Not Feeling 2019

Happy new year, you beautiful people. I wish I was starting this year in my normal happy, cheery way. I typicality live for the holiday season, It’s my favourite time of year. But I am not going to lie, this year it’s been tough. As much as I try to put a smile on and pretend everything is fine…It’s not and it’s likely not going to be.

We found out not long before Christmas my mom has a clot in her fistula and she’ll need surgery, again. Her latest tests showed her kidney function is down to 8 percent. She’s putting on a brave face, like always, but I can tell she’s scared. And I’m trying to only fall apart when I’m alone. Which is how I spent most of Christmas because my ability to hold things together seems to be on holiday.

On top of everything with my mom, my step dad’s mom has been a bloody nightmare for the past week. She has a chest infection and she keeps calling 999 saying she’s having chest pain. They’ve admitted her 5 times in 6 days. She does have a little dementia from a stroke she had, but she also has attention issues and we can’t figure out which one is the problem. I personally think it’s a cry for attention. Before you say anything, she looked after we go in once a day for 3 hours and a carer goes in once a day for 3 years. The issue is when someone gets more attention than her, she starts to play up. And since my mom has been unwell shockingly, she thinks she needs to be in hospital.

And to add to everything, I am just feeling alone. I don’t mind being single, I’ve had my fill of dating drama and I just can’t do that anymore. But, once in a blue moon it gets to me and I am assuming since I already felt like shit, my emotions were like, why not throw one more thing on and see what happens? The answer is I cry, and I sleep. I sleep because I can’t break down when I am asleep, it’s my safe place.

This just hasn’t been a good holiday season, hell, it’s not been a good year and I have little hope that 2019 will get much better. It’s a sad place to be. But we soldier on. I would leave you with a question of the blog, but to be honest I don’t feel very chatty. But, as always, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxo