Part of being a blogger is self-reflection and understanding. After a while (I've been doing this over well over years) you start to be able to almost psychoanalysis yourself, and to be honest, that sucks. My head is spinning and has been spinning since my date with Barrie, actually it's been spinning since halfway through my date. Where most girls would just blame the guy and put how she feels onto him. I can't do that, I know better. Yes, had things happened slightly differently, I likely wouldn’t be in this head space now. But I didn’t verbalise my needs and that’s on me. Guys, much as we hate to admit it, aren’t psychic and we shouldn’t expect them to be.
The issue is he knocks my confidence, not on propose. He’s just
out of my league and I know it. So, sometimes I need a little reassurance, a reminder
that I’m worthy or special enough for what my brain believes to be too good for.
That night, on the date; I needed something. A firm hug, a hand hold, a hand on
the leg, just something and I didn’t get it. And because it never came, my
brain made me feel less. I was questioning why he was there, why he speaks to
me, if this was it. In the end, I'd catch myself fidgeting, trying to distract
myself from thinking, from worrying. I’ll be honest, I don’t remember any of
the drive home. I could quite my brain, at all. Once again, this is all on me.
This boils down to a confidence issue and not feeling worthy. Which, for the
record, sucks to say out loud.
When I got home, and to my surprise, he was still messaging
me. I was still looking for that reassurance, and shockingly, since I didn't ask
for it, and as we established men are psychic, it never came. Yes, once again,
I could try to place it on him. He could have played things differently and
maybe I'd feel better. But how is he to know any of this going on in my head? We
have a playful, banter filled relationship. He’s just being him. I am the one
that’s off.
He's not to know, what damage is left for previous relationships. Nobody talks about that shit. Nobody goes, here’s my list of faults and quirks. Due to the whole Mr. X thing, I handle the gray area of dating before a commitment and exclusivity horribly. And who can blame me? The guy I was in love with and who claimed to have felt the same way got married while we were in this stage. That, my friends, fucking stings. That said, I'm lucky. Most people are damaged in relationships. I am not. I have no unhealed scars there. Relationships are a breeze, I'm chilled. It’s getting there that turns me crazy and once again I'm painfully aware of why that is. It’s like I am the most sane crazy person ever.
Tonight, Barrie has gone out for drinks. I said harmlessly when
I found out "have fun, just not too much fun." He responded back with
"is there such a thing?". This hasn't helped my brain any. And it’s
pissing me off, because I know in a relationship that sentence wouldn't have
phased me at all. But in this stage, I'm writing a blog at work because I need
the logical side of my brain to kick in. I have zero right to feel any way
about anything he is or isn't doing. Yet, I'm positive he’s on a date. And I’m positive
given the hour, he's fucking some girl right now. And clearly this makes me
feel things. The stupid thing is I know had he said, "you have nothing to
worry about." as a response instead, I wouldn’t even have given it a
second thought. Again... this is a me thing. Like I said, I have no right to
feel any way. He is not my boyfriend, we are not exclusive, he owns be no loyalty
nor explanation. This boils back to me feeling like he's too good for me and
questioning why anyone would want me let alone someone on his level. That’s a
me problem.
Knowing this stuff sucks. Rather than lashing out, which
might make me feel better. I have to look within and just deal with it and try
to grow. I am a large part of the issue, it’s on me. I am responsible for how I
react. No one else.
Anyway, I am off to wonder if the imaginary or non-imaginary
girl is better in bed than me (I'm actually laughing about this now. It’s so
silly... bet she's more in practice than me.) Have any of you felt like
this? Let me know your stories in the
comments below. As always my dears, stay and play safe.
Love,
The Honest Bitch
xoxo
