Thursday, 29 March 2012

Questionable Penis

There is something that has baffled women for years and I have to ask, why do guys take pictures of their junk and send it to us?

On behalf of women everywhere “STOP”! I don’t know what response you’re hoping for but I can guarantee you’re not getting it.

When we receive these unsolicited pictures our first response is to laugh, men look funny naked, it’s just a fact of life. While we’re laughing we’re also scanning the picture for information. This may sound strange but women are nosey and by scanning a picture of this type I managed to find out the guy I was chatting to was married. See, not so strange, it’s smart.

After all the laughing subsides, we begin to wonder why any guy in their right mind would want to show that off. Guys in these pictures always look so proud and after seeing more then my fair share I can safely say they shouldn’t be. I don’t believe there is such a thing as a well hung picture flasher.

Picture flasher is the technical name my friends and I have come up with for this phenomenon. Unlike their flasher cousins these men don’t wear trench coats they’re just armed with digital cameras.

I’m sorry to tell you this guys but on the whole women just aren’t turned on by seeing a dick. There is actually scientific research to back me up on that statement.

Men are mainly turned on visually; they can see something and thier little friend pops up to play.

Women on the other hand are more turned on by sound. We like to hear the interaction and hear that everything is being enjoyed. So because of that fact women are never going to ravage you just because you held your camera up to your junk.

The other thing you may not be aware of is women talk. We also share picture and when we share these pictures nice things are never spoken. I would say for every 1 picture you send 3 women and a guy see it.

If I had my way all the unsolicited pictures would be posted online with a picture of the guys face next to it. That way all women could see it and judge and or laugh for themselves.

Also by sending us these pictures you’re just setting yourself up for failure. If we decided to see your manhood in person, you know what we’re thinking. We’re thinking it’s a lot smaller than in the picture both in length and girth. Keeping in mind we probably didn’t think it was that big to begin with. That’s what you call double disappointment.

And double disappointment is the number one cause of faked orgasms.

Play safe, Love,

The Honest Bitch

Saturday, 24 March 2012

Most Annoying Words In The English Language

Are there any more annoying words in the English language then “send me a pic”?

It’s like the modern day equitant of sharing a bed with a women and repeatedly poking her in the back while she’s trying to sleep.

Give it a fucking rest!

First of all, are men aware how whiny and needy they sound when they’re repeatedly asking? It’s like a small child throwing a temper tantrum in a grocery store because he can’t have any candy. Nobody wants to fuck a man-child.

If all you really wanted was a picture you wouldn’t have to ask, it’s called Facebook. Pretty much everyone on the planet has more than their fair share of pictures on there. But you don’t really want a picture do you? You want something to cum over but instead of being honest you take the slimy road. And then wonder why the girl is getting irritated with you.

Of course your cure to the irritation you caused is to butter us up with comments about how good we look or your “feeling” for us. You couldn’t be any more transparent. It’s pathetic.

What I don’t understand is, if your goal is to get laid how does pissing off women get you closer to that goal? It makes no sense to me.

The whole thing is just a blatant insult to our intelligence. Then men wonder why women think romance is dead. We think it’s dead because pretty much every nice thing that comes out of a man’s mouth seems to be followed by “send me pic.”

How would you like it if we related everything nice we said to a picture? Image this, you’re making out with a hot girl, it’s all going great then she says “oh you’re so hard”.....”But it looked a lot bigger in the pic.” Mood killer right? Cheapens the whole thing, and that’s what you do to us every, single time you ask.

There is a time and place for pictures and if you have to ask it’s not the right time and you don’t deserve one.

Play Safe, Love,

The Honest Bitch

Monday, 19 March 2012

One Last Lesson

As I sit here on my bed thinking about my reaction or lack of reaction to the whole Mr. X new love thing. It finally hit me, I could lay here and cried all I wanted, but he wouldn’t care, and that’s why I don’t.

I’ve spent so many years chasing the phantom, convincing myself I’ve put too much effort and time in to give up. I think by the end it became more about the thrill of the chase and the need to win more then wanting a relationship or anything like that.

Don’t get me wrong, there are things I genuinely love about him. His sense of honour, his wit, the fact his assholedom pushes me and motivates me to do my best. But let’s face fact...I’m not what he wants.

And.....I’m ok with that.

When I really think about it, he isn’t what I want either. I want someone who’ll take me as I am, someone who cares enough to spare my feelings, someone who will be there when I’m upset or hurt. I remember being in hospital, waking up after surgery in the recovery room and asking for him. But even then, deep down I knew he’d never be that guy.

The truly fucked up part of that story is I was deep into a relationship with Chicken Man at the time, who I also didn't see while I was in hospital but I digress.

After everything is said and done, I don’t regret anything and I can honestly say it hasn’t left me bitter. Some guys give you earth shaking orgasms and others just shake you to your core, changing you forever. Since I’m not the same girl I was all those years ago I can safely say he did that.

And as a parting gift he taught me one more very valuable lesson...

....You can’t win them all.

-The Honest Bitch

Sunday, 18 March 2012

When One Cock Closes...

When One Cock Closes Another One Pops Up....

....The title of a blog I probably shouldn't be writing while drunk but I’ve never been one to take the dull way out and since I haven’t been able to write this sober, drunk is clearly the way forward.

Here’s how the story goes.

I was feeling very guilty about not putting up more of a fight when I warned NTB about this girl he was into. I’m calling her Ms. Train-Wreck. I knew she was trouble but I just wanted him to be happy. Little did I know she’d turn out to be Mr. X in drag. So now NTB is where I was 2 years ago and I feel horrible about it.

Well I was busy feeling bad about that, Mr. X sideswiped me with the news he has a girlfriend. I’m not stupid, I’m aware we both date but we don’t normally tell each other about it. So the news shocked me. It was really odd though, I didn’t cry or turn to my BBF in these situations (a very large bottle of tequila), I just went for a long walk and that was it.

There was one unforeseen problem though; I haven’t been able to string two words together since. Hence the drunken blogging, well that and it’s international drink something green day. Mojito is my green weapon of choice.

I’ve spent the afternoon/evening watching rugby and drinking with a bunch of my guy friends and now I’m home drinking more Mojitos (only 5 or 6) in bed and watching my sex and the city box-set. And I’ll tell you what, it feels damn good to let lose.

Anyways back to the story, after my long walk I came home to find a message on my twitter account from the evil monkey. It was such a sweet message and very well timed I could help but smile.

Then just as I was crawling into bed I noticed I had a Facebook inbox message. Thinking it was my cousin I got up to check it out, it turned out to be a message from a guy I haven’t seen or really spoken to in 2 years. We never dated we just kind of lived in the gray area.

I’m a smart girl, I know what an inbox message means but I needed a picked me up after the sideswiping so I decided to hear his BS out. It was the normal “we should go out sometime”, “I always think about you”, “you’re gorgeous”. I know that’s all code for “I’m horny”. But I needed the boost and it’s not like I was going to sleep with the guy. It was just a pick me up. And pick me up it did.

It was also a much needed reminder that when one cock closes another one pops up :-)

Play safe guys, Love,

The Honest Bitch 

Sunday, 11 March 2012

Teddy Bear with Razorblades

I was chatting with NTB the other night and while he was catching me up on all his gossip he brought up a blog I wrote about how women want what they can’t have. He said if that’s true he’s screwed because he won’t play those games.

In his case I don’t think he should play those games. His strength and appeal is that he doesn’t do that stuff. He’s a straight shooting guy who won’t mess you around. There a lot of girls who would appreciate that. However there are a lot of girls who that kindness is wasted on and will take advantage of it. Luckily he’s a smart guy so I’m not overly worried about that. Although there is one girl I’d like to punch on his behalf. He just needs to patient and someone will come along for him. Someone who will see him as the teddy bear he is and not a doormat.

Mr. X on the other hand is a teddy bear full of razorblades, cute and cuddly but also sharp and deadly. But what he does so well and that I wish NTB would take note of is he plays to his strength. He knows he’s an ass but he owns it.

We were debating my sports knowledge last night, and by debating I mean he was ranting at me. After he said his piece I jokingly called him an ass and his comeback was “well I am Mr. X after all”.  There’s nothing you can say to that because he’s already owned it.

Don’t get me wrong he does show some NTB style flashes of sweetness but he likes to down play those. He knows his strengths and what works for him and he’s plays to it and if people don’t like it, I can’t be sure but I think he kills them.

I love NTB dearly, he a great friend but I wish he would take a little of Mr. X’s Oscar the grouch attitude and mould it into a firmer hand. Just a little hint of that don't fuck with me attitude would go a long way in keeping some chicks in check.

So my question to you is, if you’re a girl have you ever used or played a nice girl and if you’re a guy, have you ever been played by a girl?

As always stay safe, Love,

The Honest Bitch 

Thursday, 8 March 2012

Good Looking Boogeyman

A reader sent me a DM on twitter asking for my advice on how to get someone out of your head. My first thought when I read the message was “clearly they haven’t read my blog before.” I’ve been battling that exact problem with Mr. X for years.

I have made leaps and bounds in the matter but as recently as 2 nights ago he showed up in my thoughts. That’s kind of fucked up to be honest because I haven’t thought about him in months and without notice “boom” there he was. He’s like a good looking Boogeyman.

I don’t have any tips or solid advice on how to keep someone out of your head. What I do when I’m being plagued by a good looking Boogeyman is stay busy; when you’re busy you don’t have time to think about it. Also I stay off his Facebook page, Twitter and stay clear of Facebook chat. That seems to help. Like they say, out of sight, out of mind.

There is a Selena Gomez song, “Ghost of you” and that songs pretty much sums up the feelings of being hunted by a good looking Boogeyman. Near the end of the song there is this line “But for now there’s a reason that you’re still here in my heart.” And I think it’s important to realize that there is a reason this person is still in your head.

I’m not suggesting that means you’re meant to be together. It just means you have more to learn of the person. They may not be easy lessons to learn but there’s a old saying a painful lesson is a lesson rarely forgotten. And that’s true. Some of lives most important lesson are the painful ones.

Sometimes I find when dealing with someone who just won’t exist your mind the harder you fight it the worse it gets. In these situations my advice is be smart. You may find yourself playing with fire once in a while ( I know, I do) but just be smart enough to know you’re doing it.

I flirt with Mr. X once in awhile and I know its dangerous behaviour and I accept that. It’s like a chocolate bar you know it’s not healthy but sometimes you just have to have it. When you do give in to that melt in your mouth chocolate goodness my advice is get your fix quickly and get out. When you play with fire it’s only a matter of time before you get burnt. You have to accept that risk and pray when it happens it’s not a third degree burn. (Yet another painful lesson you won’t forget any time soon).

I guess the best advice I could give anyone is be realistic, fairytale endings only happen in chick flicks, don’t waste your time waiting for something that most likely will never happen. Don’t let that good looking Boogeyman control you. Just move on with your life and over time his grip on your mind will become less and less.

I’d love to hear your opinions on this. What do you do to get someone out of your head?

As always stay safe, Love,

The Honest Bitch

Sunday, 4 March 2012

The Honest Bitch Rants

My computer is being bombarded by ads for “Dettol No-Touch Hand Wash System”, and since it won’t leave me alone I feel the need to point something out.

It’s the stupidest product ever made!

And this is coming from a girl, who will willingly admit she has more than a few germaphobic tendencies.

In case this product hasn’t harassed you, the idea is it’ll dispense soap for you without you having to touch the “germy” soap bottle. I have two main problems with this

1. You’re about to wash your hands, so why does it even matter if you touch the bottle! 10 seconds later your hands will be under water washing all those little germs away.

2. By saying you shouldn’t touch the bottle in fear of germs killing you, aren’t they basically admitting their hand soap is shit.

Think about that for a second. Dettol sells hand soap which is the same soap that goes into their no-touch dispenser. If it’s not good enough to kill the few germs on the bottle how is going to kill the germs on my hands?

It hurts my head to think about how someone gave the okay to make this product and it hurts my head even more to think there are people out there buying this pointless piece of plastic at 6 times the price of Dettol’s normal hand soap.

That’s my rant on the matter and hopefully their stupid ad will leave me alone now. (It’s not going to happen I know.) I have to ask, are there any other completely pointless products on the market that irritate you?

As always my dears stay safe.


The Honest Bitch 

Thursday, 1 March 2012

I didn't know

Anyone who chooses to have a relationship with a blogger has to be a special type of person. Not just because every detail of your relationship is liable to be posted online, the good and the bad. But you can never use the line “I didn’t know.”

You’d think it would be easier for guys. Nobody is asking them to read between the lines like in many relationships, all they have to do is read.

Shame it never seems to work that way.

They either get whinny and bitchy about what you wrote, missing the whole point and demanding you take down the post “right this second”. Or they play dumb and say they didn’t know the post was about them.

Are you kidding me? How does a person read events that they experienced and not know it’s about them? That boggles my mind. There is no way on earth they can actually be that there?

Nothing infuriates me more than when a guy plays dumb. You may not give a shit and that’s fair enough but don’t insult my intelligence by playing dumb, I’m not buying it.

For that reason I give Mr. X a lot of credit. He may not have given a shit when I was upset but he always knew I was and why. He didn’t care but he never played dumb about it either. I respect that.

So I guess the question is do you play dumb and if so why? Or do you call it like you see it even if it might hurt someone’s feelings?

Stay safe guys, Love,

The Honest Bitch