Friday, 5 March 2021

I Miss Hugh


I am missing Hugh a lot right now, I actually cried last night thinking about him. That guy has his problems, but he always had a calming effect on me. I always smiled around him. We had fun together. And I really miss that. I was going to reach out to him, but I can’t keep doing that. I need him to put a tiny bit of effort in. Things can’t be this one-sided. And it hurts.

It sucks, I want to hang out with my friend, I want to just be without having to put on an act. It sucks that it can’t be that way right now. I just have to smile and have some faith that things will work out how they should and despite the fact I may not understand it, it is all for the best.

Anyways my eyes are leaking so I am going to go and do a face mask, and just chill out for a bit. As always my dears, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

Friday, 26 February 2021

2021 Dates So Far


 Let’s talk dating, I have had 2 dates this year, neither of which went well. I’ve was on a mission to prove to myself I wasn’t hung up on Hugh and that even if he decided to ghost me, I’d be fine.

The first date was, fine. He was a doctor, everything was very Covid safe. We kept our distance and went on a walk. There just wasn’t a spark. To be honest, there wasn’t a spark before I agreed to the date, I just needed to prove to myself I could date.

The second date, on the other hand, was dicey. I make poor decisions when I am dealing with things I can’t control. I’ve apparently gotten better at recognizing this because I took steps to get out of the situation, but it wasn’t smart. I went around a guy’s house, after being pressured into the date and things felt off straight away. We watched tv and I played with his dog. He then pulled me in to cuddle. Which was…. Ok. However, his hand was resting just below my neck. So, he had one arm around me and the other resting on my upper chest right at the base of my neck. I would move to try and get him to shift his hand and it didn’t work, he kept putting it back there. I managed to use the dog as a distraction and got up to play with it. I soon after made an excuse and left. But the whole thing felt dangerous.

And all for nothing, I wasn’t into the guy. It was stupid.

Anyways I am off to hopefully make less silly decisions. What was your biggest dating mistake? Let me know in the comments below. As always, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

Friday, 19 February 2021

Online Dating

 


Let me start this post by saying I haven’t slept with anyone since Hugh, hell I haven’t even slept with myself since Hugh. I haven’t kissed anyone else or even hugged anyone else. So hopefully that disclaimer will prevent any speculation and answer any questions you may have.

Over recent weeks I’ve been slowly dipping my toes back into the online dating scene.  For the record, I still hate it and dying alone doesn’t sound that bad. But I have met some interesting humans and I thought I’d share them with you, because when life gives you lemons…. Turn it into a blog and make a few cents from your misfortune.

 Let’s start with stomach guy who started off seemingly normal, but then started requesting photos of my tummy. Each to their own, but I’ll pass.

Then we have the dude who blocked me when he found out I am Canadian. I have sent our chat logs to Tyler to confirm nothing else happened that I missed. He has confirmed no, he blocked me for being Canadian. That is a first.

Then, we have the piece de resistance. Pepper Boy. He has a kink, that involved filling a face mask with pepper and sneezing. What the actual fuck. Again, a guy who seemed normal and just… wow. He asked me to voice message him saying “sneeze for me”. I might need therapy after that.

So, in case you’re thinking about online dating…. Don’t do it. It’s not worth it.

Anyways, I am off to get some sleep. As always, my dears. Stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xo

Friday, 12 February 2021

Another Valentine's Day

 


Happy early Valentine’s Day you lovely people. I am spending another year alone and I am ok with it. I was hoping to hangout with Hugh, but I am at a loss for what is happening there and, to be honest, I am sick of trying to figure it out. I am here when and if he wants to talk, but I am not chasing anymore.

The funny thing is I ordered him Valentine’s day plant at the beginning of January, so he will still get that. And given where we are now, the card may read rather sarcastic. I was sweet at the time but hasn’t aged well.

I have no hard feelings towards him, he was perfect for what I needed when he came into my life. I am sad if our friendship is over, but that’s not something I can control. The door is open, and he knows where to find me. I just hope he is ok.

As for me, I am good. I have a few new dating site stories to update you on, because wow, I am going to die alone, and if that’s all that’s left out there…. bring it on.

But I am going to leave this here for now as I am writing this on Super Bowl Sunday and I have football to watch. As always stay and play safe.

The Honest Bitch 

Friday, 5 February 2021

Dating


I would seem curious minds would like to know what the dating situation is given Hugh being a thing. First of all, we’re currently in a national lockdown so dating isn’t easily done in the current climate. It’s not impossible, but definitely not advisable. Second, Hugh isn’t a factor. He made his feelings and or intent clear, he wants to be friends and I am good with that. I never say never, but that ball is way out of my court and not something for me to dwell on. What will be will be. 

That said Hugh has made my dating life more difficult in the most convoluted way ever. I already had high standards, as I kind of like being single. He has made things worse. Because things are so easy with him, and it doesn’t feel like work, everything I start talking to someone, I quickly eliminated them when things aren’t at that level of ease. My standards may now be completely unachievable.

Not that they’re set that high, really. I just don’t feel the urge to compromise. All I want is a guy with a respectable job, a guy who has his life somewhat together, no kids, and to be somewhat of a gentleman. The list isn’t that unreasonable. And then the obvious I get along with them and actually like being around them. Surely that isn’t too much to ask. I mean, I hate most people and guys are inherently… less than gentlemanly like so maybe I am just completely screwed.

Anyway, I am off to try not to think about any of this. Let me know your dating must-haves are in the comments below and as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxo 

Friday, 29 January 2021

Blah


I am in a weird place right now, and lockdown isn’t helping. I feel fine, but I am not. I am not looking after myself, I am not eating correctly or daily for that matter, I am not showering and doing skincare when I am off work. I am just sleeping or trying to. I am shutting down and while that is helpful a little bit, it’s not healthy long term.

I am really missing Hugh’s stupid face right now. He’s the level of human I can tolerate. When things were really bad, I was leaning on our “friend dates” to keep motivated. It was a reason to shower, eat, look after myself. It was a reward for making it through the week. I haven’t had that regularly for a while and that shift hasn’t been seamless.


Don’t get me wrong, I know I’ll get there. I will bounce back. I am a stubborn bitch, who cannot and will be kept down. It’s just… not pleasant. And things are ickier than I’d like. I miss the stress melting cuddles. That’s a scientific fact, not me being mushy for the record.

Anyways, my eyes are leaking, and that shit needs to stop. I am back to the only breaking down in my car and shower rule. Let me know, your coping mechanisms and thoughts in the comments below. And hopefully next week we can get back to more juicy and less feelingy posts. As always, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxo 

Friday, 22 January 2021

Hugh's Turn


 It seems just as I am starting to feel better, it’s Hugh’s turn to not be ok. And while it’s perfectly fine to not be ok, I don’t know how to best help him. Unlike me, he doesn’t come with a manual. I don’t know if he needs me to show up with food or go away. I don’t know if he needs a phone call or to be left alone. I know when I am off, I need plans and for people to pull me in even if I pull away. I just don’t know with him.

What I have been doing, and all I feel like I can do is the small things I enjoy and hope they happen to bring a smile to his face as well. Sending morning texts, sending funny imagines, and trying to be positive and smiley and hoping it rubs off.

Not sure it’s working, but all I can do is try right? I hate when he’s down. He’s been so good at cheering me up, without even trying. I hope, somehow, I can return the favour.

Anyway, I have to go get ready to collect my mother’s ashes which I am not looking forward to. As always my dears, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxo

Friday, 15 January 2021

Feeling Better


 Last Saturday Hugh and I had a last-minute “friend date”. We went on a walk and talked before I headed off to work. And personally, it was just what I needed to snap out of whatever funk I was in. I am not sure why, but he has an adept ability to make things feel less… much.

I feel a lot better talking with him as he seems to have a lot of the same idiosyncrasies I have. It’s nice not having to explain myself, as he just gets it. He made a comment earlier this week about feeling alone, but also not wanting to be around people. And that’s my feeling 90% of the time and it was weird to hear someone else say it. I thought that was just a me thing.

Anyways, I need to go and get ready for work. I just wanted to update you and let you all know I am ok. As always, my dears, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxo

Friday, 8 January 2021

Pulling Away


 Let me start this post by saying I am ok. There was a little concern after my last post, which I completely understand, but there is no need to worry. I may not be in a good place, but I am not in a bad place either.

I am in a place, where my instinct is to pull away, insolate and take control. Which, if history is anything to go back, means fall in bed with someone I shouldn’t, maybe start a relationship with someone who isn’t relationship material. Basically, do something that will cause me emotional pain, because that’s within my control. Once again, being a blogger sucks, because I am fully aware of my tendencies and have a self-understanding, most people don’t have. Doesn’t stop me from being an idiot, just makes me painfully aware of how stupid I am being.  

Which brings me to Hugh, who, I don’t know. The last time I pulled away, he texted me and made plans which was sweet and what I needed, and I instantly felt better. It doesn’t take a lot. This time, I don’t know. I went into this with no walls, and I am starting to retroactively build them. Time will tell how things play out and which side of the wall he ends up on.

Anyways, my eyes are starting to get watery, so I am going to stop before they leak. As always, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxo

Friday, 1 January 2021

A New Year


 2020 is officially over, and 2021 is here. Traditionally, this is the time of year where a lot of reflection is done. To be honest, I am trying not to do that right now. I am ending 2020 feeling like a complete failure and I don’t know why.

I gave myself grace early on about not achieving the goals I set out this year. It was a pandemic after all. I had reasonable expectations. I am not sure where the sense of failure is rooted or what can be done about it.

I am going into 2021 struggling. I am fighting to stay level-headed right now. Part of me wants to do something stupid, call an ex, sleep with a stranger, do something irresponsible that won’t end well. The other part of me wants to drive my car off the motorway, or the urge tonight was to stop in the middle of the motorway. I can’t really explain it, but that was my thought process. Don’t worry, I would never hurt myself… physically anyway. We all know emotionally screwing myself if much more my style. Place your bets now. My money is on a Mr. X appearance.

I was going to set goals for 2021 like I normally would but, to be honest, I think the only goal is to survive. Fuck thriving, I just want to make it through 2021 in one piece. The bar couldn’t be much lower.

Anyway, I am going to go to bed because hibernation is safe. As always, my dears, stay and play safe. And have a good start to the new year.

Love,

The Honest Bitch