Friday, 4 September 2020

My Head Is Spinning


Part of being a blogger is self-reflection and understanding. After a while (I've been doing this over well over years) you start to be able to almost psychoanalysis yourself, and to be honest, that sucks. My head is spinning and has been spinning since my date with Barrie, actually it's been spinning since halfway through my date. Where most girls would just blame the guy and put how she feels onto him. I can't do that, I know better. Yes, had things happened slightly differently, I likely wouldn’t be in this head space now. But I didn’t verbalise my needs and that’s on me. Guys, much as we hate to admit it, aren’t psychic and we shouldn’t expect them to be.

The issue is he knocks my confidence, not on propose. He’s just out of my league and I know it. So, sometimes I need a little reassurance, a reminder that I’m worthy or special enough for what my brain believes to be too good for. That night, on the date; I needed something. A firm hug, a hand hold, a hand on the leg, just something and I didn’t get it. And because it never came, my brain made me feel less. I was questioning why he was there, why he speaks to me, if this was it. In the end, I'd catch myself fidgeting, trying to distract myself from thinking, from worrying. I’ll be honest, I don’t remember any of the drive home. I could quite my brain, at all. Once again, this is all on me. This boils down to a confidence issue and not feeling worthy. Which, for the record, sucks to say out loud.

When I got home, and to my surprise, he was still messaging me. I was still looking for that reassurance, and shockingly, since I didn't ask for it, and as we established men are psychic, it never came. Yes, once again, I could try to place it on him. He could have played things differently and maybe I'd feel better. But how is he to know any of this going on in my head? We have a playful, banter filled relationship. He’s just being him. I am the one that’s off.


He's not to know, what damage is left for previous relationships. Nobody talks about that shit. Nobody goes, here’s my list of faults and quirks. Due to the whole Mr. X thing, I handle the gray area of dating before a commitment and exclusivity horribly. And who can blame me?  The guy I was in love with and who claimed to have felt the same way got married while we were in this stage. That, my friends, fucking stings. That said, I'm lucky. Most people are damaged in relationships. I am not. I have no unhealed scars there. Relationships are a breeze, I'm chilled. It’s getting there that turns me crazy and once again I'm painfully aware of why that is. It’s like I am the most sane crazy person ever.

Tonight, Barrie has gone out for drinks. I said harmlessly when I found out "have fun, just not too much fun." He responded back with "is there such a thing?". This hasn't helped my brain any. And it’s pissing me off, because I know in a relationship that sentence wouldn't have phased me at all. But in this stage, I'm writing a blog at work because I need the logical side of my brain to kick in. I have zero right to feel any way about anything he is or isn't doing. Yet, I'm positive he’s on a date. And I’m positive given the hour, he's fucking some girl right now. And clearly this makes me feel things. The stupid thing is I know had he said, "you have nothing to worry about." as a response instead, I wouldn’t even have given it a second thought. Again... this is a me thing. Like I said, I have no right to feel any way. He is not my boyfriend, we are not exclusive, he owns be no loyalty nor explanation. This boils back to me feeling like he's too good for me and questioning why anyone would want me let alone someone on his level. That’s a me problem.

Knowing this stuff sucks. Rather than lashing out, which might make me feel better. I have to look within and just deal with it and try to grow. I am a large part of the issue, it’s on me. I am responsible for how I react. No one else.

Anyway, I am off to wonder if the imaginary or non-imaginary girl is better in bed than me (I'm actually laughing about this now. It’s so silly... bet she's more in practice than me.) Have any of you felt like this?  Let me know your stories in the comments below. As always my dears, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxo



Friday, 28 August 2020

Left Confused

 I was planning to skip this post until I got some clarity, and I knew what I wanted to say, but I don’t think that clarity is going to come until I sit down and write. So, I guess this post is going to be as much a surprise to you as it is to me.

The fact I was nervous before this date isn’t a secret. I did better this time, I didn’t break down into tears from fear the day before I held my shit together… Until I was 20 minutes off and debating turning around and running away. I didn’t. I got there and this time I wasn’t instantly at ease I still nervous and those nerves didn’t go at all in the 23 hours we were together. Hell, they got worse. By the time I left I visually fidgeting, which I haven’t done in years.

The first part of the date was fine, we went for a drink and some lunch. Things were ok, we went back to the room. Things…. Progressed. I am not going to go into details, but they few hours we spent in the room were enjoyable.

Then we went back out for dinner. This is where things took a turn or didn’t, I still don’t know. This is where I discovered I can’t read him, and he doesn’t flirt, which I knew and is fine, but in this situation, I needed something. And to be honest, that feeling remains.

I am not going to go into any more details right now, because, that sentence better much summed up where I am. Everything was fine and perfectly enjoyable, but I am still left unsure and confused. I needed a hand hold or a tight hold and a kiss or…. I needed a something, that little reassurance. That would have been a game changer. A little confidence goes a long way and mine was knocked and never rebuilt.

I’ve been trying to get something since I’ve been home from him and I am still not so… fuck knows. Anyways, I need sleep so as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

Friday, 21 August 2020

Freaking Out

 

I am trying hard to keep my crazy at bay, but I am freaking out. And not just a little bit, but a whole bunch of crazy freaking-outness is boiling not even underneath the surface at the point. It’s peaking out and I am playing whack-a-mole with it.

Let me explain; I have a date with Barrie coming up, Sunday 23rd to be exact. Putting aside that fact, I wasn’t expecting a date for our second date to be set yet, it kind of came out of the blue. The idea of this date has me nervous. The whole thing is atypical and has me on edge.

This isn’t a typical second date, we’ve been talking for almost 4 months. Which makes it weird timing to be having a second date. We’re comfortable with each other, we know a lot about each other and about each other’s routines, but we don’t know each other habits. We’re not where we should be, but we’re not where a typical second date would be either.

The other thing making this date feel more, something, is the fact we’ve booked a hotel. Which being 4 months into a “relationship” makes sense and is perfectly normal. However, we’re only at date number 2. With us being at a hotel, sex is the expectation or at least it feels like it is. And that’s nerve-racking. This is one place I prefer to go with the flow, it’s actually the only place I prefer that.

I am nervous about this date. Like when the hotel was booked, frozen in fear scared. I know it’ll be ok. And I am sure, like last time within minutes I’ll be at easy. That said, right now I am freaking out.

Anyways, I am off to chill out before I had back at work tomorrow. Before I go I will leave you with this question; Do you find 2nd dates more stressful than first dates? Let me know in the comments below and as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxo 

Friday, 14 August 2020

The Gray Zone

 

If you’ve been here a while the statement I am about to make won’t come as a surprise, but in case you’re new here; I don’t do the grey area well. I put this down to two things, OCD, I can’t stand to leave things unfinished. So being in the grey zone in a relationship plays on that. It never really got started therefor it can’t end. And second Mr. X.

Most people’s relationship trauma comes from bad break ups or bad relationships. I am lucky that I have no lasting scars from my past relationships. Yes, some were less than ideal, but I have made peace with all that. My scarring is in the grey zone. I have no trust in that zone, I am not confident in the zone… I feel vulnerable in that zone. It’s not a place I like to be and my ability to be in it is proving to be minimal. I am aware enough to know it’s not good for my mental health.

However, that OCD of not leaving things unfinished is a powerful bitch. I am at the point where I need to look at the Barrie situation, we’ve been going with the flow for 3 months and like I said I know it’s not good for me. I feel very unlike myself, and I need to get me back. But my head keeps telling me it’s not started so it can’t be done.

I swear I’ve done all the healing and self-reflexion I can from the whole Mr X thing, yet…. Clearly, I am still fucked up. That twat is actually going to land me in therapy at this rate. I

Anyways, I am going to go because I want to cry and that’s not going to happen today. As always stay and play safe.

Love,

 The Honest Bitch 

xoxo

Friday, 7 August 2020

Communication

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again for someone who makes a living (be it part time these days) writing words, I really suck at using them. And that’s not completely my fault, I am trained to swallow as much emotion as I can. Keep a level and put together appearance while not being ok in any shape nor form. So often I fail to communicate what’s going on, or how I am feeling and just brush off things that are upsetting me because that put together appearance is most important. And that, as you can imagine doesn’t tend to end well either.

A simple emotion like missing someone, or disappointment has a way of getting misinterpreted in all the “yeah, I am fine.” It gets perceived as grumpy or standoff -ish or bitchy. When that isn’t the case, at least to start with.

Let’s talk Barrie for a second; he recently said it would be a while before we got to see each again. Which obviously is fine, things happen, but it’s a little disappointing, I mean I do like the guy after all. My reaction to him is one of non-reaction. Clearly that’s not how I feel inside, but I am not about to show that because…. No. So I distanced. It’s easier to keep up appearances that way. He then assumes I am being grumpy and drops his “x’s” from the ends of his messages. I then got grumpy because I wasn’t grumpy in the first place, I was just missing that twat and then he stops talking to me. See the problem? My communication skills are amazing… and I can’t even blame it on verbal issues because this was all in text. And writing is meant to be the thing I am good at…. Someone send help… and alcohol.

This my dear friends is why I am going to die alone. I genuinely had a falling out with a guy because I missed him, and I wanted to see him.  Men of the world, I am sorry, you’re just screwed this is how twisted the female brain can be. There is no hope.

Anyways, I am off to drink because scientifically alcohol is in fact a solution. But before I go, I have this question for you, what is the stupid fight you’ve ever had with someone? Let me know in the comments below. And as always, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

Friday, 31 July 2020

Am I Broken?


We’re all shaped by our environment, our friends, our family, our work. After my reactions to things over the past week weeks starting to wonder if as a result of my surroundings if I might be broken.

I work in a male dominated environment; I am surrounded by man at their worst. I see and hear the bullshit they pull on a daily basics. I’ve said this many times, my job is part of the reason I’m single. It inherently gives you trust issues. I see that even the “nice guys” are often jerks.

So, in a twist of faith, I met Barrie. The definition of a nice guy. He is sickly sweet, a perfect gentleman, the sort of guy every girl dreams about and I hate it. I feel like I am waiting for his crazy, assholeness to pop out at any moment. I don’t trust that there can be anyone that perfect. And I am aware that issue is totally mine, he’s given me know reason to feel that way.

We’ve been talking over 2 months now and when I say he’s a gentleman I mean it. Good morning messages every morning, sweet comments that actually make me say “aww” out loud. And not even an attempt to sext, no rude pictures. When I said he was the perfect guy, particularly after a while out of the dating pool, I wasn’t kidding. It’s like teenage dating again. It almost feels innocent.

With all that said, I feel like I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. Good guys, aren’t single in their 30’s. They’ve all been snapped up. So why is he single, how is he single? What is wrong with him?  And why do I have these questions? Why can’t I just enjoy having a good guy after all the fuckwit in my past. Am I truly that jaded?

Anyways, I am off to stew in my own thoughts. But before I go, I have this question for you; Am I the only one who has these thoughts? Am I alone in not trusting nice? Let me know your thoughts in the comments below and as always, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxo


Friday, 24 July 2020

The First Date

After almost 2 months of messaging, Barrie and I finally had our first date yesterday, that was 27th of June since this post is going up much later. I was so scared. Like I said in my previous post, the whole personal trainer thing was stressing me out. My body confidence was low, and I just didn’t think when he finally met me and he saw all of me, the words he’d been saying all this time would hold true.

Before we met up, the weather took a turn and to my amusement Barrie was stress. We were meeting at a country park because thanks to the lockdown nothing is open, so we needed the weather to be on our side and the week up to it, it looked great but the day of the forecast was dire. He was so stressed it was adorable and actually help calm me down because I spent the morning laughing at him. It wasn’t until I was like 5 minutes away, I was scared.

Turns out I was scared for no reason, he walked up to me a massive hug and kiss on the cheek. Definitely a good sign in my books. He then gave me some super pretty flowers and produced 2 umbrellas just in case it did try to rain on our day. We got some drinks a walked around. We’d walk a little, then sit on a bench and chat. It was lovely. We found this gorgeous spot up on a hill, overlooking some water and it was there he kissed me. And I don’t think the smile has left my face since.

It was a lovely day, probably my favourite first date ever. He was cute and so sweet. After being out of the dating game so long it was just what I needed. And to be honest, I am little smitten. He’s one of the good ones… At least so far.

Anyways, that is you lovely people totally up to date on what’s been happening while I’ve been away. It’s been an interesting few months and fingers crossed it stays that way. As always, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

Friday, 17 July 2020

Quarantine Dating

I feel like this post should start with me singing “bored in the house, and I’m in the house bored.” But it wasn’t me bored; it was the gay husband… the way all good stories start. It was the end of April and it was decided against my will that I needed to join a dating site. Mainly, in my opinion because the gay husband wanted to judge people. But whatever his motive a dating profile was setup.

In case anyone was wondering, dating sites haven’t changed much. They are still filled with a million reminders that dying alone isn’t a bad thing. That said, after a few weeks and contemplating buy cats, a guy who didn’t send out a million warning flags messaged me. For blogging sake, we are going to call him Barrie.

Barrie first messaged me on May 2nd, he just started with current normal dating site first conversation “how is lockdown treating you?” kind of thing. Unlike most, the conversation kept flowing, and about a week later we exchanged numbers and we’ve been chatting ever since, just for the record I am writing this on June 28th.

It’s been an interesting way to start a “relationship”, we, until recently, have been under a strict lockdown, so meeting was out of the question. Hell, it was against the law. So, it forced us to chat and get to know each other more than we likely would have otherwise. We really had the opportunity to get to know each other and figure out some of our quirks.

I will tell you guys this, he is a sweetheart. Like sickly sweet. I am not use to it. I mean, I work in transport I am used to asshole men, I have no defence for sweet. He also brings out a softer side in me. He is a trained personal trainer, which has brought out some body confidence issues in me. Like he’s perfect, why would he want wobble old me. But I know that’s a me thing and nothing to do with him. But we will see how that plays out.

And for the record, I am aware how things ended with the last personal trainer I dated, but that was over 10 years ago, and that guy was just a prick, there is no comparison.

Anyways that is it for this post, I am off to message Barrie and smile at my phone like a crazy person. But before I go I have this question for you; Have you started talking to anyone during lockdown? Let me know in the comments below, and, as always, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch  

xoxo

Friday, 10 July 2020

The Obligatory Tyler Update

I’ve been out of the blogosphere for roughly 3 months, so I know you guys would like a Tyler update, since it was my most popular request before I vanished.

Not a whole lot to catch you up on really. He is still a sweetie and the best work husband a girl could ask for. He is still one of the only reason I make it through some shifts without completely snapping. Definitely still the only voice of reason I listen to… most of the time.

However, that’s it. He is not interested. And I hate to put this out there, but I’ve been questioning for a while whether he may be asexual. Please, don’t for a second think this is an ego thing. It’s not his lack of interest in me that is making me question, it’s his lack of interest in anyone. When we talk, he often mentions not getting married or having a family or any relationship at all. He says he fine dying alone. He never comments that a girl is pretty or hot, or guys for that matter. When you ask him about celebrity crushes, he changes the subject. I don’t really know the story, but it makes me wonder.

Anyways, now that I have broken your hearts, I am off, to hopefully write 2 more blog posts because I have a lot to say, this 3 months off has made me chatty. As always you lovely people, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

Xoxo 

Friday, 3 July 2020

I Am Back

Hey Strangers, it has been a while, I know. Apologies for dropping off the face of the Earth for a few months, but life got a little too real and writing made it more real. I just couldn’t handle more real, real was bad enough.

 Unless you’ve been hiding under a rock, you’re aware there’s a pandemic going on. The world is crazy right now. Those of you who has been around for a while know my mom is sick. She is classified as “clinically extremely vulnerable” and has been ordered to “shield”.

In a cruel turn of fate, I am classified as essential worker. Working in transport, apparently, I am critical to the supply chain. I had a lot of guilt about this. I was going to work, day in day out possibly getting exposed and coming home and potentially passing god knows what on to my mom. I thought for many months, I was going to be the thing or reason my mom died. It was a lot to handle and I wasn’t doing the best job of handling it. That’s for sure. But I am in a better place with everything now. I just needed some time to work out a “new normal” and luckily so far, no virus.

I have a lot to catch you up on over the next few posts, so make sure you come every Friday to hear all the gossip. You guys have been amazing through this. Thank you for hanging around and all your concern. As always, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch  

xoxo


Friday, 13 March 2020

All Done


So, my holiday is coming to end, and I’m both ready and dreading it. I’m missing chatting with Tyler and the guys in the office, but I am heading back to change, and nobody knows how what is going to happen. I’m also heading back not having achieved what I planned with my time off. I’m not too mad about that though, I needed a little chill time. Wish I had played more sims, but I was kidding myself that I was going to get stuff done.

I am going to keep this post nice and short as frankly I want to go and have a nap and we shall be back to business as usually next week. As always you pretty people, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch
xoxo

Friday, 6 March 2020

Nothing To Write About


This holiday from work is going too fast, and I’ve both done nothing and too much. Everything is sorted for my new bed that is coming tomorrow. I’m going to hurt tomorrow, but at least everything major is done. But I haven’t managed to get any studying in, which I really wanted to focus on this week. I guess you win some and loss some.

I am also really missing Tyler this week. I haven’t been very people person-ish this week and despite this I do need to talk and communicate once in a while and he’s one of the few people I don’t want to stab with something sharp.

Anyways, I am heading to bed, its been a long day and I am starting to get sore already. As always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch
xoxo

Friday, 28 February 2020

Charming


There is an interesting side effect from living on the opposite side of the planet from most of your family. It’s when family members die, you don’t instantly feel grief, you get pissed off. It’s a strange coping mechanism or maybe it’s just human nature. You see when you live on the opposite side of the planet you don’t find out about deaths in a normal nature, you find our on social media. And then you get mad, really fucking mad.

My Aunt Joan died a couple of days ago, she’s one of the only people on my mom’s biological side of the family I actually liked. I spent summers there, she held the family Christmas party every year. She was one the only good people on that side of the family. And as you can guess I found out she died on fucking Facebook. Got to love family, right.

Anyways I am on holiday this week, and I am sober, so I need to go fix that. As always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch  
xoxo

Friday, 21 February 2020

Plans


Am I the only person that finds having a plan or long-term commitments stressful? Don’t get me wrong, I have a loose plan, I have an end goal, but a step-by-step plan or commitment past the next 7 ish day, stress me the hell out.

I think it has something to do with me not liking to let people or myself down. I know where I am now, mentally, physically, but 1 month, 2 months for now who knows. And I hate to back down, so I know from experience I’ll just push myself and do that I said even though it may not be what’s best for me.

Anyways you pretty people, I am off to go and study because sooner or later I will be that fucking time off work to do my course. As always, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch
xoxo

Friday, 14 February 2020

Happy Valentine’s Days


Happy Valentine’s Days you beautiful people. I hope you’re all have a fabulous day and none of you are letting the BS of the day get you down. Just remember today is about love, not relationships, so show yourself a little self-love. Do something you enjoy, spend some time just focusing on you. 



Relationships are all well and good, but the only one that truly matters is the relationship you have with yourself.

As always, my dears, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch
xoxo

Friday, 7 February 2020

I Miss Tyler

I hate to admit this, but I am missing Tyler. We haven’t been as chatty as normal, and I’m feeling the impact. He brings calm, light heartedness to most situations and without that, my people battery is going flat a lot quicker than I’m used to.

It pains me to admit I might actually need him, or any person for that matter, but it would appear that I do…I don’t like this.

Considering I hate most people and can barely tolerate the rest, I find it a horrible inconvenience that I might actually need another human. It’s not something I do. And, frankly, it feels wrong. But I guess it’s ok. I mean everyone needs someone sometimes?

Anyways, I am going to go and get some sleep, I need to flip back to night mode for work tomorrow. But before I do, I have this question for you. Does it bother you to need to lean on someone? Let me know in the comments below. And as always, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch
xoxo

Friday, 31 January 2020

Changing up the plan


Thanks to a lack of holiday approval I’m having to shake up my plan and even as I write this, I’m not sure the change will work since I’m still lacking approve. I put my holiday request in in November and still nothing… feel like it would be easier to get a new job at this point. That said, my new aim, since the course I wanted to do is now full, is to do my CPC in June.

Which isn’t a bad thing, I had fallen behind in studying so this should allow me to get back on track. I have 16 units left to go over and 15 weeks until the course, so I should be able to everything done and fully give myself the best chance to succeed.

Anyways I am off to drink because I am back at work tomorrow and that makes me want to drink. As always stay and play safe.

Love,
The Honest Bitch
xoxo

Friday, 24 January 2020

Slow Going


2020 progress is slow…so slow. I just can’t seem to find motivation. My get up and go, got up and went. And I’m just blah. I wish I could put my finger on why or what’s up, but I am at loss. I know I’m stressed on some level, mainly because my REM sleep is through the roof. Which normally means I’m working through something… I just don’t know what. Too much REM sleep can leave you blah and tired, so everything is likely linked… I just don’t know what the cause is.

All this is quickly becoming boring and I’m longing for the days when I feel good and can actually get shit done.

Anyways its 3am and I am back at work tonight so I need to start getting ready to not sleep when I should and feel like shit for 4 days. Before I go, I’ll leave you with this question what do you do to get motivated? Let me know in the comments below and as always, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch
xoxo

Friday, 17 January 2020

Mini Tyler Update


A lot of you have been requested a Tyler update and since I can’t think of anything to write about, now seems like a good time to give one.

This is going to be short; this is no update. Nothing has changed, all is the same. Heck, I should have written this post last week when I was running behind. I know Team Tyler is strong and full of hope, but I think you’re alone on that one.

Anyways you pretty people, I am going to go and try and get a little more studying done. But before I go I shall leave you with this question; how is your New Year going. Let me know in the comments below and as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch
xoxo

Friday, 10 January 2020

Still Not Together


In case you’re wonder, yep my mission to keep my ducks in a row in 2020 is still failing. Hence why this post will be back dated to Friday despite be writing it at midnight on Saturday. One day I will have everything balanced, I swear, but not any time soon from the looks of it.

The other issue I have is, I have nothing to say right now. Dating life is nothing, work is still very much work and all my free time is currently taken up trying to cram for my CPC in March which I may or may not be doing since I can’t get my fucking holiday days approved.

Anyways I have to go, this is day 1 off which is why I am writing so late, sleep happened. Hopefully next week, things will be better…maybe. Love you all, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch
xoxo

Friday, 3 January 2020

Starting The Year Off Wrong


Happy New Year! My plan to get my shit together is a failure already, seeing as its Thursday night and I’m just writing this…oops. However, I didn’t want to miss a post so we’re starting 2020 with a throwaway post. Forming habits is the most important thing, at least that’s my belief. It’s like my working out goal from last year. It sucked however it became such a habit, in the end I couldn’t relax until it was done.

Anyways, I am going bed. I finished work this morning which makes today national sleep day. But before I go, I will leave you with this question; what is your New Year’s resolution?  Let me know in the comments below. As always, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch
xoxo