Showing posts with label Bitch. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Bitch. Show all posts

Thursday 18 July 2013

Merlin and Sperm

Never let it be said I’m a cold hearted bitch, because I actually feel bad for referring to “The New Guy” (who I will now be calling Merlin) as “emotionally detached”. That was a poorly thought out turn of phrase.

Merlin is not emotionally detached, he is a little tightly wound and possibly has a stick up his ass but emotionally detached was an unfair comment. However I am still unsure if he actually posses a sense of humour or not. I’m leaning towards not.

None of this actually matters because William was withholding crucial information about Merlin from me. The first thing he failed to tell me is there is already a woman laying claim to Merlin's penis. And the second and fatal blow that William neglected to inform me of is Merlin has an Arthur. Or in terms anybody who isn’t inside my head would understand he has a child!

I do not date men who have proven there sperm to be functional. It’s part of my safe sex plan. Birth control, condoms and a reasonable chance the man I’m with is shooting blanks! Call me crazy, but it’s worked for me so far.

However William seems to think by ruling out all men who are responsible for successful ovum landings I am cutting off my nose to spite my face. So I have to ask; would you date someone who has a child? And do you think I’m cutting off my nose to spite my face? Let me know your thoughts in the comment box below and as always stay and play (especially play) safe.


The Honest Bitch 

Thursday 6 June 2013

Little Voice

People always say you should listen to that little voice in your head; the problem I have is that little voice in my head, is a bitch! And not just your average bitch she’s a super bitch, I actually call her Bitchany.

Take today for example; I received a phone call saying that I didn’t get the job I interviewed for yesterday because “the interviewer felt my answers, though good, could have been expanded upon more”. 

The little voice in my head wanted me to tell the man on the phone the interviewer is an idiot! The job was for a call centre, tracking the location of people’s packages; who in their right mind wants a long winded person on the other end of the phone when all they want to know is where their god damn package is?!? I made the choice to answer her questions in the most efficient way I could, making sure to give her the information she asked for but in a way that didn’t wastes anyone’s time, after all it’s not story time at the fucking library. I was being considerate, unlike those assholes that had me sit around 2 fucking hours in-between interviews. I was there almost 5 hours yesterday. I could have flown to Canada in that fucking time.

Of course, despite wanting to, I didn’t say any of that to the man on the phone, I may have a bitch in my head but I also have the world’s best flitter between it and my mouth so I just told him I understood and thanked him for taking the time to call me. Before hanging up he asked if he could pass my details on to some other employers because despite the fact “Jane” didn’t like me, he did and he thought there might be some other jobs I’d be perfect for.  So who knows maybe yesterday wasn’t a total waste after all.

Anyways moral of the story; people who make up sayings like “always listen to that little voice in your head” don’t have a clue what they’re talking about.........Oh and Jane from DHL is a fucking idiot.

What name have you given that little voice in your head, and what kind of personality does it have? Let me know in the comment box below and as always stay and play safe.


The Honest Bitch

Saturday 23 March 2013


Someone left me a comment criticizing my choice in pseudonym; saying it was a very derogatory term. I couldn’t help but roll my eyes at the comment but it did make me wonder if others thought that way too.

I personally don’t think bitch is a derogatory term. I understand the dictionary doesn’t agree with me but the English language is always evolving and it takes time for the dictionary to catch up with reality.  There are new words added and definitions changed every year. Take “tweet” for example up until the end of 2011 according to the dictionary it was the chirp of a small bird; not a 140 characters of TMI.

I think bitch is kind of like that too, the dictionary has it as one thing but when you look at how it’s used in the real world it means something completely different. It’s not spiteful, lewd, difficult and overbearing women that are called bitches. It’s strong, independent women, who stand up for what they believe in and don’t back down that are called it.

I did a quick Google search to see what famous women have been branded as bitches, the list includes Jennifer Aniston, Jennifer Lopez, BeyoncĂ©, Julia Roberts, Judy Sheindlin (aka Judge Judy), Martha Stewart, Barbara Walters and Oprah.  If these women are bitches count me in.

Interesting side note almost all the women listed above are also listed as the most powerful women in Hollywood. Now that’s some food for thought.

When the word bitch is so often linked to such successful women it becomes a non-insult. Who wouldn’t want to share characteristics with these women? When some says “You’re a BITCH!” my reply is always “and?” I figure if women like Barbara Walters and Oprah are bitches it’s not a bad thing. Hell it’s probably a good thing.

But that’s just my opinion, what do you guys think, is bitch a derogatory term or a title that should be worn proudly? Let me know what you think in the comment box below and as always stay and play safe.


The Honest BITCH!!

Tuesday 12 March 2013

1-800 DICK WAD

Does horniness affect the male IQ or are men just born idiots?

Last night I received a text message from a guy I “dated” (and I use that term very loosely; we hung out a few times and slept together once) 4 years ago. The text read “miss you sexy x x x x” Now you don’t need to be a genius to know where he’s going with that message. So I replied back with “Really???” anybody who knows me can feel the sarcasm dripping off that message, but apparently he didn’t feel it because his reply was “mmmm so much x x”.

At that point my ability to play nice broke and I snapped back with “DO I LOOK LIKE A FUCKING 1-800 NUMBER???? I’m not here to service you dick wad!” I really wish I had thought of something better then dick wad but sadly in the heat of the moment I didn’t. I then shot off a message saying “Since you seem to be having trouble understanding English tonight, let me make this easy for you. I wouldn’t fuck you for all the Mojitos in Cuba.” Now that’s saying something we all know how fond I am of a Mojito.

I just don’t understand why guys pull this shit, surely using their hand or investing in a fleshlight is a whole lot easier. So I guess that’s my question to you, why do guys waste their time trying to get laid when there is a quicker and easier solution to the problem? Let me know what you think in the comment box below. And as always stay and of course play safe.


The Honest Bitch 

Friday 4 January 2013

Snap Goes The Bitch

I’m normally a fairly composed person, it takes a lot for me to lose it and when I do there are normally some fairly obvious warning signs I’m about to snap. However the other day there was no warning, I just snapped as if someone had flipped a switch and bam, I was gone.

Ever watch a show where someone is placed under hypnosis and they’re given a trigger word and with a simple little word a perfectly normal person is gone? It happened just like that, however I wouldn’t call myself normal and when I snap I talk at about 500 words a minute. Everyone who has seen me lose it tells me they want to applaud afterwards. I squeeze an hour’s worth of conversation into 5 minutes and the impressive part is it’s all coherent and minus all the 4 lettered words, appears to be fairly well thought out.

Here’s what happened I was on the phone talking to my GBFF (Dave) and I was telling him about this recurring dream I had 3 nights in a row. The short version of the dream is at midnight on New Years Eve; Mr. X gets down on one knee and asks his girlfriend to marry him.

We, ok I thought; maybe my brain knew something I didn’t. So Dave said to me “you and Mr. X have a good friendship why don’t you just ask him?” (It’s always so simple when someone else tells you what to do) So, I sent him a message on Facebook. When he replied.....that’s when I lost my shit.

Before I tell you what he said I need to give you a little back story. About a month ago Mr. X was flirting with me over Facebook and I can’t remember what he said and I’m too lazy to look but my reply was “you have a girlfriend for that”. At which point he told me they’re in an open relationship. It made no difference to me, that’s why I didn’t blog about it, I’m not interested but for my rant to make any sense you need that tidbit.

The reply he sent me was “no, got a gf, nowhere near getting engaged though” at which point I think my head spun around like something from the Exorcist. I lost it.

Here is a little of what came flying out of my mouth at a million miles an hour.

“Girlfriend!? What girlfriend!?! You’re in an open fucking relationship, that's just fuck-friends for people who have no guts. You’re too ashamed to say “this is the girl I’m causally fucking” so you put a pretty little title on it so people are ok with your casual sex. Call it what it is, fuss free fucking!”

At which point Dave said “bitter?”

“I’m not bitter with him; he’s free to do whatever he wants. I really don’t want any of that. Her on the hand....That bitch took my in. I’ve been mind fucking that man for years, laying the groundwork for fuck-friends knowing perfectly well it would lead to more and that bitch took my in. I did the hard work and put the time in and dealt with ALLLLL that crazy and that bitch stole my fucking work. She plagiarized my relationship!”

At which point I burst out laughing and Dave lost it. We both knew it was pointless and didn’t mean anything because I don’t want him anymore but that doesn’t make having your work stolen any less frustrating. It wasn’t about him, it was about my work. We must have laughed for 10 minutes straight. Once we regained our composure, Dave said “you done?” To which I said “Damn bitch, plagiarized my relationship.” And we started laughing all over again.

I’m sure his girlfriend (“girlfriend”) is lovely and blah da blah blah blah but sometimes a rant is in order and I felt amazing afterwards. But I have to ask; would you sleep with someone who was in an open relationship? Let me know in the comment box below and as always stay and play safe.


The Honest Bitch 

Saturday 26 May 2012


Last night I was in a bit of a playful mood so when I noticed Mr. X had posted an uncharacteristic status I couldn’t help but give him a hard time about it. After a few exchanges in which he didn’t bite back like normal he basically said being in love has changed him. My first reaction was “awwww did the Grinch’s heart grow 3 sizes. You know people die from enlarged hearts every day.” What can I say? Being a bitch and sarcasm kind of go hand in hand.

My next reaction was one of repulsion. I fell in love with his quick-witted, sarcastic, sharp tongue humour. Him turning into a sensitive shell of his former self is (lets go with) unappealing. Whoever he’s dating can have him; I like my men a little less close to metro sexual line.

My exchange with my former kryptonite got me thinking about change and whether changing in a relationship is a positive or negative thing, a sign of growth or maybe one of insecurity.

 We’ve all been there, dating someone, normally someone out of our league, and all of a sudden you’re pretending to like music you’ve always hated just because “it’s his favourite”, watching war films with more blood then acting. We’ve all done it at some point. Dating someone out of our league changing ours selves in an attempt to prevent him from figuring out you’re out of his league.

That’s insecurity for you and it’s definitely not a positive thing.

On the other hand there are relationships that change you, admittedly all mine have been for the worse. But I hear it works the other way too. Relationships that make you want to be a better you. Unlike mine which make me want to become serial killer but I’m sure that’s just me.

Becoming a better person isn’t a bad thing, it’s actually very positive but a fixer upper man isn’t.

That’s what I wonder about how many people actually change within themselves and how many are moulded in a fixer upper project?

When you get in a relationship you’re meant to love the person for who they are and not what you can change them into. Plus you can’t really change anyone; fixer upper changes are most always temporary. They relapse and you’re left frustrated and disappointment, trust me on that one.

This is one of those blogs where I just don’t have an answer or even a clue for that matter. So I guess I’ll leave it in your capable hands. Is changing in a relationship and good or bad thing and why?

As always my dears stay safe and have a great weekend.


The Honest Bitch

Sunday 27 November 2011


Seems like everyone over the past few weeks have been posting statuses about how they’re tougher than people think they are. I don’t share that problem. Everyone knows how much of a tough bitch I am.

My problem is because I’m known for being such a bitch,I’m actually nicer then people think I am. Admittedly some of that is my own fault because I have selective niceness, so most people don’t get to see that side of me. But just because you don’t see it doesn’t mean it’s not there. (God it sounds like I’m talking about Santa Clause.)

When I’m around friends (I actually like), boyfriends (I’m not planning on dumping) and family I’m a lot less bitch like. I’m still as honest as ever but I just make sure to sugar coat it.

I tailor my level of bitchiness to suit the person I’m dealing with. Some people require more of a verbal bitch slapping then others. And others need to be spoken to as if they were a first grade special needs students

People seemed to be shocked when they hang out with me and I’m just as straight talking as they thought but I’m nice. It almost confuses them. I may be a bitch but I direct my bitchiness to where it’s dissevered. Am I the only person who does that?

Anyways I off do the evening. Have fun and as always stay safe.


The Honest Bitch

Tuesday 11 October 2011

Twitter Stalker

I was having a conversation the other day with this Internet random. Ok, at this point he isn’t so random but he’s still a relative stranger. We were on Twitter chatting about film and TV mostly when I heard my phone go off. I looked down to see who it was and to my shock and horror I saw it was a text from a ghost of boyfriends past.

This is never a good thing. I do my very best to make sure when I’m finished with a guy he never wants to see or speak to me again.  So when I see an ex’s name pop-up I know I’m in trouble.

I looked at the message to see what the asshole was contracting me for. I was thinking law suit, warning me of the hit man he hired or maybe he was pregnant. I was a little relieved when all it said was “who’s the new man in your life?”

I was relieved but also confused. I’m single, so the only thing with a penis in my life is buzzy the rampant rabbit. So I replied back with just a question mark. He wasn’t worth risking chipping my nail polish over.

He quickly replied back with the name of the Internet random. This meant one of two things, he’s either friends with said random (which is unlikely because he has no friends) or he’s stalking my Twitter feed. Don’t you just love the digital age?

This, my dear friends, is why they call me a bitch, I simply replied with “Oh, he’s not new. He’s the guy I was imagining you were when we were sleeping together.”

Personally I thought it was funny, he on the other hand....always had a bad sense of humor.

What did he expect? He contacts me after 3 years and wants to know about my love life. Did he think I’d welcome him with open arms? Not a chance. I took the opportunity to teach the little bastard a lesson.... maybe he’ll think twice before he puts his nose in my business again.

I don’t believe in staying friends with ex’s. People breakup because they can no longer stand to be around the other person, staying friends is basically just removing the sex from the relationship. When did taking the sex out of anything make it better?

See my point? It’s kind of crazy when you think about it.

Anyways, that’s my rant on the matter. Have a great night and as always stay safe.


The Honest Bitch