I’m sure we’ve all been there; you let thing after thing
build up until inevitably you crack, probably because some considerate jerk asks
you if you’re ok. And inevitably instead of explaining what is actually wrong;
you go with the most obvious or least complicated answer. This inevitably
leads to you having to pretend to be ok, when you’re probably not, in order to
keep up the illusion that all that was wrong was that uncomplicated, super obvious thing. When in reality nothing feels alright and all you want to do is
curl up in a ball and cry.
That about sums things up with me right now. I’m faking ok, I’m fighting to be ok, but in reality everything kind of
feels awkward and forced.
I kind of lost it at work yesterday; a little thing here, a little thing there and then a not so little thing followed by a minor thing and then that inevitable question and I broke. Now, because we’re all friends here we know it was that "not so little thing" I was reacting to. But that was/ is complicated and not even straight in my own head at this point so clearly when asked I went for the simple answer.
That was all well and good until I had to go into work last night and pretend life is all rainbows and unicorns and pretend all my problems were solved. When in reality I’m going to have to sit here writing for 12 hours to even begin to wrap my head around the issue…. Or at least to figure out what to do with the issue; I know what the issue is. Or at least I think I do.
To try and keep up the illusion, I found myself repeatedly asking myself the question “what would I be doing” and forcing myself to go do those things; Feeling incredibly awkward and unnatural in the process.
Now I’m kind of at a lost on what to do? Do I fess up to what was really bothering. Even though I haven’t worked through all the details myself. Do I keep pretending until everything feels right again? Will it feel right again?
I’m in a one of the those loops where I just need to write and see what answers my brain comes up with, that said, I don’t even feel safe in doing that right now because I have a co-worker on the hunt for this blog and…. Talk about complicated.
Anyways, you gorgeous people I am going to go, and well, edit and post this since I’ve been AWOL for far too long, I promise to explain that at some point too but before I go I must leave you with a question. How do you fake being ok? Let me know your thoughts in the comment box below and as always, stay and play safe.
The Honest Bitch