Reasons to Kick Men in Their Junk

I was in bed the other night, struggling to keep my eyes open when my phone started ringing; that’s never a good sign, I am a text person. I looked at the phone and saw Hope’s name, then notice it was only 11 o’clock; I knew she had a date with her......I’m going to call him her boyfriend because it’s easier than trying to explain their actual relationship, so I was little worried why she was calling.

When I picked up all I could hear is her crying, knowing I had no hope of understanding a word of it over the phone I asked her if she was home, I assumed she said yes  (I really couldn’t understand a word she was saying) so I told her I’d be right over. Luckily she lives pretty close so I put on my dressing grown and pink fluffy slipper boots and walked around.

When I got there she was face down on the coach still crying, I sat on the edge of the couch and she didn’t react to me being there. I’ve said this many times but this is my friendship specialty so I know from experience that's a bad sign, normally people sit up, hug you and make your shoulder all wet. Luckily I have a trick to fix this, so I walked into her kitchen and took a bottle of wine (if you can call Lambrini wine) out of the fridge, sat down on the floor next to the couch, opened the bottle and offered it to her (this isn’t the time for glasses). She sat up and took the bottle from me.

After most of the bottle was gone, and most the tears stopped I asked her what happened.  She down the rest of the bottle, got up and got another one, came back and told me the story. Her and Platypus (he’s Australian and a mammal so why not) had gone out and after dinner they went for a drive, they parked somewhere quiet and one thing led to another and they didn’t have sex but a.....hmmm...how to put it....hmmmm......a DNA handshake happened.

When all that was finished they were talking and he casually mentioned he was tired because the night before he had a date and that women didn’t leave his place until he left to pick up Hope. I’m not sure how but Hope kept her cool and told Platypus to drive her home. Once she got in she lost it and called me.

I then took the wine from her and had some myself, because sober isn’t the answer to that problem. We processed to get trashed and talk shit about Platypus. I then asked her how she managed not to kick him in the balls, after hearing that.  She said she was raised that there is never a valid reason to kick a man in his privates. I looked her in the eyes and said “honey, that's bullshit. And a guy being a dick to you while there are still remnants of his cum on your person is just ONE of the many valid reasons to kick a guy in his junk”.  We then continued to drink and crack jokes at Platypus’s expense until the wee hours of the morning, when she fell asleep and I walked home getting many strange looks for people walking their dogs.

So I have to ask; what other valid reasons can you think of to kick a man in his junk? Let me hear them in the comment box below. And as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxo

Turning A Bad Christmas Gift Into A Good One

Have you ever done something so spectacularly wrong, you’re almost proud of it? That’s what this blog is about.   

Normally I write about the stupid things men I’ve dated have done, and there is a little of that in here but this blog is different, it’s mainly about something stupid and wrong I did while in a relationship. Something so bad it’s legendary among my circle of friends.

The story begins 9 years ago this very month; I had been dating a guy named Kev for 6 months. We met in a nightclub, he was in his 20’s and I was underage, a fact he didn’t find out until we broke up.

I had spent weeks shopping to find the perfect Christmas gift for him. Nothing big but something that showed I was listening and that I cared. After weeks I found the perfect gift for him; a sweater with his favourite soccer team’s logo on it and his name. It was something I knew he’d love.

I saw him a few days before Christmas to swopped gifts but we decided not to open them until Christmas day.

Christmas day rolls around and I took the present he got me from under the tree and opened it. Let’s put it this way it’s a good thing we didn’t open gift together or it would still be lodged in his colon to this very day.

It took me weeks to find him the perfect gift and it was very clear he spent seconds picking mine. He got me the cheapest, nastiest bath set known to man. It was clearly the freebie in Boots’ buy two gifts get one free Christmas offer. The thing cost £4 tops and had no thought at all put into it, I was fluming.

The next day, still fluming, I get a call from my friend Crystal asking if I want to go to town drinking. I jumped at the opportunity; I figured a drink was just what I needed.

We couldn’t have been in the club more than 10 minutes before I spotted a cute guy making eyes my way. I figured Kev clearly didn’t care so why the hell not, so I flirted back.

It wasn’t long before the guy joined me and Crystal on the dance floor, we were dancing and flirting, it was all pretty harmless at the time. Then Crystal started complaining her feet were sore so while she went to the bar to get more drinks me and flirting eyes went to find a table.

We were talking then I turned around to grab a drink from Crystal and when I turned back there were two of him. Admittedly I had been drinking but I was nowhere near the seeing double stage. Then the double leaned in and gave me hug, it turns out flirty eyes had an identical twin.

We talk for while and did a little more dancing then Crystal decides she’d had enough and wanted to leave. I was having good time and wasn’t going anywhere so one of the twins walked her to a cab; while the other one stuck his tongue in my mouth (so much for harmless eh?).

At this point the evening gets a little fuzzy, as most nights do when I drink tequila. I vaguely remember some dancing and some more kissing however I can’t be sure which twin I was doing what with because like I said they were identical and I was....drunk.

I can’t really blame the tequila, my default mode whether I’m drunk or not, is to do the thing that makes the best story. This has a habit of getting me into trouble, fun trouble but trouble nonetheless. So bearing that in mind, when one of the twins asked me to come back to their place at the end of the night, the answer was always going to be a yes.

When we got to their place, we had a few more drinks and watched a film then thing get really fuzzy, there was kissing and then some clothe removal, and some more kissing, then there was a bed with 3 naked bodies in it and from what I remember 3 happy naked bodies........then 3 hung-over semi-naked bodies.

Kev and I broke up a few days later over that evening but not for the reason you think, he was mad I went out with Crystal in that argument he called me immature so I told him how old I really was, and that was that. I never did tell him about the twins he was mad enough about the age thing.

I know what I did was wrong, on so many levels, and I probably shouldn’t have done it but it’s one of those stories looking back where you did the wrong thing but it was right thing (if that makes any sense at all).

Sex with identical twins in the revenge Holy Grail and either way I was going to end up single in a few days. The way I see it I turned his bad Christmas gift into a great one. (I’m going to hell I know).

Like I said at the start, it’s one of those things that’s so bad you can’t help but be a little proud of it. Have you ever done anything like that? And if not, what’s the first thing I should do when I get to hell? Let me know in the comment box below.

As always stay and play safe, love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxoxo

Yep, It's My Fault

“The problem is you pick the wrong guys” – People who suck at breakup advice

With the exception of Mr. X my relationship problems have nothing to do with the men I pick. And has everything to do with the fact relationships turn otherwise nice guys into pricks.

I’m not the sort of person who goes out with a guy once and then he’s my boyfriend. I like to get to know my prospective boyfriends. I like to befriend them first, get to know them. See if they’re good boyfriend material or if they have more issues then playboy.

I’m selective with my boyfriends, I don’t go for “bad boys” or guys who are rude or disrespectful. That’s just a massive turn off to me. I like nice guys who are independent, who have the ability to make their own decisions and not follow the crowd. I like a guy who has his own beliefs and morals and stick to them. It’s not like I go for jerks and cheaters I put every effort in to screen them out.

I’m not a high maintenance girlfriend either so why men turn into assholes when they’re in a relationship is beyond me. My requests in a relationship are simple; I like a good night text and message if you’re running late. Clearly the makings of pushing a man over the edge.

It just infuriates me when people assume the girl is the problem, and it’s her fault things end poorly in a relationship.

Of course it’s my fault; I’m the one inserting his dick into other women. Yep it’s my fault I put his tongue in that girl mouth. Completely my fault I wrote the script he read when he lied to me. Give me a fucking break.

I know I’m not innocent and I’ve fucked up in the past and I own that. I’m by no means perfect. But neither are the guys I’ve dated and to pin their fuck ups on me is low and pathetic. Grow the hell up.

That’s my rant on the matter, what do you guys think. Is it the girls fault when a relationship doesn’t end well? As always dolls, stay safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxoxo

Predictable Pigs

I was checking my Facebook the other night when I came across the above image. It kind of me laugh so I thought I'd share the humour. I didn't really think about it and went back to chatting.

When I looked back a few minutes later only guys has commented on it and they were all doing the same thing, trying to guess my bra size. My boobs are flattered but I was a little miffed. I have no problems with my boobs being a topic of conversation but I do have an issue with the fact none of the guys were single.

If I were their girlfriends I wouldn't be pleased. It just not an appropriate conversation. It's one thing if their girlfriends were in on the conversation but to randomly start guessing a female bra size, that's not cool.

After I commented trying to blow their comments off as “boys will be boys” they continue to try and guess. I knew what was coming next. I was so sure I even made a comment to my friend Jon that I was waiting for the inevitable inbox message.

And right on schedule there was an inbox message from one of the guys. It was a really sweet message but at the end of the day he has a girlfriend and he shouldn't be hitting on me. Not only does he have a girlfriend but said girlfriend is listed on his Facebook page. I'm not sure why but that makes it worse in my books.

It's just so slimy and not just slimy, predictably slimy.

There's nothing wrong with flirting, it actually has many health benefits but there is a line you need to watch when you're not single. When someone goes to the effort of moving a chat from somewhere public (e.g. Facebook wall) to somewhere private (e.g. inbox) you know his intentions aren't pure.

My biggest problem with the whole thing is how predictable it was. Would it kill someone to be original? Honesty would help too but that's as likely as Pinocchio's penis being longer than his nose. So I'll just settle for original.

Anyways my dears, that's all for now, although there is more to come. As always stay safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch
xoxo

Tougher

Seems like everyone over the past few weeks have been posting statuses about how they’re tougher than people think they are. I don’t share that problem. Everyone knows how much of a tough bitch I am.

My problem is because I’m known for being such a bitch,I’m actually nicer then people think I am. Admittedly some of that is my own fault because I have selective niceness, so most people don’t get to see that side of me. But just because you don’t see it doesn’t mean it’s not there. (God it sounds like I’m talking about Santa Clause.)

When I’m around friends (I actually like), boyfriends (I’m not planning on dumping) and family I’m a lot less bitch like. I’m still as honest as ever but I just make sure to sugar coat it.

I tailor my level of bitchiness to suit the person I’m dealing with. Some people require more of a verbal bitch slapping then others. And others need to be spoken to as if they were a first grade special needs students

People seemed to be shocked when they hang out with me and I’m just as straight talking as they thought but I’m nice. It almost confuses them. I may be a bitch but I direct my bitchiness to where it’s dissevered. Am I the only person who does that?

Anyways I off do the evening. Have fun and as always stay safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxoxo