Ask Stupid Questions

Monday morning I have an appointment at the hospital with another pain management specialist. All was well and good until I got the letter, inside the envelope was a yet another HADS questionnaire. This is the 5^th one I’ve had to fill out in a year.

In case you don’t know HADS stands for Hospital Anxiety and Depression Scale. I’m insulted by having to fill out yet another one. It’s like they’re saying “Oh you’re not depressed well you should be.”

The worst part is the way it’s worded everyone sounds depressed but my biggest problem is it says to give your immediate reaction to each statement and oddly enough, my immediate reaction isn’t coved in their options.

“I feel as if I am slowed down” – Of course I do, because I’m actually slowed down!

“I feel restless as if I have to be on the move” – Duh, I have stuff to do and I’m physically slowed down. I feel like I need to be on the move to make up the time I'm losing.

“I get a sort of frightened feeling like “butterflies” in the stomach” – Do you not read my blog? Mr. X killed the butterflies.

“I feel cheerful” – Once again, you don’t read my blog do you?

“I can laugh and see the funny side of things” – Well, I’m mocking you in blog form so I’d say so.

The questions just go on and on. It’s ridiculous. Then there is pain scale page which is stupid because any doctor will tell you, the numbers don’t mean anything. But it did make me laugh because there is a list of the “types of pain” you may be feeling, the list includes; heavy, tiring-exhausting, fearful and punishing-cruel. I said WTF more than once while reading it.

Then the last page looks like an autopsy report. It a picture of a guy from 4 different angles and they want me to colour in and draw arrows on him. All I want to do is give him boobs and some hair.

I hate hospitals but I hate hospital forms more, I guess on the bright side they didn’t ask for my next of kin which makes a pleasant change. Nothing like walking in for a consultation and the first thing they ask you is “who do we contact if we kill you”; Real reassuring.

So that’s my rant over with but what do you hate about hospitals? Let me know in the comment box below. And as always, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxoxo

Wisdom Tooth Tourette's

I’m starting to think they’re called wisdom teeth because if you have any wisdom at all you get them removed before the little bastard’s turn your mouth into a living hell of pain and torture.

Despite being one of the few people who actually have room for their wisdom teeth to come in, mine decided they were going to be dicks. The latest tooth to cause me hell decided it was going to come in at a stupid angle. So not only is it causing my gums pain it’s chewing up my cheek at the same time turning me into a super bitch. For me pain does one of two things; makes me cry or makes me angry, this tooth has done the latter. It’s also given me what I call “wisdom tooth Tourette's”.

I’ll be talking normally then I’ll move my jaw in a way that causes my tooth to be a dick and mid-sentence I’ll start swearing saying something like “you dick, you fucking dick.” I have no ability to control this, it’s like my brain is too busy plotting to bite the dentist that it has no time to stop the onslaught of four letter words flying out of my mouth.

Luckily I have an appointment tomorrow to see and possible bite my dentist (he did an X-rays like two months ago you think he could have warned me this was coming). Hopefully he can sort this out. I really don’t want to get it pulled; the image of last time still haunts me. Sitting in the dentist chair for over an hour while the dental nurse holds my head and the dentist pulled at the tooth. I still have nightmares but this is a different dentist so fingers crossed it goes better.

Anyways I’m going to go and swear; before you say anything the MythBusters proved swearing helps to deal with pain so :-P Let me know how you deal with pain in the comment box below and as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxoxo

Mouth Hell

I want to start by apologizing for being a bad blogger. I took last weekend off for Thanksgiving and then this weekend I missed because, well, I looked like the elephant man and wasn't feeling too hot because of that.

This past week I’ve been in mouth hell.

Wednesday I had an hour long dentist appointment to have a crown done because I broke a tooth eating a bowl of fruit loops (I kid you not; I broke a tooth eating cereal). I don’t know if you’ve ever had a crown done but it’s not fun. They take like 4 different types of molds and it’s just a lot of stuff that makes you want to bite the dentist. Plus you’re frozen and I hate that.

Once I was home and the freezing had worn off, I discovered my bite felt off and I mean way off. It feels like the crown is a foot too high. I was also in a fair bit of pain because the molding trays pissed off my wisdom teeth. I decided to just suck it up and hope things would settle after a few days........They didn’t.

My wisdom tooth decided it hated me and got itself infected. And I’m not talking a little infected, I’m talking couldn’t open my open, swollen face, sore throat, ear ache and feeling sick infected. I spent most of the weekend looking like I escaped a freak show.

Thankfully I’m feeling a little better now. My ear and mouth still hurt but I’m looking a lot less post boxing matchy. Saying that my bite is still off and every time I chew on the crown side it feels like I’m chewing on tin-foil.

It’s not much fun but I’m still not ready to give in a go back to the dentist. Why you ask? Because this sucks, but it sucks a lot less then the nightmare that was having my lower right wisdom tooth pulled.

Here’s the short version of that story; I went to the emergency dentist because my right upper wisdom tooth hurt like hell and my jaw was swollen. The dentist decided to pull my lower wisdom tooth because “it’s easier” and “should help”. The dumb bitch then struggled to freeze the area, once she did, I then spent and an hour in the chair while her assistant held my head and the dentist pulled.  

I still have nightmares about the whole thing so needless to say my other 3 wisdom teeth are staying where they are. Maybe that’s why most people get all 4 pulled at once. I’ve never been one to do things the easy way.

So what wisdom teeth stories do you guys have? Who knows maybe it’ll make me or someone else feel a little better. And as always my dears stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxoxo 

Forced Holiday

I’m back.

I guess I should start by explaining my disappearing act. There isn’t actually much to tell. I was order by my doctor to take a few weeks off and relax.

He gave me this order, well; he actually didn’t give it to me, he gave it to my mom. Yes that’s right my mom. The doctor went over my head and gave it to my mom leaving me no choice in the matter.

He gave the order for two main reasons. The first is since my MRI I’ve been having panic attacks. Which my doctor says is due to stress. 18 doctors appointment in the first 4 months of 2012 will do that to a person. The second reason was my back was spasming and I had an appointment with a new doctor coming up. It was very likely at that first appointment he was going to do injections in my back which apparently is very hard to do when the back is spasming.

At first I wasn't a fan of these orders, I had things I needed to do and nobody was letting me do them. My mom actually went so far as to, hide my netbook and steal my PC keyboard. Charming I know.

After one final panic attack it became very clear I was taking this forced holiday whether I liked it or not and I should stop wasting my energy and just go with it.

I’m weird with panic attacks; I’m a very sane crazy person. I lay with my back against the wall looking at my door, because it stops that somebody is going to come up behind me and stab me feeling. As I’m lying there I’m thinking this is fucking crazy. My room is on the ground floor and at the front of the house, surely the window would be my biggest problem not the door. Like I said I’m a sane crazy person.

Despite the fact I thought I felt fine before my forced holiday I have to admit now my doctor was right. Even though it took me the best part of my time off to actually relax once I did, I could really feel the difference and as an added plus was my neck and back weren’t feeling so tight.

Or at least they weren’t until I met my new doctors yesterday, who I can safely say beat the living shit out of my back. I guess the upside is they decided, at least for now, they aren’t going to do any injections. Thank god for that. I’ve been under that fluoroscope so many times I think my ovaries are starting to glow in the dark.

After getting double teamed by two doctors yet again today, and let me add not in the good way, I’ve been given the green light to end my forced holiday. So I should be resuming my regular blogging schedule as of....now.

And if you ask me it’s not a second too soon, I’ve missed blogging. As always my dears stay safe,

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxo

Trained Monkeys

A lot of you guys have been asking how my MRI went so I thought I'd bring you up to speed.

Over a year ago my physio referred me to a spinal specialist to eliminate spinal problems as the cause of my back pain. He was very clear in saying he didn't think that was the problem but because my spine with a little on the straight side he wanted to rule it out.

So I went to meet with the spinal specialist, and there I met trained monkey number one. Not the doctor I was referred to, but one of his bitches. While I was there trained monkey number one poked, pulled and bent my back and in the end he decided I needed to have a CT and MRI done.

A few weeks after that appointment, I went back to get my results. There, another trained monkey (trained monkey number two), whose English sucked I might add, told me there was a bulge in one of my discs but it was in the wrong place to be causing my back pain - he said in his opinion my back pain wasn’t a spinal issue. He ended the appointment by telling me if the pain got worse, I could came back and see him.

It sounded pointless to me, he already said it wasn't a spinal problem so what's the use in going back? Also I was being treated by the pain management centre so the odds of the pain getting worse were slim to none.

I was wrong, the NHS closed the centre and I was left high and dry. So over time my back pain got worse and I had to go back and see my GP and he decided it would be smart to go back and see the spinal specialist. I wasn't impressed with that idea and told him I thought it was pointless but he insisted it was the next step.

I went back just after Christmas and there I met trained monkey number three. He wasn't so bad, he poked and caused pain and decided that since it had been a year, I needed another MRI. He added if they came back clean he'd refer me on to a different department.

That was great news in my book, this may be pointless but at least at the end of it I'd be moving on to a different doctor who might have a clue of what's wrong.

I went for an MRI and as you read, it will wasn't an enjoyable experience. I got through it thinking once this is done there's a new doctor in my future, one who didn't get his degree from a crackerjack box.

I went back to get my results and there met yet another trained monkey. This one told me the bulge in my disc looks a lot smaller now, and everything else looks fine. Then he told me “if it gets worse you have an open appointment here for the next six months after that you need to go back to your GP.” And with that he vanished.

So now I'm exactly where I was a year ago, with no answers; I went through all that shit for nothing. In hindsight I'm actually worse off than I was a year ago because I'm no longer being seen by the pain management centre.

I am infuriated with the whole thing at this point. You never see the same stupid trained monkey more than once so you get no consistency. I have to go and see my GP this week and God help him because I've reached the end of my rope.

I understand back pain is a tricky thing and can be caused by many things. That's fine as long as someone's trying to do something. It kind of feels like they're trying to see how much bullshit I can handle before my head explodes and I kill someone.

The whole thing kind of reminds me of that song, 4 little monkeys jumping on the bed, but instead of them falling and bumping their heads, I want to hit them with frying pans.

Anyways my dears, I'm off to take some painkillers and research which frying pan is best for scrambling monkeys.

Stay safe, Love,

The Honest Bitch
xoxo

Health Update

A lot of you know about the ongoing issues that have been plaguing my back. I happen to know a few of you also suffer with back pain so I thought I’d give you guys an update to let you know where I am with treatments, doctors and working out with is actually the causing the pain.

I was receiving trigger point injections from a pain management centre in attempt to control my pain levels. They weren't a 100 percent successful but they did have positive effects. Sadly the NHS decided to close the centre that was handling my treatment. So I’m kind of in limbo right now. I should have had an injection almost 4 months ago and I’ve heard nothing. Everyone was meant to be referred to a new specialist or back to their GPs. My GP knows nothing and as of yet no new doctor.

This whole mess has me pretty pissed off, and not for the reasons you may think. I’m happy to have someone new come in with fresh eyes. I’m pissed that nobody seems to know who has my medical records or where they even are.

My main grievance, like anyone who is months overdue for treatment, is that I’m in pain!

I understand finding the cause will take time, I accept that. But I don’t accept that treating the pain should take this long. I’m not asking for them to pull a rabbit out of their ass. All I’m asking is for them to control my pain levels. It’s not rocket science.

The pain itself has an unwanted side effect, anger.

I’ll be the first to admit my attitude when my back is bad, sucks. I get snappy, crabby and just plain mean. And I have no control over it.

The brain can’t flitter what a person is saying when it’s too busy scream “THAT HURTS!” 

I have no patience to deal with anyone or thing when it’s at its worse. I know this so I’ll pull away from people. You won’t see me on any chat thing or around people. I just stay away from everyone. It makes things easier. A little lonely at times but it’s better that way. Trust me.

I hate going to see my doctor for my back. I know there is nothing he can really do for me. It’s the specialists that needs to sort it. So I feel guilty taking up an appointment slot.

I had the decision taken away from me last week. My moods were horrible because of the amount of pain I was in so I was forced to go the doctors. I had no say what so ever in that decision.

After talking things over with him and him seeing how bad I really was. He decided to refer me back to the spinal specialist (because that worked out so well the first time) and try me on some different medications. He added a muscle relaxant to my long list of pills and stronger painkillers.

Here’s a tip never Google what your doctor gives you. My pain killers.....also given to heroin addicts. That’s something everyone wants to read about their new medication.

Admittedly the new pills do seem to be helping a lot but still not big on having something in common with a heroin addict. I also don’t love the warning to athletes on the box saying “these pills may cause you to fail anti-doping tests”. Damn it, there go my Olympic dreams. (Sex and bitching are Olympic sports right?)

Before I go I want to share with you guys some of the tips my chiropractor gave me for dealing with the pain. He may have been expensive £30 for 15 minutes well 10 minutes once you get changed but he knows his stuff.

The first tip he gave me was to use damp heat. The easiest way to do that is to put a wheat bottle in the microwave with a glass of water. Sounds simple but it’s very effective.

The second tip isn’t really a tip. It’s a product. BioFreeze! I could kiss my chiropractor for that one, and he’s one ugly dude. When my back is bad, this stuff is my best friend. It’s magic in a tube. Easily the best working product on the market. The other thing I love about it is the smell fades really quickly so I don’t have to worry about smelling like an old lady all day. Oh how I love BioFreeze.

Before you ask no, I’m not being paid to say that.

Anyways my dears that’s all from me. Hope you are all well and have a great night. As always stay safe.


Love,

The Honest Bitch
xoxo

Forgive and Forget

Hey Guys,

Let me start by apologizing for my whininess in my last post. Writing a blog post with a 102 degree fever wasn’t my smartest move but I promised a post and I wasn’t about to let anyone down.

However I’m feeling much better now and I have an absurd concept I’d like to talk about.

“Forgive and forget”

The whole idea of forgiving and forgetting is completely bonkers to me. I’m not against forgiving people so don’t get me wrong. It’s the forgetting part I have a problem with. It’s like that old saying “Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me.”

You're never going to learn from anything if you constantly forgetting. It’s the recipe to becoming a doormat. “Oh he cheated on me” --> forgive and forget --> “he cheated on me” --> forgive and forget --> “he cheated on me” --> forgive and forget! On what planet does that make any sense? It’s the merry-go-round ride to hell.

My common sense would tell me after the first time I had to forgive someone that may this person is trouble and it’s time to find a new friend or boyfriend or whatever. I sure as hell wouldn’t get on the “forgive and forget” marry-go-round.

While writing this I can across something that said forgiving and forgetting can improve your health. But what about your quality of life? Actually a better question is why would you be around that many people who you constantly need to forgive?

I understand once in a blue moon something happens and you need to forgive or not forgive someone. But how many idiots do you have to have around you for it to impact your health. If you have that many fuck-wits around you, you deserve all the health problems you get. Use your brain. Stupid deserves stupid.

Maybe I’m wrong but in my opinion. Forgiving and forgetting is a sure fire way to become a doormat. You need to use your brain and not blindly follow some poorly thought out saying.

I’m heading back to bed. As always stay safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxoxoxo

Sane vs Crazy

I’m going to keep this as short as I can because I’m in bed sick and rather cranky. And by rather cranky I mean being a total bitch to anyone who comes near me.

On top of being cranky with everyone else I’m also cranky with myself. Unlike most women I know when my brain is being crazy. And it pisses me off when I know my brain is working in a way that is illogical.

Let me explain. I can’t stand to see Mr. X upset or sad. It really eats at me to see him that way. The amount it bothers me I can’t even began to put it into words. I actually lost sleep over him being hurt.

This is crazy behaviour on my part. I’d have every right to enjoy every second of seeing him down. Hell I should throw a parade. But instead of being logical my brain decided to be crazy. Luckily I’m sane enough to spot these crazy flare-ups.

I’m upset, that him being upset upsets me. (Ever wonder what a crazy sane person sounds like? lol) I know that I shouldn’t care and on the whole I don’t. He could be eaten by beavers and that would be fine. It’s just him being upset I can’t stand. And I’m not mad at him for it; I’m pissed off at myself for my own reaction, which evidently I have no control of.

I’m just as hard on myself as I would be on anyone else, if not harder. I know my reaction is crazy. There is currently a war going on in my head between the sane side and this crazy flare-up. But all I can do right now is shake my head like an etch-a-sketch and try to put it out of my mind and move on. But the war wages on.

I’m going back to sleep now. I feel like death. Stay safe guys and stay away from sick people.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxoxoxoxo

I'm Not That Girl

I’ve reached an age where a lot of my friends are starting to get married off. That’s all well and good for them but I have a problem with it. It’s not with them getting married per se it’s more about them telling me about it and expecting me to be all excited for them. News flash....I’m not that girl.

I’m just not someone who dreams about their wedding day, I never have been. Even as a kid I never pretended to get married or even gave it a thought. It’s not that I’m against marriage or anything like that. I just believe that love is between 2 people and why should hundreds of guests be forced to hear about it.

I actually remember being at Sunday school, my teacher at the time was the pastor’s wife and she decided one Sunday to show us their wedding video. I remember sitting there, while all the girls were crying thinking, “why is she torturing all those people.” (Kids think the darndest things, eh?)

I like to think in every circle of friends each friend as a speciality. Love or matter of love was never mine. In the friendship world my speciality is “break-ups”. If you’re crying at 3am because your boyfriend dumped you, I’m the girl to call. Maybe it’s because I’m a bit of a bitch but bad mouthing the guy that dumped my friend and pointing out all the guys’ flaws comes naturally to me. However if you want to get back with him....it's not advisable to call me.

Clearly I’m not the girl you call when you decide to get married; I’m the girl you call when you decide to called off your wedding. When my friends tell me they’re getting married it takes everything in me not say “Congratulations, call me when you get divorced.” That’s not me being mean that’s just me embracing who I am.

Everyone always says play to your strengths and I do that. Ok, my strengths are a little meaner than most but in the world of friendships I play a vital role.

I love you guys and as always please stay safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch
xoxo

Trigger Point

I received a letter from the hospital today and it looks like the next course of treatment for my back is trigger point injections. We have tried this a few times before with rather mixed results. But at this point even if it gives me a little relief I’ll take it.

The treatment it’s self or at least last time I had it done, involved 8 needles filled with aesthetic and steroids injected into any place in my back that hurt or was tender. I’m not really sure what its theory or science behind it is but it seems to work ....sometimes. The first time I had it done my back actually got a lot worse. But that is one of the risks you’re told about. Rather that, than a punctured lung.

I’m willing to try anything when it comes to pain relief. Medical acupuncture is one of favorites for short term pain relief. I mean really short term 12 – 24 hours. It sounds weird but I find it really relaxing and it makes me sleepy. Which may be why I love it so much. I don’t sleep well with my back and after acupuncture I sleep like a baby.

I know this isn’t my normal blog topic but its part of what’s going on with me right now so I thought I’d share.

Anyways my dears I’m going to bed. Sweet dreams and as always stay safe.

Love

The Honest Bitch

xoxoxoxo

Rough Week

Hey Guys,

I’ve had a rough week and it’s kind of turned me into an evil bitch and I feel bad about it. Well kind of bad about it, my points were valid but I didn’t say it in the most lady-like way. It was more of the drunken sailor way of getting a point across.

I’ll try to explain why I’ve been so snappy. The reason is very simple. My back has been really bad. It sounds like nothing I know until you realise the effect it has on your normal life.

It’s a well known fact when you’ve been coping with long term pain some of it can just be in your mind, so to combat that I don’t listen to my body and I just carry on as normal until I literally end up on the ground. This is a stupid thing to do in all honestly and a major reason why my mood takes a knock.

When my back is at it worse, my normal life stops. I don’t go out, I don’t see friends, and I don’t chat much via text or online. I just lock myself away in my room and sleep a lot and do not much else. Locking myself away is good thing because when I’m in pain, I can’t play nice. My brain is busy thinking “pain, pain, pain” and it has no room to yell at me and say “reword that”.

I cope with my normal pain levels by having fun and just not taking things too seriously. This method fails when my pain level reaches level 8. At that point my sense of humour flees my body and I become evil and not much fun.

Luckily I’m feeling much better now and more like myself. I need to thanks Neal for sticking around. I won’t blame anyone for running away and hiding under their bed. Hell I think I would hide too.

Anyways my dears have a great weekend and as always stay safe.

Love

The Honest Bitch
xoxoxoxo

Perception

For as long as I can remember I’ve always had exceptional perception skills. I tend to pick up on things that others wouldn’t. I also have a habit of picking up on thing before the person themselves realize how they’re feeling. My perception skill are so good it’s often been suggested that I’m an empath. I don’t buy into that. I just listen to people and take notice when things, no matter how minor, change about them.

When you pick up on people’s emotions sometimes you see warning signs in people’s behaviour. This is all well and good if the person knows how they’re feeling but people like to deny their feelings and when I can see there is a problem or they're heading for one this can be a challenge.

I don’t want to see any of my friends hurt or overwhelmed and when I see these little warning signs I want to help and prevent it. I only have good intensions but because people sometimes can’t see what I see or are deny it they can take offence to anything I have to say.

I can’t begin to tell you how much it pisses me off when people snap at me because they just don’t want to admit they’re overwhelmed. When I get my kindness thrown back at me part of me just thinks “Fuck it, let them crash and burn”. It really gets to me when I trying to help someone and in returned I get bitched at. It’s not my fault you’re having problems, so why take it out on me?

Don’t get me wrong I’m always there if a friend needs to talk or just vent but I won’t be blamed or yelled at for things at have nothing to do with me. I’m happy to help and good the extra mile for my friends but sometimes I wonder why I bother. I mean there is no one there for me when I have a bad day. It just grates on me sometimes that the give and take in my friendships isn’t anywhere close to being even.

It’s not helping matters that my patience is almost nonexistent at the moment. My back pain has reappeared. I’ve gone from being nearly pain free for 3 months to being in 24 hours of consistent pain. Back pain is nothing new to me, but when it goes from nothing to consistent it just takes a while for my body to stop crying about it and just deal with it. So I think I may be a little touchier then normal too which isn’t a great thing.

Anyways my dears I’m heading off to watch the game. Have a good night and as always stay safe.

Love Always

The Honest Bitch
xoxoxoxoxo