My First Birthday Without Her

This past week was my birthday and to be completely honest, it was horrible. I didn’t expect it to be as hard as it was. I fell completely apart at midnight and stayed a weepy mess until 1 o'clock. I wanted my mom, that’s all I wanted. It was strange and painful, she had been there for 33 years, she was there at minute 0, having a milestone without her was unbearable and hurt so much.

It didn’t get any better as the day went on. I spent the day alone, in bed crying. It was probably the hardest day I’ve had. I assumed her birthday would be hard, I hadn’t given mine much thought and I guess in hindsight it makes sense, I just wasn’t prepared and it really caught me off guard.

It’s now a couple days later, and I am feeling more myself and I am not such a mess and I have regained some composure. I am hoping that melt-down isn’t a yearly thing because…. Yikes, I don’t think I can do that again. I am very glad I wasn’t working.

Anyways, I am going to go before my eyes start leaking again. I just wanted to get my thoughts down. I googled how I was feeling, never do that by the way, I didn’t see a lot. It was all about celebrating their birthday and I wanted anyone else who is feeling the same way I did. To know it’s ok and normal, and understandable. Anyways, as always, my dears, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxo

Still Not OK

Does anyone else have those moments where if they stop and are completely still, they can actually hear the voice inside their head screaming? Oh… it’s just me, good to know. I am not sure what is up with me, but I can seem to find any sort of Zen at all at the moment.

It’s gotten so bad, that when the voice in my head is muted, my body isn’t. I constantly feel like I am 30  seconds away from a panic attack. I’d like to say I don’t understand what is happening, but I have a fair idea, it’s more that I don’t want to deal with it and clearly, my brain and body aren’t accepting “no” as an answer.

This is the first time I’ve been off work in 6 months, and we all know what happened last time I was on holiday from work. I didn’t think it would affect me this much, but clearly, I was wrong. I know I haven’t worked through everything yet. Hell, I'm doubtful I have actually allowed myself to work through any of it. But you need to keep moving right? My mom wouldn’t want me dwelling on things, she’d want me out there kicking ass.

I need to stop this here, my eyes are leaking, and my nose is joying in, it is far too early to ugly cry. As always, let me know your thoughts in the comments below, and stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxo

Not Feeling 2019

Happy new year, you beautiful people. I wish I was starting this year in my normal happy, cheery way. I typicality live for the holiday season, It’s my favourite time of year. But I am not going to lie, this year it’s been tough. As much as I try to put a smile on and pretend everything is fine…It’s not and it’s likely not going to be.

We found out not long before Christmas my mom has a clot in her fistula and she’ll need surgery, again. Her latest tests showed her kidney function is down to 8 percent. She’s putting on a brave face, like always, but I can tell she’s scared. And I’m trying to only fall apart when I’m alone. Which is how I spent most of Christmas because my ability to hold things together seems to be on holiday.

On top of everything with my mom, my step dad’s mom has been a bloody nightmare for the past week. She has a chest infection and she keeps calling 999 saying she’s having chest pain. They’ve admitted her 5 times in 6 days. She does have a little dementia from a stroke she had, but she also has attention issues and we can’t figure out which one is the problem. I personally think it’s a cry for attention. Before you say anything, she looked after we go in once a day for 3 hours and a carer goes in once a day for 3 years. The issue is when someone gets more attention than her, she starts to play up. And since my mom has been unwell shockingly, she thinks she needs to be in hospital.

And to add to everything, I am just feeling alone. I don’t mind being single, I’ve had my fill of dating drama and I just can’t do that anymore. But, once in a blue moon it gets to me and I am assuming since I already felt like shit, my emotions were like, why not throw one more thing on and see what happens? The answer is I cry, and I sleep. I sleep because I can’t break down when I am asleep, it’s my safe place.

This just hasn’t been a good holiday season, hell, it’s not been a good year and I have little hope that 2019 will get much better. It’s a sad place to be. But we soldier on. I would leave you with a question of the blog, but to be honest I don’t feel very chatty. But, as always, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxo