(I couldn’t pick a better person to be my first guest blogger. He’s a dear friend of mine and almost as opinionated as I am. As always be sure to leave your comments and feedback I’m sure he’ll appreciate it and so will I.)
Ladies and Gentlemen…ah, who am I kidding, ladies and ladies because if you read this blog and you’re a guy you’re likely to feel your testicles slowly falling off…trust me on that…don’t ask how I know. Anyway, this blog is usually dedicated to relationships and real encounters from a real person. These stories by THB are real and can happen in the real world. I can’t say I’m entirely saddened by her unfortunate relationship past because it led her to be who she is today; honest and open, which means if I have doubts about a certain topic in my relationship, she’ll tell me what’s up. She’s a great friend too. But most often in this blog we hear about and talk about how we suffer from the negative, relationships ending, relationships not starting, relationships going in the wrong direction and the dreaded “friend zone”. I am the most loathed “NTB” that THB talks about from time to time. I believe that romance isn’t dead and I am often referred to as the nice guy or the sweet guy. Don’t all get sick at once, I have a dark side too but underneath all the layers I usually care about people in general, and I find myself going the extra mile for people all the time. I don’t let myself get taken advantage of but I do believe that you have to risk a little to get anything in this world, but this is a false start, past the point of no return. To truly understand why I am writing this blog you need to hear it from the beginning, so here goes:
This summer started like any other, as per usual I finished up my university workload and I was ready to find a job and spend some time working out and relaxing. See…the problem with me is that my previous relationship ended very badly and killed, or at least I thought it killed a side of me, the sweet side that cares about people, the side that comforts them. Don’t get me wrong, I was still nice and I cared about my friends but I was beyond the whole “I want to impress this girl” phase…or so I thought. After 2 months of working at my new job, a girl transferred to the coffee shop in my neighbourhood and my god…was she the cutest thing ever. Despite having the cutest smile and biggest most beautiful eyes you could imagine, she was more than just someone who looked good, after talking I found that we had a lot in common, love of all meat pizza (big time points :-)), good movies and a troubled relationship past. Now I would like to point out that troubled relationship pasts are not for the weak of heart, if you are going to try to get a girl who doesn’t want anything to do with guys to trust you, you will have an uphill battle in front of you, I promise. So, on my way out with my friends some night, I noticed that she was working the overnight shift, so my friends and I went clubbing for a bit and then, after being stone cold fucking sober we decided that dancing with chicks downtown was not as much fun as it could have been…well, what do you expect morons, it’s fucking Tuesday! Anyway after all this had been done I suggested that we drive back to my work and we go see the girl I, at this point, had a bit of a crush on. Now they didn’t want to take a trip back to where we just came so I promised them I would give her my number before we left. I stopped into the coffee shop, ordered my two wingmen something and ordered a double cupped coffee for myself. Immediately I needed help…no pen…fuck, plan A is dying. (Don’t worry plan A works after so no need for me to list plans A-S23 for you…yeah, I over prepare…wanna fight about it?) Anyway, I needed a pen, one of my wingmen asked her (the girl I like) for a pen so that I might write my name and number for her. On the bottom of the second coffee cup I put my name and number and while on the way out I gave it to her and I said “this is my name and number, if you want to use it, great, if not, no hard feelings, ok?”. After all, we did work in the same neighbourhood and I didn’t want things to be odd for her because I do stop in on a semi-regular basis. She gave a smile and I’m sure she was a little caught off guard. Now, I don’t know what you all will think of this, whether you would text an odd looking blonde dude dressed in all black after he gave you his number on the bottom of a coffee cup but SHE did text me. We’ve been talking pretty much ever since and we’ve been having a good time. Around 2-3 weeks of getting to know her I knew I was in trouble. See, the problem is that I don’t make connections with females easily, I generally have a more mature sense of humour and don’t like when girls don’t get me or can’t laugh at the same things. It won’t offend me but when I am living my life I generally get down sometimes and I just need someone who can say one thing to make me laugh and the day will be, not necessarily better, but liveable again. But if you don’t get me, you’ll never say the right thing. This is purely a me thing, I don’t suggest asking for someone who understands you and will know how to cheer you up because you’ll be single for as long as I have been *checks calendar* …yep…too long. I’ve had my opportunities with girls, don’t get me wrong, but I don’t believe in bullshit, if you can’t make a relationship…what’s the point? I don’t play games and I don’t like being played…at all…I personally think it’s very cruel to play with someone who just admitted they like you. Especially when it’s as hard to do as it was for me. Admitting you’re nuts about a girl is hard, to say the least, telling them is another feat entirely, but as I’m sure you’re beginning to tell, I am not faint of heart, so of course the second I knew that I was falling for her a little, I told her.
This is where things get hard for me, its not that she wasn’t into me, but that she had been hurt before…a lot, her first serious boyfriend didn’t treat her well and was throwing out years of commitment. She was broken, but that’s ok, I can redeem a guy or two… I think, or at least for her…I’ll try. We hang out for a bit and she seems kinda lukewarm to me, nothing amazing going on with her side of the table, I don’t blame her, I’m not really all that amazing when I’m tired and just finished a shift at work and hungover but we keep talking. I bring her treats at work after my shift and run down to see her to keep her company for a bit and then run home, if she says she’s hungry, I’ll bring her food, if she says she feels sick I’ll nurse her back to health as much as I can. I’d do anything for this girl. As you may realize, and I didn’t, the part of me that cares about someone more than I normally do and tries to comfort them (the really nice side of me)…is alive and well at this point and SHE revived it. I hate that side of me because now I’m stuck, I’m stuck wanting her to like me and she is still just either beginning to trust me or likes me but not enough to be more than friends. I don’t know, she’s really careful not to hurt my feelings, she fired a “we’re just friends” out and saw the crushed look on my face and then felt the need to tell me that I was the first person who’s number she had gotten that she actually used, or that before I came along she wasn’t interested in guys at all after her previous boyfriend. I guess now I hit the point where I was sick of the puzzles, the games and trying to figure her out. It was interesting but I had far too much invested (and that’s my own fault). I needed to know something. I recently took her to a party and nothing really happened. See, the thing is ladies and gents (see, I just did it for equality) you can’t just play around, at some point things need to fall away and you need to let someone in and tell them, at least a little, how you feel. This point hasn’t happened and it’s been more than a month. I’m not saying I’m impatient, I’m just saying that it seems more and more that she’s trying to keep me at arms length and only might pull me in.
This is the dreaded “friend zone”. This is what happens when you become too nice and let them value who you are. They become comfortable with you and you get stuck here, they want nothing more than that. A lot of people look at this as a “death sentence” to a relationship or the potential of one…it is. However, even though I am stuck, there is the hope of moving out of the friend zone, I’ve seen it happen, though it is rare. But, when you don’t make many connections with girls and you find something you’ve been waiting for after such a long time you’re willing to do a lot for the possibility of having something really special. But in my case, again being brave and hoping to not here the “let’s just be friends” phrase that haunts my dreams, I said to her “Listen, if you wanted to be just friends, I would understand, I know that people sometimes turn their backs on other people when they say that but …I just really want you to be happy, I like you enough that I would let you go if that’s what you really wanted and I’d still be there for you after.” She told me that she respected me and that she “doesn’t know yet”. This, my friends…is supposed to be a good sign… Whatever, I’m spinning the wheels a bit here. I gave her an out and she didn’t take it. Anyway, moving forward, I have known her for a month and a bit, I’m crazy about her, I think about her all the time and she very clearly doesn’t have the same interest level, now that’s not to say she’s not interested at all, we hang out and have fun and flirt, she has said I’m sweet and she has shown that she cares about me but she sometimes tries to hide that she cares about me and usually tries to make her interest seem that of just slightly more than that of a basic friend, but I forgive her that as I know that its hard to trust people when your last serious relationship was a massive blow up and you really don’t want anything to do with guys for a while, not to mention that I’ve only known her for a month and a bit. I guess the difference is that I know that I want her; I know we’d be great together, but I don’t think she’s as optimistic.
This is the conclusion and while it I have already stated that it is the conclusion, it is also the end. I don’t play games and I don’t want to, and keeping me at arms length is not doing me any favours, I give and give and it seems all very one sided. Now, don’t blame her, she doesn’t ask for anything, I just listen and hear things she wants and act based on what I know. Yes, I am the nice guy but maybe she doesn’t want the nice guy, or any guy, or maybe she wants a guy, maybe a nice one, but not me in particular. That’s fine. The reason I say that this is fine is because I am sick of the people who feel they need to protect themselves, who feel that they need to test and hide. This summer, I took a risk on a beautiful, amazing, intelligent girl. I can safely say that she’s the most amazing girl I’ve ever met and I really want to be more than I am to her, sadly, I don’t think I will be, but I have been wrong before. I sit here, defeated, out of ideas, down, but I’m not out! Until she tells me that she doesn’t want me as anything more than a friend, I will keep trying, it might hurt me in the end but she’s worth the effort. And the pain you ask? Well, let me reference the beginning: you can’t get anything in this world without risking something. You will not have a successful relationship without risking your feelings, you won’t get the your desired job if you don’t apply for fear of rejection and you won’t ever know if something could develop between you and the cute girl at the coffee shop unless you give her your number. So, to all the THB lovers and readers, though we may have all of the hurt and baggage of relationships passed sitting on our shoulders and the “lessons” of the past in our heads. I ask not that you denounce your experience, as the lesson of not going for a “boob grab” on the first date is an actual pure gold lesson that I think should be taught in primary school. I merely ask that you lower your protection, we’ve all been hurt before but you can’t just shut down, you need to love with all of your heart, put something of yourself into the things you do for a someone special, don’t worry about rejection and the agony so much, because at the end of the day the effort that you put in might have been rejected but it might have meant a lot to that someone special. For you sports fans, Babe Ruth was the leader of the league in homeruns but he was also the leader in strikeouts, the lesson? Keep swinging and swinging hard, you’ll hit one eventually.
Never, EVER, give up on something you like or love until its gone for sure because you’ll never forgive yourself for not fighting, for not trying. But you can forgive yourself for failing. If you gave everything you could, you’ll have nothing to be ashamed of. I won’t sugar coat it, relationships hurt, they’re hard and they can end badly…this is beginning to sound a lot like sex…but remember that they can also change your life, they can make you happier than you were and they can make see a side of yourself that you thought dead and gone (see entire article). So, I thought to myself, even though I have failed I think people should see that its not all about the end result, in fact, you’ll find relationships are about the journey, and someone who is truly worth it, will make the journey worthwhile. Remember, however, that journey’s are long, sometimes painful and sometimes end suddenly…here we go with sounding like sex again. So, finally, my tail end advice, if you skipped the whole article to get here this is really all you need…sorry to all of you who read my story :-). Don’t be reckless with people’s hearts and don’t put up with those that are reckless with yours, love like haven’t been hurt, hold people you care about close because all relationships need maintenance at some point. Finally, even though we talk snide about our previous relationships, don’t let the negative emotions fill you with the ideas and pessimism that things will never work. I am writing this after failing and I know that I don’t have anything to be ashamed of, I treated that girl well and yeah, it probably won’t work out but at the very least I met someone amazing that restored my faith that I can fall for someone again and yes, I am hurt but the journey was worth it.
Inevitably
the question has been asked by a woman, which puts an interesting slant on it.
It is also a sweeping question that implies all men are duplicitous when, in
fact, some are brutally honest and others are complete rats. Ironically, with a
man answering the question, the response should be instantly doubted. However, The
Honest Bitch can vouch for my honesty being so brutal that it would make
Ghengis Khan and Nero wince.
