It shouldn’t come as a surprise to me that 2019 is off to a
less than perfect start. I’ve said it before, and I meant it, 2019 is going to
suck. I didn’t, however, think it would suck this hard, this early on.
On Monday the 21st my mom went it for a routine check-up,
it didn’t go well. Her kidney function was down to 8% and a lot of her other
stats were not where they should or have been. At this point they tried to
admit her. Since my mother is my mother, she told them not a chance that was
happening. So, they arrange for her to come back the following morning at 9am,
to meet with her team. If you know anything about the NHS, that’s not a good
sign, to get a surgeon, doctor, specialist and nurse together, in the same
place, with less than 24 hours’ notice is unheard of. And what happened next is
even more unheard of. She was told she’d be having surgery at 7am the following
day.
We knew she’d have to have surgery again soon due to the
cloth is her AV fistula, but nobody was ready for how soon. Like I said the NHS
doesn’t move quickly so, this just confirmed to me how bad things were. The surgery
went fine, a lot longer than last time. This was down to the blocker they used
being inserted into her diaphragm, meaning she was unable to breath on her own.
Luckily, she regained the ability the breath unassisted around midnight and they
were able to discharge her the next day. She’s at home now, battered a bruised
but she’s doing ok.
I, other hand, am all shades of not ok. My only job in all of
this is to hold my shit together and I am failing. Tyler said to me, not actually
knowing what was going on, it’s ok to fall apart sometimes. And I agree. I have
designated failing apart time. I am allowed to fall apart in the shower, in the
car on the way home from work and in bed before I fall asleep on non-work days.
However, my body doesn’t seem to want to uphold that schedule.
On Tuesday night at work, the day before my mom’s surgery, I
was losing it. I held it together, just, on the way in. I kept together as I
got everyone out of the office on their jobs. But, around midnight, for no real
reason, I started shaking and I could feel the battle was over, I had I couldn’t
fight the emotions anymore. At that moment my phone rang, and it was Tyler. I
held back what I could and answered the phone. He knew something was up. He offered to listen, but when I couldn't talk about it, he
didn’t push to find out what was wrong. He just hung around making jokes where he could. Shifting my mind off things. I owe him one
for that. I wouldn’t have made it through my shift without him.
Anyways, my face is starting to leak and I can’t deal with
that right now, so I am going to end this here. I’ll leave with you with this
question; how do you hold it together when everything is going wrong? Let me
know your thoughts in the comments below and as always. Stay and play safe.
Love,
The Honest Bitch
xoxo
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