Friday, 28 December 2012

Mr. X Q&A

"As promised here is Mr. X’s Q&A, I have to admit this wasn’t as emotionally scarring as I thought it would be. Thank you all for your questions, and as for the ones that were clearly just you screwing with him for your own personal amusement….You rock! That's why I love my readers J" 

1) How much does he think he will regret not marrying you? On a scale of 1 to 10, and of course an explanation is required 

I'll have to say 1. If it was any other score, I would have changed things by now, right? Invading Honest Bitch's subconscious doesn't count as making a genuine effort.

2) Does Mr. X find your blog more insightful or insulting?

 I find the Honest Bitch's blog interesting. It swings from insightful to insulting like a pendulum. Consistently and like clockwork

3) You said he has a girlfriend now; I want to know if there are ever moments he wishes she was you?

Wow, everyone wants to hook me and Honest Bitch up, don't they?

4) Has the fact she's a blogger affected your relationship?

No, why would it? Women talk. At least I can see what Honest Bitch has to say!

5) Explain how you have at least 2 women into you when you're such a dick?

I'd like to thank Taylor Swift for this question. All men are dicks and the reality women should accept is that most women are attracted to bad boys. Why? Because a nice boy is boring.

6) Does the Honest Bitch write about everything that happens between you or does she leave things out. If she does, does the things she decides not to write about bother you?

Honest Bitch does leave things out but it doesn't bother me. It's her blog, it's her business. Much like I have my man closet and it is my business.

7) Has Mr. X every thought about starting his own blog?

I have one but to share with you the link would be to share my identity. I'd prefer to avoid the hate mail from Taylor Swift and co.

8) Would you ever set THB up with one of your friends?

No. I think Honest Bitch is an attractive and charismatic woman. She can get her own men (even her taste in men is appalling).

9) We hear about your screw ups, but has The Honest Bitch ever hurt you? And if so have you forgiven her?

I have very thick skin. I didn't get to be like this by being soft.

10) If you had one wish for The Honest Bitch what would it be?

I want her to find a man that will treat her right and make her happy.

Monday, 24 December 2012

Christmas Eve

Seeing as it's Christmas Eve I’m going to keep this blog pretty short, mainly because I can’t wait to get on with my Christmas Eve tradition of snuggling up in my pjs and watching far too many Christmas films, starting with, of course, my favourite White Christmas.

Before I get on with that, I want to let you know about an upcoming blog that both excites and slightly horrifies me. Mr. X came up with the idea of doing a Q&A for you guys. I love the idea of you guys being able to get the whole picture and see things from his perspective as well as mine. Its part of the “Honest” in The Honest Bitch, I like to be as transparent as I can be with you but with that being said it still scares me, but I’ll get over it. So if you happen to have any questions you’d like Mr. X to answer please send them my way.

Before I go I just want to make sure I wish you all a very Merry Christmas and I hope Santa brings you everything you want and more. Have a fantastic day. I’m off to dream of a white Christmas.

Love Always,

The Honest Bitch 

Friday, 21 December 2012

Emotionally Detached

I’ve never had a problem flirting with Mr. X or meeting him for one of our “encounters” that stuff just doesn’t faze me, however what does faze me is when Mr. X gives me a complement; it feels almost dirty.

I’m well aware I’m a little fucked up; this is news to nobody, but this I fear, takes it to a whole new level. And brings back flashbacks to a breakup I had a few years ago.

When we broke up the guy called me “emotionally detached”, and that’s why we were “doomed from the start.”

To this day I’ve always called bullshit on this, what he calls “emotionally detached” I call being a low maintenance girlfriend. I still strongly believe the problem was him and not me.

One of the big things he had a problem with was that I never put in any effort to get to know his friends. Let me start by saying it’s not like he had his friends over to his place. When he’d hang out with his friends it was at a club or they’d go out and play pool. Maybe it’s because I have so many guy friends but I know those aren’t the places that a girlfriend should be tagging alone to. That’s guy time.

He also bitched that I would never text him first throughout the day. Why should I? He was busy at work and I had things I needed to do during the day. Not to mention I worked late shifts so I was also kind of busy, you know, sleeping.

He also had a problem with the fact I wouldn’t hold his hand when we were out shopping. I’m sorry but I’m an adult, I don’t need to hold anybody’s hand when I’m out. I’m a big girl, I can walk by myself, I’ve been doing it a long time, I’m good at it. If you want to do something to show the world you’re my boyfriend, carry my bags! At least that’s useful.

The other thing that he didn’t like was I could happily go a day or two without anything more than a good night text. I’m an only child, and because of that I like my space, there is nothing wrong with that. Last time I checked not being needy and clingy was a good thing.

Ok so maybe I’m wrong, maybe I am emotionally detached, maybe Mr. X is right, when I asked him he said I’m “somewhat” emotionally detached. Maybe I’ve just dealt with so many jerk-off men I’m jaded. Or maybe I’m just an independent woman who has a nasty habit of dating whiny ass men.

I don’t know, what do you guys think? Let me know in the comment box below and as always, stay and play safe.


The Honest Bitch 

Monday, 17 December 2012

Turning A Bad Christmas Gift Into A Good One

Have you ever done something so spectacularly wrong, you’re almost proud of it? That’s what this blog is about.   

Normally I write about the stupid things men I’ve dated have done, and there is a little of that in here but this blog is different, it’s mainly about something stupid and wrong I did while in a relationship. Something so bad it’s legendary among my circle of friends.

The story begins 9 years ago this very month; I had been dating a guy named Kev for 6 months. We met in a nightclub, he was in his 20’s and I was underage, a fact he didn’t find out until we broke up.

I had spent weeks shopping to find the perfect Christmas gift for him. Nothing big but something that showed I was listening and that I cared. After weeks I found the perfect gift for him; a sweater with his favourite soccer team’s logo on it and his name. It was something I knew he’d love.

I saw him a few days before Christmas to swopped gifts but we decided not to open them until Christmas day.

Christmas day rolls around and I took the present he got me from under the tree and opened it. Let’s put it this way it’s a good thing we didn’t open gift together or it would still be lodged in his colon to this very day.

It took me weeks to find him the perfect gift and it was very clear he spent seconds picking mine. He got me the cheapest, nastiest bath set known to man. It was clearly the freebie in Boots’ buy two gifts get one free Christmas offer. The thing cost £4 tops and had no thought at all put into it, I was fluming.

The next day, still fluming, I get a call from my friend Crystal asking if I want to go to town drinking. I jumped at the opportunity; I figured a drink was just what I needed.

We couldn’t have been in the club more than 10 minutes before I spotted a cute guy making eyes my way. I figured Kev clearly didn’t care so why the hell not, so I flirted back.

It wasn’t long before the guy joined me and Crystal on the dance floor, we were dancing and flirting, it was all pretty harmless at the time. Then Crystal started complaining her feet were sore so while she went to the bar to get more drinks me and flirting eyes went to find a table.

We were talking then I turned around to grab a drink from Crystal and when I turned back there were two of him. Admittedly I had been drinking but I was nowhere near the seeing double stage. Then the double leaned in and gave me hug, it turns out flirty eyes had an identical twin.

We talk for while and did a little more dancing then Crystal decides she’d had enough and wanted to leave. I was having good time and wasn’t going anywhere so one of the twins walked her to a cab; while the other one stuck his tongue in my mouth (so much for harmless eh?).

At this point the evening gets a little fuzzy, as most nights do when I drink tequila. I vaguely remember some dancing and some more kissing however I can’t be sure which twin I was doing what with because like I said they were identical and I was....drunk.

I can’t really blame the tequila, my default mode whether I’m drunk or not, is to do the thing that makes the best story. This has a habit of getting me into trouble, fun trouble but trouble nonetheless. So bearing that in mind, when one of the twins asked me to come back to their place at the end of the night, the answer was always going to be a yes.

When we got to their place, we had a few more drinks and watched a film then thing get really fuzzy, there was kissing and then some clothe removal, and some more kissing, then there was a bed with 3 naked bodies in it and from what I remember 3 happy naked bodies........then 3 hung-over semi-naked bodies.

Kev and I broke up a few days later over that evening but not for the reason you think, he was mad I went out with Crystal in that argument he called me immature so I told him how old I really was, and that was that. I never did tell him about the twins he was mad enough about the age thing.

I know what I did was wrong, on so many levels, and I probably shouldn’t have done it but it’s one of those stories looking back where you did the wrong thing but it was right thing (if that makes any sense at all).

Sex with identical twins in the revenge Holy Grail and either way I was going to end up single in a few days. The way I see it I turned his bad Christmas gift into a great one. (I’m going to hell I know).

Like I said at the start, it’s one of those things that’s so bad you can’t help but be a little proud of it. Have you ever done anything like that? And if not, what’s the first thing I should do when I get to hell? Let me know in the comment box below.

As always stay and play safe, love,

The Honest Bitch

Saturday, 15 December 2012

'Tis the Season to Laugh at Couples

Some people get very sad and lonely around the holidays; I’m not one of them. I love being single and anyone who has taken a look at my dating history can fully understand why. But besides dating a whole lot of guy I’d really like to run over with a bus the other reason I love being single especially at the holidays is couples are ridiculous this time of years.

First you have the present stress, you never want to spend less or put less thought into your partner’s gift then they put into yours. This makes people go crazy and I find it hilarious. There are a few couples in my circle of friends; they’re going crazy over this. I happen to have gone Christmas shopping with one of the guys and his girlfriend is dying to find out what he got her. Since I’m a bad person every time she asks me I tell her it could be a coal or it could be a diamond or maybe it’s a pony. I find it hilarious to screw with her....she on the other hand, does not.

Then you have the stupid holiday photos. You either wear ugly sweaters or stupid hats or both and stand in front of tree and smile like you’re not wearing stupid clothing. You couples can enjoy that, I’m going to sit here in my non stupid clothing and laugh at your ridiculous photos that will live forever on the Internet.

Then you have the joy of going to your partners work’s Christmas party. I don’t know about you but I never want to go to my own works Christmas party let alone my boyfriends. So if you ask me, that is reason enough to stay single at the holidays.

The other thing that makes couples ridiculous at the holidays is all the fighting. Christmas a booze heavy time of year and with all that booze comes all those booze fuelled fights. And because I’m a little bit twisted I find it highly amusing. “Your penis is small”, “You’re a whore” “You can go fuck, that fucking thing.”.....”I’m sorry, I love you.” Who needs to TV when you can watch drunken couples, I can’t help but laugh.

I have to ask, what is the upside to being in a relationship this holiday season because to be honest I think of any and if you’re single like me, what do you enjoy about being single during the holiday season? Let me know in the comment box below and as always stay and play safe.


The Honest Bitch 

Tuesday, 11 December 2012


Most women want what they can’t have, so when I found out a few months ago Mr. X was in a relationship, my friends were worried the grip he had on me would tighten.

I’m not most women.

The thing that made Mr. X so alluring was that he was something attainable I couldn’t attain. The best way I can describe is it was like we were in the same book, on same chapter, on same page but different paragraphs; so close you could almost touch but never quite close enough.

The whole thing played off the fact I am the world’s most stubborn person. Yes, there was a sexually spark there too which didn’t help but the main issue was my stubbornness. There were days were I looked at him and if he were any other guy, I wouldn’t have given him a second look, drunk in a bar at closing time. It was purely my stubbornness that kept me interested. 

Admittedly there were other days were I wanted to rip his clothes off and do unspeakable things to him but that’s not what we’re talking about here.

So when I found out he was in a relationship besides being shocked that he was capable of human emotion, I was actually relieved.

He went from something attainable I just couldn’t attain, to something unattainable that I couldn’t attain so there was no point in trying. I was oddly at peace with everything.

I’m still oddly at peace and my friends think I’ve lost my mind. They don’t understand how I can still speak with this man who once drove me crazy and had all this power over me and now he’s just like all my other guy friends, nothing special.

I put it like this, when he went for attainable to unattainable the book closed, when the book closed it killed all the butterflies that were inside it and without the have nothing.

Does any of that make sense at all? Or are my friend right to think I’ve lost my mind? Let me know what you think in the comment box below. And as always my dears stay and play safe.


The Honest Bitch 

Sunday, 9 December 2012

Troll Bitch Slap

I wrote a blog in July called “What Women Want”; this blog was not written as a guide to a happy, healthy relationship, hell it wasn’t even written with the intent that men would do everything on this list. It was written so men could pick one or two to try and stay in our good books since what we actually want is forever changing.

This week some troll, who clearly has women issues thought he would comment on my blog and now I’m going to put that little fucker in his place.

“What a crock of shit. This entire blog reeks of spoiled princess syndrome, what self-entitled bitch expects the man to do all this? Why should I? For your body? If I want just a body, I can pay for it, and probably get far better than what you're offering”

Let me start by saying I pity the dumb airhead that ends up with you. Also you don’t need to worry about anything on the list because any woman with half a brain would spray you with pepper spray before letting you get anywhere near their body.

“Be Generous - Why the fuck should I spend my hard earned cash for you? You know the idea of seeing someone is because you LIKE/LOVE them as a person. Not what they can provide for you. How about you get rid of spoiled princess syndrome? A man shouldn't need to buy your ass gifts to keep your slutty head focused on him.”

In the blog I do say be generous, nobody likes a tightwad however if you could read you’d know I also said it doesn't have to be anything big it’s the thought that counts. I also suggest picking her flowers. Being generous doesn’t mean spending money; you can also be generous with your time or your compliments. However in your case I’m pretty sure nobody wants any of your fucking time.

“Be Honest - A rule that a lot of women should follow instead of leading men on. Men are probably more inclined to be direct with a woman than a woman is to men. Ever had some bitch ignore you're phone calls or texts hoping you'll take the hint? That's because they don't have the balls to upright tell you. More women do this than me.”

Did your mommy not love you? Is that where all the hate comes from or are you naturally just a whiny cry baby who clearly needs a glass of man the fuck up? Have you ever considered that your attitude may be making these women have a “don’t call me I’ll call you” attitude. If it doesn’t change there will be millions more doing it to you..Guaranteed!

“Have Eyes For Only Her - I think most men will follow this rule once most females get rid of their fucking cling-on male guys that are "just friends" to boost your ego, you attention whore. We know exactly what you bitches are doing, we're not stupid. A mature person with high-confidence shouldn't NEED validation that they're good looking or a great person by having orbiters, it should come from THEMSELVES.”

Really, you’re not stupid that’s the argument you’re going for? Have you read what you’ve been writing, because you sound pretty damn stupid to me. Women and men can be just friends without their being any “ego boosting” a fact you’d know if you actually had any friends or if anyone wanted to be around you.  Aside from that what does men who window shop for other ladies while with a women have to do with “just friends”?

“Never Follow a Women - Nothing gets more annoying than some passive woman that refuses to take lead and expects to be spoonfed everything everywhere. You're an adult. Not a child. Why would I want a woman where I have to do all the decision making like I'm her father, instead of one that's a mature adult who contributes just as much as I do? MASSIVE turn off. I don't want to date a fucking child. I want to date an adult.”

You’re adult not child so start using your brain like one. What you’re saying about passive women was the exact same point I was making about passive men you dipshit!

“Staying on power - Stop with your petty games. Relationships shouldn't be about control. If you're a mature enough person, they should be about commitment, understanding and working together. Not power plays. Power plays is for people that have no fucking clue what a proper relationship is.”

You mean keep the power, a point I made about men not being lap dog, it had nothing to do with games and everything to do with men being men and not whiny little babies like you’re doing now.

If you took a second to read my blog you’d know nobody here is weak or child-like, all my readers and myself are strong women. And Strong women need strong men. Men who can handle us being us and as you so kindly pointed out most men can’t, they turn into sniffling little baby around women who know what they want.

If you have a problem with any of that get the fuck off my site and go find somewhere weak minded little men are welcome.

-The Honest Bitch

Monday, 3 December 2012

Christmas Lunch Hell

Later this week I’m going to a Christmas lunch with my step dad’s mom and my mom which isn’t my idea of a good time but it’s not the end of the world. Then today it was sprung on me that my step dad (who isn’t going to the lunch) invited his brother and wife to join us. I’m not impressed.

I’m dreading the “isn’t it about time you get married and start having kids?” conversation. It wouldn’t be so bad if they were asking because I’m in a long term relationship but that’s not why they’re asking. They’re asking because they’re kids who are both younger than me are married and their eldest who is 23 has two children.

They always say it like what their kids have done is such an accomplishment. Since when is getting knocked up at 18 by mistake, then a year later being pursued into marring your baby daddy and then a couple years later having another unplanned baby while being financially unstable and working a low paying job, an accomplishment?

Personally I think the real accomplishment is being 25 and not popping out kids I can’t afford but that’s just me and well.......logic.

“But don’t you want to get married?” They make it sounds like I’m a freaking old maid. I’m 25 not a 125. Just because their kids got married at a young age to people they weren’t dating all that long doesn’t make it right.

I’ll get married when I’m good and ready...maybe.

“You’re so good with kids, you should have some.” Once again I’m 25!!! My biological clock isn’t ticking yet. I have a good 15 childbearing years left; I have plenty of time before I need to start worrying about this stuff.

Not to mention the fact I need a guy and his sperm before I can even start to think about that stuff. Marriage, mortgage, kids in that order is the plan. But before any of that can happen I have to find a guy I don’t want to murder. (And I will personally punch anyone in the face who even suggests Mr. X but that’s a rant for another day).

I’ll never understand why anyone would want to push me into get married off. I’m happy just being me and taking my time, the only thing making me unhappy is people trying to tell me what to do with MY life. Last time I check choosing not to be a statistic is a good thing. You’d never fucking know that in that family.

So what do you dread most about spending time with your extended family? Let me know in the comment box below. And as always stay and play safe.


The Honest Bitch 

Saturday, 1 December 2012

Friend of a Friend

I’m not sure there are many things more creepy then a friend of a friend randomly adding you on Facebook.

Here’s the story that gets repeated time and time again, you comment on a “friend’s” (normally someone you have seen in 10 years) status and a few minutes later a friend request pops up.

When you look at the request it says you have one person in common, the “friend” you haven’t seen in 10 years. You decide to accept the request because you figure if the guy hasn’t murdered your “friend” yet he must be harmless.

Fast forward 10 minutes and that so called harmless guy is sending you picture of his penis at which point you realize the reason you no longer hang out with the person you haven’t seen in 10 years is because they’re a rubbish judge of character. 

The male brain hurts my head, they randomly add a women and the first thing they send is “I hope you don’t mind me adding you.” What would make you think we’d mind a strange man we’ve never heard of sending us unsolicited message? Could it be all the “stranger danger” talks we had as kids!?

Here’s a note for all the men of the world (or just the 2 that actually read my blog), all women mind when you randomly add them...Unless you happen to be Ryan Gosling, he can add whoever he likes. What you should do is ask the person you have in common to ask the women if she minds you Facebook stalking her. That’s just the polite/ less creepy thing to do. But of course that’s not what you do because that would involve your brain and not you penis.

So what do you guys think, is it creepy when a friend of a friend randomly adds you or like normal am I crazy? Let me know what you think in the comment box below.  And as always stay and play safe.


The Honest Bitch 

Thursday, 29 November 2012

The Attack of the Snowman

You’ve heard of gag gifts well around Christmas our whole living room basically becomes a running gag. It all started off innocently enough and then over the years it’s became an ever growing monster of hilarity.

The monster in question is snowmen.....lots and lots of snowmen.

I’m not quite sure how it happened but over the years my mom has ended up with a large number of snowmen Christmas decorations. She wasn’t looking for snowmen they were just adorable so she bought them and over time the adorableness has added up.

A few years ago after an evening at the pub my step dad came home and randomly started counting all the snowmen, each time he counted he came up with a different number and suggested we we’re adding more as he was counting. We weren’t but we liked the idea so much we stole it.

So next time my mom went shopping she picked up a couple more snowmen. And then the next time my step dad counted the number (which is never the same) went up. He pointed to the new snowmen and asked about them. We told him they were always there. And he gave us a look and said “no more snowmen.”

We took that as a challenge.

So over the years we continued to add more and more snowmen and then play dumb about where they came from. And every time my step dad counts the number grows and grows and my mom and I sit there trying not to laugh when he says “47 snowmen!! How are they 47 snowmen? Where are they coming from?”

This year I thought I’d change things up a bit, the decorations are all well and good but what I think would be really fun is snowmen themed Christmas gifts. My step dad is a pain in the ass to buy for anyways so I figured I may as well have a little fun with it.

So far I picked up an ugly snowmen sweater, a tie, a melting snowmen, a USB drum playing snowmen and the funniest thing of all a snowmen shaped USB drive. The USB drive is funny because normally January 1st the snowmen army get’s put away for another year but this little drive with be there all year long to remind him of the every growing snowmen army in the attic that is ready to be unleashed at moments notice.

I can’t wait for Christmas morning to seeing his face when he opens these gifts marked “From: Frosty the Snowman”. It should be a pretty funny morning.

So are there any other snowmen themed gifts you can think of and what running jokes do you have in your family, let me know in the comment box below. And as always my dears stay and play safe.


The Honest Bitch 

Friday, 23 November 2012

Convincingly Fake An Orgasm

I love getting all your questions on Facebook, Twitter and by email I love the conversation we have and finding out what you guys want to read about. However once in a while I get asked a question that I don’t feel fully qualified to answer.

I received one of those questions last week. A female reader asked me “how do you convincingly fake an orgasm?". 

I want to start by saying I am by no means a professional sexpert. It’s a title I’d love to have one day but I’m not. But like most women I have a little experience in the faking realm and over the years I’ve learned a few tips that might help.

1. Keep your eyes closed – You can fake many things in bed but you can’t hide that “is it over yet?” look in your eyes.....Trust me on that.

2. Don’t over act – You are not in porno, keep your moaning and “oh gods” to applicable moments and don’t overdo it. Instead of focusing on moaning focus on your breathing patterns, inhale a few times, and followed it by a long staggered exhale. (Something I actually first learned in an acting class.)

3. Use your muscles – Arch your back, tense up and grab something (his hair, a pillow, or the sheets), curl your toes, and while you’re at it put those kegel exercises to good use. Men think women can’t fake the spasm of those muscles....They’re wrong.

I hope those few tips I’ve learned over the years help, but I’m going to say it again I’m not a sexpert so I’m going to ask you, my lovely readers to help this women out and leave her some tips in the comment box below and if you’re guy (apparently I do have some male readers) let us know what gives it away when a women is faking.

This has actually been a lot of fun to write as always I’m happy to try and help the best I can. So until next time my dears stay and play safe.


The Honest Bitch