Panic

God, it’s been years since I’ve had any sort of panic attack, but they’re still as horrible as I remember. And despite having claimed down, I’m still going to be a mess for hour. Nothing like a breakdown, with lots smoke on the side of a busy motorway to completely freak a person out.

I wasn’t having a good night before, evident by the fact that George, the other guy that works on nights, pulled me aside to ask if I was ok, and to say if I needed him, he was there. But that, that was the icing on a shit filled cake.

I’ve learned over the years, that when I have a panic attack I need someone to distract me, normally laughter will bring me out of it. However, at 06:30 in the morning, I’m pretty limited in my options. Given the fact I had just left work Larry was my first thought. He’s not my favorite person right now, but I’ll give him his dues he’s a funny guy and normally pretty good at cheering me up. Which, mad or not, when you feel like you’re going to die, is pretty helpful. However, I couldn’t get hold of him so I moved on to plan B. Waking up my mom, which I didn’t want to do because she’s sick, but I needed to, I was climbing the wall. I was losing rational thought quickly.

She quickly got me back to a place where I could think again and prevented me from doing anything stupid or dangerous, which at one point was a real possibility. Although shaken everything is fine…. Minus my car and my top that is currently soaked in tears.

I feel bad for anyone who deals with panic attacks on a regular basis, when I did my back I use to get them but not nearly this bad.  When I’m not in a great mind space I wear a necklace with my spirit animal on it, and when I’m worked up, I’ll rub it and try to focus on that and it meaning… works pretty well normally, does fuck all during a panic attack.

Kind of like Larry… that was humor not bitchiness. I’m sure he didn’t know quite how bad of shape I was in when I reached out. And I pray that nobody every sees me like that….I was beyond a mess.

Anyways, that was my rant, I’m going to go and cry for the next 2 hours because I have no control over that shit and I’ll speak you all tomorrow.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxox

Forced Holiday

I’m back.

I guess I should start by explaining my disappearing act. There isn’t actually much to tell. I was order by my doctor to take a few weeks off and relax.

He gave me this order, well; he actually didn’t give it to me, he gave it to my mom. Yes that’s right my mom. The doctor went over my head and gave it to my mom leaving me no choice in the matter.

He gave the order for two main reasons. The first is since my MRI I’ve been having panic attacks. Which my doctor says is due to stress. 18 doctors appointment in the first 4 months of 2012 will do that to a person. The second reason was my back was spasming and I had an appointment with a new doctor coming up. It was very likely at that first appointment he was going to do injections in my back which apparently is very hard to do when the back is spasming.

At first I wasn't a fan of these orders, I had things I needed to do and nobody was letting me do them. My mom actually went so far as to, hide my netbook and steal my PC keyboard. Charming I know.

After one final panic attack it became very clear I was taking this forced holiday whether I liked it or not and I should stop wasting my energy and just go with it.

I’m weird with panic attacks; I’m a very sane crazy person. I lay with my back against the wall looking at my door, because it stops that somebody is going to come up behind me and stab me feeling. As I’m lying there I’m thinking this is fucking crazy. My room is on the ground floor and at the front of the house, surely the window would be my biggest problem not the door. Like I said I’m a sane crazy person.

Despite the fact I thought I felt fine before my forced holiday I have to admit now my doctor was right. Even though it took me the best part of my time off to actually relax once I did, I could really feel the difference and as an added plus was my neck and back weren’t feeling so tight.

Or at least they weren’t until I met my new doctors yesterday, who I can safely say beat the living shit out of my back. I guess the upside is they decided, at least for now, they aren’t going to do any injections. Thank god for that. I’ve been under that fluoroscope so many times I think my ovaries are starting to glow in the dark.

After getting double teamed by two doctors yet again today, and let me add not in the good way, I’ve been given the green light to end my forced holiday. So I should be resuming my regular blogging schedule as of....now.

And if you ask me it’s not a second too soon, I’ve missed blogging. As always my dears stay safe,

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxo

MRI Panic

Sorry I didn't manage to get anything up yesterday, I was too busy stressing about my hospital appointment today. It was nothing major, just a MRI but I really didn't enjoy my last one and was completely dreading having to have another one.

I wouldn't consider myself claustrophobic or anything like that but that tube puts the fear of God in me. I can only explain the feeling as what it must feel like to be inside a coffin, a loud lighted coffin.

I didn't enjoy my last MRI but it went fine. I managed to get it done without any issues. It sucked but I figured I'd never have to have another one again.... I was wrong.

Today's MRI didn't go as well. I lost it.... Big time. I wasn't inside that coffin like to tube more than 2 minutes before they had to take me out. Apparently it's very common to have a panic attack inside a MRI machine. The tech was saying it's almost more common to have one then not. Which made me feel a little better, but I still feel like a big baby. They make it look so nice in the easy on TV.... Bunch of liars.

Luckily after I calmed down I managed to suck it up and have my MRI done. I just couldn't face the thought of having to come back and go through this all over again. So I just focused on my breathing and kept my eyes closed.  It still wasn't enjoyable in any shape or form but at least I got it done.

Needless to say I won't be agreeing to have another one done any time soon. But if it helps sort out my back I guess it was worth it.... Just. In all honesty I think I'd rather have the pain than the panic attack.

Stay safe and out of any coffin like tubes.

Love,

The Honest Bitch
xoxo