Showing posts with label Mom. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Mom. Show all posts

Friday, 10 May 2019

Not Dealing With Stress


I’ve learned throughout the years that if I ignore stress it will manifest itself in physical symptoms. Most commonly for me is a sharp pain in my left shoulder. While it sucks; I can cope with that fairly well. I handle it better than real stress anyways. That said, it appears my body has gotten wise and has upped its game.

The pain in my shoulder, morphed into tension across basically every muscle in my body. I feel like I may snap in half at any moment, my body has no flexibility. When that didn’t cause me to deal with things it moved to screwing with my sleep. I’ve developed a death gripe in my sleep. If I am lucky, I grab onto blankets or pillows and not let go. If I am lucky, I grab onto myself, which results in bruise of whatever body part I grabbed, thigh, arm, wrist.

Now, that it appears we’ve moved on to vibrating. Which it’s new and I’m already bored of. Like, come on body can you just not let me be? This one is weird. It’s like I’m shaking, but faster. Apparently, a lot of people say it feels like an electric toothbrush. I can really put it into words other than to say it I’ve over it.

I don’t know what I am meant to do to deal with the stress, to relieve the issues. My mom is dying, it’s stressful. The end of that is her dead and that’s way more stressful. Seems like I can’t fucking win this one.

Anyways, I am going to go and do something to take my mind off things. As always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch
xoxo

Friday, 22 March 2019

I am struggling


I’ve always seen blogging as a form of therapy, and right now I am hoping it’ll work in a similar way.  I don’t really want to write or talk about what’s going on, but I need to do something because my sanity is feeling really fragile.

My mother’s latest test results were poor. Nothing was tracking where it should be. Her liver function is down. She has fluid around the lungs and the doctor aren’t happy with how her heart is functioning. I’m not sure if you know this, but the number 1 cause of death in people with kidney disease isn’t kidney failure; its other organs, normally the heart or lungs that stop functioning due to a build-up of fluids in the body.

My mom is handling things like she always does, she’s a rock. I, on the other hand, am holding things together just enough to get by. I am struggling, a lot, and I am not sure what I am meant to do to snap out of this. I want to enjoy what time I have left with her but seeing her like this is hard. It’s funny, she’s carrying on and I’m the one struggling to get out of bed.

Anyways, my eyes are doing that thing where water floods out of them at a rate that is embarrassing, so I am going to go and get ready for work. I’m not going to leave with you any questions. Just remember to stay safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch
xoxo

Friday, 15 February 2019

Sad Eyes


I’ve mentioned this before, but I am going to mention it again, I can’t stand “sad eye”. I’m under no disillusion, I understand my mom is dying and I’m an only child basically losing the only family I have, I get that, and I understand it’s sad. Trust me, I get it, I’ve cried it out many a night. But looking at me with pity sad filled eyes really doesn’t help. It in a lot of ways it makes things worse.

I am a lot less social than I use to be and a lot of that is down to “sad eyes”. I either feel like people feel sorry for me or are judging me. I don’t feel like I’m allowed to be me. To fair, I don’t feel like myself most of the time, but when I do remotely feel normal, I feel as if I can’t show it.

This is part of the reason why the husband loves Tyler so much. He sees that he brings out the silly, fun side of me that hasn’t been around in quite a while. A lot of that was, until very recently, Tyler didn’t know what was going on. I had lost it on the phone with him a couple times, around the time when my mom was having surgery, but never vocalized what was happening. So, it’s yet to be seen whether he’ll continue to bring that out in me or if he’ll be another sad eyes person.

I can tell you he’s back off on non-work days. It’s is not ideal for me, but is understandable. He was a good distraction, but new coping mechanisms are always there to be found.  He doesn’t owe that to me nor would I ask for it so, life ticks on.

Anyways, I am going to go and hit the treadmill because it’s really hard to over think things when you can’t breathe. I would leave you with a Valentine’s related question but… who care? Just leave your thoughts in the comments below and as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch  
xoxo

Friday, 1 February 2019

Not Off To A Great Start


It shouldn’t come as a surprise to me that 2019 is off to a less than perfect start. I’ve said it before, and I meant it, 2019 is going to suck. I didn’t, however, think it would suck this hard, this early on.


On Monday the 21st my mom went it for a routine check-up, it didn’t go well. Her kidney function was down to 8% and a lot of her other stats were not where they should or have been. At this point they tried to admit her. Since my mother is my mother, she told them not a chance that was happening. So, they arrange for her to come back the following morning at 9am, to meet with her team. If you know anything about the NHS, that’s not a good sign, to get a surgeon, doctor, specialist and nurse together, in the same place, with less than 24 hours’ notice is unheard of. And what happened next is even more unheard of. She was told she’d be having surgery at 7am the following day.

We knew she’d have to have surgery again soon due to the cloth is her AV fistula, but nobody was ready for how soon. Like I said the NHS doesn’t move quickly so, this just confirmed to me how bad things were. The surgery went fine, a lot longer than last time. This was down to the blocker they used being inserted into her diaphragm, meaning she was unable to breath on her own. Luckily, she regained the ability the breath unassisted around midnight and they were able to discharge her the next day. She’s at home now, battered a bruised but she’s doing ok.

I, other hand, am all shades of not ok. My only job in all of this is to hold my shit together and I am failing. Tyler said to me, not actually knowing what was going on, it’s ok to fall apart sometimes. And I agree. I have designated failing apart time. I am allowed to fall apart in the shower, in the car on the way home from work and in bed before I fall asleep on non-work days. However, my body doesn’t seem to want to uphold that schedule.

On Tuesday night at work, the day before my mom’s surgery, I was losing it. I held it together, just, on the way in. I kept together as I got everyone out of the office on their jobs. But, around midnight, for no real reason, I started shaking and I could feel the battle was over, I had I couldn’t fight the emotions anymore. At that moment my phone rang, and it was Tyler. I held back what I could and answered the phone. He knew something was up. He offered to listen, but when I couldn't talk about it, he didn’t push to find out what was wrong. He just hung around making jokes where he could.  Shifting my mind off things. I owe him one for that. I wouldn’t have made it through my shift without him.

Anyways, my face is starting to leak and I can’t deal with that right now, so I am going to end this here. I’ll leave with you with this question; how do you hold it together when everything is going wrong? Let me know your thoughts in the comments below and as always. Stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 
xoxo

Friday, 4 January 2019

Not Feeling 2019


Happy new year, you beautiful people. I wish I was starting this year in my normal happy, cheery way. I typicality live for the holiday season, It’s my favourite time of year. But I am not going to lie, this year it’s been tough. As much as I try to put a smile on and pretend everything is fine…It’s not and it’s likely not going to be.

We found out not long before Christmas my mom has a clot in her fistula and she’ll need surgery, again. Her latest tests showed her kidney function is down to 8 percent. She’s putting on a brave face, like always, but I can tell she’s scared. And I’m trying to only fall apart when I’m alone. Which is how I spent most of Christmas because my ability to hold things together seems to be on holiday.

On top of everything with my mom, my step dad’s mom has been a bloody nightmare for the past week. She has a chest infection and she keeps calling 999 saying she’s having chest pain. They’ve admitted her 5 times in 6 days. She does have a little dementia from a stroke she had, but she also has attention issues and we can’t figure out which one is the problem. I personally think it’s a cry for attention. Before you say anything, she looked after we go in once a day for 3 hours and a carer goes in once a day for 3 years. The issue is when someone gets more attention than her, she starts to play up. And since my mom has been unwell shockingly, she thinks she needs to be in hospital.

And to add to everything, I am just feeling alone. I don’t mind being single, I’ve had my fill of dating drama and I just can’t do that anymore. But, once in a blue moon it gets to me and I am assuming since I already felt like shit, my emotions were like, why not throw one more thing on and see what happens? The answer is I cry, and I sleep. I sleep because I can’t break down when I am asleep, it’s my safe place.

This just hasn’t been a good holiday season, hell, it’s not been a good year and I have little hope that 2019 will get much better. It’s a sad place to be. But we soldier on. I would leave you with a question of the blog, but to be honest I don’t feel very chatty. But, as always, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch
xoxo

Friday, 23 November 2018

Stressed


I’m writing this post a lot later than I generally like to, but this month has been a wee bit stressful. My mom had an infection which knocked her numbers and took her out of commission for a week. Then, once she recovered from that she had to have surgery on her fistula for her dialysis, which knocked her out for another week and it’s just been busy and stressful and just a lot.

It seems like every time I get by duck in the same pond, (not row, I gave up on that dream years ago), one of the little buggers runs off to Mars. I just can’t win.

Anyways, sorry this post, is short any crappy, but as you know, sometimes life happens and blogging has to take a back seat. I will leave you with this question though; How do you keep your ducks in the same pond? Let me know your thoughts in the comments below. As always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch
xo

Friday, 2 November 2018

Q&A


Welcome to November and more importantly to the Q&A I’ve been promising. I’m not going to waste a lot of time here, I’m just going to jump into the questions you lovely humans have been asking.

How are you?

I am ok. I am in a better place than I was that’s for certain. I am still not perfect, but all things considered I am doing well.

How is your mom?

My mom is a fighter and she’s hanging in there. Her kidney function is back up to 11%, which is a relief. Her spirits remain high and that’s all you can really ask for.

Are you dating anyone?

Nope. Not even flirting with anyone these days.

How are things with Mr. X?

Perfect. I haven’t spoken to him months.

Do you miss Mr. X?

Of course. As toxic as he could be, he was also a sweetheart who could always get through to me when no one else could. Now I have to rely on myself for that, and to be honest, recently that almost didn’t work. As much of a twat as Mr. X can be, he has he’s good and I miss that.

How are things with Steve?

Things are ok. We don’t speak a whole lot these days, but that’s to be expected. Peak has started at work and time is a premium. Plus, I don’t like messaging him at home, so January will be when things start to show.

Hove things changed with Steve?

Yep. But, like I said I won’t really know what’s changed and what’s just peak stress until January.

Is Steve going to do a guest post or a Q&A like Mr. X did?

Nope. I asked the question for you and he’s not interested.

Given your firm no kids rule would you still sleep with Steve?

In case you don’t know the rule this person is talking about it is birth control, condoms and a reasonable chance the guy I am sleeping with is shooting blanks. When it comes to Steve I’d make an exception on this one.

Would you still sleep with Steve given how things have changed?

I would indeed. The whole Steve thing is about pleasure not logic.

Do you think Mr. X and Steve are cheaters?

Every relationship is different and has their own rules. By my standards in a relationship, yes, but that’s not to say that’s the case in their relationships. And since I chose not to know those facts, I can only assume they’re playing within the rules they’ve set.

Anyways, my dears, those are all the questions that you’ve submitted for this Q&A, if you have any more leave them below and I’ll either answer them there or save them for my next Q&A post. But that’s all she wrote for this one so, as always, stay and play safe.

Love,
The Honest Bitch
xoxo 

Thursday, 13 June 2013

My Pony Needs a Friend

Yesterday I was out to lunch with my step grandmother and mom, and since my step grandmother is hard of hearing and frankly, even after 13 years, still doesn’t understand my accent it’s always a very quiet affair. I don’t really mind though because it gives me a chance to indulge in my guilt pleasure of eavesdropping. And if you follow me on twitter (@TheHonestBitch) you’ll know yesterday I was sat next to a gem.

I knew I was in for a treat when the first thing she did was to sit down and take off her shoes and put her feet up on a chair. I was a little judgemental when she came in wearing a sweatshirt, white horseback riding leggings and pretentious girl up hair but the untying her shoes thing confirmed it for me.

As they were looking at their menus she told her dad “my pony needs a friend”. Her dad just sat there and said “oh really”, she then continued “yeah my pony is lonely and needs a friend; I just want an Arabian one.” He then asked her “how much do you think that will be” and drank a whole lot from his pint glass. I was just sat there trying not to laugh out loud.

She then moved on to needing £75 to get her hair cut, and then talking about school being over so she wanted to have a “small party”....only 75 of her closest friends. Then when their food arrived she said “oh and my pony’s friend needs a stable.” The dad’s response was “how much”. I would have personally just back handed her but I had good parents.

Then while I was enjoying my chocolate fudge cake she was talking to her Dad about the new car he was getting her. She asked what her budget was and he said “there isn’t one.” All I could think is “parenting you’re doing it wrong.”

But well done to the young lady who is on her way to becoming a world class gold digger; But after managing to land herself an Arabian pony, a stable, £75, a party for 75 of her closest friends and a car during the course of one meal; who can blame her.

What was the last thing that made you questions someone’s parenting style? Let me know in the comment box below and as always stay and play safe.
Love,

The Honest Bitch
xoxo


Saturday, 9 March 2013

Fake Mother's Day

It’s time once again for me to start my yearly endeavour to find a Mother’s Day card that spells mom right. There will be no spelling it “mum” or “mummy” on my watch. In case you’re wondering why I’m talking about this in March, that’s because the UK seems to think Mother’s Day is a March holiday despite most of the world knowing otherwise.

Since moving to the UK I’ve called this March holiday “Fake Mother’s Day”. I don’t really celebrate it as Mother’s Day, I do give my mom a card and something small because I feel bad that her friends get gifts and she doesn’t but I save her real gift and nice card until Mother’s Day (the real one).

I did a little research on this (stop laughing I do actual research these blogs... sometimes) and it turns out I’m kind of right on the whole Mother’s Day thing.

What the UK calls “Mother’s Day” is actually something called “Mothering Sunday” which is a Christian holiday celebrated on the 4th Sunday of lent. Only the UK, Ireland and Nigeria celebrate “Mother’s Day” on that day. 

The day most of us know as Mother’s Day (the 2nd Sunday in May) turns out to be an American invention that only became a holiday in 1914 and has no religious ties at all. It’s just a day to honour mothers and motherhood. So there is your educational fact for the day.

Anyways I’m off to find a sharpie so I can change a “u” to an “o”. Have a fantastic weekend and tell me in the comments below why do they spell it with a “u” anyways? Isn’t it short for mother, where does the “u” come from?  As always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

Friday, 9 November 2012

I Win

As many of you know my mother is a baker and because of that in the world of desserts I’m screwed. Nothing I ever bake is as good as hers. I’ve come to accept this for the most part but thanks to a little help from Pinterest and (Cookin' Up North) I finally beat her at her own game and damn it feels good.

At Thanksgiving my dessert was by far the best and even my mother admits that. I’m enjoying this while it last because it’s only a matter of time before she puts mine to shame so I thought I’d share the recipe with you guys.

It’s super simple, delicious and more importantly beat all 5 of my mom’s Thanksgiving desserts.  

Cinnamon Roll Cake

Cake
3 cups AP Flour
¼ teaspoon Salt
4 teaspoons Baking Powder
1 cup Sugar
1 ½ cups of Milk
2 Eggs
2 teaspoons Vanilla
½ cup Butter (melted)

Topping

1 cup Butter (softened)
1 cup Brown Sugar
2 Tablespoons Flour
1 Tablespoon Cinnamon

Preheat the oven to 350. Mix everything together expect the melted butter. Then very slowly mix in the butter. Once it’s all mixed together pour the batter into a 9x13 pan. Then combine the topping ingredients very well and put drops all over the cake then swirl in with a knife. Place in a 350 oven for roughly 30 minutes, it should test clean. Here’s a little tip if you find it’s browning too fast on top cover with tin foil.  

Glaze

2 cups Powdered Sugar
5 Tablespoons Milk
1 teaspoon Vanilla

Mix everything together keeping an eye on thickness it may take a little more or less milk you’re looking for a something that will drizzle, once the consistency is right drizzle over the cake while it’s warm.

If you decide to give this cake a try let me know how you get on. As always my dears stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch
xoxoxo

Thursday, 21 June 2012

Talent Isn't Genetic

I’m walking, talking living proof that talent isn’t genetic. My mom is a very talented baker and cake decorator and while I may be a pretty good baker the decorating gene clearly skipped generation with me.

It was my mom’s birthday this past week and we have a tradition in our household that the birthday person gets to pick what they want for dinner and what kind of cake they want. My mom made the decision this year she wasn’t going to make her own cake. And basically told me I was doing it if I liked it or not.

Making the cake itself wasn’t a problem for me. Baking is science and if you can follow a recipe you can’t screw it up. The problem was I knew I had to decorate it and that really isn’t my strong suit. I lack patients......and artist ability.  

Plus my mom makes gorgeous cakes. I’ll include a picture of a wedding cake she made for a friend a few months ago. And keep in mind she hates doing wedding cakes it’s by far the weakest cakes she makes. If that’s her weakness you can imagine how screwed I was.

My brain was spinning for a week trying to think of something I could do that wouldn’t look like it was made by a 3 year old. I was brain storming ideas of things my mom likes and at the top of the list was painting. The house is full of things she’s painted. I knew straight off the bat I couldn’t do that in cake form but it got me thinking. Luckily what I lack in artist skill I make up for in lateral thinking. So my brain went from actual paintings to equipment they use; splats on an artist pallet was my first thought, then my brain went from splats to abstract art. For a person who lacks artist skill abstract art is good place to be and then it hit me, my favourite artist Jackson Pollock.

If there’s one artist whose work I could do some form of justice to it’s his. Not to mention the idea instantly made me laugh which is always a sign something is going to be a lot of fun. So I went with it. I put a layer of white buttercream on the cake, made up some different coloured glaze icings and started fling them at the cake. I can’t begin to tell you how much fun it was, I was just giggling like a school girl the whole time. Even while I was cleaning the huge mess I made I was still laughing especially went I noticed the blue icing on the ceiling. I even managed to get some on the back of the shirt I was wearing. That’s kind of impressive is truly messed up sort of way.

The cake itself looked fun and most importantly everyone who saw it smiled....ok they burst out laughing but you can’t laugh while frowning. That cake got more laughs then most clowns; I don’t blame them one little bit, even I couldn’t keep a straight face looking at it.

My mom loved it; she said it looked and tasted great although she did say it was a little more Jackson Pollock’s drop cloth then his artwork but who cares it was definitely memorable and more fun than anyone should really have in a kitchen.

So tell me, what’s your favourite birthday cake and while you’re at it, what’s your favourite kitchen memory? Let me know in the comment box below.

As always my dears stay and play safe, Love,

The Honest Bitch 
xoxoxo

Tuesday, 17 April 2012

Forced Holiday

I’m back.

I guess I should start by explaining my disappearing act. There isn’t actually much to tell. I was order by my doctor to take a few weeks off and relax.

He gave me this order, well; he actually didn’t give it to me, he gave it to my mom. Yes that’s right my mom. The doctor went over my head and gave it to my mom leaving me no choice in the matter.

He gave the order for two main reasons. The first is since my MRI I’ve been having panic attacks. Which my doctor says is due to stress. 18 doctors appointment in the first 4 months of 2012 will do that to a person. The second reason was my back was spasming and I had an appointment with a new doctor coming up. It was very likely at that first appointment he was going to do injections in my back which apparently is very hard to do when the back is spasming.

At first I wasn't a fan of these orders, I had things I needed to do and nobody was letting me do them. My mom actually went so far as to, hide my netbook and steal my PC keyboard. Charming I know.

After one final panic attack it became very clear I was taking this forced holiday whether I liked it or not and I should stop wasting my energy and just go with it.

I’m weird with panic attacks; I’m a very sane crazy person. I lay with my back against the wall looking at my door, because it stops that somebody is going to come up behind me and stab me feeling. As I’m lying there I’m thinking this is fucking crazy. My room is on the ground floor and at the front of the house, surely the window would be my biggest problem not the door. Like I said I’m a sane crazy person.

Despite the fact I thought I felt fine before my forced holiday I have to admit now my doctor was right. Even though it took me the best part of my time off to actually relax once I did, I could really feel the difference and as an added plus was my neck and back weren’t feeling so tight.

Or at least they weren’t until I met my new doctors yesterday, who I can safely say beat the living shit out of my back. I guess the upside is they decided, at least for now, they aren’t going to do any injections. Thank god for that. I’ve been under that fluoroscope so many times I think my ovaries are starting to glow in the dark.

After getting double teamed by two doctors yet again today, and let me add not in the good way, I’ve been given the green light to end my forced holiday. So I should be resuming my regular blogging schedule as of....now.

And if you ask me it’s not a second too soon, I’ve missed blogging. As always my dears stay safe,

Love,

The Honest Bitch
xoxo