Friday, 14 July 2017

Could It Be Done?

So, after last week’s post, I got chatting with the gay husband about the trip and I mention to him I had a bad feeling about the whole thing when I got up to Manchester. He commented I should have ditched her there and gone without her.   I said to him the only other people I know in that direction is my boss and Mr. X. This led to an interesting conservation on whether I could go away with Mr. X and keep things platonic or not.

I may be crazy for saying this, but I think it is doable. Our relationship was built more on friendship and talking than the physical so I can’t see it being that hard.

Yes, the hotel was 5 star, and something about it did scream romance, however the room had 2 single beds and was the whole weekend was planned in a way that there wasn’t a lot of down time therefore not a lot of temptation.  I honestly believe, it wouldn’t have been a problem.

The gay husband on the other hand, disagrees, however, thinks I should have done it anyways, but that’s because he has a theory that I won’t go into on this post because that craziness needs more words than I can give it here.

Anyways, what do you think? Could we have made it a whole weekend without crossing any lines? Let me know your thoughts in the comments below and as always stay and play safe.


The Honest Bitch 

Friday, 7 July 2017

Be Careful Who You Holiday With

Overall, my trip to London last week was wonderful; The hotel was stunning, the Book of Mormon was spectacular and Canada Day was a drunken street party and I couldn’t have asked for more. That said there was one little flaw with experience, and that was the person I went with.

I love my work wife to bits but, holy bananas we holiday differently. And that’s probably the best way to put it, we don’t holiday in the same way. And because of that I got cranky, and she’ll say without a doubt, she believes the issue was with me because I wasn’t going to start a fight and just bit my tongue, however cause and effect come to mind.

There were 3 main differences; how slept, how ate, and how we spent our free time…. Which is basically everything in the grand scheme of things.

Let start with how we slept; she is basically a toddler. She needs at least 1 nap, if not two a day and these last from 2 – 4 hours and if she doesn’t get them she becomes unbearable. I on the other hand, sleep at night… like an adult.

How we like to eat is up next. I like to explore when I’m somewhere new. Find hidden gems and try new food, eat things I can’t get at home. She on the other hand, likes fast food and sees no other options.

Last up, how we spend our free time; I like to spend as little time as possible in the room. I’m somewhere different I want to explore, shop and do things. She on the other hand is very content in the room and doesn't like to leave it. Being in the room drivers me crazy.

These are the 3 main issues; there were others, like she doesn’t tip and she comes across borderline rude when dealing with people… and the list goes on but those 3 bugged me the most.

I can hear you now asking how I had a good time, despite these little issues… I ditched her. After the shit show that was there first night; dragging her up from a nap and them dragging to a show she didn’t want to go to, but really enjoyed once I got her there. Then going to Macdonald’s for dinner…. I learned my lesson. My fun was up to me.

So, when she “needed” her nap on Canada Day I went back to the square alone. Made some new friends, met up with some old ones and partied like a Canadian and I had an awesome time doing so.

The trip back was a nightmare, but, that’s a story for another time. Anyways, I am back at work tomorrow, so I need to get my shit together. But before I go I have this question for you; what is your idea of the perfect holiday? Let me know if the comments below. And as always, stay and play safe.


The Honest Bitch 

Friday, 30 June 2017

Is This It?

Despite the fact I enjoy being single and the easiness that comes with it. Over recent days, I’ve been starting to wonder; Is this it?

I’m 30 years old now; I always pictured myself getting married and having kids but, in realistic terms, time is running out and it’s not like there is anything on the horizon either. I’m starting to wonder if marriage and kids just aren’t on the cards for me.

With all these thoughts in my head, my brain drifts to those things you hear in passing, like everyone only gets two great loves in their lifetime. I’ve been aware for years if that’s true, I’m fucked. My two have long come and gone. And with that knowledge once and a while, I wondered to myself did I blow my chance?

If you’ve been here a while, my two great loves won’t be a surprise to you. Of course, you have Mr. X who I won’t go into, I have plenty of posts on this site that’ll explain that whole mess. Then you have Chicken Man, who has been on my mind a lot lately.

Chicken Man is unquestionably my other “great love”, that man completely shook me to my core and did nothing but change me for the better. Where Mr. X tore me down. Chicken Man built me up. He entered my life at just the right time and was exactly what I needed. However, due to him traveling for work and things like that, the relationship just faded out over time. However; when I think back on it, I can’t help but wonder what if?

Anyways; enough of that, I need to go and pack for my holiday. When you’re reading this, I will be on my way to London to celebrate Canada’s 150th Birthday and I can’t wait. But, before I go, I have this question for you; Do you believe we only get two great loves? Let me know your thoughts in the comments below and as always. Stay, and play safe.


The Honest Bitch 

Friday, 23 June 2017

Nothing To Write About

I’m sitting outside in what may be my perfect setting. The sun is shining, the flowers are in full bloom and it’s warm but not uncomfortable… at least not yet. The setting is perfectyet I have nothing to write about.

I guess, given the past month, having nothing to write about is sort of a good thing. It's giving me a chance to catch my breath and both figuratively and literally stop and smell the flowers. I’m proactively unwinding this 4 off and for the first time in about a mouth I’m angry. And it’s nice.

All this is aided by the fact work was less horrid last week, and by the fact Mr. X appears to have gone AWOL. It’s almost as if the world has decided, “hey, let’s not suck so hard this week.” That said I am now being harassed by a bee so…. May they’re still some work to do.

Anyways, I am going to go and get some wine… because that’s how you get bees to leave you alone, right? But before I go, I have this question for you; What is your happy place? Let me know in the comments below and as always stay and play safe.


The Honest Bitch 

Friday, 16 June 2017

He Made It

While my work life may be going hell, at least it appears Mr. X managed to keep his shit together for the month of May. I almost feel like I should send him flowers or something. And a card that reads “Congrats on making it a whole month without being a horrible human being… let’s try for two.”

That is the scary part now, knowing the peace won’t last, because, well, history strongly indicates it won’t.  It feels kind of like a ticking bomb but, only less fun.

So let’s make this fun…

Place your bets now, ladies and gentlemen, when do you think Mr. X will next horrify?

My money is on the beginning of July while I’m on holiday, because that’s just the sort faith I have in him.

Let me know your predictions in the comments below. And while you’re doing that, I’m going to go celebrate having a post scheduled for the right day for a change. Who knew that could happen? Anyways, as always, my dears, stay and play safe.


The Honest Bitch  

Tuesday, 13 June 2017

I am Not Alright

I touched on how I was feeling unhappy at work in my last post, and that hasn’t gotten any better, in actual fact, it’s gotten worse.

I finished my last shift Saturday, and I won’t go into what happened, but the result was me being in a borderline murderous rage from before my shift even started, onwards. It’s not now Tuesday, 4 days later, and I am still pissed off.

This isn’t ok. My job should not be having this sort of effect on me. I wear a Fitbit and you can actually see the physical effect in my stats. My resting heart rate is over 7 beats higher than normal and my sleep is all over the place, I’m getting next to no REM or deep sleep. This is undeniably not a healthy situation and is taking a toll.

The worst part is, the normal things I do to try and relax and calm myself aren’t working because I can’t stay focused. I’m so not right at the minute, my brain can’t seem to reel itself back in. I can’t get stuck into a video game, one of my favorite ways to quiet my brain; I get 5 minutes in and I’m done. I can’t read a book; 2 lines in and my mind is off somewhere else. I can’t blog; I sit and the computer and the idea of writing is just too much.

I’m debating my next step. Part of me thinks I should get myself signed off work, because I’m not functioning. The other part of me thinks that’s a sign of weakness and I only have to make it 8 more shifts and I’m on holiday anyways. 2 more weeks, that’s all. The question is will I make it that long…. And that really is the question.

Anyways, I am going to go and try to get something done, but will probably just end-up taking a nap. But before I go I have this question for you; How do you refocus your mind? Let me know in the comments below and as always stay and play safe.

The Honest Bitch

Monday, 5 June 2017

It's June

So, apparently its June; I don’t know when that happened, but the calendar seems to think did. Where is this year going? Don’t get me wrong, my work weeks feel never ended, but those magical 4 days off in-between are flying.

And because of that feeling I’m taking a hard look at my current situation. I am starting to feel like it may be time to move on. All jobs have high and low swings, that’s just life, but when you start spending now time at the bottom than at the top of the swing, it’s properly best for all concerned to move on.  

I’m not really sure what my plan is at the minute. I just know something needs to change. I am starting to have that I’d rather run my car off the road, then go to work feeling and that can’t be normal.

Anyways, I am going to go and drink because we all know drinking makes everything better. But before I do, I have this question for you; How do you know when it’s time to find a new job? Let me know in the comments below and as always stay and play safe.


The Honest Bitch 

Monday, 29 May 2017

So I'm 30

So I am 30 and I still clearly don't have my shit together. I am writing this and posting this 4 days after it should have gone live and it doesn't end there. I have not touched my Facebook, Twitter, worked out or done anything I should have in the last week.

Now, I could blame this adulting fail on work, last week was indeed shit. However, that isn't the reason. The reason is when I took my holiday from work instead of doing the things I planned and getting on top of what I needed to, I did nothing and drank. So my blog and all things related are now suffering because there aren't enough hours in the day.

Anyways, I just wanted to let you know what's going on and explain why this and my next post will be late. I need to go and dry my hair before work. But, I'll leave you with this question: What was your last adulting fail? Let me know in the comments below, and as always stay and play safe.


The Honest Bitch

Friday, 19 May 2017

Lost Cause At 30

I was having lunch with my Mom the other day and we were talking about my upcoming 30th birthday and in this conversation, she casually commented that she’s long given up on my getting married and having kids. First things firstthanks mom, love you too, and second of all; I’m 30, I am not past my sell by date just yet.

I knew what she meant, however, days before my 30th part of me heard that comment as her calling me unlovable and telling me I was going to die alone. When in fact she was commenting on how happy I seem on my own and that I’m not longing after anything, love or kids. I am happy and am kicking butt at the minute.

Despite knowing what she meant, part of me is a little hurt. Why can’t I kick butt and have love and kids too? I’m 30, there’s still time, my eggs are rotten yet. I am, despite my mother’s comment, lovable. I mean, perfectly messed up unavailable men are into me, so surely there must be a decent one out there somewhere I don’t repulse.

Or maybe I’m wrong and I am an egg salad sandwich; bonus points if you know what that’s from. Anyways, I am going to go and drink, because that’s what unlovable people do. But, before I go I have this question for you; at what age are you a lost cause? Let me know in the comments below. And as always stay and play safe.


The Honest Bitch

Friday, 12 May 2017

Positive Place

Strange thoughts enter your head when you sit down to write a blog post, and today is no different. As I sit here on May 11th I’m realizing this is likely the last post I will write as 20-something. I feel like this post should be something special, and conclude the entertaining drama that was my 20’s, but I just can’t do that. I’m entering my 30’s in uncertainty. I don’t have all the pieces figured out just yet, however, I’m oddly ok with that.

A lot of doors are now closed and in an odd way, that’s a good place to start. I know where I’m not going and that’s almost as good as knowing where I am. I’m in a very positive place with everything. 30 is definitely a fresh start.

And on that same note, when Mr. X posed the question “What do you want from me to see in your 30's?” the other day, my instant thought was “for you not to ruin my 30s too.” Which is an unfair comment on my part. He was a time suck for sure, however, that time suck stopped me from doing some dumb things. And he didn’t ruin my 20s, he gave me the script for one hell one a good book/movie one day. I didn’t answer him in the end. He said something about I could have asked for flowers... Mr. X and flowers… I doubt even I’ve been that drunk to think that’s a thing. I think nothing is the much safer answer.

Someone did ask me if me the other day if Mr X will play a part in my 30s. And I suspect he will, we’ve been friends for many years, however, his part will be much smaller. Life moves on and relationships change. It’ll be interesting to see what happens.

Anyways, my bottle of wine is cold now, so I am going to go and drink it. Before I go though, I have this question for you; What do you regret not doing before you turned 30? Let me know in the comments below. And, as always, stay and play safe.


The Honest Bitch 

Friday, 5 May 2017

Hello May, Good Bye 20s

Hello May, and by hello May, I mean; when the heck did May happen?

As I sit here, I only have 13 days left of my 20’s. I am nearly 3 decades old. Boy, does that sounds odd and a little depressing. Yet, I’m excited. It almost feels like a fresh start.

My 20’s were full of “learning opportunities”. Some of which I needed to learn multiple times, before they sunk it. Entering my 30s, I feel like I’m in a good place, not the place I had planned, but a good, a solid place, having learned a lot from my 20’s. Probably more than I would have liked. I feel like I’ve grown a lot in my 20s and am ready for that the next decade has to bring.

It’s a much different feeling then I had when I turned 25. Boy, I didn’t handle that one well. They call it a quarter century crisis. All I can say is it made for a rough birthday. But I’m hopeful since that went so poorly, 30 will be a walk in the park. I mean, surely I can’t lose it over a birthday twice in 5 yearsright?

That said, to be safe, I’m keeping my actual birthday low key. I won’t be celebrating my birthday till the end of June, start of July. I figure if Canada is cool about turning 150, 30 should be nothing. So, me and a friend are going to go to London to see a show and celebrate Canada day. Keeping the focus off me and my age.

Anyways, I am going to go and enjoy a bottle of wine and take joy in the fact, I only have 4 shifts left at work before I break up for 12 days. But before I go I have this question for you, how did you spend your last birthday? Let me know in the comments below and as always stay and play safe.


The Honest Bitch

Friday, 28 April 2017

The Pattern of Mr. X

I was chatting with a friend regarding the whole Mr. X having working sperm thing and she said something kind of interesting. She said she wasn’t surprised by the action, she was surprised by the timing. 

And until she said that, it hadn’t crossed my mind what time of year it was. Mr. X has a pattern that is known not only to me, but my good friends and even some long time readers have picked up on it. Mr. X, kind of like a rash, tends to flare up twice a year. And thankfully, the flare ups are pretty predictable. He tends to flare up in December (most famously the Christmas eve incident) and then again in May (take your pick of the re-appearing Mr. X incidents I found 3 without really looking).  He’ll pop up elsewhere throughout the year, however, they tend to be his big shows.

This has me a little worried; if this is what he’s doing in April, what does he have planned in May?

Hopefully nothing, and he shot his horrors early this year. Maybe if Punxsutawney Phil doesn’t see his shadow Mr. X comes early as well. Who knows.

Anyways, I just thought that was an interesting Mr. X fact for you. I am going to go and enjoy the bottle of wine that is currently in my fridge. But before I go I have this question for you, what May traditions do you have? Let me know in the comment box below and as always stay and play safe.


The Honest Bitch 

Friday, 21 April 2017

Flipped My Bitch Switch

There was one last thing I wanted to touch on in this whole mess; and that’s the message that flipped my bitch switch, and took me from sad, and hurt to murderous.

I’d like you to bear in mind the conversation before the below message was about him not being happy in his marriage, him wanting to leave, then he dropped the baby news on me, and said he felt he needed to stay. Then he sent me this.

“You and I would have been either awesome or awful
But I don't deserve you
I would never ask you to be the "other woman"
Forget the morality - I don't deserve one night with you
Simple as that”

I lost my shit; I won’t lie and it wasn’t pretty. I know on some level that message should have been a compliment, however, all I could think is how self-centered it was. It’s all about him. What he does or doesn’t he deserve. WHAT ABOUT ME?

Do I not deserve a chance with the man I stood by all these years? Do I not deserve a chance to see what is there? After everything he put me through do I not deserve a happy ending?

He is right, he doesn’t deserve me. I’m far too good for him. But that was my choice to make, not his! But the little chicken shit is too scared, he’s too scared to be happy, because he doesn’t think he deserves it. And up to now I disagreed with him. Hell, all I ever wanted was for him to be happy. Now... Now, even I’ve lost faith.

I almost feel his want to be unhappy is stronger than anything. He feels like he has what he deserves and he’s content with that. And just the thought of that makes me cry. And then gets me angry, because the last thing I should be doing is crying over him.  It’s self-inflicted. The same way he laughs when I’m hungover, I should be mocking him now. But, I am not. Why? Because I’m a casualty in his self-inflected ciaos. And as we’ve seen he has no concern for that fact.

Anyways, I’m hoping some of that made sense. It definitely made me feel better to say it, so that’s win. I am going to go and enjoy what remains of my day off. But before I go, I have this question for you, what flips your bitch switch? Let me know in the comments below. And as always stay and play safe.


The Honest Bitch

Friday, 14 April 2017

The Aftermath

Just so you know where we are in the timeline, I’m writing this Monday morning, 2 days after “the news” and about 30 seconds after I decided it was necessary to release my last post nearly a week early and on a non-scheduled day.  I did that for a lot of reasons, but most importantly to keep you guys as close to the events as possible (timeline wise) and in turn stopping me having to revisit things making it easier to heal. 

I didn’t sleep well Saturday night; I wrote my post, logged everything off, even turned my phone off, with the plan of just sleeping it off. My body didn’t agree with that plan. I kept waking up in a panic with my heart racing. I’d calm myself back down and then an hour or so later, it would happen again and that was the story most of the night.

Sunday, I’ll openly admit, I didn’t get out of bed. I spent the day in bed, cuddling a teddy bear, staring at the wall. My TV was on, but, I think I even look it. I was just, broken is probably the best way to describe it.

After I failed to show up to lunch plans I had previously arranged, the gay husband showed up to check on. My phone was still off, which might be a first. He walked in the door and asked, “are you ok?” and I said without even looking at him, “No”, he asked if I wanted to talk about it and again I said “no”. He asked if I planned on getting out of bed. And I said “no”. He then asked if I wanted him to join me, and I simply replied “k”. He crawled into bed next to me and just laid with me, didn’t say a word. At some point I most have finally nodded off and he went home.  I woke up less fuzzy headed, but still not ready to leave my bed. I just spent the rest of the evening curled up hugging the same teddy bear, staring at the wall.

This morning is better. I’ve processed what I needed to process and I’m ok. I suspect I will break down and cry at some point, because I’ll need that to move on. I’m just not there yet. I am actively thinking again, and feeling more able. That said, I know just under the surface it’s still tender and refresh. But it’ll be ok.

I’m going to leave this post here, and hopefully enjoy the rest of my day off before I go back to work tomorrow. Once again, I’m not going to leave a question, but feel free to leave your comments below. And as always, stay and play safe.

The Honest Bitch

Monday, 10 April 2017

A Blogger’s Reaction

Mr. X’s Wife is having a baby.

I received this news a few hours ago as I’m writing this, Saturday in your world. And I’m most surprised how ingrained blogging is in me. My focus has turned very quickly from the effect it was having on me, to my blog.

Let me start by saying, I’m not even going to try and pretend I took the news well. I lost it. I started crying, uncontrollability. I throw up, then slid down the door and just trembled. And once I could see my phone again through the tears, I lost my temper with Mr. X. (I’ll explain that more in a different blog) Despite it all, I feel I restrained myself well. It could have been worse, I definitely had things I could have said and didn’t.

Mainly because my brain switched to my blog. I had posts planned this week; one of you asked the interested question; would the person I am now, date the person Mr. X was. I thought it would make a great post, I can’t write that now. Some of you asked if Mr. X would do another guest post, another great idea. Although I’m not sure I could handle that now. I had all these things planned and it's fucked, he fucked it.

I’ve been blogging over half my life, so I guess it shouldn’t be surprising my brain heads there. I’ve often said I blog to stay sane. And I’m fighting to stay sane at the moment. My brain is frazzled, I’m can’t think straight. I’m just holding on to what pieces I can, hoping I don’t fall completely apart.

I am going to go and get some sleep. And hopefully when I wake up I’ll have a better outlook on things. And with a little like this shaking will have stopped because it’s driving me crazy. I should really leave you with a question, but I have too many to ask and none of which I truly want answers too.

Anyways, as always, stay and play safe.


The Honest Bitch 

Friday, 7 April 2017

Not What I Thought

I’m a little over a month away from I kiss my 20’s good-bye and enter my 30’s and I can say one thing for sure, I’m not where I thought I’d be.

Physically; I still haven’t bounced back from the issues I had with my back. I’m getting back slowly, but I wanted to be me again by the time I hit 30 and that’s not going to happen at this rate by the time I’m 35, maybe.

Career; In an ideal world, I didn’t want to still be working my day job. I wanted blogging to be my main income. In a non-ideal world, where I was still working a day job, I wanted a management roll by the time I hit 30. Not happening. Not likely to happen either, ad blockers suck and I keep pissing off management with my logic.

Relationships; I wanted to be married before 30, because I wanted to start thinking about kids at 30. My logic being I’d be a strong place in my career by then and having kids wouldn’t impact me too hard. What a pipe dream that turned out to be. I’m very single, having even met a guy I can tolerate in years. And thanks to the overgrown children I work with, I’m not even sure I want kids anymore.

Life is definitely not what I thought it would be. I guess as my 30th approaches I need to take a hard look at life and change the mental image I had and with a little luck shape it into something better.

Anyways, you sexy beasts I am going to go and have a drink because getting old is depressing. But before I go I have this question for you; What did you think your life would be like at 30? Let me know in the comment box below and as always stay and play safe.


The Honest Bitch 

Friday, 31 March 2017

Good Idea, Gone Bad

I really must learn to leave well enough alone. I just had to test whether I was dead inside or if it just the work effect. I just had to knowI’m a dumbass.

“Sure, I miss that face, that skin, that kissing ability, that sarcasm... but someone who gets me, someone who understands me, more than most - It makes me miss you.”  - Mr. X

If I was at work, I know for a fact, that wouldn’t have had any effect on me. But, because I was at home, all the feelings. It made me remember that connection we had and why I loved him. It made me remember he wasn’t always evil.

I’m a fucking genuine. I get mad at him for frustrating comments, that are useless in the grand scheme and there I am doing the same sort of thing.

Anyways, I’m going to go and drink and pretend I didn’t open that whole can of worms.  But before I go I have this question for you; what was the last thing you regret doing? Let me know in the comment box below. And, as always, stay and play safe.


The Honest Bitch 

Friday, 24 March 2017

Let’s Get Drunk and Talk

Let me start with normal disclaimer: This post will be written drunk and edited drunk. Once I have sobered up I will not touch the post again.  I will of course answer comments and all that, but there will be no sober editing done. Now that that’s all been said, let’s bring on the tequila.

Mr. X that is the big question and something both you and I and probably him would like answers on.

1.      “I miss you” is the most useless, misleading, bullshit comment ever spoken by a human being.

That statement makes me more angry than anything. It’s designed to be an emotion fuck. It’s a “I’m in a happy marriage, but I miss you.” How useless and utterly disruptive is that comment? It achieves nothing. Other than evidently pissing me off.

2.      Balance

Balance is the answer to all popular question “why are you still friends with him.” Mr. X has always brought balance to me and me to him whether he likes to admit it or not. Maybe not as much these days, because I’ve learned and have been able to take his heartless logical… ness and implement it myself. But, he still is a source of reason for me.

3.      I will not be “the other woman”.

While Mr. X is married, he will not be touched in any way by me! Other then maybe me slapping him, because…. I’m sure he has it coming. I will not play second fiddle to anyone and that’s that.

4.      Is there a future?

I have never ruled out anything with Mr. X. Our history is undeniable. The spark is undeniable. That said, we never dated, we never had time to learn each other, so I’m not going to say I’d marry the man, but I’d be willing to see what is there.

5.      I don’t know what I feel!

Mr. X has and always will have a special place in my heart. We’ve been through a lot. Forgetting the romantic side, which was a shit show. He’s always been a good friend to me and someone to lean on. He’s been one of those people who make you better… his method may be questionable, but the results there.

All that said, my point about never dating remains. I wish we gave it shot back then. I wish we could have seen what was there. I wish things had gone differently, but they didn’t. And life goes on and things, at least for me, worked out well. 

6.      I wish nobody failure in their marriage.

Do I wonder how things could have gone? Of course. But life wrote a different story. And maybe it’ll bring us together one day so whose knows. Maybe he needed marriage number 1 to change him to be better for marriage 2.  I don’t pretend to know what the future has in store. I just hope he’s happy by the end of it.  That’s all I really want, is him to be genially happy.

And since that sentence made me cry, today’s drunk blog is over. I hope it was entertaining, made sense, answered some questions, and more than anything I hope the hangover won’t make me pray death. Before I go I’ll leave you with this question: what are your hangover cures? Let me know your answer to that, any other thoughts you may have in the comments below. And as always stay and play safe.


The Honest Bitch

Friday, 17 March 2017

Dead Inside

I’m starting to worry that I am slightly dead inside. I’ve spent years building walls and toughening up to become the strong woman I am today. Working in such a male dominate environment has really focused me to be less emotional and almost detached in order to be taken seriously and gain success. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t always succeed in keeping my emotions in check, but it takes a lot for me crack these days.

With all that said; I think I may have done too good of a job. I know what I should be feeling regarding the whole Mr. X thing, yet I feel nothing. It’s like my brain hasn’t taken the information in. I’m not sure if it’s because every time he’s spoken to me, I’ve been at work or if I’m genuinely broken.

 I’m fairly switched off at work; I have a job to do and I get it done and once I leave it never happened. It’s a stressful job and I find that the easiest way to stay sane. So, I’m wondering if that’s why Mr. X hasn’t sunk it. He spoke to me at work, we had the needed conversation and I came home as if nothing happened.

 Either that or years of dealing with fuck-wit men has left emotional scarred and broken. Either, or really.

Anyways, I’m going to go and have a nap. But before I go I have this question for you; do you compartmentalize work and real life, or do you have a different way of dealing with stress? Let me know in the comment box below and as always stay and play safe.


The Honest Bitch 

Friday, 10 March 2017

"I Miss You"

I’ve been a little baffled by my lack of reaction to this whole “I miss you” thing. And after a little thought; more than I’ve given the actual statement in all fairness, I think I understand why. I miss you is a very vague statement. In the grand scheme of things, it means almost nothing, and that’s probably why I’ve felt almost nothing regarding it.

I miss my old Corsa. I’m not going to do anything about it, the car is nearly 20 years old at this point and is long gone, but I miss it. It was a good car to me. That about sums up Mr. X’s statement. I’m broken down car with fond memories attached.

"I miss you" is so vague, what does it even mean? Does it mean anything? I suppose if I want these questions answered I should just ask Mr. X.

But, do I want them answered?

I feel I may be too sober for this conversation. Actually, I feel like I’ve been tricked into having a different conversation, one I didn’t want to have. Because you should never ask questions you don’t want the answer to. And I don't think the answer benefits me in any way. 

Anyways, I am going to go and… drink. I think drinking is the answer here. But before I do, I have this question for you; What does “I miss you” mean and do I want the answer? Let me know your thoughts in the comment box below and as always stay and play safe.


The Honest Bitch

Friday, 3 March 2017

Mr. X's Come Back

They say when women spend a lot of time together their cycles sync; after working in a male dominated industry for almost a decade I’m positive male cycles do the same thing. And before you a say anything, yes men have hormone cycles too. They just don’t bleed, they turn into whiny-ass bitches instead. And on my last shift this week, I swear 80 percent of my drivers were PMSing. It was a night from hell, and it wasn’t the work causing the stress, it was they guys and their attitudes.

While dealing with the headaches above, I look down at my phone and noticed Mr. X’s head popped up on Facebook. I figured what the hell, after the night I was having, what’s one more headache? I mean, I may as well deal with whatever he has to say while my night is already crap so I can enjoy my 4 days off in peace.

I look down and his comment was regarding my last post, which I figured it would be. He said he liked the post and that he swore he doesn’t try to torment me. I had two instant thoughts

 1)      If you liked it, I hope you clicked an ad.
 2)      Hmm, yeah you do.

I just replied back with “thanks” and waited for the ball to drop and it soon did. He came out with “Do you want me to be flat out honest with you?” Me being me and not really being fully in the conversation replied with “if you’d like.” He then said “I would” and then he did something he calls me out for all the time. He’d typed and deleted and typed and deleted. He eventually added “The only variable is: What do you want to know?”. 

Bearing in mind the night I was having, dealing with man-children; all I was thinking was “dude, you clearly want to tell me something. Just fucking tell me.” Admittedly, I thought it was going to go a different way than it did.  If you’ve been here a while you’ll remember the last time Mr. X had something to tell me, he told me he loved me and vanished for 6 months. I eventually replied with “Whatever you'd like to tell me.” A fairly nice response given my mind-set.
“I miss you”, was what he said next. Then he said he said to go and went.

The reaction in my head was a little detached to say the least, it was “bullshit you don’t say things just to torment me.” And then I went back to answering my phones at work.

I’ll be honest, it’s been 24 hours and I don’t think I’ve processed any of it. I came home from work yesterday had… a lot to drink, and went to bed. I woke up at 2am and wrote this. I think that might be my next post. I’ll sit down and write and let my brain figure everything out.

Anyways, that’s you up to date. And I need to go and get dressed and take my car in, hopefully it doesn’t cost me too much. But, before I go I have this question for you; do you think Mr. X says things just to torment me? Let me know the answer to that and any thoughts you may have in the comment box below. And as always, stay and play safe.


The Honest Bitch 

Friday, 24 February 2017

Mr. X Baits Me

At this point I’m sure Mr. X baits me on purpose, he plots things to say that he knows will just niggle and eat at me and just lays back at waits for the show. And because I’m a dumbass I take the bait most of the time, and this time is no different.

I was talking to Mr. X a few weeks ago, and he came out with this line, “I always feel I get a more honest assessment of how you feel about me when my name is Mr. X” ….  I’m only human. I tried, But, how can I not bite at that one?

To Mr. X’s credit, he's right, despite him asking me flat out how I feel, I will never give him a straight answer. The most obvious reason for this is he’s married. I have a moral standard that I will not get involved in anyone else’s relationship. My feelings are none of his business.

The other reason is for own protection. As much as I have forgiven him and am thankful for how everything turned out. I haven’t forgotten. I was a mess for a long time and I can’t risk him putting me back in that space again. I’ve come a long way, but that man is dangerous. 

So why blog? I’m assuming that’s the question, or at least it would be mine.

The answer, unlike the Mr. X situation is simple, business. My Mr. X posts do very well. They are some of my highest viewed, most shared posts. I’m not sure whether it’s because people can relate or if they just enjoy knowing someone’s love life is more messed up then theirs, but they read nonetheless so I continue to write. And to be fair writing is cheaper than therapy, so I don’t mind.

I guess the question  remaining is how do I feel? And I don’t really have a good answer for that question. Do I think about him from time to time? Yeah. Do I wonder how things could have been? Of course. Do I wonder if there is a future? Once in a while, mainly when I’m stupidly drunk. Do I still have feelings for him?  I’m sure on some level I do, but at this point they’re so buried even I can’t be sure, nor am I sure I really want to know. A bit of shitty answer I know, but it's the truth... maybe I'll do a drunk post one day and we'll all find out the answer together. 

Anyways, that’s me done, I am going to go and get some much-needed sleep before I am back at work tomorrow. But before I go I have this question for you, do you ever wonder about an ex? Let me know in the comment box below and as always stay and play safe.


The Honest Bitch