Wednesday, 27 February 2013

Bitter Cause and Effect

There is a difference between being bitter and being honest. When I was asked about one of my exes yesterday I called him “a tool” and apparently because of that I’m “bitter”. I take offence to that. I don’t like him that’s not bitterness that more cause and effect than anything.

The cause being he made me endure his whack-job family for a weekend then a week later (days before my birthday) broke up with me, I then found out he was cheating on me. Then he had the nerve to show up at my birthday.

The effect of that being me punching him in his face knocking him out cold (don’t ever fuck with a hockey girl) and me losing all respect and willingness to tolerate him.

I don’t think me calling him a tool was me being bitter I think it was first of all the understatement of the century and second of all me being honest. I mean I could play nice of course but frankly why should I? “Playing nice” is just another word for fake as far as I’m concerned. And I’m a lot of things but fake isn’t one of them.

What do you guys think, is honesty and bitter two different things or am I in the wrong here? And what interesting cause and effect stories do you have? Let me know in the comment box below. As always stay and play safe.


The Honest Bitch 

Saturday, 23 February 2013

Chicken Missing

It’s been about a year since Chicken Man and I have been in the same country at the same time and I’m really missing him. I miss the easiness of our relationship, I miss that he could always make me feel better without even trying and I really miss well.....his penis, ok, I said it, I miss his penis. I swear to god that thing was built for me.

As fond as I am of his penis, it’s his ability to make me feel better I’m missing right now. I miss how when one of us was sick we’d spend all day in bed together watching films you couldn’t pay most men to watch. He loved theatre so we’d watch so The Phantom of the Opera, Cats, or Les Miserables. Like I said, stuff you couldn’t pay most guys to wouldn’t watch.

It always makes me laugh that when people see Chicken Man they think he’s some tough guy, with his knuckles tattooed and all that (which for the record isn’t my type at all) but in reality he’s just this funny, teddy bear who is extremely well traveled and versed in the arts. Saying that I wouldn’t want to cross him, I remember his reaction when it came to light The Grinch cheated on me, that guy is so lucky I beat him up.

 It’s a running joke with my friends that leave it to me to date a “bad boy” (air quotes are needed) that is so well traveled and versed in the arts. Most are into drugs or drinking mines into musical theatre, I never do anything the normal way J

Thank you guys for listening to rumblings I actually feel a lot better now, so what are your “bad boy” or “bad girl” (I’m sure I have some male readers) dating experiences? Let me know in the comment box below. And as always stay and play safe.


The Honest Bitch 

Thursday, 21 February 2013

Killer Wisdom Tooth

The wisdom tooth is most stupidly name thing ever; there is nothing wise about it at all. And I’m pretty sure the damn thing is trying to kill me. Let me explain.

I’m sure you remember a few weeks ago I was having trouble with my wisdom tooth and that infection spread to my sinuses. During that time my eye started randomly twitching but I didn’t think anything of it. That infection cleared but the eye thing continued.

Then this morning I woke up feeling like death. Turns out the infection hadn’t cleared up and the eye twitch should have been my warning sign. Did you know a twitching eye was a sign of a sinus infection? Cause I sure as hell didn’t. And all this crap comes back to my damn wisdom tooth which I’m now positive is trying to kill me.

I’m going to end this blog here because looking at the computer screen isn’t much fun right now. But before I go I am going to ask you what is the most stupidly name thing you can think of? Let me know in the comment box below and as always stay and play safe.


The Honest Bitch 

Saturday, 16 February 2013

Ask Stupid Questions

Monday morning I have an appointment at the hospital with another pain management specialist. All was well and good until I got the letter, inside the envelope was a yet another HADS questionnaire. This is the 5th one I’ve had to fill out in a year.

In case you don’t know HADS stands for Hospital Anxiety and Depression Scale. I’m insulted by having to fill out yet another one. It’s like they’re saying “Oh you’re not depressed well you should be.”

The worst part is the way it’s worded everyone sounds depressed but my biggest problem is it says to give your immediate reaction to each statement and oddly enough, my immediate reaction isn’t coved in their options.

“I feel as if I am slowed down” – Of course I do, because I’m actually slowed down!

“I feel restless as if I have to be on the move” – Duh, I have stuff to do and I’m physically slowed down. I feel like I need to be on the move to make up the time I'm losing.

“I get a sort of frightened feeling like “butterflies” in the stomach” – Do you not read my blog? Mr. X killed the butterflies.

“I feel cheerful” – Once again, you don’t read my blog do you?

“I can laugh and see the funny side of things” – Well, I’m mocking you in blog form so I’d say so.

The questions just go on and on. It’s ridiculous. Then there is pain scale page which is stupid because any doctor will tell you, the numbers don’t mean anything. But it did make me laugh because there is a list of the “types of pain” you may be feeling, the list includes; heavy, tiring-exhausting, fearful and punishing-cruel. I said WTF more than once while reading it.

Then the last page looks like an autopsy report. It a picture of a guy from 4 different angles and they want me to colour in and draw arrows on him. All I want to do is give him boobs and some hair.

I hate hospitals but I hate hospital forms more, I guess on the bright side they didn’t ask for my next of kin which makes a pleasant change. Nothing like walking in for a consultation and the first thing they ask you is “who do we contact if we kill you”; Real reassuring.

So that’s my rant over with but what do you hate about hospitals? Let me know in the comment box below. And as always, stay and play safe.


The Honest Bitch 

Thursday, 14 February 2013

The Case Of The Valentine's Day Flowers

Something strange happened today......I received flowers.

Ok, I know what you’re thinking, that isn’t strange at all; I mean it is Valentine’s Day after all. But the strange part is I’m not dating or even seeing anybody right now and I don’t even know who sent the flowers, the only thing the card said was “I miss you”.

I’m sure whoever sent the flowers is expecting me to call and say thank you or at the very least no who “I miss you” is. But here’s a little not so secret about me, I’ve dated a lot of guys and I have no clue whatsoever who “I miss you” is.

The only hints I have are he sent tulips, which is my favourite flower, so he must know me fairly well and he clearly knows my home address. That’s not a lot to go on. I was going to post a message on Facebook to thank whoever sent them but then I’ll get everyone saying it was them and I’ll still be none the wiser.

I can safely rule out Mr. X because he’d burst into flames if he did anything nice for anyone but himself, plus I’m pretty sure he doesn’t know my actual address.

And I can rule out Chicken Man, when he sends me things he always leaves a little hint so I know it’s from him. That’s kind of his trademark.

I think I can also rule out anyone who reads my blog. I wrote a piece a few weeks ago about how Valentine’s Day doesn’t tickle my peach. I'm sure if they read that they’d be sending me pizza and beer not flowers.

With all that said I’m still clueless to whom “I miss you” is, but as much as I dislike Valentine’s Day, I really do enjoy a good mystery so I’m going to have fun trying to work this out, until I need to get a restraining order that is.

So how are you spending your Valentine’s Day? Let me know in the comment box below and as always stay and play safe.

The Honest Bitch 

Friday, 8 February 2013

I Can’t Believe It

I got some exciting news from my childhood best friend last night. She’s having a baby! I’m so excited for her she’s going to be a kick ass mom.

This is the first one of my friends to get pregnant who I’m genuinely happy for. Most of the other’s have been either in their teens or had no job or lived at home or knew their boyfriend for such a short period of time. You just can’t be happy for them when you know they’re screwing up their life.

That isn’t the case here, my best friend has her life together; she’s a teacher, her and her boyfriend have been together 7 years and they’ve been living together 2 so under Ontario law they’re pretty much married (common law).

She’s a smart girl, she has her i’s dotted and t’s crossed. That’s part of the reason we’ve been friends so long. I’ve know her since kindergarten, we became instant best friends on a field-trip and have been close ever since.

I can’t believe she's having a baby, I feel so old. She was always one of the youngest in the class with an October birthday and I was always one of the oldest with a May birthday. It’s only 5 months but when you’re young that feels like forever, and I still feel like she’s a little sister.

I can’t help but think back to us as kids playing house, even back then in make-believe land she was an awesome mom and I bet in reality she’ll be an even better one. I’m so excited for her.

Time for my question of the blog, my friend has a boy named picked out already but she’s has no idea for girls names so help her out and leave your suggestions in the comment box below. And as always stay and play (unless you want a baby) safe.


The Honest Bitch 

Wednesday, 6 February 2013

Wisdom Tooth Tourette's

I’m starting to think they’re called wisdom teeth because if you have any wisdom at all you get them removed before the little bastard’s turn your mouth into a living hell of pain and torture.

Despite being one of the few people who actually have room for their wisdom teeth to come in, mine decided they were going to be dicks. The latest tooth to cause me hell decided it was going to come in at a stupid angle. So not only is it causing my gums pain it’s chewing up my cheek at the same time turning me into a super bitch. For me pain does one of two things; makes me cry or makes me angry, this tooth has done the latter. It’s also given me what I call “wisdom tooth Tourette's”.

I’ll be talking normally then I’ll move my jaw in a way that causes my tooth to be a dick and mid-sentence I’ll start swearing saying something like “you dick, you fucking dick.” I have no ability to control this, it’s like my brain is too busy plotting to bite the dentist that it has no time to stop the onslaught of four letter words flying out of my mouth.

Luckily I have an appointment tomorrow to see and possible bite my dentist (he did an X-rays like two months ago you think he could have warned me this was coming). Hopefully he can sort this out. I really don’t want to get it pulled; the image of last time still haunts me. Sitting in the dentist chair for over an hour while the dental nurse holds my head and the dentist pulled at the tooth. I still have nightmares but this is a different dentist so fingers crossed it goes better.

Anyways I’m going to go and swear; before you say anything the MythBusters proved swearing helps to deal with pain so :-P Let me know how you deal with pain in the comment box below and as always stay and play safe.


The Honest Bitch 

Saturday, 2 February 2013

The Honest Bitch Uses Four Lettered Words

On what fucking planet is this an acceptable message to send to someone? “Hi sexy lady u need cock yet”

I kid you not I received this message from a guy who is almost 30 years old. He has two fucking kids. How is this acceptable from someone who is meant to be a grown ass man? 

I don’t even have a blog based around this message, I’m too fucked off. I just want this out there so the next time someone asks why I’m such a bitch, the answer is clear. I’m a bitch because men made me this fucking way.

Would it kill people to use their fucking brain once in awhile? I mean what did he think I’d say? “Come over now, I want your cock”? Dream on buddy, I have standards and self respect. What a fucking slimy creep.

Anyways since I’ve told you what turns me into a bitch, what turns you into one? Let me know in the comment box below and as always stay and murder asshole men safely.

-The Honest Bitch