Friday, 31 March 2017

Good Idea, Gone Bad

I really must learn to leave well enough alone. I just had to test whether I was dead inside or if it just the work effect. I just had to knowI’m a dumbass.

“Sure, I miss that face, that skin, that kissing ability, that sarcasm... but someone who gets me, someone who understands me, more than most - It makes me miss you.”  - Mr. X

If I was at work, I know for a fact, that wouldn’t have had any effect on me. But, because I was at home, all the feelings. It made me remember that connection we had and why I loved him. It made me remember he wasn’t always evil.

I’m a fucking genuine. I get mad at him for frustrating comments, that are useless in the grand scheme and there I am doing the same sort of thing.

Anyways, I’m going to go and drink and pretend I didn’t open that whole can of worms.  But before I go I have this question for you; what was the last thing you regret doing? Let me know in the comment box below. And, as always, stay and play safe.


The Honest Bitch 

Friday, 24 March 2017

Let’s Get Drunk and Talk

Let me start with normal disclaimer: This post will be written drunk and edited drunk. Once I have sobered up I will not touch the post again.  I will of course answer comments and all that, but there will be no sober editing done. Now that that’s all been said, let’s bring on the tequila.

Mr. X that is the big question and something both you and I and probably him would like answers on.

1.      “I miss you” is the most useless, misleading, bullshit comment ever spoken by a human being.

That statement makes me more angry than anything. It’s designed to be an emotion fuck. It’s a “I’m in a happy marriage, but I miss you.” How useless and utterly disruptive is that comment? It achieves nothing. Other than evidently pissing me off.

2.      Balance

Balance is the answer to all popular question “why are you still friends with him.” Mr. X has always brought balance to me and me to him whether he likes to admit it or not. Maybe not as much these days, because I’ve learned and have been able to take his heartless logical… ness and implement it myself. But, he still is a source of reason for me.

3.      I will not be “the other woman”.

While Mr. X is married, he will not be touched in any way by me! Other then maybe me slapping him, because…. I’m sure he has it coming. I will not play second fiddle to anyone and that’s that.

4.      Is there a future?

I have never ruled out anything with Mr. X. Our history is undeniable. The spark is undeniable. That said, we never dated, we never had time to learn each other, so I’m not going to say I’d marry the man, but I’d be willing to see what is there.

5.      I don’t know what I feel!

Mr. X has and always will have a special place in my heart. We’ve been through a lot. Forgetting the romantic side, which was a shit show. He’s always been a good friend to me and someone to lean on. He’s been one of those people who make you better… his method may be questionable, but the results there.

All that said, my point about never dating remains. I wish we gave it shot back then. I wish we could have seen what was there. I wish things had gone differently, but they didn’t. And life goes on and things, at least for me, worked out well. 

6.      I wish nobody failure in their marriage.

Do I wonder how things could have gone? Of course. But life wrote a different story. And maybe it’ll bring us together one day so whose knows. Maybe he needed marriage number 1 to change him to be better for marriage 2.  I don’t pretend to know what the future has in store. I just hope he’s happy by the end of it.  That’s all I really want, is him to be genially happy.

And since that sentence made me cry, today’s drunk blog is over. I hope it was entertaining, made sense, answered some questions, and more than anything I hope the hangover won’t make me pray death. Before I go I’ll leave you with this question: what are your hangover cures? Let me know your answer to that, any other thoughts you may have in the comments below. And as always stay and play safe.


The Honest Bitch

Friday, 17 March 2017

Dead Inside

I’m starting to worry that I am slightly dead inside. I’ve spent years building walls and toughening up to become the strong woman I am today. Working in such a male dominate environment has really focused me to be less emotional and almost detached in order to be taken seriously and gain success. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t always succeed in keeping my emotions in check, but it takes a lot for me crack these days.

With all that said; I think I may have done too good of a job. I know what I should be feeling regarding the whole Mr. X thing, yet I feel nothing. It’s like my brain hasn’t taken the information in. I’m not sure if it’s because every time he’s spoken to me, I’ve been at work or if I’m genuinely broken.

 I’m fairly switched off at work; I have a job to do and I get it done and once I leave it never happened. It’s a stressful job and I find that the easiest way to stay sane. So, I’m wondering if that’s why Mr. X hasn’t sunk it. He spoke to me at work, we had the needed conversation and I came home as if nothing happened.

 Either that or years of dealing with fuck-wit men has left emotional scarred and broken. Either, or really.

Anyways, I’m going to go and have a nap. But before I go I have this question for you; do you compartmentalize work and real life, or do you have a different way of dealing with stress? Let me know in the comment box below and as always stay and play safe.


The Honest Bitch 

Friday, 10 March 2017

"I Miss You"

I’ve been a little baffled by my lack of reaction to this whole “I miss you” thing. And after a little thought; more than I’ve given the actual statement in all fairness, I think I understand why. I miss you is a very vague statement. In the grand scheme of things, it means almost nothing, and that’s probably why I’ve felt almost nothing regarding it.

I miss my old Corsa. I’m not going to do anything about it, the car is nearly 20 years old at this point and is long gone, but I miss it. It was a good car to me. That about sums up Mr. X’s statement. I’m broken down car with fond memories attached.

"I miss you" is so vague, what does it even mean? Does it mean anything? I suppose if I want these questions answered I should just ask Mr. X.

But, do I want them answered?

I feel I may be too sober for this conversation. Actually, I feel like I’ve been tricked into having a different conversation, one I didn’t want to have. Because you should never ask questions you don’t want the answer to. And I don't think the answer benefits me in any way. 

Anyways, I am going to go and… drink. I think drinking is the answer here. But before I do, I have this question for you; What does “I miss you” mean and do I want the answer? Let me know your thoughts in the comment box below and as always stay and play safe.


The Honest Bitch

Friday, 3 March 2017

Mr. X's Come Back

They say when women spend a lot of time together their cycles sync; after working in a male dominated industry for almost a decade I’m positive male cycles do the same thing. And before you a say anything, yes men have hormone cycles too. They just don’t bleed, they turn into whiny-ass bitches instead. And on my last shift this week, I swear 80 percent of my drivers were PMSing. It was a night from hell, and it wasn’t the work causing the stress, it was they guys and their attitudes.

While dealing with the headaches above, I look down at my phone and noticed Mr. X’s head popped up on Facebook. I figured what the hell, after the night I was having, what’s one more headache? I mean, I may as well deal with whatever he has to say while my night is already crap so I can enjoy my 4 days off in peace.

I look down and his comment was regarding my last post, which I figured it would be. He said he liked the post and that he swore he doesn’t try to torment me. I had two instant thoughts

 1)      If you liked it, I hope you clicked an ad.
 2)      Hmm, yeah you do.

I just replied back with “thanks” and waited for the ball to drop and it soon did. He came out with “Do you want me to be flat out honest with you?” Me being me and not really being fully in the conversation replied with “if you’d like.” He then said “I would” and then he did something he calls me out for all the time. He’d typed and deleted and typed and deleted. He eventually added “The only variable is: What do you want to know?”. 

Bearing in mind the night I was having, dealing with man-children; all I was thinking was “dude, you clearly want to tell me something. Just fucking tell me.” Admittedly, I thought it was going to go a different way than it did.  If you’ve been here a while you’ll remember the last time Mr. X had something to tell me, he told me he loved me and vanished for 6 months. I eventually replied with “Whatever you'd like to tell me.” A fairly nice response given my mind-set.
“I miss you”, was what he said next. Then he said he said to go and went.

The reaction in my head was a little detached to say the least, it was “bullshit you don’t say things just to torment me.” And then I went back to answering my phones at work.

I’ll be honest, it’s been 24 hours and I don’t think I’ve processed any of it. I came home from work yesterday had… a lot to drink, and went to bed. I woke up at 2am and wrote this. I think that might be my next post. I’ll sit down and write and let my brain figure everything out.

Anyways, that’s you up to date. And I need to go and get dressed and take my car in, hopefully it doesn’t cost me too much. But, before I go I have this question for you; do you think Mr. X says things just to torment me? Let me know the answer to that and any thoughts you may have in the comment box below. And as always, stay and play safe.


The Honest Bitch