Thursday, 30 August 2012

Spite Leads To Date

Who says spite is a bad thing? This spiteful bitch has a date Saturday night with a guy who......sounds good on paper.

For blogging sake I’m going to call him Kyle. According to his profile he is 6”3, has brown hair, blue eyes, non-smoker who has a bachelor’s degree and works in the health care profession. It also says he has no kids and no pets.

On paper he sounds good but there are two things on his profile I do not like.

The first one is it says his longest relationship is less than a year. That’s a bit of a worry. At 28 you’d expect a person to have had at least one serious relationship. And I think it’s safe to say if it lasted less than 12 months, it wasn’t serious. And if it was, the guy isn’t rational.

The other thing I don’t like is his interests or rather the sports he listed; Football (soccer), cricket and golf. Soccer is a girls sport played by drama queens that are in desperate need of an acting class. Cricket is just dull, I’d much rather watch paint dry. And golf, well it’s ok to play but watching it is the best sleeping pill around.

There is also the problem that I can’t decide whether he’s good looking or not. In some pictures he’s cute and in other’s I’ll pass so god only knows what I’ll get Saturday night.

We’ve been texting each other for about a week now and he seems like a really sweet guy, but I’m a twisted individual and sweet doesn’t really do it for me. I like my men to have a bit of fire in them and I’m not sure he has that.

I thought writing this post might help ease my nerves didn’t. Its actually made it worse. So I think I’m going to stop now.

So what first date advice do you guys have for me, let me know in the comment box below. And as always stay and play safe.


The Honest and very nervous Bitch

Saturday, 25 August 2012

Zach The Breakable

Fact: The better looking the guy the more breakable he is.

I don’t know what causes this to happen but it’s happened so many times now I’m willing to call it a fact. If anyone out there has any insight to why this may be, please let me know. It’s one of those mysteries of life that is crying out for an answer.

So now let me explain the story behind the latest guy I broke.

So you know I’ve been on a dating site spite mission and it hasn’t been going to plan. All the site seems to be turning up is freaks and stalkers. With one exception, a gorgeous guy I use to work with about 5 or 6 years ago. For the sake of this blog I am going to call him Zach.

Zach worked on checkouts briefly before moving to another department. A man on checkout is almost unheard of, so when there is a guy around, the ladies turn into teenage girls talking about Justin Bieber. But sadly the guy normally turns out to be more Shrek then Prince Charming. So when I heard the girls swooning over Zach I didn’t think much of it.

Then I saw him, long blonde hair, cute smile, gave off the stoner crowd vibe not my type at all but even I’ll admit he was damn good looking. Then he opened his mouth and coherentness (yes that’s a word now) came out, I was impressed, gorgeous smile, nice down to earth guy, hot body, I wanted some. And so did most of the checkout girls, even some of the married ones had some very non –PG comments to say about him.

Minus a little flirting on my part nothing happen while we were working together. Then while dealing with a stalker type I saw his picture come up and I must admit when I saw his picture there wasn’t a pure thought in my head. I didn’t join the site for sex that was the last thing I was looking for but when it comes to him that’s a different story (one that is in the adult section of most book stores).

His message was about work and people we worked with all friendly non sexual stuff. I got the vibe he wasn’t into me that way. But to my pleasant surprise I was wrong. Boy was I wrong. Apparently he had noticed me and had some very nice things to say. Things that turned me an interesting shade of red, I was home, in bed alone and he had me actually coving my face with my arms trying to hide the blushing, from whom I don’t know. He’s definitely a smooth talker.

Things were on the verge of getting a little risqué when he sent me two pictures at which point my brain broke, and all I could think about was his hot naked body pressed against mine and his lips exploring my body. For a brief moment I think I got a glimpse into how it must be like inside the male mind. Sadly I can’t share the actual pictures with you guys but you can use your imaginations or any good porn site.

Once I regained some non-sexual thoughts in my head the conversation continued and then abruptly stalled. The reason it stalled was he wanted a picture of my ass. I don’t like my ass; it’s not my best feature. So getting a picture I'm willing to send to someone I want to fuck is impossible. You can’t just send crappy pictures you don’t like to a man you want in you....that story doesn’t have a happy ending (then again nor does this one).

Since he didn’t get a picture he ended our conversation there and hasn’t been heard from since, leaving me to officially declare him broken or maybe dead.

I know what you’re thinking if the guy couldn’t last 24 hours there’s no hope for a relationship, and I agree with you but I wasn’t looking for a relationship. I was looking for penis. The funny part is that night I had dream about him and me in bed, he was laying behind me with his strong arms warped around me kissing my neck, our naked bodies pressed against each other, his rock hard...... and I still didn’t get laid.

I couldn’t even get any in my dreams! How pathetic is that? Maybe its best I don’t sleep with him it might ruin the fantasy but given the chance we all know I would.

So I’ll leave the question with you, would you sleep with your fantasy or do you think it would ruin things? Let me know in the comment box below also if anyone knows why good looking guys are so breakable please tell me. As always stay and play safe.


The Honest Bitch  

Wednesday, 22 August 2012

True Intentions

I get asked a lot of questions, and the one that comes up most often is “why can’t men be honest about their true intentions?”  To be honest this question has baffled me for years so instead of me trying to use my woman logic on it, I decided to go straight to the source and ask a guy. So I posed the question to my friend, fellow blogger and kick ass author Joel Sparks. And he was kind enough to agree to write a guest post and try to shed some light on things. So here’s what he has to say on the matter:

"Why men can't be honest about their true intentions?”

Inevitably the question has been asked by a woman, which puts an interesting slant on it. It is also a sweeping question that implies all men are duplicitous when, in fact, some are brutally honest and others are complete rats. Ironically, with a man answering the question, the response should be instantly doubted. However, The Honest Bitch can vouch for my honesty being so brutal that it would make Ghengis Khan and Nero wince.

First of all, allow me to make something clear. Men are weak. We prioritise our agenda over our principles because that yields more satisfying results. So for example, when a girl asks “Does my bum look big in this?” our principles would have us say “Yes, it does” when our agenda makes us say “No, don’t be silly.” The reason being that we know the repercussions of being truthful, namely being labelled insensitive, inconsiderate and unfit for the company of a woman. That is something we do not want. For all the bluster about women driving us mad and preferring to hang out with the boys, we like the company of a good woman.  So why would we burn our bridges with a trivial thing like the whole truth?

Secondly, the dishonest nature is pressured upon men by the increased sense of competition. The men who tell the truth are competing against the men who are prepared to lie to win the girl. It is a universal reality that an entertaining lie is always more appealing than an uncomfortable truth. So by that notion, the reason women frequently feel that men are taking them for a ride is because they pick the liars. By choosing them, not only does it endorse deceitful behaviour, it encourages it. It is easy to understand why someone would choose that. Men are the same. We would rather choose a woman who wears make up, a push bra, plunging neck line and uses well measured vanity tricks over the girl who goes all natural. It is a vicious cycle but we all play the game or lose out.

Finally, the truth is too much information too soon. Some guys only want physical intimacy. Some want a long term relationship. Either way, to lay your cards on the table straight from the off is not only bad poker, it’s a bad idea with ladies. Why? Because we don’t like rejection and a flat out honest offer brings a 50/50 chance of that. Men approach women like a hot bath. Jumping in just gets you scolded. Ease in gently and you increase your chances of success. So “commit to nothing and see if you can extract what she is after” is the mentality that most men take. If she is after something acceptable to us, we roll with it.

If women want men to be honest about their intentions, then women need to lead the way. Like I said, men are weak and their actions are dictated by what they believe will yield the best chance of success with women. Ladies, do you want men to be honest? Then demand it. Not in blogs or Facebook statuses. In clubs, bars, dates and wherever else you may meet guys. The problem is if you were honest with yourselves, it is the last thing you want.

I am sure you’ll join me in thanking Joel for his insight. So what do you guys think? Why can’t men be honest about their true intentions? Let me know in the comment box below. And if you like Joel’s style be sure to show him some love on his site: The Sparks Maxim and follow him on twitter @Sparkyjcs

Stay safe

-The Honest Bitch  

Sunday, 19 August 2012

Born-Again Virgins (I'm right you're wrong)

I am for the most part a reasonable person and I’m always open to discuss my opinions with anyone who may see the world differently than I do and I will always try to do so in a respectful mature manor.  

With that being said, I can only do that if the other person's counter argument in based on facts and not make-believe.

Today I received an email from someone telling my views on born- again virgins is completely wrong and I don’t know what I’m talking about.

My response was how am I wrong? Let’s just look at the facts here.

The dictionary defines virginity as “The state of never having had sexual intercourse”.

My view on born-again virgins are that they’re a load of bullshit because once a penis enters your vagina you’re virginity is gone and no amount of wishing is bringing it back. Sound spot on to me.

The counter argument is..........god forgive all.

Well news flash your hymen doesn’t. By that logic I could sleep with a million men and then on the day I get married pray and lo behold I can claim to have lost my virginity on my wedding day. Does that seem fucked up to anyone else?

 Give it up! You had sex, “mistake” or not, you did it so now you’re just like the rest of us who didn’t want to wait. You’re common; you don’t get a special title.

And if you’re going to pick an imaginary title there are so many better ones to choose. Like millionaire or queen but just because you call yourself one doesn’t make it true.

There are a lot of my views you could argue with me about and who knows you might even be right about some of them but not this one. You’re SOL. And there is no amount of hate mail that's going to change my mind. But keep it coming please ( I can always use a good laugh.

On a side note: Why is it all my hate mail comes from Christians? Aren’t you people meant to be all “love thy neighbour” not tell her she’s a whore and going to spend all of eternity in hell?

Since you’re all reading this and are most likely going to be joining me for all eternity in hell I have to ask what is the first thing you’re going to do when you get there? Let me know in the comment box below. And as always stay and play safe.


The Honest Bitch 

Thursday, 16 August 2012


Here’s the problem I’m kind of a spiteful bitch at times, and sometimes that spite leads me to do things I later regret. And it happen again. 

Here’s what happened, a few weeks ago my back had a big flare up and I was in a lot of pain so I sent a message to a male friend (who is normally a sweetheart and fairly flirty with me) saying “I need a cuddle”.

Instead of send me an appropriate message he sent me this reply “well, get a boyfriend then!!” (Men of the world please note that wrong response.)

So me being a bit of a spiteful bitch thought “Fine!!! I will.” So I joined a dating site.

It took me all of 10 minutes to regret that decision and decided I rather die alone then date any of these misfits.

The only non-creep to hit on me so far has been a woman! I had a cop hounding me for more pictures (even though he didn’t have any posted at all) and a guy whose opening line was “I’m an alcoholic”. Really, it’s shocking these men are still single.

I can’t decide whether that's karma punishing me for my spite or whether all the single men left on this planet are fuck-wits. Or maybe it’s a little of both.

So tell me what online dating or trying to date stories you guys have? Let me know in the comment box below. And as always my dears, stay and play safe.


The Honest Bitch 

P.S Sorry, This post is a little short. My back is killing me and all I want right now is my bed.

Friday, 10 August 2012

How the Chicken Got His Name

I have told this story before but someone asked me about it the other day so I thought I’d tell it again. Besides, it’s my only relationship story that doesn’t end with me wanting to commit murder.

This story begins (like a lot of my stories) in my local pub on a Thursday night. I was having a drink at the pub with my friend K, my boyfriend at the time (the Grinch) and K’s boyfriend Jeff who was working behind the bar.

A bunch of the guys were playing poker, and as I was chatting to Jeff I noticed a new guy with them looking our way and smiling. So I smiled back and went back to chatting. As the night went on I noticed him making flirting eyes our way and smiling. When he’d come up to the bar to get a drink he’d make small talk with Jeff then go back to his table.

After a few hours of this I turned to Jeff and said “who the hell is this guy flirting with me or you? “ He said he wasn’t sure so I said to him “go on, flirt back with him, you know you want to.” As you can imagine Jeff wasn’t game for that idea. But when K and Grinch went outside for a smoke he said to me “why don’t you do it?” So me being me and not needing much egging on, I did. And soon it was very clear the new poker play guy wasn’t gay. So with that the mystery was solved, and that was that.

Around 10pm The Grinch said he was leaving so he got up gave me a kiss and headed for the door. Before he was even out the second set of doors the mystery flirty guy was next to me and handed me a little piece of paper.

The paper said (which I actually still have) “Hello I’m Mike. Couldn’t help but notice you, my number is xxx xxx, give me a call or text if you would like to get to know me, no hard feelings if not x”.

Since I had a boyfriend at the time I didn’t have much interest in getting to know him better so when I got to my car, I threw it down somewhere and forgot about it.

Over the next few months Mike came in the pub most Thursday night to play poker with the guys. So despite not texting him I did ended up talking to him a few times and getting to know him a little better. I was pleasantly surprised to find out he was a nice guy who was a lot of fun to be around (I normally only get hit on by freaks.)

One night K and I were in the pub bored out of our minds, so she suggested we text Mike. I said ok but she’d have to go liberate his number from the mess that was my car. Once she managed to find it we started sending him random messages while he tried to work out who the hell was messaging him saying they were the tooth fairy.

Before he managed to work out who we were K had to go home leaving me alone to continue our game. It took him a few hours but he managed to work out who it was and after he guessed we chatted for a while, actually if I remember right I actually fell asleep texting him.

Before you ask I did tell The Grinch about me texting Mike and he didn’t care so I continued doing it. It was all harmless and friendly minus his choice words about my boyfriend (which in hindsight he was right about).

That was until one Thursday night in May (3 days before my 21st birthday to be exact) when I was in the pub with the Grinch and Mike was in playing poker with the guys. Mike smiled at me and pulled a funny face which made me laugh, apparently the Grinch didn’t find it so funny because 2 minutes later I was single. Oh well, it turns out the Grinch was cheating on me with a blonde anyways so it was well worth the laugh.

When I left the pub Mike could tell something was up so he called to check on me. When I told him what happened he said to come get him from the pub if I wanted to talk. But by that time K was at my house and she wouldn’t let me go see him. She felt it was a bad idea and she may have been right.

That didn’t stop Mike and I from texting though and since I was now single things were a little less PG....ok a lot less. But he was always a gentleman and sweetheart when K and I would see him in person.

After a few weeks he suggested I go and see him at the pub, since everyone knows me in there and they like to talk, I wasn’t very keen on that idea. Since I wouldn’t go and see him, he kept calling me chicken.

About a week later I sent him a message asking if he was coming to the pub with K and I. He said he’d pass, so I sent him a message saying “what are you, some sort of big chicken man?” He didn’t reply so when I got to the pub and K asked where he was I said he wasn’t coming because he was a chicken man and it kind of stuck.

We finally managed to meet up alone about a month after my birthday. He definitely won me over that night. When I saw him the first thing I noticed was a picture of a chicken on his t-shirt. I couldn’t help but smile. When he leaned in to kiss me, he said “come on are you chicken?” and never one to be out done I said “not at all, you’re the Chicken Man.” And with that I kissed him.

So that is how Chicken Man got his name and if you ask me he kind of sealed his own fate. Moral of the story be careful who you call chicken or you may find yourself being called Chicken Man for the rest of your life.

What nickname stories do you guys have? Let me know in the comment box below. And as always stay and play safe.


The Honest Bitch  

Wednesday, 1 August 2012

Texting Do's and Don'ts

I received an email from someone asking me about texting etiquette. Oddly enough it’s something I hadn’t given much thought to so I decided to do a little research on the matter. It didn’t take long for me to regret that decision. Everybody and their mother seem to have their opinion on the matter and some of those opinions are simply bat-shit crazy.

So I’ve decide to save you the trouble of wading through the guano and make a list of the 10 do’s and don’ts that actually make sense and are routed in reality. Not as easy as it may sound there are a lot of whack-jobs out there.

So let’s get started:

Don’t Over Abbreviate- Better yet don’t abbreviate at all! First of all it’s annoying and second it makes you sound uneducated. Why anybody would wilfully make themselves sound like an idiot is beyond me.

Don’t Guess- When someone sends you a cryptic message that you don’t fully understand don’t guess at its meaning. This leads to misunderstandings and unneeded arguments. Just simply ask what the other person means or wait until you see them in person. Sounds so simple I know.

Don’t Operate a Phone Angry- This includes texting, nagging and snapping back at someone, just step away from the phone. Also included in this rules; do not try to resolve any conflicts via text. It’s very hard to judge tone in a text message which makes conflict resolution nearly impossible and more fighting almost inevitable. 

Don’t Reveal Anything Embarrassing- This includes operating a phone under the influence, and sending picture messages. There are just something’s it’s best not to have a written recorded of. Embarrassing stories and drunken conversations are high up that list, just don’t do it.

Don’t Send Non-Committal Messages- Messages like “we should go for a drink sometime” or “we should catch up” everyone can see through those hollow messages, so why bother? Not to mention they’re really irritating.

Do Text Before a Date- Especially before a first date, 86% of women asked said a text before a date puts them more at easy. Plus it’s just the polite thing to do. I know if I don’t get a text before a date I starting wondering whether I’m going to get stood up.

Do Reply ASPA- I read a few articles that suggest making a guy wait awhile before replying and ok I can see making him wait a little, 20 minutes/ half hour tops but beware most people will assume their being ignored if they don’t get a reply within an hour. So be careful of playing games.

Do Be a Positive Texter- Send your other half sweet nothings and maybe some harmless flirting and a little teasing, just try to keep it PG-13.  Also try to send praise and encouragement; if you know your other half has a big meeting at work or an exam send them a little love.

Do Send Late Night Messages – But use some common sense when doing so. If you know they have an early meeting, don’t send a message after 10pm. Personally I love getting good night messages but I hate getting woken up by them so use your brain and be considerate when sending messages.

Don’t Text All Day- There were a few websites that said not to text every day. I think that’s just crazy. Texting is the world we live in so texting on a daily bases is perfectly fine. Don’t however text all day, every day. That’s a bit much and makes you come off pathetic and needy. And as we all know nobody wants to date pathetic and needy.

So those are the 10 do’s and don’ts I managed to come up with that seemed to make some form of sense. Personally I think if you have any common sense at all you shouldn’t need these rules but I’ve learned over the years that common sense isn’t all that common so I guess a little guidance never hurt anyone.

I guess all that’s left is for me to ask are there any do’s and don’ts I missed and have you ever dated anyone who has broken these rules? I want to hear your stories in the comment box below. As always my dears stay safe.


The Honest Bitch