Thursday 31 January 2013

Guys around the Globe

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I’m currently reading “Guys around the Globe” by Chloe G. Wilde, I’m about half way through and so far I love it. As the title would lead you to believe it’s about her experiences with men around the world, some of which are frankly hilarious. It’s a very entertaining read and makes me feel a whole lot better knowing I’m not the only one who ends up in these weird situations. The book is definitely worth a read, I’ll include a link so you can check it out.

My only problem with the book is it pokes a massive hole in my theory that English guys are my problem. She’s having some of the same problems I’m having and her guys are from Germany, France, Italy, Africa and everywhere in-between (That’s sounds bad but you know what I mean).  

I’ve always said my issue with people on this side of the ocean is they don’t get me, guys in particularly. We’re just two different beasts that shouldn't mix and that’s why there was a giant ocean separating us in the first place.

I figured the answer to all my dating BS and nightmares was to find a Canadian guy. But now I’m not so sure. Maybe guys everywhere are assholes and my low bullshit tolerance is the problem.

What do you guys think, are guys everywhere the same or is there a difference? Let me know in the comment box below and as always, stay and play safe.


The Honest Bitch 

Tuesday 29 January 2013

Backup Plan

“If we’re both single by the time we’re 40 we’ll get married.” 

We’ve all made these pacts, the age varies but fundamentally they’re the same. If you are both single at your predetermined pathetic age, screw the idea of true love, you have a backup plan.

We’ve all made these pacts, and they’re normally done with two types of people.

Type 1: Someone you have a spark with but for whatever reason a relationship just didn’t/couldn’t happen.


Type 2: A friend who you love dearly, but could never imagine doing anything sexual with in a million years.

My pact was with a “type 2” guy I’m going to call Alex. We had a deal that if we got to 40 and were both single we’d marry each other. Alex was the perfect backup plan guy. Not overly good looking (but not ugly), not great with the ladies but a total sweetheart. As bad as it sounds I kind of thought he’d be single forever. Boy was I wrong. Alex got married almost 5 years ago. So much for my backup plan eh?

Thursday night I received a message from one of my ghosts, I’m going to call this one Logan. Logan and I go way back, B.S back (Before Sex). We never actually dated but we did sleep together.... a lot. I guess you could call him my first fuck friend.

Anyways back to the message; one of the first things Logan said to me was “I’ve been thinking a lot about you lately, do you remember our deal?” I don’t remember what I had for dinner last night, so how does anyone expect me to remember a deal I made years ago. To give me a hint he then said “when we turn 30?” At which point a drunken flash back hit me. Oh that deal. Apparently my backup had a backup.

First of all, since when do men actually listen? I don’t even remember that conversation, so how the hell does he. I mean I always thought cleavage power overrides the male memory.

And second of all, Logan now has the record for being the scariest ghost ever. Most ghosts pop up for sex, this........well this is new.

As for why I don’t remember the deal, well Logan is a “type 1” and I think he may have banged the memory out of my head. That happens, right?

Now don’t worry I’m not about to marry anyone let own Logan. I would like to think I’ve come a long way since my banging Logan days. And I’m not about to regress that far.

However the thought hunts me. I mean, what if he by some screwed up act of a vengeful god was the one? I would have wasted the past 10 years of my life. 10 years! That’s like my worst nightmare ever.

Does anyone actually marry their back up plan? Do people do that? I have to ask, do you have a back-up plan? And if so if it came down to it would you marry them? Let me know in the comment box below and as always stay and play safe.


The Honest Bitch 

Sunday 27 January 2013


Someone sent me a question asking why I call my exes ghosts and since my brain is taking an unplanned holiday (too many late nights not enough sleep) I thought I’d answer it here.

First things first, I call both exes and guys I slept once upon a time ghosts. And the reason is very simple, like ghosts you never expect to see these people. I’m not sure why but when you breakup with someone or stop sleeping with them your brain assumes they fell of the face of the planet or died or something. You just don’t expect to see these people ever again.

So when you do bump into these people or they send you a message out of the blue you get a “I'm screwed” feeling in your gut the same feeling I imagine you’d get if you run into an actual ghost.

Maybe I’m just crazy, am I the only one who gets that ghost like feeling when you hear from or see an ex? Or are there some of you out there that actually enjoy seeing your exes? Let me know in the comment box below and as always stay and play safe.


The Honest Bitch

Wednesday 23 January 2013

Advice in Strange Places

It’s no secret that I love to watch bad TV, Dance Moms, Cheer Perfection, Amish Mafia, pretty much anything on TLC. I just love the kind of show that makes you instantly feel better about yourself. I mean I might be messed up but at least I’m not Honey Boo Boo right?

Out of all the bad TV I watch I have a soft spot for 19 Kids and Counting, despite the fact I agree with them on very little I love the Duggar family. In a day and age where most families fail to raise 1 or 2 good kids; they’re raising 19. That’s pretty damn impressive....and crazy.

Because of my soft spot for them I’ve actually read both their books and oddly enough they weren’t bad and not at all preachy. There was however a paragraph in their second book that caught my attention.

“Men are geared differently than women; they need the physical relationship more often than women. Keep the perspective that you are the only one who can fulfil that special need in his life.” Then she says “With God’s grace we can do for each other what we ought to do, even when we don’t feel like it.”

That’s right the uber religious Michelle Duggar just said the key to a happy relationship is to have sex ever your partner wants, even if you don’t want to. That was a little titbit I didn’t see coming............Guess that explains the 19 kids.

Then last night while watching their shows one of their older girls said something that struck me as wise beyond her years, especially since it’s coming from a girl who has never been on a date or even kissed a boy.

“If you’re not happy and fulfilled when you’re single, you’ll never be happy and fulfilled when you’re with someone.”

That’s some very good advice from a very unlikely place; so I have to ask what strange places have you found good advice? And what bad TV do you love? Let me know in the comment box below. And as always stay and place safe.


The Honest Bitch 

Sunday 20 January 2013

Am I Lucky?

I just finished reading my blogging bestie’s latest post and it left me with a strange and somewhat disturbing thought......

Am I lucky to have had Mr. X?

Her version of Mr. X (Mr. M) recently discovered her blog, and well....he wasn’t a fan. He basically reverted back to being a small child and stopped speaking her; which is possibly the biggest fear among bloggers everywhere.

The fear isn’t that they’ll read our inner most thoughts; the fear is they won’t understand that it’s our thoughts. The fear is they'll read it as fact, black and white, when it’s actually part of our process to work things out. The female brain is a confusing place at the best of times and blogging is a way to unconfuse it. We write about what we feel and what we feel changes, involves, it’s not us being “mean” it’s us trying to balance the sane and crazy parts of our brains.

Mr. X understood that, he understood women talk and need to blow off steam; and for me, my blog is the place I do that. In a strange way Mr. X liked my blog, unlike most women, he knew what I was thinking and what I had to say when he wasn’t around. He took my blog for what it is, my crazy brain exploding in word form.

Her Mr. M didn’t get it; he was offended by her words, which makes no sense to me; blogging isn’t really your words, it’s your thoughts and feelings; people think not nice thoughts all day long. There is a disconnect (for most people) between the things you think and the things you say. There is a filter (or so I hear) that stops people saying things that might offend others. Blogging is like routine maintenance on that filter  It’s a way to clean it so one day it doesn’t snap and you start saying things that will land you in trouble. Mr. M; like lots of men doesn’t understand that.

Which leads me back to the question that started it all; “am I lucky to have had Mr. X?”

I have no answer for that question; right now it’s just crazy and sane fighting it out in my head so I shall leave you guys with this; why do you blog and does it complicate your relationships?

As always stay and play safe,

The Honest Bitch 

Monday 14 January 2013

Valentine’s Day

I’m already sick of hearing “Valentine’s Day is coming up!” and before you say anything, no, my dislike towards Valentine’s Day has nothing to do with the fact I’m single. Even when I’m in a relationship I’m not a fan of Valentine’s Day it’s just not my sort of holiday.

“Yucky, yucky mushy shit” (as I’ve been known to call it) has never been my thing, mainly because I don’t have a romantic bone in my body. I love to watch romance in my guilty rom-com pleasure but in reality I wouldn’t be wooed by a candlelight dinner and moonlight dance. That just doesn’t tickle my peach.

Romance is meant to give you an excited feeling, the normal Valentine’s Day protocol give me....a chance to brush up on my faking skills and there is nothing romantic about faking.

I don’t even understand why guys try the normal Valentine’s Day romance act on me. Anybody who knows me knows my love for the colour pink (in everything expect clothing) is the only thing girly about me. So why do they think all that changes just because the calendar reads February 14th?

You know what my idea of a perfect Valentine’s Day is? Pizza, beer and my beloved Leafs managing to actually win a fucking game! And if by some act of god they do manage to win, an orgasm to finish off the evening.

Before you say it, yes I know I’m weird but you wouldn’t be reading my blog if I was normal now would you? Since I told you about my ideal Valentine’s Day what’s yours? Let me know in the comment box below and as always stay and play safe.


The Honest Bitch 

Saturday 12 January 2013

Monster Bitch

I currently look like something out of a damn horror movie! If you follow me on twitter you know I haven’t been well for about a week now but things got bad Monday when I woke up with a high temperature and a rash all over my face. Since I’m a stubborn person I made till Wednesday with the burning, itchy rash and feeling like death before going to the doctors.

I couldn’t get in to see my doctor so I took an appointment with one of the other doctors, when I walked in and she had a look at my face, she was worried so she called another doctor in. It happened to be my actual GP and when he walked in the first words out of his mouth was “Oh my, you don’t look well at all”. How rude I know, I replied back “funny, because I feel fantastic.” After 45 minutes of poking my already painful face they didn’t agree what was wrong. She thought it was cellutis, which would have meant me going into hospital, my doctor thought the rash was secondary to my fever and if they took care of the fever the rash would go. So they gave me a cream and some high dose antibiotics and sent me home.

The next morning I was actually starting to look better and I felt a lot better than Thursday night happened, the house was spinning which lead to me being sick and then around 2am I caught a glimpse of myself in a mirror and screamed. My face had gone from scaring small children and the elderly to looking like I just walked off the set of a horror film. My mom took one look me and I was taken to A&E.

It was really strange because I didn’t feel fantastic but I felt a whole lot better than I did Wednesday but my face looked so much worse. When we got there the receptionist almost got punched in the face when she asked what was wrong. Anybody with one eye from 500 feet could tell what was wrong. And I wasn’t in any mood to deal with stupid.

When I finally saw the doctor, she turned out to be a junior doctor and she openly said she had no freaking clue at all what was going on. The registrar didn’t do much better so the poor junior doctor was sent on a mission to find out what it was; after ruling out meningitis and 5 hours of research she failed so they sent me elsewhere in the hospital for some answers and so I couldn’t sue in case they missed something that ended up killing me.

After the blood work and some other tests came back normal, the doctor decided what had happened is I caught the bug that’s going around at the same time I had infection somewhere in my body (which they couldn’t find, my white count was normal) and my body overreacted thinking it was one massive thing instead of two minor things leading to my face being turned into the thing nightmares are made of. Luckily they promise this rash will not leave any scars at all. They better be right! 

The almost funny thing is I should have been at a funeral Friday; that’s not funny I know, the funny part is every time I’m meant to attend a funeral I ended up in hospital luckily this time; no ambulance. People need to stop dying; hospital gowns aren’t the kind of fashion statement I’m trying to make.

Anyways I better listen to the doctors and get some rest, fingers crossed when I wake up I look less monster like. So what’s your favourite monster? Let me know in the comment box below and as always stay safe.


The Honest Bitch 

PS I'm playing the I'm sick card on any mistakes in this blog lol

Monday 7 January 2013

Unfriending Hockey

After my last few blog posts I thought I’d better message Mr. X to see just how much trouble I was in. And then this conversation happened.......

Me: I don’t like surprises so care to tell me if I’m in any trouble for anything I’ve written lately?

Mr. X: no
           But you are bitter
           Did you not consider why I am in an open relationship?

Me: I’m not bitter and no I didn’t

Mr. X: fair enough

Me: Because you wanted to watch me snap? Lol

Mr. X: no
          because I want a closed relationship with her
          and this is my in

Me: Good luck with that one

Mr. X: I don’t need luck any more

Me: y?

Mr. X: We’ve agreed to be exclusive last night

Me:  Cool
        Well done

Mr. X: Thanks

Me: Don’t screw it up

Mr. X:  I won’t
           so sorry
           no more flirting

Me: Not a problem
       Good luck Mr. X [I used his actual surname of course]

After I sent him that message I did something I’ve never done before; I unfriended someone. I’ve blocked plenty of people over the years but I’ve never unfriended anyone; but in this case he needed to be removed.

If you’ve been reading my blogs for a while you may remember Mr. X’s stunt a few Christmas’s ago when he told me he had feeling for me and then less than 24 hours later block me on everything, Facebook, Twitter, phone, email...he was gone. Let me just say I didn’t do that.

I didn’t block him on anything, I still follow him on Twitter and Skype, he’s free to contract me, I have no problem with him. We go back a long way; if he needs to talk he knows I’ll be there for him but with that being said I still feel that Facebook had to go. I just need my.....cyber space.

After that little conversation I’m not going to lie I wanted to curl up in bed with a bottle of Tequila. But I didn’t; I went for a run instead (which was a stupid idea given my back issues.) Then I just zoned out for the rest of the day I was feeling a little blah (for lack of a better word).

I didn’t sleep too well last night, I just felt off but after waking up to the news that after 113 days the NHL lockout is over, I feel awesome. If someone had told me 114 days ago all I had to do to prevent the lockout was unfriend him, he would have been long gone, it’s not even a close contest. A team I’ve loved forever or a guy that has been fucking me around forever’s no brainer.

It made me think of some dating advice Steve Dangle (a fairly well known hockey blogger) once jokingly gave me “nobody good hates hockey.” When I thought about it, joking or not he’s right. All my exes have hated hockey and all my exes are....”not good”. So the fact less than 24 hours after removing Mr. X (who hates hockey) the sunlight that is the NHL broke through the cloud and now hockey is back makes me smile. Life has a funny way of wrapping things up in a cute little bow.

So what strange but true dating advice have you been given? Let me know in the comment box below and as always stay and play safe.


The Honest Bitch 

Friday 4 January 2013

Snap Goes The Bitch

I’m normally a fairly composed person, it takes a lot for me to lose it and when I do there are normally some fairly obvious warning signs I’m about to snap. However the other day there was no warning, I just snapped as if someone had flipped a switch and bam, I was gone.

Ever watch a show where someone is placed under hypnosis and they’re given a trigger word and with a simple little word a perfectly normal person is gone? It happened just like that, however I wouldn’t call myself normal and when I snap I talk at about 500 words a minute. Everyone who has seen me lose it tells me they want to applaud afterwards. I squeeze an hour’s worth of conversation into 5 minutes and the impressive part is it’s all coherent and minus all the 4 lettered words, appears to be fairly well thought out.

Here’s what happened I was on the phone talking to my GBFF (Dave) and I was telling him about this recurring dream I had 3 nights in a row. The short version of the dream is at midnight on New Years Eve; Mr. X gets down on one knee and asks his girlfriend to marry him.

We, ok I thought; maybe my brain knew something I didn’t. So Dave said to me “you and Mr. X have a good friendship why don’t you just ask him?” (It’s always so simple when someone else tells you what to do) So, I sent him a message on Facebook. When he replied.....that’s when I lost my shit.

Before I tell you what he said I need to give you a little back story. About a month ago Mr. X was flirting with me over Facebook and I can’t remember what he said and I’m too lazy to look but my reply was “you have a girlfriend for that”. At which point he told me they’re in an open relationship. It made no difference to me, that’s why I didn’t blog about it, I’m not interested but for my rant to make any sense you need that tidbit.

The reply he sent me was “no, got a gf, nowhere near getting engaged though” at which point I think my head spun around like something from the Exorcist. I lost it.

Here is a little of what came flying out of my mouth at a million miles an hour.

“Girlfriend!? What girlfriend!?! You’re in an open fucking relationship, that's just fuck-friends for people who have no guts. You’re too ashamed to say “this is the girl I’m causally fucking” so you put a pretty little title on it so people are ok with your casual sex. Call it what it is, fuss free fucking!”

At which point Dave said “bitter?”

“I’m not bitter with him; he’s free to do whatever he wants. I really don’t want any of that. Her on the hand....That bitch took my in. I’ve been mind fucking that man for years, laying the groundwork for fuck-friends knowing perfectly well it would lead to more and that bitch took my in. I did the hard work and put the time in and dealt with ALLLLL that crazy and that bitch stole my fucking work. She plagiarized my relationship!”

At which point I burst out laughing and Dave lost it. We both knew it was pointless and didn’t mean anything because I don’t want him anymore but that doesn’t make having your work stolen any less frustrating. It wasn’t about him, it was about my work. We must have laughed for 10 minutes straight. Once we regained our composure, Dave said “you done?” To which I said “Damn bitch, plagiarized my relationship.” And we started laughing all over again.

I’m sure his girlfriend (“girlfriend”) is lovely and blah da blah blah blah but sometimes a rant is in order and I felt amazing afterwards. But I have to ask; would you sleep with someone who was in an open relationship? Let me know in the comment box below and as always stay and play safe.


The Honest Bitch 

Wednesday 2 January 2013

Bad Boy Bear

In Mr. X’s Q&A blog he impelled he was a “bad boy”. Bad boy my ass, there is nothing farther from the truth. He has no piercing, no tattoos, he’s never done drugs, he doesn’t smoke and in his 30 odd years on this planet the man has never touched a drop of alcohol. The dude could be a freaking Mouseketeer. 

However like most Disney starlets Mr. X has a problem....he’s attitude. I guess it’s better than the normal Disney starlet problems, I mean it could be worse; he could be pulling a Lohan.

Saying that Mr. X doesn’t have the average person’s mood swings I actually call them “bear moments”. Which spices of bear you get depends on the day.

Sometimes you get a Black Bear; where your best defence is to talk calmly and slowly walk away.

Sometimes you get a Koala Bear;  he appears to be cute and cuddly but you should always be careful of the sharp teeth and claws.

Other days he’s like a Panda Bear; there's an, eat, shoots and leaves joke to be made there but we all know I’m far too classy for that. (Stop laughing J)

Sometimes he’s a Grizzly Bear; if he gets within 25 feet, you should spray him with pepper spray for your own personal safety.

Sometime he’s a Polar Bear Cub; really cute to look at but you really shouldn’t touch him.

Sometime he’s a full grown Polar Bear; known to stalk and kill humans just because he’s hungry.

Other days he’s a Brown Bear; well known for his aggressive behaviour, indifferent to humans and likely to kill you for his own personal enjoyment. Your best bet is to play dead and be thankful he’s not going to eat you. (There's a joke there but I’m not touching it with 39 and a half foot pole (bonus points if you can name that song))

Anyways I’m going to end this ridiculous post and head to bed (I’m over tired, can you tell?), so which bear moment do you think I’m going to get when he reads this, let me know in the comment box below and as always stay and play safe.


The Honest Bitch