Snap Goes The Bitch

I’m normally a fairly composed person, it takes a lot for me to lose it and when I do there are normally some fairly obvious warning signs I’m about to snap. However the other day there was no warning, I just snapped as if someone had flipped a switch and bam, I was gone.

Ever watch a show where someone is placed under hypnosis and they’re given a trigger word and with a simple little word a perfectly normal person is gone? It happened just like that, however I wouldn’t call myself normal and when I snap I talk at about 500 words a minute. Everyone who has seen me lose it tells me they want to applaud afterwards. I squeeze an hour’s worth of conversation into 5 minutes and the impressive part is it’s all coherent and minus all the 4 lettered words, appears to be fairly well thought out.

Here’s what happened I was on the phone talking to my GBFF (Dave) and I was telling him about this recurring dream I had 3 nights in a row. The short version of the dream is at midnight on New Years Eve; Mr. X gets down on one knee and asks his girlfriend to marry him.

We, ok I thought; maybe my brain knew something I didn’t. So Dave said to me “you and Mr. X have a good friendship why don’t you just ask him?” (It’s always so simple when someone else tells you what to do) So, I sent him a message on Facebook. When he replied.....that’s when I lost my shit.

Before I tell you what he said I need to give you a little back story. About a month ago Mr. X was flirting with me over Facebook and I can’t remember what he said and I’m too lazy to look but my reply was “you have a girlfriend for that”. At which point he told me they’re in an open relationship. It made no difference to me, that’s why I didn’t blog about it, I’m not interested but for my rant to make any sense you need that tidbit.

The reply he sent me was “no, got a gf, nowhere near getting engaged though” at which point I think my head spun around like something from the Exorcist. I lost it.

Here is a little of what came flying out of my mouth at a million miles an hour.

“Girlfriend!? What girlfriend!?! You’re in an open fucking relationship, that's just fuck-friends for people who have no guts. You’re too ashamed to say “this is the girl I’m causally fucking” so you put a pretty little title on it so people are ok with your casual sex. Call it what it is, fuss free fucking!”

At which point Dave said “bitter?”

“I’m not bitter with him; he’s free to do whatever he wants. I really don’t want any of that. Her on the hand....That bitch took my in. I’ve been mind fucking that man for years, laying the groundwork for fuck-friends knowing perfectly well it would lead to more and that bitch took my in. I did the hard work and put the time in and dealt with ALLLLL that crazy and that bitch stole my fucking work. She plagiarized my relationship!”

At which point I burst out laughing and Dave lost it. We both knew it was pointless and didn’t mean anything because I don’t want him anymore but that doesn’t make having your work stolen any less frustrating. It wasn’t about him, it was about my work. We must have laughed for 10 minutes straight. Once we regained our composure, Dave said “you done?” To which I said “Damn bitch, plagiarized my relationship.” And we started laughing all over again.

I’m sure his girlfriend (“girlfriend”) is lovely and blah da blah blah blah but sometimes a rant is in order and I felt amazing afterwards. But I have to ask; would you sleep with someone who was in an open relationship? Let me know in the comment box below and as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxoxo

Guest Post: An Open Letter From Mr.X

An open letter to The Honest Bitch and her loyal band of bitches,

The Honest Bitch is a curious creature. If you haven’t met her, then that is a shame for you because she is pretty thing with cute complexities and vulnerable virtues. I’ve met her, as you may have read. She has this tendency to rip my clothes off and take advantage of me, something for which I am immensely grateful, since the girl has some skills.

But she gets this magnificent blog to share her soul with the world. I gather some of you want to know about me, the enigmatic Mr X. Why, I have no idea, but allow me to indulge some of you.

I was born in London. It was a difficult birth because my mother was in Manchester at the time. I was raised by a pack of wolves until my youth. I was educated in the dreary school system that taught me that the correct answer is never the facts but what the teacher wants to hear. As a consequence, I managed to get an A in most subjects by writing my name and “How’s about it Miss?” on the front of most exam papers. Strangely, I did poorly in Media Studies. Mr Smith was obviously expecting me to put down actual answers.

Then I went to University in Oxford and instantly fell in love with the city. Sadly, society frowned upon marriage between a man and an urban area, so we had to just stay friends. I came away from my academic studies with a Masters in Wit, Charm and Cynicism. I also picked up a Doctorate in Trust Issues.

I now work as the boss of a shadowy organisation planning on world domination by turning the world’s brains to mush. That’s right; we are behind The X Factor, the Twilight saga and McDonalds.

The Honest Bitch and I met under auspicious circumstances. There I was, randomly spraying myself with two cans of Lynx on a beach, when an armada of women came galloping my way. However, no one was stopping The Honest Bitch, who battered through the crowd with the brutality of an ice hockey player. Little did I realise that she had studied such an art for some time.

So why aren’t we together? Well, I’m a man. Commitment breaks me out in a rash. We could be sex buddies but it would only lead to commitment and we wouldn’t be friends after the ugly break up, done via text message or a restraining order.

Some of you may have questions. Feel free to put them in the comments and those that The Honest Bitch really wants answering, I’m sure she’ll put them to me. The rest will probably end up on her Facebook page in some edited format!

Signing off,

Mr X

Dating

Every now and then I get the feeling I should start to date again. Then I go on a date and I quickly decide I’d rather die alone.

I stopped dating a while ago because of all the drama and headaches it caused. Let’s just say I haven’t been having the best of luck with British guys. They look all sweet and charming in the movies but let me tell you, in real life a large percentage of them are douche bags.

Not to mention a lot of them are liars too. I don’t have a problem with a purely sexual relationship. If you’re looking for a fuck-friend that’s fine by me, it saves me money on batteries. But be straight about. Don’t wrap you’re horniness up in a lie. Don’t pretend you want more then sex when you don’t. Just don’t be an ass.

NTB has made a big thing out of not playing games and I love him for that. If he has something to say he’ll come right out and say it. He takes all the guess work out of relationships and dating. I personally think there is a time and place for a little toying and flirting but on the whole I wish guys would follow his lead.

That’s kind of why I still keep Mr. X around. I love that he is so straight forward. There is no game play with him. He is what he is, take it or leave it. The difference is Mr. X does it in a jerk way and NTB does it in a way that doesn’t make you want to run him over with your car.....repeatedly.

Saying all that I still continue to flirt with Mr. X. What can I say; some people are just fun to flirt with. It’s not a I want to see him naked thing, it’s more of a he’s cute so why not thing. Flirting is good for you. It’s good for your health and your mood. (That may or may not be a scientific fact.)

I’m sure one day someone will come along who will change my mind on the whole dating thing but right now, I’m not interested. I’d rather have a peacefully life, with no drama.


As always my dears stay safe and don’t do anything I wouldn't do.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxoxo