I’m sure we’ve all been there; you let thing after thing
build up until inevitably you crack, probably because some considerate jerk asks
you if you’re ok. And inevitably instead of explaining what is actually wrong;
you go with the most obvious or least complicated answer. This inevitably
leads to you having to pretend to be ok, when you’re probably not, in order to
keep up the illusion that all that was wrong was that uncomplicated, super obvious thing . When in reality nothing feels alright and all you want to do is
curl up in a ball and cry.
That about sums things up with me right now. I’m faking ok,
I’m fighting to be ok, but in reality everything kind of feels awkward and forced.
I kind of lost it at work yesterday; a little thing here, a
little thing there and then a not so little thing followed by a minor thing and
then that inevitable question and I broke. Now, because we’re all friends here
we know it was that "not so little thing" I was reacting to. But that was/ is
complicated and not even straight in my own head at this point so clearly when
asked I went for the simple answer.
That was all well and good until I had to go into work last
night and pretend life is all rainbows and unicorns and pretend all my problems were solved.
When in reality I’m going to have to sit here writing for 12 hours to even
begin to wrap my head around the issue…. Or at least to figure out what to do with
the issue; I know what the issue is. Or at least I think I do.
To try and keep up the illusion, I found myself repeatedly
asking myself the question “what would I be doing” and forcing myself to go do
those things; Feeling incredibly awkward and unnatural in the process.
Now I’m kind of at a lost on what to do? Do I fess up to what
was really bothering. Even though I haven’t worked through all the details
myself. Do I keep pretending until everything feels right again? Will it feel
right again?
I’m in a one of the those loops where I just need to write
and see what answers my brain comes up with, that said, I don’t even feel safe
in doing that right now because I have a co-worker on the hunt for this blog and…. Talk
about complicated.
Anyways, you gorgeous people I am going to go, and well, edit
and post this since I’ve been AWOL for far too long, I promise to explain that
at some point too but before I go I must leave you with a question. How do you
fake being ok? Let me know your thoughts in the comment box below and as
always, stay and play safe.
Love,
The Honest Bitch
