Monday 17 June 2013

Won't Justify Tequila

“You need to find out when X is getting married so we can plan ahead and make sure we have an ample tequila supply.”  - Nat

I understand where my dear friend is coming from by sending me the above message but do I really come across as a precious flower that is going to fall to pieces because a guy I may have, sort of, had some sort of feelings for once upon a time, is getting married?

I know my friends are coming from a good place but they make it sound like I should be on a suicide watch or I’m going to bust in the chapel to stop the wedding or something. Do people even do that? I mean if everyone got that upset over someone they once had feelings for getting married wouldn’t the world cease to function?

Don’t get me wrong, I have no plans on turning down free tequila but I’m fine and don’t feel like I should have to justify that.

Plus, everyone knows marriage isn’t forever lol

Anyways my dears, what was the last thing you felt you shouldn’t have to justify? Let me know in the comment box below and always stay and play safe.


The Honest Bitch 

Thursday 13 June 2013

My Pony Needs a Friend

Yesterday I was out to lunch with my step grandmother and mom, and since my step grandmother is hard of hearing and frankly, even after 13 years, still doesn’t understand my accent it’s always a very quiet affair. I don’t really mind though because it gives me a chance to indulge in my guilt pleasure of eavesdropping. And if you follow me on twitter (@TheHonestBitch) you’ll know yesterday I was sat next to a gem.

I knew I was in for a treat when the first thing she did was to sit down and take off her shoes and put her feet up on a chair. I was a little judgemental when she came in wearing a sweatshirt, white horseback riding leggings and pretentious girl up hair but the untying her shoes thing confirmed it for me.

As they were looking at their menus she told her dad “my pony needs a friend”. Her dad just sat there and said “oh really”, she then continued “yeah my pony is lonely and needs a friend; I just want an Arabian one.” He then asked her “how much do you think that will be” and drank a whole lot from his pint glass. I was just sat there trying not to laugh out loud.

She then moved on to needing £75 to get her hair cut, and then talking about school being over so she wanted to have a “small party”....only 75 of her closest friends. Then when their food arrived she said “oh and my pony’s friend needs a stable.” The dad’s response was “how much”. I would have personally just back handed her but I had good parents.

Then while I was enjoying my chocolate fudge cake she was talking to her Dad about the new car he was getting her. She asked what her budget was and he said “there isn’t one.” All I could think is “parenting you’re doing it wrong.”

But well done to the young lady who is on her way to becoming a world class gold digger; But after managing to land herself an Arabian pony, a stable, £75, a party for 75 of her closest friends and a car during the course of one meal; who can blame her.

What was the last thing that made you questions someone’s parenting style? Let me know in the comment box below and as always stay and play safe.

The Honest Bitch

Sunday 9 June 2013

Reasons to Kick Men in Their Junk

I was in bed the other night, struggling to keep my eyes open when my phone started ringing; that’s never a good sign, I am a text person. I looked at the phone and saw Hope’s name, then notice it was only 11 o’clock; I knew she had a date with her......I’m going to call him her boyfriend because it’s easier than trying to explain their actual relationship, so I was little worried why she was calling.

When I picked up all I could hear is her crying, knowing I had no hope of understanding a word of it over the phone I asked her if she was home, I assumed she said yes  (I really couldn’t understand a word she was saying) so I told her I’d be right over. Luckily she lives pretty close so I put on my dressing grown and pink fluffy slipper boots and walked around.

When I got there she was face down on the coach still crying, I sat on the edge of the couch and she didn’t react to me being there. I’ve said this many times but this is my friendship specialty so I know from experience that's a bad sign, normally people sit up, hug you and make your shoulder all wet. Luckily I have a trick to fix this, so I walked into her kitchen and took a bottle of wine (if you can call Lambrini wine) out of the fridge, sat down on the floor next to the couch, opened the bottle and offered it to her (this isn’t the time for glasses). She sat up and took the bottle from me.

After most of the bottle was gone, and most the tears stopped I asked her what happened.  She down the rest of the bottle, got up and got another one, came back and told me the story. Her and Platypus (he’s Australian and a mammal so why not) had gone out and after dinner they went for a drive, they parked somewhere quiet and one thing led to another and they didn’t have sex but to put it....hmmmm......a DNA handshake happened.

When all that was finished they were talking and he casually mentioned he was tired because the night before he had a date and that women didn’t leave his place until he left to pick up Hope. I’m not sure how but Hope kept her cool and told Platypus to drive her home. Once she got in she lost it and called me.

I then took the wine from her and had some myself, because sober isn’t the answer to that problem. We processed to get trashed and talk shit about Platypus. I then asked her how she managed not to kick him in the balls, after hearing that.  She said she was raised that there is never a valid reason to kick a man in his privates. I looked her in the eyes and said “honey, that's bullshit. And a guy being a dick to you while there are still remnants of his cum on your person is just ONE of the many valid reasons to kick a guy in his junk”.  We then continued to drink and crack jokes at Platypus’s expense until the wee hours of the morning, when she fell asleep and I walked home getting many strange looks for people walking their dogs.

So I have to ask; what other valid reasons can you think of to kick a man in his junk? Let me hear them in the comment box below. And as always stay and play safe.


The Honest Bitch 

Thursday 6 June 2013

Little Voice

People always say you should listen to that little voice in your head; the problem I have is that little voice in my head, is a bitch! And not just your average bitch she’s a super bitch, I actually call her Bitchany.

Take today for example; I received a phone call saying that I didn’t get the job I interviewed for yesterday because “the interviewer felt my answers, though good, could have been expanded upon more”. 

The little voice in my head wanted me to tell the man on the phone the interviewer is an idiot! The job was for a call centre, tracking the location of people’s packages; who in their right mind wants a long winded person on the other end of the phone when all they want to know is where their god damn package is?!? I made the choice to answer her questions in the most efficient way I could, making sure to give her the information she asked for but in a way that didn’t wastes anyone’s time, after all it’s not story time at the fucking library. I was being considerate, unlike those assholes that had me sit around 2 fucking hours in-between interviews. I was there almost 5 hours yesterday. I could have flown to Canada in that fucking time.

Of course, despite wanting to, I didn’t say any of that to the man on the phone, I may have a bitch in my head but I also have the world’s best flitter between it and my mouth so I just told him I understood and thanked him for taking the time to call me. Before hanging up he asked if he could pass my details on to some other employers because despite the fact “Jane” didn’t like me, he did and he thought there might be some other jobs I’d be perfect for.  So who knows maybe yesterday wasn’t a total waste after all.

Anyways moral of the story; people who make up sayings like “always listen to that little voice in your head” don’t have a clue what they’re talking about.........Oh and Jane from DHL is a fucking idiot.

What name have you given that little voice in your head, and what kind of personality does it have? Let me know in the comment box below and as always stay and play safe.


The Honest Bitch

Saturday 1 June 2013

Written Snapshot

I was having a conversation with the guy I declared dead a few blogs ago, that’s right he’s alive....or a zombie, either way I was having a conversation with Zombie Man and he said something intriguing. He said he enjoys reading my blogs because he likes learning what makes me tick. In that same conversation he also made a comment about me having some “strong points of view” and all that got me thinking about the random comments I get on blogs that I wrote years ago.

Now I’m not going to deny having a strong point of view, anyone who has read any of my blogs can tell you that, it’s a common blogger trait however like most bloggers those views change, sometimes over a long period of time with the input of new information or other time it just takes me pressing the publish button.   

A blog is like a written snapshot; what you read is that person's outlook at that exact second in their life. 10 seconds later everything may have changed. That doesn’t make what you’re reading any less valid, that’s just life. And I think it’s hard for a lot of readers to understand that.

And as a blogger it’s hard to find people that understand that. I will always take my imaginary hat off to Mr. X, I have called that man every name in the book and I think I even made up a few and he doesn’t react to it. He understands the blogging thing. That said, he should understand it because he’s also a blogger.

I find it tedious to deal with comments on blogs that are years old because I’m no longer in that mind space, and in some cases I just don’t care anymore, I obviously cared at some point however now I’m older, wiser (maybe) and those topics, worries and thoughts have been replaced with new ones that are more recent in memory.

As for Zombie Man I am sure there is a lot to be learned about me from my blog, however how much of it is still valid and makes sense outside my crazy head is up for debate.

Let me leave you with this question, is it possible to find that “snapshot” understanding with someone who isn’t a blogger? Let me know in the comment box below and as always stay and play safe.


The Honest Bitch