Nothing Goes to Plan

I am sure you’ve noticed I have back dated a few blogs in an attempt to catch you up on all the gossip. This post will be the details on all my dates with Hugh so far. I am writing this the morning after our 4^th date just to give you a little perspective.

Date 1: Drinks

This date was lovely when it finally got started, we went for drinks, followed by a lovely walk. And he kissed me on a bridge overlooking the water. He, however, did showed up 40 minutes late to it. Partly my fault, he was trying to calm down my nerves.

After Date 1:

I got put into quarantine after my step dad and the mom tested positive for COVID-19. Hugh and I continued talking and planning a date for my “Freedom Day”.

Right before our second date he sent me a message raising some concerns and double checking I was ok with us not having a relationship and just dating… no commitment. I responded back by telling him I was. He was clear from the start on what his wishes were.

Date 2: Pumpkins?

The second date was on my Freedom Day. The plan was to go around his to carve pumpkins. I got there, he started pushing my comfort level quickly. We know I am not body confident and his hands were everywhere. Let me say, it wasn’t distressful in anyway, it was just the vibe. But it was a lot…. Good though. The pumpkins didn’t happen, but other things did.

This was a little overshadowed by mom, who was in hospital at this point. I ended up freaking out in the middle of the night and crying on. Just what you want on a date. 

Date 3: Pumpkins

To change things up, he decided to come over and we’d carve those pumpkins at last. I was stressed about this date. Things between us were very easy, we have a lot in common, we’re able to laugh and joke. I love how things flow and just feel natural. And with everything going on I didn’t want that to change or be affected.

This date both sucked and was awesome. Early in the evening we got the news my mother passed away. I felt bad for Hugh it’s a strange place to put but he handled it well. And luckily for me that comfort held because I am positive, I would have fallen apart without him there. He gave me a reason to hold it together if that makes sense.  We went on with our evening and carved the pumpkins and watched a film.

I made a mistake that night and asked about other girls and he was honest and told me there were 4 and he had a date with another that upcoming Sunday. I thought as much, but it stung a little. I knew the score and I was happy with it, but…. She had a date, and I was struggling to get another lined up. 

Date 4: Jealous

At some point I gave in an admitted to Hugh, I was jealous. I should have been playing by fuck friend rules, but those can lead to trust issues and I like how easy things are with us, I don’t want to question everything he says. I am comfortable with him. I am actually starting to feel good about his hands on me. His response was to come over. And I am glad he did. After a few minutes of awkwardness. I settled into a nice place. We have a spark, and it was fun to explore that. And while I know he’s not after anything serious, right now this is fun, and I could use some fun. I trust him enough to not worry and to have my walls down, but I don’t feel completely vulnerable. Despite being a bit of playboy he’s a good guy.

Unless he calls things off with me today and which case, he’s a…

Anyways, that’s you guys all up to date now. As always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxo

Enable GingerCannot connect to Ginger Check your internet connection
or reload the browserDisable in this text fieldEditEdit in GingerEdit in Ginger×Enable GingerCannot connect to Ginger Check your internet connection
or reload the browserDisable in this text fieldEditEdit in GingerEdit in Ginger×

My Head Is Spinning

Part of being a blogger is self-reflection and understanding. After a while (I've been doing this over well over years) you start to be able to almost psychoanalysis yourself, and to be honest, that sucks. My head is spinning and has been spinning since my date with Barrie, actually it's been spinning since halfway through my date. Where most girls would just blame the guy and put how she feels onto him. I can't do that, I know better. Yes, had things happened slightly differently, I likely wouldn’t be in this head space now. But I didn’t verbalise my needs and that’s on me. Guys, much as we hate to admit it, aren’t psychic and we shouldn’t expect them to be.

The issue is he knocks my confidence, not on propose. He’s just out of my league and I know it. So, sometimes I need a little reassurance, a reminder that I’m worthy or special enough for what my brain believes to be too good for. That night, on the date; I needed something. A firm hug, a hand hold, a hand on the leg, just something and I didn’t get it. And because it never came, my brain made me feel less. I was questioning why he was there, why he speaks to me, if this was it. In the end, I'd catch myself fidgeting, trying to distract myself from thinking, from worrying. I’ll be honest, I don’t remember any of the drive home. I could quite my brain, at all. Once again, this is all on me. This boils down to a confidence issue and not feeling worthy. Which, for the record, sucks to say out loud.

When I got home, and to my surprise, he was still messaging me. I was still looking for that reassurance, and shockingly, since I didn't ask for it, and as we established men are psychic, it never came. Yes, once again, I could try to place it on him. He could have played things differently and maybe I'd feel better. But how is he to know any of this going on in my head? We have a playful, banter filled relationship. He’s just being him. I am the one that’s off.

He's not to know, what damage is left for previous relationships. Nobody talks about that shit. Nobody goes, here’s my list of faults and quirks. Due to the whole Mr. X thing, I handle the gray area of dating before a commitment and exclusivity horribly. And who can blame me?  The guy I was in love with and who claimed to have felt the same way got married while we were in this stage. That, my friends, fucking stings. That said, I'm lucky. Most people are damaged in relationships. I am not. I have no unhealed scars there. Relationships are a breeze, I'm chilled. It’s getting there that turns me crazy and once again I'm painfully aware of why that is. It’s like I am the most sane crazy person ever.

Tonight, Barrie has gone out for drinks. I said harmlessly when I found out "have fun, just not too much fun." He responded back with "is there such a thing?". This hasn't helped my brain any. And it’s pissing me off, because I know in a relationship that sentence wouldn't have phased me at all. But in this stage, I'm writing a blog at work because I need the logical side of my brain to kick in. I have zero right to feel any way about anything he is or isn't doing. Yet, I'm positive he’s on a date. And I’m positive given the hour, he's fucking some girl right now. And clearly this makes me feel things. The stupid thing is I know had he said, "you have nothing to worry about." as a response instead, I wouldn’t even have given it a second thought. Again... this is a me thing. Like I said, I have no right to feel any way. He is not my boyfriend, we are not exclusive, he owns be no loyalty nor explanation. This boils back to me feeling like he's too good for me and questioning why anyone would want me let alone someone on his level. That’s a me problem.

Knowing this stuff sucks. Rather than lashing out, which might make me feel better. I have to look within and just deal with it and try to grow. I am a large part of the issue, it’s on me. I am responsible for how I react. No one else.

Anyway, I am off to wonder if the imaginary or non-imaginary girl is better in bed than me (I'm actually laughing about this now. It’s so silly... bet she's more in practice than me.) Have any of you felt like this?  Let me know your stories in the comments below. As always my dears, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxo

Enable GingerCannot connect to Ginger Check your internet connection
or reload the browserDisable in this text fieldEditEdit in GingerEdit in Ginger×

Freaking Out

 

I am trying hard to keep my crazy at bay, but I am freaking out. And not just a little bit, but a whole bunch of crazy freaking-outness is boiling not even underneath the surface at the point. It’s peaking out and I am playing whack-a-mole with it.

Let me explain; I have a date with Barrie coming up, Sunday 23^rd to be exact. Putting aside that fact, I wasn’t expecting a date for our second date to be set yet, it kind of came out of the blue. The idea of this date has me nervous. The whole thing is atypical and has me on edge.

This isn’t a typical second date, we’ve been talking for almost 4 months. Which makes it weird timing to be having a second date. We’re comfortable with each other, we know a lot about each other and about each other’s routines, but we don’t know each other habits. We’re not where we should be, but we’re not where a typical second date would be either.

The other thing making this date feel more, something, is the fact we’ve booked a hotel. Which being 4 months into a “relationship” makes sense and is perfectly normal. However, we’re only at date number 2. With us being at a hotel, sex is the expectation or at least it feels like it is. And that’s nerve-racking. This is one place I prefer to go with the flow, it’s actually the only place I prefer that.

I am nervous about this date. Like when the hotel was booked, frozen in fear scared. I know it’ll be ok. And I am sure, like last time within minutes I’ll be at easy. That said, right now I am freaking out.

Anyways, I am off to chill out before I had back at work tomorrow. Before I go I will leave you with this question; Do you find 2^nd dates more stressful than first dates? Let me know in the comments below and as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxo 

Enable GingerCannot connect to Ginger Check your internet connection
or reload the browserDisable in this text fieldEditEdit in GingerEdit in Ginger×

Lets Get Drunk

It’s been a long time since we’ve done a drunken blog and I figure it’s about time we do it again. Allow me to give the normal disclaimer: This post will be written and edited drunk. Once I have sobered up, this post will not be touched again. I will of course respond to comment and all that goodness, but there will be no editing to what has been written. Now that that’s been said; Let’s drink.

This drunken post is going to be about Steve. Steve is, of course, the gentleman with the pregnant wife, I’ve been swapping inappropriate messages with for the past month. Once again, I am fully aware I am going to hell. I am good with it.

Steve was meant to be safe; he is after all a married man. Workplace flirting, as a rule, is a great confidence booster. And I’ll admit it, after everything, I needed it.  Not that I was lacking confidence but, the best way I can describe it is, I have confidence, but it’s lacking self-assurance. It’s a fragile confidence if you will. I’m not 100% happy with the way I look at the minute and I’m not totally happy with me, as a whole either, so bare that in mind as this story goes onwards.

Last night, I was swapping inappropriate messages with Steve, trying to get, for lack of a better word, a rise out of him, when he got a rise out of me. I had just sent him a picture that I wasn’t comfortable with, but I knew he’d like. And, instead of a normal response. He fired back asking for a different picture, one my insecurity wouldn’t allow. And then he wouldn’t drop it, he was like a dog with a boner. I didn’t mind so much he asked, but the pressure was unneeded, and I didn’t like it.

Considering he was meant to be a safe option, it didn’t feel safe. It didn’t feel good, It felt like I was a teen dating a prick and I am far too old to be dealing with that shit. And then, of course, he got an attitude with me because I was upset. Like I’m the bad guy in this. I know a lot of it is my own issues. Which is why I didn't debate any of this with him at the time, but still dude don't be a selfish horn dog.

Anyways, my tequila is not holding its buzz so I am going to end this here. But before I do, I have this question for you; What do you do when you’re pushed outside your comfort zone? Shut down? Yell? Let me know in the comments below and as always, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxo

Let’s Talk About Sex.

Let’s talk about sex. Let’s talk about… well me. As I assume most of you know my sex life is pretty much an open book and has been for many years, from blogs, articles, sex toy testing to pod casts, most of my sex life is out there in some shape or form. Because of this, I sometimes forget other people have hang ups regarding the topic.

I was having a perfectly ok conversation regarding sexual pasts and I casually mention a 3some I had in my late teens. Boy, did the conversation shift. Anyone would have thought I said I was into humping taxidermy or something messed up like that. And most of it was because it was my “boyfriend” and I wasn’t the guess star.

I will say, if you are going to have a 3some be the guest star, it’s way more fun, but, why the hell not give it a try. If all parties are safe, there is no real harm to be done. The guy who I was talking to about this with was trying to make the point or wrap his head around “how could you watch your partner screw someone else.” And I can understand the thought there. However, in my case, there were no feelings there. That’s why we worked. Hell, we were fuck friends for 6 or 7 years. I still see him about this day and we’ll have a drink. There were never any romantic feeling there, which made things easier for sure. It was purely lust, and for the record it was fun. But I don’t see any issue if there were feelings. However, that boils down to a relationship’s dynamic and surely if you knew it was likely to be a problem. You just won’t do it.

Anyways, what are your thoughts on 3somes and where do you draw the line sexually? Let me know your thoughts in the comments below. And as always, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxo

Bad Life Choices

Am I the only one who finds themselves occasionally doing things that they know are a bad idea?

It seems every few years, my brain enters a fuck it mode where it understands what it’s thinking is a horrible idea but rationalizes it with “why not? It’s a little bit of fun and if it all goes wrong, is it really going to make things that much worse?” And for whatever reason, sooner or later the rest of me buys that rational and goes along for the ride. And shock horror it pretty much always ends badly.

I think the last time my brain entered that mode was when I agreed to go out with that guy I was telling you about in my “Past Rumour” post. I knew it was horror idea, even though he had left, we had a lot of friends in common and I just knew it wasn’t smart. But, I thought “what’s the worse that is going to happen”, and now ex co-workers know initiate details about my sex life.

The problem I’m having is my brain is in the middle of one of those fuck it cycles right now, and I feel like it’s only a matter of time before I give in and I’m left to clean up the pieces afterwards. Despite knowing full well this is a horrible, stupid, foolish idea that can only end badly.

I bet you want to know what the bad idea is, don’t you?

After radio silence for almost 2 months TPF (The Penis Flasher) messaged me the other day while I was at work. In a fairness, I didn’t really mind, when his mind isn’t on his penis he’s easy to talk to and we have a bit of a laugh. The problem is his mind doesn’t stay off his penis for long and this was no exception.

The shorten version of events is he wanted to meet up at 06:30 after I finished work but before he started for “have some fun”. Now crazy brain or not, this wasn’t happening and I’ll explain why.

Let’s start with the fact I’m not the easy, I take a little wooing…or at least a few drinks. I’m not about to meet up with anyone in broad day and just fuck them, that isn’t my style.

Now let’s talk about the time frame. This is a guy I haven’t kissed, haven’t touched, haven’t spent any time with outside of work, and he’s allocated a 30 minute window at best…I don’t want to sleep with anybody whose start to finish is 30 minutes or less, I’m after an orgasm not a pizza.

With that said, at some point I predict I will give in and the "fuck it" side of my brain will win and I’ll tell you why. There is definitely no relationship to be had there, so in a way makes it’s safe. I won’t be working at the same location as him soon so if things go bad, I don’t have to see him. And as much as my brain knows better, he makes me laugh and we all know funny guys have a habit of clouding my better judgement.

That said, he breaks one of my golden rules of safe sex, which we know is condoms, birth control and a reasonable chance the guy I'm sleeping with is shooting blanks. TPF has a kid, which by all rights should disqualify him, but given how bad an idea this is, hell what’s an another one.

Anyways, I am going to go and get drunk because clearly sober me is making bad life choices and at least if I’m drunk I can’t drive making it much harder to act on those choices. But before I go I have this question for you; why do we do thing that we know will end badly? Let me know in the comment box below. And as always, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxo

Past Rumour

Two new starters at work have had me on edge recently. They use to work with me 3 years ago at not my last job, but the one before. I have no issue with them themselves, what I do have a problem with is the gossip they may possess.

If you remember about a year ago, I was texted in the middle of the night with the news there was a rumour going around my old job about me. To be precise, there were two contradictory rumors going around about me  

It didn’t bother me too much at the time, yes I was pissed off, but at the end of the day I didn’t work with any of them anymore, so what did I care what they were saying. Plus in my head, I knew the negative rumour was bullshit, the man was mathematically outnumbered at the end of the day.

Let’s get to the rumour because I know you’re dying for the gossip. I don’t know if you remember, creepy dirty talk/ baby talk guy? I don’t actually remember what I called him in the blog, well, he somehow ended up working for my previous employer and he ended up going into detail with the girls in the office about what happened sexually between us. He basic called me bad lay. CM, in my defense told creepy guy, he must have been the problem because I was the best fuck he’s ever had. So you can imagine…. People started talking.

For the record, the sex between me and creepy was god awful. He made me super uncomfortable. I’m not sure dirty talk in a creepy voice does it for any girl, but seeing as I don’t like dirty talk anyways, the whole thing was just bad.  

Which is a life lesson for any guy reading this; make sure your girl feels comfortable and you’ll get much better sex out of the deal.

Now, let’s straighten something out here, because as you know my reputation is everything to me, and that’s why these two new starters have me worried. I don’t want people to get the wrong idea about me. I didn’t sleep with/date any of these guys while we worked together. I dated creepy 5 months after he left my last employer. I dated CM 3 months after I left the company we worked together at and the mathematical tie breaker I slept with over a year after I left the company.

So there was a 3^rd guy, Mr. Tiebreaker, however, he was a one time deal and he understands privacy so kept his damn mouth shut in all this. That said, he did say I was a good lay at the time. Which was surprising because everything up to the sex was great, but…. He was huge…. That’s why it was a one time thing. I wanted no part of that thing again, but that’s a story for another day. But knowing what he had said did give me the confidence at the time to let the rumour slide. I knew creepy was just bitter.

The problem is I knew he was bitter, but nobody else does. And knowing how drivers gossip….I’m worried. I don’t need to be labelled anything, let alone a whore or a slut or a bad fuck or a great fuck… which is almost worse.

It just goes to prove you need to be careful who you sleep with, because your sexual history will come back to bite you sooner or later. But I guess if a rumour is my only problem, I’m doing pretty well. I suppose, that brings us to the question of the blog; what was the last rumour you heard about yourself? Let me know in the comment box below. And as always, stay and play safe…… and by safe I mean, wear a condom and don’t make babies!

Love you guys,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxoxo

And Then My Brain Exploded

Over the years, I’ve gotten used to being told I’m closed off and impossible to read, I’ve never understood it, I’ve never felt I am but when you’re told something often enough, over time you begin to believe it. It was just 3 weeks ago, this was brought up again when the Penis Flasher said I was impossible to read.  

Now, I have a different problem, I have a guy on my hands that can read me like a goddamn book and it’s making long for the days when I could have a thought and have it just be mine. I’m sure this has it has benefits, but, I can’t seem to get away with fuck all. I am actually debating playing a character for 12 hours a night, but that’s very draining and even then I can’t guarantee he wouldn’t see straight through it.

I posted my last blog Saturday morning after work, Larry and I were messaging; after he read it he sent me this message.

“You know I can read you like a book, right .......Not random thoughts at all, either lol”

Now this intrigued me, I mean I know he can pick up when I’m mad and upset, but I’m pretty sure his superpowers shouldn’t stretch to me wanting to grab someone and kiss them in an attempt to shut them up. So I asked the question, “What did you pick up on this time?”

He quickly replied back with “Do you want the honest answer of what I read this time?”

I, of course, said yes, I want an honest answer, because between you and me, I can’t end this open book nonsense when I don’t know what he’s picking up on.

He then wrote an essay that took a minute off my life for every second he took him to write it.

The essay was as follows:

“Ok. From the looks of annoyance and frustration about the debate, to the looks and the urge to grab me (as you said). The "playful" trying to stop me from banging my feet and the "secret" glances at my crotch. What I saw last night was pretty much the same for most the night. I'm fairly certain that if I had of grabbed you, kissed you and bent you over the desk, then you wouldn't have stopped me .... In fact, I would have put money on you wanting, nay, aching for that to happen at one point.

But, hey, what do I know .... I'm only a guy ..... ;-)”

At which point my brain exploded and the only thing fell out of my mouth and down to my fingers was “I hate you”. And I told him that. Once the little men that live in my head started putting the pieces back together, I did realize I disagree with some of that. But I’ll get into that afterwards. After I told him I hated him and that I disagreed with at least one of his points, he came back with.

“I know.

 I can't be right all the time, but the bending you over the desk part was thrown in there to "test the waters" and let me see your reaction, which I now know for sure and will help me read you more ;-)

Yes, I know, you REALLY fucking hate me .....

Your phone hasn't done anything to you, so stop saying FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKK at it ....”

Ok, ladies and gentlemen, let’s talk and break all this goodness down because I have a lot to say and I’m dreading editing this already.

1. The playful, trying to stop him tapping his foot - This was unrelated, at least in my head. I’ve been on a mission to get more comfortable with him so things feel more natural. Because right now normal things like touching his arm or his leg to get his attention feel wrong. And since I decided not go sit on the top desk anymore, I was having to find other ways to push myself. I can see how this could be taken for flirty but that wasn't my intent.

2. Looking at his crotch – I believe this to be utter nonsense, so, moving on.

3. The “testing the waters” comment – He literally could have read me on that one, it’s in print! I believe it was my Q&A post where I said if he tried to kiss me, I wouldn’t say no. As for the bending me over the desk comment well, I hadn’t really thought about it, but I might now.

4. Why is he testing the waters? And adding to that, I need not to be read any better…. It’s already pretty damn creepy.

5.  What does he know for sure? Because I know nothing for sure. Someone want to tell me what’s for sure? I’m lost.

And finally 6. I didn’t yell “fuck” at my phone and I’ll explain why. I was once told by an elder “knowledge has both the power to help us grow and destroy us; be careful what knowledge you seek.” And that has stuck with me. So before I ask a question I ask myself will the answer hurt me more then it helps me. If I believe it’ll help me more, I ask the question, at which point I have to accept the answer knowing it’ll help me in the long run.

Ok, I guess I didn’t have as much to say as I feared. But I think I’m still rebuilding my brain, but luckily I have almost a whole week off work now to recover and try to figure out what the heck just happened.

I may also have to take a few acting classes during the week to try and make myself a more difficult read because nobody should be able to tell that amount of detail about anyone, especially someone who has been dumped more than once for “being closed off”. I feel like I’ve gone from being War and Peace to Dr. Seuss.

Anyways, my dears, I am going to go and try and edit this mess, and probably rewrite it 12 times. But before I go I better leave you with a question; what was the last thing that caused your brain to explode? Let me know in the comment box below, and as always, stay, and play, safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxoxo

Random Thought

Last night confirmed just how random my brain truly is. I was at work last debating the “evils” of makeup when I was getting slightly fucked off, with the lack of give and take in the debate. In my frustration, my brain went to the strangest place ever.

The thought in my head, I kid you not was; “I wish I was dating him so I could fuck him and shut him up”. I’m sure that’s not normal! But I’m a night shift worker so normal isn’t really my specialty.

I was sitting there thinking, he must get laid all the time when he’s dating someone, because even I had that grab him by the face, kiss him and shut him the fuck up urge. And I’m mad at him.

Now, let it be said, I’m a fan of angry sex anyways. That is how my fights end up.  Call me strange, but I’d rather fuck my partner stupid then get arrested for punching him stupid. It’s just common sense to me.

I’ve also, over the years, had more than one fuckfriend I couldn’t stand being around so I might just be weird. Out the bedroom wanted them dead, in the bedroom some of the best sex I’ve ever had. And a fantastic stress reliever too, I might add.

I’m just failing to understand my brain right now, I’d understand with these thoughts were based on some form of sexual desire but they’re not. They are purely based in a “this man needs to stop talking now” desire.

I’m not really sure where the logic is there, surely there are better ways to shut him. I’d suggest shoving his head in my boobs, but he’s not a boob man so that would be lost on him. I could duct tape his mouth, but he’d talk right through that. OK, I can’t think of any better ways…. But I’m sure there are some.

I think that is going to be your question of the blog; what is a better way to shut Larry up? Let me know in the comment box below. I am going to go and debate whether sex is every truly a solution. So as always my dears, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxo