Alleviating Guilt

Today was an interesting day; I finally found some resolve on my feelings for CM. Up till now I’ve been kind of wishy washy on the issue. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve liked the guy and there’s been something there but it hasn’t been enough to alleviate my guilt.

Every time I’ve been with him I’ve been kind of uncomfortable and super aware that he isn’t......mine for lack of a better word. And because of that I’ve made a conscious effort to keep my feelings fairly neutral. Which in hindsight is probably why my guilt wasn’t alleviated.

Today was different, I went to see CM on his lunch break, and after talking for a while he kissed me and for the first time there was no moral dilemma in my head, it just felt right, that spark was there and it out weighed everything else.

It’s been an awesome feeling all day being able to answer those “feelings” questions within myself. However they bring their own set of problems...that at least for today, I’m not willing to think about.

I kind of want to live in LaLa land today and just focus on the positives, him being a total sweetheart, really funny and the way he makes me feel. I’ll deal with the other stuff....later.

Anyways my dears, I have to go and swear at the Leafs until they put some damn pucks on net. As always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 
xoxoxo

Weekend Animosity

I’ve recently developed a strong dislike for the weekends and it’s all CM’s fault. He works Monday to Friday, so during that time we’re pretty much free to communicate as we like. Yes, he has work to do but we still text all day and normally even manage a Skype call or two.

Then the weekend rolls around and everything changes. I get next to no text messages during the day; I generally get a message from him about 4 or 5 asking how my day is going. I’ll send a reply back and won’t hear anything for an hour or two. The messages are typically slow going and tend to be short and abrupt. Which I find unappealing to say the least.

Please don’t get me wrong I understand why it’s that way, he has “real life” to deal with and by that I mean his “blah-blah-blah” (yeah, that’s the technical term for it now) but I don’t have to like it.

During a conversation the other day I commented to CM that he can look forward to finishing work all he wants but I happen to like it better when he’s there. He of course asked why and I explained that when he’s not there he’s a bit of an ass (that’s harsh wording on my part, he’s not an ass but that’s the word I used.)  And he sent me this message explaining why.

“You have to remember I usually have someone sitting directly next to me when I’m at home. I know the messages seem short and I really don’t want them to be but it seems like that’s the way they come across x x x x x”

Call me a bitch (because that’s my name) but that’s not the mental image I want of the person I’m having a pseudo affair with. I want to picture them on opposite sides of the room screaming, about to kill each other.....And yes I am aware that makes me a horrible person.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m under no disillusions, he’s not going to leave his.....blah-blah-blah and I wouldn’t expect him to. I don’t foresee this ending “happily ever after” but I would like to enjoy the ride while it lasts.

That brings me to the question of the blog; is it really that bad to just enjoy the ride while it lasts? Let me know your thoughts in the comment box below. And as always my dears stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxoxo 

CM First Kiss

The same day I posted my last blog, CM made his move and kissed me and I’m sure you’re dying to know how it was but sadly I can’t tell you. Why you ask? Because the whole time he was kissing me why brain was too busy informing me there was another girl’s boyfriend on my lips.

I swear the little voice in my head was going “knock, knock......sorry to bother you miss but I wasn’t sure if you were aware that the man current attached to your lips should be attached to someone else’s”.......and yes I am aware that sentence makes me crazy but that’s nothing new.

I was super nervous about the kiss; CM and I spend an impressive amount of time talking during the week and I was worried that it might change things. It turns out he was nervous too but for a different reason, he was worried it wouldn’t go well and he’d get “friend zoned”.

I can honestly say his “friend zone” fear is unfounded, I would not have sent him to the friend zone over a kiss.....well I lie but it would have had to be god awful for that to happen. The funny part is he thinks my fear is unfounded too because and I quote “that just wouldn’t happen”.

As for the kiss from CM’s point of view he seems to have enjoyed it, he’s eager to get his lips on me again, which can only be a positive thing, and apparently I have very soft lips which is only a borderline creepy thing to say. With a bit of luck the next time we kiss my brain will be more on my side and I can have my own borderline creepy thing to say or at the very least I’ll be able to tell you if it was any good or not.

So I guess that brings me to the question of the blog, have you ever been in a romantic situation and your brain refused to co-operate? Let me know in the comment box below and as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxoxo

Crossing The Line

It’s no secret that when it comes to dating and relationship I’ve been known to make some.....questionable decisions. However despite many years of ill-fated decisions there are a few lines I’ve never crossed.

I’ve never dated a friend’s ex, I’ve never made a pass at married man and I’ve never gotten involved with someone who is already in a relationship.

There’s actually a running joke among my friends about the latter, because despite me being.....me. It’s my friend Courtney (a relationship good two-shoes) who is the homewrecker. In her defence she is now happily married to the man but it doesn’t change the fact she had to break up a home to get him.

For whatever reason this has always been a line I’ve not been willing to cross; in my head once a man is living with a woman he is as good as married and becomes an untouchable.

With that said over resent months I’ve found myself flirting dangerously close to this line and fear it’s only a matter of time before I completely cross it.....if I haven’t already.

And if that sounds ominous, it kind of is. Let me just say I’ve purposely not made any moves and have taken the back seat in all this because somehow in my head it makes it a little less bad.....but in all fairness...it doesn’t.

It all started with some harmless messages, then some harmless flirting, at which point he told me he liked me and I made my position clear. Then he gave me a cuddle and as ridiculous as it may sound, my will to resist him severely depleted.

You’ve heard of pussy whipped, it’s quite possible I’m cuddle whipped. What I can I say the man give the best hugs on the planet, when his arms are around me it feels like a meteor could fall from the sky and I’d be safe. (That might be the lamest thing I’ve ever said.)  

After the cuddles weakened my defense we started flirting more and more; once again with him taking the lead because someone that makes it better. Then one night some flirty messages turned a little (ok a lot) risqué and a line might have been crossed. (Yeah, I know I’m a bad person.)

Saying that in theory we’ve done nothing wrong, reality might be a different matter but in theory we’re golden. The most we’ve done in person is cuddle and that’s not a crime, it’s socially acceptable for two friends to cuddle. So by all rights I shouldn’t feel guilty............Right?

But I do, I really do, especially because I know damn well the next time I see him that “in theory” is going out the window because he’s going try to kiss me and I’m going to let him. I shouldn’t, I know shouldn’t but I going to. I know all of this is a horrible idea but what if it isn’t?

Let me know what you guys think in the comment box below and as always my dears stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxoxoxo