The Attack of the Snowman

You’ve heard of gag gifts well around Christmas our whole living room basically becomes a running gag. It all started off innocently enough and then over the years it’s became an ever growing monster of hilarity.

The monster in question is snowmen.....lots and lots of snowmen.

I’m not quite sure how it happened but over the years my mom has ended up with a large number of snowmen Christmas decorations. She wasn’t looking for snowmen they were just adorable so she bought them and over time the adorableness has added up.

A few years ago after an evening at the pub my step dad came home and randomly started counting all the snowmen, each time he counted he came up with a different number and suggested we we’re adding more as he was counting. We weren’t but we liked the idea so much we stole it.

So next time my mom went shopping she picked up a couple more snowmen. And then the next time my step dad counted the number (which is never the same) went up. He pointed to the new snowmen and asked about them. We told him they were always there. And he gave us a look and said “no more snowmen.”

We took that as a challenge.

So over the years we continued to add more and more snowmen and then play dumb about where they came from. And every time my step dad counts the number grows and grows and my mom and I sit there trying not to laugh when he says “47 snowmen!! How are they 47 snowmen? Where are they coming from?”

This year I thought I’d change things up a bit, the decorations are all well and good but what I think would be really fun is snowmen themed Christmas gifts. My step dad is a pain in the ass to buy for anyways so I figured I may as well have a little fun with it.

So far I picked up an ugly snowmen sweater, a tie, a melting snowmen, a USB drum playing snowmen and the funniest thing of all a snowmen shaped USB drive. The USB drive is funny because normally January 1^st the snowmen army get’s put away for another year but this little drive with be there all year long to remind him of the every growing snowmen army in the attic that is ready to be unleashed at moments notice.

I can’t wait for Christmas morning to seeing his face when he opens these gifts marked “From: Frosty the Snowman”. It should be a pretty funny morning.

So are there any other snowmen themed gifts you can think of and what running jokes do you have in your family, let me know in the comment box below. And as always my dears stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 
xoxoxo

Convincingly Fake An Orgasm

I love getting all your questions on Facebook, Twitter and by email I love the conversation we have and finding out what you guys want to read about. However once in a while I get asked a question that I don’t feel fully qualified to answer.

I received one of those questions last week. A female reader asked me “how do you convincingly fake an orgasm?". 

I want to start by saying I am by no means a professional sexpert. It’s a title I’d love to have one day but I’m not. But like most women I have a little experience in the faking realm and over the years I’ve learned a few tips that might help.

1. Keep your eyes closed – You can fake many things in bed but you can’t hide that “is it over yet?” look in your eyes.....Trust me on that.

2. Don’t over act – You are not in porno, keep your moaning and “oh gods” to applicable moments and don’t overdo it. Instead of focusing on moaning focus on your breathing patterns, inhale a few times, and followed it by a long staggered exhale. (Something I actually first learned in an acting class.)

3. Use your muscles – Arch your back, tense up and grab something (his hair, a pillow, or the sheets), curl your toes, and while you’re at it put those kegel exercises to good use. Men think women can’t fake the spasm of those muscles....They’re wrong.

I hope those few tips I’ve learned over the years help, but I’m going to say it again I’m not a sexpert so I’m going to ask you, my lovely readers to help this women out and leave her some tips in the comment box below and if you’re guy (apparently I do have some male readers) let us know what gives it away when a women is faking.

This has actually been a lot of fun to write as always I’m happy to try and help the best I can. So until next time my dears stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 
xoxoxo

Freak Show Waiting Room

As anyone who follows me on twitter (@TheHonestBitch)  knows yesterday I had a doctor’s appointment and while I was waiting to see the doctor the waiting room was a complete freak show. And since my doctor was running a half hour late, I had plenty of time to wonder about the state of the human race.

The first freak in this freak show was “Nail Man” this guy was sat in the waiting room filing his nails. How he has any nails at all is beyond me. From the time I noticed what he was doing and the time he went in to see the doctor was 20 minutes. Forgetting the fact we were at a doctor’s office who files their nails for 20 minutes straight?

Next in the freak show was “Technophobe Old Ladies”. Who were sat there talking about “something called Facebook” and how it’s “daft”. They were talking about how stupid and unsafe it is. Way to talk about something you know.  Facebook is only as unsafe as you make it, something they’d know if they had any knowledge at all about what they were talking about. The fact they were talking about stuff they know nothing about kind of pisses me off. A good rule for life (no matter how old you are) is if you don’t know what you’re talking about, don’t talk about it!

The final freak in this show was a little old Jamaican lady who I could hardly understand who I’m going to call “Medical History Lady”. She was shouting about something while she was checking in at reception. She then continued to shout loudly as she sat herself down next to me (Oh joy, oh bliss).

Her loudness continues as she talked at me about her leg and hip hurting, she went on to tell me the doctors are clueless and how they have been screwing her around. At which point the person on the other side of her moved. She then felt the need to tell me she wasn’t feeling well and her “spit was like condensed milk”. At which point I was praying for a hazmat suit. She then when on to tell me how she is old and not long for this world and the doctors don’t know how her dad died and how she’s going to go the same way. I was busy wishing for a gun, a chainsaw.....anything.

Just when I was wondering how sharp Nail Man’s file was, my doctor finally called me in. I’ve never been so happy to see someone. There is only so much crazy a person can take before they lose it and let’s face facts I’m closer to the edge then most to begin with.

So it’s your turn to tell me what waiting room freak shows you’ve been in? Let me know in the comment box below and as always, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 
xoxoxo

Mr. Dexter

I’ve either been watching too much Dexter lately or my dreams are trying to tell me something. Last night I had a well and truly fucked up dream about Mr. X.

In season 7 of Dexter there is an episode called “Do the Wrong Thing”. In that episode Dexter takes Hannah McKay to a Christmas themed theme park and in a “shocking” turn of events it turns out Dexter has a kill room setup there. He prepares to kill her in his normal way but instead of stabbing her in the chest he cuts the plastic off and fucks her right there on his kill table. 

In my dream Mr. X takes me to an empty hockey arena (even in my dreams there’s a freaking lockout) and we’re skating around having a fun then everything goes black. When I come too I’m on a metal table in a room with a Zamboni and everything is covered in plastic. Mr. X is walking around the table with a large knife telling me whether I like it or not he has the control and it’s time our little game came to a permanent end. He’s lifts the knife up to plunge it in my chest and I say “If you really had the control we wouldn’t be here.” And give him a mischievous smile. Down comes the knife and slices the plastic off and we have sex right there on the table without saying a word. When we were done we were laying there with his arm under my head and he sits up a little and leans into me and says “you know this isn’t over right?” and with that I woke up.

The funny thing was when I woke up I wasn’t scared or anything I was actually laughing, it wasn’t till much later I started wondering whether my brain was trying to tell me something. I know Mr. X and I have a fucked up.....whatever the hell you want to call it but I’m pretty sure.......ok like 70% sure he isn’t trying to kill me.

So that begs the question have I been watching too much Dexter or is Mr. X in fact trying to kill me? Let me know in the comment box below and while you’re at it let me know what strange dreams you’ve had. As always my dears stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch
xoxoxo

Outside The Box

We all know by now when it comes to thinking none of mine is done inside the box. I’m a little out there but some of my theories aren’t that crazy or at least I don’t think they’re that crazy.

My theory on why exes come back around long after a breakup comes to mind. I think my theory is completely logical; my friends on the other hand do not.

Most women would like to think their exes come crawling back because their exes still love them and that love conquers all and all that other fairytale bullshit.

I’m not that stupid; I know love isn’t what’s dragging them back. My theory makes much more sense than that, its lust that is dragging them back. That’s the part of my theory most people can agree on.

Here’s where it gets a little less agreeable.

I believe the time since the break up and how good you are in bed are directly proportional. My logic being if someone isn’t good in bed you wouldn’t put in the time or effort to stalk them. I mean your hand is a much more time efficient solution. If someone is willing to chase you after 10 years there is a reason and it sure as hell isn’t love. My theory is........its skill.

I may be crazy but I’ll leave that up to you to decide, so what do you say, am I crazy or does my theory make some sense? And while you’re at it tell me what strange theories you have? Let me know in the comment box below and as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxoxo

I Win

As many of you know my mother is a baker and because of that in the world of desserts I’m screwed. Nothing I ever bake is as good as hers. I’ve come to accept this for the most part but thanks to a little help from Pinterest and (Cookin' Up North) I finally beat her at her own game and damn it feels good.

At Thanksgiving my dessert was by far the best and even my mother admits that. I’m enjoying this while it last because it’s only a matter of time before she puts mine to shame so I thought I’d share the recipe with you guys.

It’s super simple, delicious and more importantly beat all 5 of my mom’s Thanksgiving desserts.  

Cinnamon Roll Cake

Cake

3 cups AP Flour

¼ teaspoon Salt

4 teaspoons Baking Powder

1 cup Sugar

1 ½ cups of Milk

2 Eggs

2 teaspoons Vanilla

½ cup Butter (melted)

Topping

1 cup Butter (softened)

1 cup Brown Sugar

2 Tablespoons Flour

1 Tablespoon Cinnamon

Preheat the oven to 350. Mix everything together expect the melted butter. Then very slowly mix in the butter. Once it’s all mixed together pour the batter into a 9x13 pan. Then combine the topping ingredients very well and put drops all over the cake then swirl in with a knife. Place in a 350 oven for roughly 30 minutes, it should test clean. Here’s a little tip if you find it’s browning too fast on top cover with tin foil.  

Glaze

2 cups Powdered Sugar

5 Tablespoons Milk

1 teaspoon Vanilla

Mix everything together keeping an eye on thickness it may take a little more or less milk you’re looking for a something that will drizzle, once the consistency is right drizzle over the cake while it’s warm.

If you decide to give this cake a try let me know how you get on. As always my dears stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxoxo

Cursive Writing

I’m the first to admit I’ve an opinionated person and once my mind is made up it’s not worth you wasting your breath trying to change my mind. At the same time I am always willing to listen to people and hear their side and if I still don’t agree to defend my position.

What I can’t stand is people who are so closed minded they won’t even hear the other side out. Nobody is saying they have to agree with what is being said but at least hear the words.

Tonight on Facebook someone posted a rant bitching about how schools are no longer teaching cursive writing. This person went on to say this move is making kids dumb and how will kids sign their names or read important historical documents and that The U.S Constitution and The Bill of Rights will be un-readable to the next generation.  

I left a comment saying that it’s sad but in a way I get it. They’re replacing cursive writing in the syllabus with things like computer programming and web design which in the long run are more useful to know.

The women deleted my comment so now I get to be a bitch and point out she’s stupid.

Let’s start with “how will they sign their names?” Are you fucking me!? Next to nobody signs their name using real cursive writing. I worked retail per chip and PIN days; people tend to sign with what I can only call at best a squiggle.

“How will they read historic documents?” How do you think they read them now? It’s called the internet or hell, a text book. These things aren’t printed in cursive writing. Most of us can’t read Latin or Hieroglyphic either but that doesn’t make us any more stupid.

The next generation will be learning computer programming as early as grade 1, they’ll be writing programmes in grade 2 and 3. How does that make them a dumber generation? While you were learning how to making curly letters they’re be writing programmes that can do that for them. So which generation is really the dumb one?

Some people hurt my head. I’m not saying I’m right but what I am saying has some real valid points. And nobody gets any smarter by being not hearing other people out. So what do you guys think? Let me know in the comment box below.

And as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxoxo

P.S To my readers in the USA Please remember to let your voices be heard and vote. 

Stupid Little Voice

That part of your brain that makes you make dumb decisions is currently keeping me up for the 3^rd night in a row. It keeps yelling at me to do something, or someone as the case may be, that the rest of me know is a HORRIBLE idea.

I know what the right and logical thing to do is but this stupid “what if” voice has been badgering me for so long and I’m so damn tired, I’m starting to think the only way I’m ever going to get any sleep again is to give in and listen to the stupid little voice.

My question to you guys is how do you shut up that little voice in your head when you know it has completely lost its mind? And as always my dears stay and murder little voices safely.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxoxo

Shit My Friend's Say

I have the best group of friends a person could ask for; however they aren’t the sanest group of people you’ll ever meet. We all have a love for something creative be it art, writing, acting or music; we’re all very creative people.

There is a stereotype that creative people are kind of nuts and well, we don’t disappoint on that front.  The things that come out of our mouths are enough to make the average person wonder about our mental stability. However when we can make someone inside our group think that, well that’s just impressive.

This week my friends have been on fire, so I thought I’d share some of the funny, random and downright head hurting stuff that has flown out of their mouths.

Starting with......

“I am a horny ice cube.” – This is, believe it or not, how one of my dear friends introduced himself to someone I use to work with. Some who I’m willing to bet is un-friending me on Facebook as I write this.

“We’ve all been there a hot guy undresses and then boom there it is a tiny penis and instantly he’s hotness diminishes by like 600%. Do men have that same problem?” I have no comment for this at all, unless you want to answer her “do men have that same problem?” Sometimes I think I need new friends.

“Sex is like riding a kangaroo.” I can’t tell you where she was going with this one because she never got to finish it, because that’s what happens when you randomly blurt out “sex is like riding a kangaroo.”

“The stars are like the sun’s illegitimate bastard children.” This was said when I had people over for a late Thanksgiving last weekend. We were sat outside waiting for dessert and this gem fell out of one my friend’s mouths.

“Men like women to wear make-up while they’re having sex so they can tell if they’re doing a good job or not. The more clown-like the make-up looks the better job he did.” .......Really I think I could use some new friends. On second thought that one could be true, men’s minds are pretty messed up places after all.

So that’s some of the random things that my friends have said, what random things have your friends said let me know in the comment box below and as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch
xoxoxo