female brain works, so reply to us and “k” or “ok” doesn’t count.

Women Love Intelligent Men- And your world of knowledge about sports doesn’t count. We like to have meaningful conversations and decisions. If you can’t hold your own in a conversation you’re screwed and not in the fun way.

Be Honest- If you lie to us we will find out and make your life a living hell, we specialize in that shit. So save yourself a few headaches and just be honest with us.

Have a Sense Of Humor- A great sense of humour is important to all women, you can win a girl over by making her laugh and you can lose one by failure to do so.

Listen To Her- This one is really important. Actually listen to her don’t just pretend actually do it. You don’t have to offer advice or try and fix everything just listen.

Be Generous- Gifts are never frowned upon, it doesn’t have to be big just thoughtful, pick some flowers, teddy bear, surprise her with dinner or dancing. Put some effort in and don’t be tight wad, tight wads never get laid.

Keep Promises- No matter what happens, keep your promises, if there is a chance you may not be able to come through with something don’t promise us. You’re only as good as your word.

Kiss Her for No Reason- Before/during/after sex doesn’t count. Kiss her when you come in a room, kiss her while she’s cooking dinner. Kiss her when you’re not trying to get laid!

Hold Her Hand – There is something very sweet about walking hand in hand with someone you love or just holding hands under the table while you’re out to dinner with friends. It goes a long way to show how you feel.

Take up an Activity with her- .......Outside of the bedroom. Bowling, tennis, antiquing, anything the two of you can do together. And preferably something neither of you do already.

Be A Man- Do man things, change a tire, build something, do something that requires testosterone. There is nothing hotter than a man with a little dirty on his face, a little on sweaty side just grrrrr (said in the I’m going to rip your clothes off way not the I’m going to kill you way.)

Never Follow a Women- There is nothing less hot then a man following a woman. And more importantly a lot of women don’t want to lead. There is something very attractive about a man talking control.

Keep the Power- A lot of guy will give the power to the women in an attempt to gain approval. Stop it! Man the fuck up. Keep the power and use it. Power is sexy, remember that.

Don’t Need A Women- Staying on the power is sexy theme. Needy men, men who need relationships, men who lack a pair of balls are just sad. Most women will pity you not love you.

Protect Us – This doesn’t mean fight our fights or hit a guy in a bar, this mean make us feel safe. Put your arm around us when creeps are hitting on us, get up in the middle of the night when we hear a noise. Make us feel safe and protected.

Look After Us When We’re Sick – This one will get you massive bonus marks. There is nothing sweeter than a guy taking care of his sick girlfriend and NOT complaining about it. Making soup, just cuddling it means the world to us.

Time for the last and final rule that will help keep you in our good books.

Have Eyes For Only Her- Guys tend to suck at this final rule. I’ve been on dates where guys have gotten whip lash from how fast their head has spun following a girl with big fake boobs. Then they always complain about foot pain afterwards. It may have something to do with me stomping on it but I can’t be sure.

Just don’t do it! Have eyes for your girlfriend or date and her alone. Make her feel like she is the only girl who matters. If you can do that it’s a safe bet that you’ll be what she wants.

What do you guys think, do you agree with my list and is there anything I missed? Let me know in the comment box below.

As always stay and play safe, Love,

The Honest Bitch

Monday, 9 July 2012

Positive Reinforcement

I’ve had a lovely week off but man, it was like the whole world knew I was taking some time off and were conspiring to plant ideas in my head. I have a notebook full of ideas that are just crying out to be made into blogs. It took some real will power not to log on to my computer and start writing.

Luckily I am back now and can start turning some of those ideas into readable words. I’m going to start with something that happened in the wee hours of Saturday morning.

I was chatting with NTB and like always when we chat the time got away from me and when I looked at the clock I realised it was almost 6am and I had to be up in 4 hours so I said good night and crawled into bed.

Just before I nodding off I picked up my phone to check my Twitter and noticed I had a text message. This was a little strange, normally any drunken messages I get have come and gone by that hour. I looked at the name and I didn’t immediately recognize it. After a few minutes my half asleep brain finally worked out who it was and who it was kind of through me for a loop. It was a guy I dated/slept with regularly 10 years ago (and if you’re doing the math I’m well aware how old I was 10 years ago).  

Needless to say I was a little curious to why he’d be messaging me. All sorts of things run through your head and none of them are good. Luckily he didn’t keep me guessing long, he soon made his intent very clear.

He wanted to relive some of the good old days and come over to “see me”.  Me not being stupid asked “and do what?” Him not being the coy type replied “f*ck you.” Charming I know.

Once he said that I quickly sent him a message saying “Oh, really? Last I heard you had a girlfriend.” I hadn’t heard anything but I figured men never change and he quickly confirmed that with his reply “So I’d still f*ck you”.

I was actually impressed by his honest reply. I almost wanted to throw him one as a reward. I mean we spend our whole lives telling men just to be honest with us. When one finally listens to that advice I kind of want to reward that positive behaviour. Kind of like the way you train a child......or dog, ignore the bad behaviour and reward the good.

However I’m not crazy and I really hate dealing with angry girlfriends so that’s never going to happen, positive reinforcement or not.

When it was clear he wasn’t making any progress in his mission to get in my pants he resulted to calling chicken. Not a smart move. I created that game, remember Chicken Man? I’m the master you don’t want to play that game with me you can’t win.

And he certainly didn’t win. I spent the next 40 minutes just messing with him. I’d charge the topic and wouldn’t answer questions. I just wouldn’t bite. And he was quickly getting frustrated with the whole thing. And I couldn’t stop laughing. You’d think after 10 years he could take a hint but apparently I spent that time getting smarter and he well......didn’t.

It still amazes me just how stupid some men can be; what did he think would happen? I’d fall into bed with him and things would be the same as they use to be? Give me a break, that’s not how the real world works.

And in all honesty given the choice I’d rather spend the evening with my battery operated friend. At least my rabbit has the common decency not to text at 6am.

So I have to ask, what do you think about the idea of rewarding good behaviour? And has an ex ever contracted you after a long period of time and if so, what did they want? Let me know in the comment box below.

As always my dears stay and play safe.


The Honest Bitch