As I sit here on my bed thinking about my reaction or lack of reaction to the whole Mr. X new love thing. It finally hit me, I could lay here and cried all I wanted, but he wouldn’t care, and that’s why I don’t.
I’ve spent so many years chasing the phantom, convincing myself I’ve put too much effort and time in to give up. I think by the end it became more about the thrill of the chase and the need to win more then wanting a relationship or anything like that.
Don’t get me wrong, there are things I genuinely love about him. His sense of honour, his wit, the fact his assholedom pushes me and motivates me to do my best. But let’s face fact...I’m not what he wants.
And.....I’m ok with that.
When I really think about it, he isn’t what I want either. I want someone who’ll take me as I am, someone who cares enough to spare my feelings, someone who will be there when I’m upset or hurt. I remember being in hospital, waking up after surgery in the recovery room and asking for him. But even then, deep down I knew he’d never be that guy.
The truly fucked up part of that story is I was deep into a relationship with Chicken Man at the time, who I also didn't see while I was in hospital but I digress.
After everything is said and done, I don’t regret anything and I can honestly say it hasn’t left me bitter. Some guys give you earth shaking orgasms and others just shake you to your core, changing you forever. Since I’m not the same girl I was all those years ago I can safely say he did that.
And as a parting gift he taught me one more very valuable lesson...
....You can’t win them all.
-The Honest Bitch