Saturday 19 November 2011

Guest Post: An Open Letter From Mr.X

An open letter to The Honest Bitch and her loyal band of bitches,

The Honest Bitch is a curious creature. If you haven’t met her, then that is a shame for you because she is pretty thing with cute complexities and vulnerable virtues. I’ve met her, as you may have read. She has this tendency to rip my clothes off and take advantage of me, something for which I am immensely grateful, since the girl has some skills.

But she gets this magnificent blog to share her soul with the world. I gather some of you want to know about me, the enigmatic Mr X. Why, I have no idea, but allow me to indulge some of you.

I was born in London. It was a difficult birth because my mother was in Manchester at the time. I was raised by a pack of wolves until my youth. I was educated in the dreary school system that taught me that the correct answer is never the facts but what the teacher wants to hear. As a consequence, I managed to get an A in most subjects by writing my name and “How’s about it Miss?” on the front of most exam papers. Strangely, I did poorly in Media Studies. Mr Smith was obviously expecting me to put down actual answers.

Then I went to University in Oxford and instantly fell in love with the city. Sadly, society frowned upon marriage between a man and an urban area, so we had to just stay friends. I came away from my academic studies with a Masters in Wit, Charm and Cynicism. I also picked up a Doctorate in Trust Issues.

I now work as the boss of a shadowy organisation planning on world domination by turning the world’s brains to mush. That’s right; we are behind The X Factor, the Twilight saga and McDonalds.

The Honest Bitch and I met under auspicious circumstances. There I was, randomly spraying myself with two cans of Lynx on a beach, when an armada of women came galloping my way. However, no one was stopping The Honest Bitch, who battered through the crowd with the brutality of an ice hockey player. Little did I realise that she had studied such an art for some time.

So why aren’t we together? Well, I’m a man. Commitment breaks me out in a rash. We could be sex buddies but it would only lead to commitment and we wouldn’t be friends after the ugly break up, done via text message or a restraining order.

Some of you may have questions. Feel free to put them in the comments and those that The Honest Bitch really wants answering, I’m sure she’ll put them to me. The rest will probably end up on her Facebook page in some edited format!

Signing off,

Mr X


  1. Yeah. The charm and complete and utter douchebaggery. Or would it be chavvery for you British folks?

  2. That really should make me laugh but it did. Bad Maxwell lol And he's not a chav I promise. As for depends on the day

  3. Maxwell is just jealous. Mr. X sounds like a total sweetheart. I totally see why you like him so much.

  4. The guy is passing up a fuckfriend? Are you sure he's not gay?

  5. No, I'm not sure but I did just ask him and his reply was "no i'm not gay" So read into that what you will xo

  6. I may not agree with everything you say but I respect you. A lot of people blog the way you do to talk behind people's backs but it's clear you're not hiding what you have to say.

  7. So which one of you two are more likely to end up with the restraining order?

    You two sound like you should be together just do the world a favor and don't have any kids

  8. You two need to start dating and be sure to film it. You could have a hit show on your hands

  9. So he's cute, funny and a sweet talker? THB if I were you I'd seriously consider Maxwell's lobotomy idea

  10. It's clear you really care for her and her for you, is there any chance you two might give it trial and see what if anything blooms?

  11. I firmly believe that you two were made to ravish each other, and write witty, sarcastic, and brutally honest posts about the situation. I feel like I'm watching an intelligent, classy version of the Jeremy Kyle show...

    And if you do ever end up together, god help the world I say! It would be beautiful!

    Cannot wait to read more, I am in love with this blog already! Xx