I Ended My Career

Monday, July 12^th will go down in history as the day I committed career suicide, and while I am not okay, and I feel like a disappointment, I know it was the right decision for me at present. But right, sure as hell isn’t easy.

I’ve been on my shift pattern for over 6 years, and after the past couple of years, and more importantly, after the past 7 months I need that routine. It has remained my one sense of normality, the one consistent, and you sure can hell bet I am going to fight to keep that. I need that routine, it’s a large part of my coping mechanism. And it sucks, I don’t want to and shouldn’t have to explain that I am struggling. I am doing what I need to remain functioning. I am not okay, and I am painfully aware I still haven’t processed everything. But I have to keep moving, healing will come, but until it does, I have to protect my mental wellbeing.

That said, this sucks. I worked my ass off to get any sense of recognition, to get an opportunity.  Opportunities on nights are unheard of. And I have to pass it up. I am damn good at my job, and nobody knows everything I do, that’s how good I am. I am mad. This is so stupid. Here, have a promotion, but you have to completely swap on to the other set of 4. Why? This just sucks.

Anyways, I am off to get some sleep and try to chill out. As always, stay and play safe guys.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxo

I am Stressed

My stress levels lately have been through the roof, and for whatever reason, I haven’t been able to unwind completely so I’ve been constantly on edge for a while. Not sure if it’s because of this promotion I am working towards, that I am not going to get. Or because work has been so busy. But it’s just yucky at the moment.

Part of my destressing process is snuggles, and I am not getting that at the minute which isn’t helping matters. I am just all over the place. But fighting to hold it all together and put on a brave face.

Anyways, I am off to have a nap, because that’s the other thing I do when I’m stressed. How do you deal with stress? Let me know in the comments below. As always, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxo

Dating Sucks

The older I get the smaller my tolerance for dating is getting. Which I think is adding to the likelihood I’m going to end up alone with 70 cats. I used to be willing to overlook the odd red flag, now I have no patience for it. I want all the boxes ticked not just most of them.

For whatever reason men with kinks tend to be attracted to me and I am not game. I am not even pretend game these days. I am fairly standard and no, which no. Why can’t they just be normal? I was chatting to one the other day, seemed normal and it turned out he had a bellybutton fetish, what the heck?  Why? And that isn’t the first.

Anyways I need to go and get a little rest before I go back to work tomorrow. What’s the strangest kink you’ve come across? Let me know in the comments below.  And as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxo

Bye Lawyer Dude

My ongoing tread of dating emotionally unavailable man continues. Lawyer dude and I called things off this evening. He wasn’t ready to date…. Who said history doesn’t repeat itself eh?

It sucks, it hurts, and once again I am left in tears after some guy uses me as a fucking lab rat to test the waters. I’d love to be bitter and angry right now, but I am not. I am just sad.  It hurts, I clearly liked him a lot more than I realized. But whatever, as I have come to accept my feelings are irrelevant. So, suck it up, and move on.

I wish him nothing, but the best. I am sure he’ll find what he’s looking for, it’s just not me. And I am ok with that, I have to be.

I am going to go cry myself to sleep and hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

As always, my dears, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxo

Hugh Hangout

Last night I got to hang out with Hugh for the first time in about 6 months and it was nice, as I always say, hanging out with him is easy. It makes a change to just have a giggle and be silly and not have to think about other things. It was also nice that nothing had changed despite us being in different places now. I was a little worried about that.

The reason he came over is that my hair needed cutting and I trust nobody. My mom normally trimmed it up for me, but since that can’t happen now, I needed a hand. Knowing Hugh’s personally I was pretty sure he’d do a good job, and he did. I am pleased. Also, glad I judged that right could have ended badly.

It was a little weird and I didn’t clock it when we planned it, but it was actually my mom’s birthday. Seemed kind of fitting. It was a nice evening anyway, super chilled and laid back. Felt nice to zone out for a while.

Please don’t get me wrong, Hugh and I are quite different, and we have different morals and views. We aren’t all bubble gum and unicorns, but we somehow manage to put it aside when we hang out and just have fun.

Anyways it’s 10am and I have to be up for work in 4 hours. Let me know, would you let an ex cut your hair? Let me know your thoughts in the comments below. And as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxo

...

I am struggling to just sit and write, not because I have nothing to say but because I have been so stressed and out of my routine. I am struggling to sit and let my feelings and words flow. I am in survival mode. That said I didn’t want to skip a week. We know what breaks tend to hard to return from. That said I’ll be back next week with my normal content.

You guys are the best

Love,

The Honest Bitch

Questioning Everything

Have you ever been at the point of life where you’re questioning everything? Your dating choices, your living situation, you’re work-life; basically, your no longer sure of anything? That’s where I am right now.

I was getting ready to move out before my stepdad's diagnosis and I’ve had to put that on hold while things are found out. I am feeling rather stuck. I spent so long looking after my mom and now this. I am feeling like my life is constantly being put on hold to look after others. I know it’s the right thing to do and it's what I should be doing. It doesn’t make it suck any less. I am 34 now, my hopes of a family of my own are slipping away. 

Dating just sucks. Lawyer Dude is a dead end and I know it. I am not about to change it right now, but the thing whole thing is a giant waste of time. Plus the amount of baggage he carries just isn’t for me. I knew I didn’t want a guy who had kids, this confirms that. I worried I wouldn’t be a priority, hell I am not even a consideration.  

Work is actually ok. I am good at my job. No, it’s not always sunshine and rainbows, but it isn’t horrible all the time either. My issue is promotion. There is a carrot being dangled and I don’t like it. I will not be getting the promotion, I know where it’s going, we all do. So why dangle it? The thing is, I always want to do my best. Put my best foot forward, and in this role, that’s very hard work. And it’s hard work for, what will be nothing. Part of me wants to just throw the towel in and walk away, but my pride won’t allow it.

Anyways, this is my last day off before I head back to work, so I am going to go enjoy it, and by enjoying it I mean I am going to go take a nap. Thank you for letting me vent. As always my dears, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxo

Hugh Ruined My Expectations Of Men

I fucking hate Hugh, why did that twat make things so damn easy? Why is he a recent reminder, that dating, and relationship doesn’t need to feel like work? Why, did the emotionally unavailable twat-bag have to be so comforting and basically be a master class in how things should be done? 

…. I mean right up to the breakup and then slowly cutting me out of his life.

Hugh is basically the opposite of Lawyer Dude. Lawyer Dude is selfish. He never asks how I am. He never sends a message first. He gets moody when he deems, I am not there for him, but I spent my birthday alone, in tears with zero concern from him. He’s hard work and seems to be only interested in one thing.

It’s so bad, when I found out about my Stepdad, it was Hugh I wanted to call not him. Actually, he still doesn’t know. He doesn’t ask about me and I’m not about to offer up anything. 

I know I shouldn’t compare, and Hugh has moved on, he recently changed our WhatsApp name, which solidified that.  That door is closed. But, damn universe, you’re bitch sometimes. 

Emotionally stable, respectable career, with goals and his life somewhat together, if that really too much to ask? Because fucking hell, it’s starting to feel like it is. I am all for compromise and all that but settling, not so much.

Anyways, I am off to slowly bang my head against a wall and pray for something to fall into place. As always let me know your thoughts in the comments below. And stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxo

My First Birthday Without Her

This past week was my birthday and to be completely honest, it was horrible. I didn’t expect it to be as hard as it was. I fell completely apart at midnight and stayed a weepy mess until 1 o'clock. I wanted my mom, that’s all I wanted. It was strange and painful, she had been there for 33 years, she was there at minute 0, having a milestone without her was unbearable and hurt so much.

It didn’t get any better as the day went on. I spent the day alone, in bed crying. It was probably the hardest day I’ve had. I assumed her birthday would be hard, I hadn’t given mine much thought and I guess in hindsight it makes sense, I just wasn’t prepared and it really caught me off guard.

It’s now a couple days later, and I am feeling more myself and I am not such a mess and I have regained some composure. I am hoping that melt-down isn’t a yearly thing because…. Yikes, I don’t think I can do that again. I am very glad I wasn’t working.

Anyways, I am going to go before my eyes start leaking again. I just wanted to get my thoughts down. I googled how I was feeling, never do that by the way, I didn’t see a lot. It was all about celebrating their birthday and I wanted anyone else who is feeling the same way I did. To know it’s ok and normal, and understandable. Anyways, as always, my dears, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxo

Nothing

I am trying very hard to stay up to date with my blog, while not feeling super good, or right or sable and clearly, I am failing a little bit. I am sorry.  Am on holiday from work this week, so I am going to try and get a little ahead, so I am not scrambling and struggling last minute. So bear with me this week. This is a nothing post. But I know if I don’t post I’ll take a much longer break so nothing post it is.

Anyways, I am off to get some sleep. As always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

Life Update

Sorry, this post is a little late, but I had my 2^nd Covid vaccine and I have been so sleepy, it’s unreal. I fell asleep while trying out of bed that’s how tired I was. Luckily, I am starting to feel better now.

I guess we should have a quick, very quick chat about why I am struggling for word and didn’t want to last week. So, my stepdad was diagnosed with cancer last week. We don’t have a lot of answers right now. They found a lump, however that lump was secondary. They haven’t found the primary source yet and it's scary. The fact it’s already spread isn’t great.

I am still processing things and I am still not very talkative, but I’ll get there. But I just wanted to fill you guys in. Always, my dear, as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

We Met

I feel like I should have a lot to write, but I really don’t. Lawyer Dude and I finally met up last, week and it was good. He was handsy very quickly, which gave me a flashback to Hugh. But it was good.  I am glad we finally managed to meet up. And we’re still talking so, that’s a plus.

He was a total sweetheart, however a little forward. However, made me feel comfortable. It was a good evening for sure. Just haven’t got my thoughts together yet.

Sorry things post is such nothing post. I am just not with it right now. As always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxo

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Will We?

This whole “dating” thing is just a giant headache, and I am very close to being over the whole thing again. My holiday from work is almost over and Lawyer Dude and I still haven’t met. We should have met on the 17^th but allegedly he was under the weather, so we canceled. I am not sure if it was sickness or nervousness, but either way, it did happen.

We have rescheduled, kind of. We had already rescheduled once and that fell through also, so I am not holding my breath on this new date. This one is weird. I am going to go around his after his daughter leaves. So, I’ll be going over at like 9pm. This feels a little seedy, but I want this date out of the way, so I am down.

We’ve been talking since February, and I need to know if this is something or not. I need to thank you next already or move this show along. I am getting impatient in my old age. I hate that this date feels high pressure, but I am sure it’ll be ok. I just need to know.

Anyways, I need to go and have a nap. This holiday life is hard work. Let me know your thoughts in the comments below. And as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxo

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Still Not OK

Does anyone else have those moments where if they stop and are completely still, they can actually hear the voice inside their head screaming? Oh… it’s just me, good to know. I am not sure what is up with me, but I can seem to find any sort of Zen at all at the moment.

It’s gotten so bad, that when the voice in my head is muted, my body isn’t. I constantly feel like I am 30  seconds away from a panic attack. I’d like to say I don’t understand what is happening, but I have a fair idea, it’s more that I don’t want to deal with it and clearly, my brain and body aren’t accepting “no” as an answer.

This is the first time I’ve been off work in 6 months, and we all know what happened last time I was on holiday from work. I didn’t think it would affect me this much, but clearly, I was wrong. I know I haven’t worked through everything yet. Hell, I'm doubtful I have actually allowed myself to work through any of it. But you need to keep moving right? My mom wouldn’t want me dwelling on things, she’d want me out there kicking ass.

I need to stop this here, my eyes are leaking, and my nose is joying in, it is far too early to ugly cry. As always, let me know your thoughts in the comments below, and stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxo

Nervous

As things move closer and closer to Lawyer Dude and I finally meeting, the more nervous I get. I am starting to worry we’ve waited too long to meet, and expectations are too high. I don’t wait to disappoint him. And the longer we wait the more my nerves grow.

I am on holiday after my next set of 4, so I expect we will sort something then. Lockdown restrictions also ease so that should make things a lot easier. Although the thought of us meeting has my tummy in knots.

He doesn’t help matters either, rather than trying to be comforting or put my mind at ease he’s reaction to me being nervous has been “suck it up”. Just repeating to me that it’ll be ok. Like, dude, I know it will be ok, but at least try to help matters when I am not feeling my best. But I guess we will see what happens.

Anyways, I am off to get some rest before I head back to work tomorrow. Let me know your thoughts in the comments below. And as always, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxo

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Lawyer Dude Red Flags

I am currently in dating hell. Lawyer Dude both ticks a lot of my boxes and ticks all my red flag, run away now boxes. I didn’t think that was possible, but it’s 2021 bitches and we’ve entered a new level of hell.

Let’s start with the divorce, he got served the papers the other day and he didn’t take it well. Like I get that it’s the end of something, you were together 17 years and it sucks. But if you’re doing to take it that poorly. Maybe don’t date yet. I took time off after Mr. X and it was the smartest thing I ever did. There is no harm or shame in taking time off to regroup. 

The next issue is the child. I have always been against dating someone with a child. I think it would be exceedingly difficult to not have that time being the other person's everything. Not having that foundation, seems like being set up for failure. I am not saying it’s impossible but difficult. And I am too fucking old to want to deal with outside factors.

Like Lawyer Dude doesn’t have me by my name in his phone because of his daughter, he doesn’t want to explain things. Which is cool, I don’t want to be explained. However, I don’t like the fact I need to be hidden.

Speaking of things I dislike, he lied about his age. he's actually 40, not 39.  Which isn't a deal-breaker, but why lie? 

But, like I said, he’s a sweetheart, really caring, funny. Has a good respectable job. For the most part, he has his shit together. But holy red flags Batman.

I don’t know what to do. I am just letting it ride for now and we will see what happens. 

Anyways, I am off to do all those day off things. Let me know your thoughts in the comments below. As always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxo

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Not Meeting The Standard

I may have given in and messaged Hugh. I didn’t want to, but he’d been on my mind a lot recently and I just needed to for my own sanity.  It kind of pisses me off, he is still easy to talk to, there is no effort there and that sucks. It’s a reminder of what is possible.

This all comes as Lawyer Dude seems to be fizzling out. He is starting to take effort and I am not ok with that. I want things to flow and feel natural and right now, it doesn’t feel that way at all. And yes, there are a million reasons why, but when I compare it to Hugh, why am I dealing with the million reasons why?

This dude is ruining my dating life. He set a standard without trying and now I am struggling to find anyone who measures up to his standard. Who knew meeting a good guy would cause me all these problems?

Anyways, I am off to tidy up and work on finding a new human to keep me company. Let me know your thoughts in the comments below. And as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxo

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Lawyer Dude

I mentioned a few posts ago, I was talking a new guy and I’d fill you in soon. I am still not sure I’ll be keeping with him around, but I figured I may as well fill you in now because if I do get rid of him, I probably won’t want to talk about him.

As I am guessing you have worked out, he is a lawyer, and I will be calling him Lawyer Dude in the blog because…. I am struggling to remember names. He is 39 from Manchester and that’s where the positives stop. Don’t get me wrong, he is lovely and sweet and cute, but not my normal style if you will. He also starts with 2 massive strikes against him. He is divorced and has a child. I am not okay with either of those facts.

Lawyer Dude is a smart decision, he has his shit together. Good job, own place. It’s smart. The cost being an ex-wife and a child. Can I overlook this? I honestly don’t know. And I have decided not to worry about it until we meet in person and see how we click. At that point, I either like him enough to overlook the normal deal-breakers, or I won’t.

This isn’t ideal, at all, but I am in a place where my brain is in a fuck it zone. And smart decisions are better than butterflies. I tried butterflies…. It didn’t work out well.

Anyways, I am off to have a nap. Let me know your thoughts in the comments before. As always, you lovely people, stay and play safe.

 

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

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Nothing To Write About

 

I have no clue what to write about. It’s Thursday night, I need to have a post-up in a few hours and my mind is blank. I have had a very routine week; nothing notes worthy I feel the need to talk about. I could write about the guy I am talking to, but I don’t want to yet. My mind is in two places with that. He doesn’t compare to Hugh, but Hugh isn’t a thing anymore so why compare. Once I deal with that we will talk.

For now, I think I am going to just leave this as a half-assed post and fingers crossed next week is better. As always, my dear, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

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I Miss Hugh

I am missing Hugh a lot right now, I actually cried last night thinking about him. That guy has his problems, but he always had a calming effect on me. I always smiled around him. We had fun together. And I really miss that. I was going to reach out to him, but I can’t keep doing that. I need him to put a tiny bit of effort in. Things can’t be this one-sided. And it hurts.

It sucks, I want to hang out with my friend, I want to just be without having to put on an act. It sucks that it can’t be that way right now. I just have to smile and have some faith that things will work out how they should and despite the fact I may not understand it, it is all for the best.

Anyways my eyes are leaking so I am going to go and do a face mask, and just chill out for a bit. As always my dears, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

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2021 Dates So Far

 Let’s talk dating, I have had 2 dates this year, neither of which went well. I’ve was on a mission to prove to myself I wasn’t hung up on Hugh and that even if he decided to ghost me, I’d be fine.

The first date was, fine. He was a doctor, everything was very Covid safe. We kept our distance and went on a walk. There just wasn’t a spark. To be honest, there wasn’t a spark before I agreed to the date, I just needed to prove to myself I could date.

The second date, on the other hand, was dicey. I make poor decisions when I am dealing with things I can’t control. I’ve apparently gotten better at recognizing this because I took steps to get out of the situation, but it wasn’t smart. I went around a guy’s house, after being pressured into the date and things felt off straight away. We watched tv and I played with his dog. He then pulled me in to cuddle. Which was…. Ok. However, his hand was resting just below my neck. So, he had one arm around me and the other resting on my upper chest right at the base of my neck. I would move to try and get him to shift his hand and it didn’t work, he kept putting it back there. I managed to use the dog as a distraction and got up to play with it. I soon after made an excuse and left. But the whole thing felt dangerous.

And all for nothing, I wasn’t into the guy. It was stupid.

Anyways I am off to hopefully make less silly decisions. What was your biggest dating mistake? Let me know in the comments below. As always, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

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Online Dating

 

Let me start this post by saying I haven’t slept with anyone since Hugh, hell I haven’t even slept with myself since Hugh. I haven’t kissed anyone else or even hugged anyone else. So hopefully that disclaimer will prevent any speculation and answer any questions you may have.

Over recent weeks I’ve been slowly dipping my toes back into the online dating scene.  For the record, I still hate it and dying alone doesn’t sound that bad. But I have met some interesting humans and I thought I’d share them with you, because when life gives you lemons…. Turn it into a blog and make a few cents from your misfortune.

 Let’s start with stomach guy who started off seemingly normal, but then started requesting photos of my tummy. Each to their own, but I’ll pass.

Then we have the dude who blocked me when he found out I am Canadian. I have sent our chat logs to Tyler to confirm nothing else happened that I missed. He has confirmed no, he blocked me for being Canadian. That is a first.

Then, we have the piece de resistance. Pepper Boy. He has a kink, that involved filling a face mask with pepper and sneezing. What the actual fuck. Again, a guy who seemed normal and just… wow. He asked me to voice message him saying “sneeze for me”. I might need therapy after that.

So, in case you’re thinking about online dating…. Don’t do it. It’s not worth it.

Anyways, I am off to get some sleep. As always, my dears. Stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xo

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Another Valentine's Day

 

Happy early Valentine’s Day you lovely people. I am spending another year alone and I am ok with it. I was hoping to hangout with Hugh, but I am at a loss for what is happening there and, to be honest, I am sick of trying to figure it out. I am here when and if he wants to talk, but I am not chasing anymore.

The funny thing is I ordered him Valentine’s day plant at the beginning of January, so he will still get that. And given where we are now, the card may read rather sarcastic. I was sweet at the time but hasn’t aged well.

I have no hard feelings towards him, he was perfect for what I needed when he came into my life. I am sad if our friendship is over, but that’s not something I can control. The door is open, and he knows where to find me. I just hope he is ok.

As for me, I am good. I have a few new dating site stories to update you on, because wow, I am going to die alone, and if that’s all that’s left out there…. bring it on.

But I am going to leave this here for now as I am writing this on Super Bowl Sunday and I have football to watch. As always stay and play safe.

The Honest Bitch 

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Dating

I would seem curious minds would like to know what the dating situation is given Hugh being a thing. First of all, we’re currently in a national lockdown so dating isn’t easily done in the current climate. It’s not impossible, but definitely not advisable. Second, Hugh isn’t a factor. He made his feelings and or intent clear, he wants to be friends and I am good with that. I never say never, but that ball is way out of my court and not something for me to dwell on. What will be will be. 

That said Hugh has made my dating life more difficult in the most convoluted way ever. I already had high standards, as I kind of like being single. He has made things worse. Because things are so easy with him, and it doesn’t feel like work, everything I start talking to someone, I quickly eliminated them when things aren’t at that level of ease. My standards may now be completely unachievable.

Not that they’re set that high, really. I just don’t feel the urge to compromise. All I want is a guy with a respectable job, a guy who has his life somewhat together, no kids, and to be somewhat of a gentleman. The list isn’t that unreasonable. And then the obvious I get along with them and actually like being around them. Surely that isn’t too much to ask. I mean, I hate most people and guys are inherently… less than gentlemanly like so maybe I am just completely screwed.

Anyway, I am off to try not to think about any of this. Let me know your dating must-haves are in the comments below and as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxo 

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Blah

I am in a weird place right now, and lockdown isn’t helping. I feel fine, but I am not. I am not looking after myself, I am not eating correctly or daily for that matter, I am not showering and doing skincare when I am off work. I am just sleeping or trying to. I am shutting down and while that is helpful a little bit, it’s not healthy long term.

I am really missing Hugh’s stupid face right now. He’s the level of human I can tolerate. When things were really bad, I was leaning on our “friend dates” to keep motivated. It was a reason to shower, eat, look after myself. It was a reward for making it through the week. I haven’t had that regularly for a while and that shift hasn’t been seamless.

Don’t get me wrong, I know I’ll get there. I will bounce back. I am a stubborn bitch, who cannot and will be kept down. It’s just… not pleasant. And things are ickier than I’d like. I miss the stress melting cuddles. That’s a scientific fact, not me being mushy for the record.

Anyways, my eyes are leaking, and that shit needs to stop. I am back to the only breaking down in my car and shower rule. Let me know, your coping mechanisms and thoughts in the comments below. And hopefully next week we can get back to more juicy and less feelingy posts. As always, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxo 

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Hugh's Turn

 It seems just as I am starting to feel better, it’s Hugh’s turn to not be ok. And while it’s perfectly fine to not be ok, I don’t know how to best help him. Unlike me, he doesn’t come with a manual. I don’t know if he needs me to show up with food or go away. I don’t know if he needs a phone call or to be left alone. I know when I am off, I need plans and for people to pull me in even if I pull away. I just don’t know with him.

What I have been doing, and all I feel like I can do is the small things I enjoy and hope they happen to bring a smile to his face as well. Sending morning texts, sending funny imagines, and trying to be positive and smiley and hoping it rubs off.

Not sure it’s working, but all I can do is try right? I hate when he’s down. He’s been so good at cheering me up, without even trying. I hope, somehow, I can return the favour.

Anyway, I have to go get ready to collect my mother’s ashes which I am not looking forward to. As always my dears, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxo

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Feeling Better

 Last Saturday Hugh and I had a last-minute “friend date”. We went on a walk and talked before I headed off to work. And personally, it was just what I needed to snap out of whatever funk I was in. I am not sure why, but he has an adept ability to make things feel less… much.

I feel a lot better talking with him as he seems to have a lot of the same idiosyncrasies I have. It’s nice not having to explain myself, as he just gets it. He made a comment earlier this week about feeling alone, but also not wanting to be around people. And that’s my feeling 90% of the time and it was weird to hear someone else say it. I thought that was just a me thing.

Anyways, I need to go and get ready for work. I just wanted to update you and let you all know I am ok. As always, my dears, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxo

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Pulling Away

 Let me start this post by saying I am ok. There was a little concern after my last post, which I completely understand, but there is no need to worry. I may not be in a good place, but I am not in a bad place either.

I am in a place, where my instinct is to pull away, insolate and take control. Which, if history is anything to go back, means fall in bed with someone I shouldn’t, maybe start a relationship with someone who isn’t relationship material. Basically, do something that will cause me emotional pain, because that’s within my control. Once again, being a blogger sucks, because I am fully aware of my tendencies and have a self-understanding, most people don’t have. Doesn’t stop me from being an idiot, just makes me painfully aware of how stupid I am being.  

Which brings me to Hugh, who, I don’t know. The last time I pulled away, he texted me and made plans which was sweet and what I needed, and I instantly felt better. It doesn’t take a lot. This time, I don’t know. I went into this with no walls, and I am starting to retroactively build them. Time will tell how things play out and which side of the wall he ends up on.

Anyways, my eyes are starting to get watery, so I am going to stop before they leak. As always, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxo

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A New Year

 2020 is officially over, and 2021 is here. Traditionally, this is the time of year where a lot of reflection is done. To be honest, I am trying not to do that right now. I am ending 2020 feeling like a complete failure and I don’t know why.

I gave myself grace early on about not achieving the goals I set out this year. It was a pandemic after all. I had reasonable expectations. I am not sure where the sense of failure is rooted or what can be done about it.

I am going into 2021 struggling. I am fighting to stay level-headed right now. Part of me wants to do something stupid, call an ex, sleep with a stranger, do something irresponsible that won’t end well. The other part of me wants to drive my car off the motorway, or the urge tonight was to stop in the middle of the motorway. I can’t really explain it, but that was my thought process. Don’t worry, I would never hurt myself… physically anyway. We all know emotionally screwing myself if much more my style. Place your bets now. My money is on a Mr. X appearance.

I was going to set goals for 2021 like I normally would but, to be honest, I think the only goal is to survive. Fuck thriving, I just want to make it through 2021 in one piece. The bar couldn’t be much lower.

Anyway, I am going to go to bed because hibernation is safe. As always, my dears, stay and play safe. And have a good start to the new year.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

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