Thursday 20 August 2015


God, it’s been years since I’ve had any sort of panic attack, but they’re still as horrible as I remember. And despite having claimed down, I’m still going to be a mess for hour. Nothing like a breakdown, with lots smoke on the side of a busy motorway to completely freak a person out.

I wasn’t having a good night before, evident by the fact that George, the other guy that works on nights, pulled me aside to ask if I was ok, and to say if I needed him, he was there. But that, that was the icing on a shit filled cake.

I’ve learned over the years, that when I have a panic attack I need someone to distract me, normally laughter will bring me out of it. However, at 06:30 in the morning, I’m pretty limited in my options. Given the fact I had just left work Larry was my first thought. He’s not my favorite person right now, but I’ll give him his dues he’s a funny guy and normally pretty good at cheering me up. Which, mad or not, when you feel like you’re going to die, is pretty helpful. However, I couldn’t get hold of him so I moved on to plan B. Waking up my mom, which I didn’t want to do because she’s sick, but I needed to, I was climbing the wall. I was losing rational thought quickly.

She quickly got me back to a place where I could think again and prevented me from doing anything stupid or dangerous, which at one point was a real possibility. Although shaken everything is fine…. Minus my car and my top that is currently soaked in tears.

I feel bad for anyone who deals with panic attacks on a regular basis, when I did my back I use to get them but not nearly this bad.  When I’m not in a great mind space I wear a necklace with my spirit animal on it, and when I’m worked up, I’ll rub it and try to focus on that and it meaning… works pretty well normally, does fuck all during a panic attack.

Kind of like Larry… that was humor not bitchiness. I’m sure he didn’t know quite how bad of shape I was in when I reached out. And I pray that nobody every sees me like that….I was beyond a mess.
Anyways, that was my rant, I’m going to go and cry for the next 2 hours because I have no control over that shit and I’ll speak you all tomorrow.


The Honest Bitch 

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