Guest Post Dilemma

I’ve been working on a guest post (that I may never finish at this rate) for  thesexysinglemommy.net about how we all bitch and moan about wanting to find the elusive triple threat guy; a guy that’s not only nice and sweet but funny too, yet when we were in school we all over looked these sweet, funny guys in favor of guys, who in hindsight, were total douche bags.

Because I’m not a total hypocrite and like to heed some of my own advice, I messaged the guy who in my mind is the quintessential nice, sweet, funny guy that got over looked in school.

Besides the fact it took him a week to reply to me (which isn’t cool and almost caused a blog about us turning those nice guys into douche bags) it went ok. It was nice to catch up with him and there may have been a little harmless flirting going on. But after a couple of days messaging back and forth he vanished without a trace, and after two unanswered messages (which contained questions) and 8 days, I am declaring him officially dead.

Which leaves me with the problem of how to finish my guest post; did we turn all the nice guys into assholes? Maybe I just broke this one or maybe they just seemed so nice in school because the guys we were chasing were such fuckwits in comparison.

What do you guys think? I want to hear your opinions on this, leave your comment in the comment box below and as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxoxo

The Attack of the Snowman

You’ve heard of gag gifts well around Christmas our whole living room basically becomes a running gag. It all started off innocently enough and then over the years it’s became an ever growing monster of hilarity.

The monster in question is snowmen.....lots and lots of snowmen.

I’m not quite sure how it happened but over the years my mom has ended up with a large number of snowmen Christmas decorations. She wasn’t looking for snowmen they were just adorable so she bought them and over time the adorableness has added up.

A few years ago after an evening at the pub my step dad came home and randomly started counting all the snowmen, each time he counted he came up with a different number and suggested we we’re adding more as he was counting. We weren’t but we liked the idea so much we stole it.

So next time my mom went shopping she picked up a couple more snowmen. And then the next time my step dad counted the number (which is never the same) went up. He pointed to the new snowmen and asked about them. We told him they were always there. And he gave us a look and said “no more snowmen.”

We took that as a challenge.

So over the years we continued to add more and more snowmen and then play dumb about where they came from. And every time my step dad counts the number grows and grows and my mom and I sit there trying not to laugh when he says “47 snowmen!! How are they 47 snowmen? Where are they coming from?”

This year I thought I’d change things up a bit, the decorations are all well and good but what I think would be really fun is snowmen themed Christmas gifts. My step dad is a pain in the ass to buy for anyways so I figured I may as well have a little fun with it.

So far I picked up an ugly snowmen sweater, a tie, a melting snowmen, a USB drum playing snowmen and the funniest thing of all a snowmen shaped USB drive. The USB drive is funny because normally January 1^st the snowmen army get’s put away for another year but this little drive with be there all year long to remind him of the every growing snowmen army in the attic that is ready to be unleashed at moments notice.

I can’t wait for Christmas morning to seeing his face when he opens these gifts marked “From: Frosty the Snowman”. It should be a pretty funny morning.

So are there any other snowmen themed gifts you can think of and what running jokes do you have in your family, let me know in the comment box below. And as always my dears stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 
xoxoxo

Shit My Friend's Say

I have the best group of friends a person could ask for; however they aren’t the sanest group of people you’ll ever meet. We all have a love for something creative be it art, writing, acting or music; we’re all very creative people.

There is a stereotype that creative people are kind of nuts and well, we don’t disappoint on that front.  The things that come out of our mouths are enough to make the average person wonder about our mental stability. However when we can make someone inside our group think that, well that’s just impressive.

This week my friends have been on fire, so I thought I’d share some of the funny, random and downright head hurting stuff that has flown out of their mouths.

Starting with......

“I am a horny ice cube.” – This is, believe it or not, how one of my dear friends introduced himself to someone I use to work with. Some who I’m willing to bet is un-friending me on Facebook as I write this.

“We’ve all been there a hot guy undresses and then boom there it is a tiny penis and instantly he’s hotness diminishes by like 600%. Do men have that same problem?” I have no comment for this at all, unless you want to answer her “do men have that same problem?” Sometimes I think I need new friends.

“Sex is like riding a kangaroo.” I can’t tell you where she was going with this one because she never got to finish it, because that’s what happens when you randomly blurt out “sex is like riding a kangaroo.”

“The stars are like the sun’s illegitimate bastard children.” This was said when I had people over for a late Thanksgiving last weekend. We were sat outside waiting for dessert and this gem fell out of one my friend’s mouths.

“Men like women to wear make-up while they’re having sex so they can tell if they’re doing a good job or not. The more clown-like the make-up looks the better job he did.” .......Really I think I could use some new friends. On second thought that one could be true, men’s minds are pretty messed up places after all.

So that’s some of the random things that my friends have said, what random things have your friends said let me know in the comment box below and as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch
xoxoxo

Good on Paper Guy

We’ve all been there, a lovely guy who is everything you should want in boyfriend, he is perfect on paper, but in reality you’d rather pull your eye lashes out one by one then actually date him.

Such was the case with my good on paper date a few weeks ago Kyle. He was a lovely guy, well mannered, hell the guy brought flowers, who does that anymore. But the date was less fun then a root canal.

He’s what I call a paint by numbers guy, everything had a place and time, was planned out and that isn’t me. I’m a goofball, I like to have fun and he, wasn’t. Thinking about it I don’t think I laughed at all during the date.

Guys always bitch that women say they want a guy that can make them laugh but we don’t. I’m here as living proof to tell you, that is what we want. This guy is not getting a second chance because he failed to make me laugh...and to be any fun at all.

I should have known better, I’ve never gone for the good on paper guys; they’re just not for me. That’s not to say I like bad boys because I don’t. For me the most important thing in a relationship is a spark. That spark is what makes you want to work on things or even put any effect in, in the first place. Without that spark you may as well be dating your brother,

So that’s just my opinion, what do you guys think? What is the most important thing to you, good on paper, good in bed, spark or something else, let me know in the comment box below.

As always my lovelies stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 
xoxoxo

Guest Post: An Open Letter From Mr.X

An open letter to The Honest Bitch and her loyal band of bitches,

The Honest Bitch is a curious creature. If you haven’t met her, then that is a shame for you because she is pretty thing with cute complexities and vulnerable virtues. I’ve met her, as you may have read. She has this tendency to rip my clothes off and take advantage of me, something for which I am immensely grateful, since the girl has some skills.

But she gets this magnificent blog to share her soul with the world. I gather some of you want to know about me, the enigmatic Mr X. Why, I have no idea, but allow me to indulge some of you.

I was born in London. It was a difficult birth because my mother was in Manchester at the time. I was raised by a pack of wolves until my youth. I was educated in the dreary school system that taught me that the correct answer is never the facts but what the teacher wants to hear. As a consequence, I managed to get an A in most subjects by writing my name and “How’s about it Miss?” on the front of most exam papers. Strangely, I did poorly in Media Studies. Mr Smith was obviously expecting me to put down actual answers.

Then I went to University in Oxford and instantly fell in love with the city. Sadly, society frowned upon marriage between a man and an urban area, so we had to just stay friends. I came away from my academic studies with a Masters in Wit, Charm and Cynicism. I also picked up a Doctorate in Trust Issues.

I now work as the boss of a shadowy organisation planning on world domination by turning the world’s brains to mush. That’s right; we are behind The X Factor, the Twilight saga and McDonalds.

The Honest Bitch and I met under auspicious circumstances. There I was, randomly spraying myself with two cans of Lynx on a beach, when an armada of women came galloping my way. However, no one was stopping The Honest Bitch, who battered through the crowd with the brutality of an ice hockey player. Little did I realise that she had studied such an art for some time.

So why aren’t we together? Well, I’m a man. Commitment breaks me out in a rash. We could be sex buddies but it would only lead to commitment and we wouldn’t be friends after the ugly break up, done via text message or a restraining order.

Some of you may have questions. Feel free to put them in the comments and those that The Honest Bitch really wants answering, I’m sure she’ll put them to me. The rest will probably end up on her Facebook page in some edited format!

Signing off,

Mr X

Talk Like A Human

I normal don’t have a problem with people choosing to sound like an idiot. It’s a personal choice if you want to make people to think you failed kindergarten or not. However there are two things that make me want to bitch slap people.

The first one is when people add an X in ask or asked making it into axe or axed.

Why? There is no fucking need for it. It just makes it sound like you never stepped foot in a school. By all means be stupid but you don’t have to sound like you are. Where did the X even come from? It’s not like X is a commonly used letter in the English language. Some people just shouldn’t be allowed to open their mouths.

Speaking of people who shouldn’t be allowed to talk that brings me to the second thing that drives me crazy.  People who pronounce the silent H in words.

I remember be taught in first or second grade that you don’t pronounce the H in words like what and where. So who decided once you become fully grown you can start pronouncing that H? Did the H get jealous and decided it was time for him to start talking?

Some people blame Hollywood for whole H not being so silent thing but I blame stupid people emulating Hollywood. I mean it’s not a trend if only a few people do it. People should be smart enough to put a stop to things at are clearly stupid and make you sound stupid along with it.

All I ask is for people to use their brain and if you don’t have one keep your mouth shut so I don’t have to hear your nonsense.  

I’m heading off to find a way to cool off (stupid English weather). As always stay safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxo

Pet Names: Food Edition

I’m horrible with names so I rely heavily on pet names. And since I’m easily bored they aren’t always normal pet names. Hun and sweetheart just don’t cut it for me. Right name I’m big on banana and blueberry. Yes, I know, I’m strange.

Because of my odd pet names I’ve been given a mission to see if there are any food related pet names I can’t get away with. This was after I called someone Neapolitan ice cream and the person didn’t bat an eyelash.

So far there have only been two names that have given me a slight problem, they are “fluffy pink cotton candy” if I hadn't called a guy that it may have gone better and “marshmallow”. No one likes being called marshmallow. If you don’t believe me give it a try and see how well it goes over. I did get away with it after a little explaining.

On the list of names I got away and probably shouldn’t have is lobster, puffer fish, donut, chocolate cream pie and rump roast. Oh yes I’m that freaking adorable I can call someone rump roast without them saying a word.

I don’t know why but food pet names always come off sounding cute. It’s just one of life’s little mysteries. It’s a lot of fun too. I think everyone should give this a try and see how far you can push it without getting in trouble.

Before I go, can you guys think of any non-cute food pet names? It’s harder than you might think. Anyways I’m off as always stay safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch
xoxoxoxo