Friday 29 March 2013

Hot Mess Easter

So the holiday the tradition lives on, this holiday I’ve been gifted bronchitis. I swear my body knows when I have down times and choices that time to not even try to fight off germs. Its like “you have time off so why not get sick? It’s a lot less work then trying to fight it off.” .......Stupid smart ass body.

So now on to what I actually want to talk about; songs that sum up relationships. Those songs the teleport you back in time to all those thoughts and memories of a past relationship. I don’t mean “your song” the one you first danced to or any of that. I mean one you listen to after the fact and just seem to sum it all up.

I’ve been listening to Hedley “Hot Mess” a lot lately and that’s the song that in my head sums of the whole Mr. X mess up. It might seem a little odd at first, mainly because you don’t tend to call men hot messes but minus the “disaster in a dress” thing (he’s more a disaster in a suit) the song sums it all up. Right down to the reason it went on for so fucking long and sadly the reason it could happen again I was addicted to the madness. When you’re a blogger madness is good for business, horrible for makeup though.

Chicken Man on the other hand is Bruno Mars “Marry You” that whole relationship was such an easy, fun and care free thing. I could easily see us in the middle of the night deciding we were bored so what the hell? “We’re looking for something dumb to do” is probably how our relationship started J

So what songs sum up your past relationships? Let me know in the comment below and well you’re at it tell me what home remedies you have for bronchitis? I hope you all have a fantastic Easter and as always stay and play safe.

The Honest Bitch 

Wednesday 27 March 2013


I’ve come to the conclusion men are illogical, because the qualities about me you’d think would be a big plus to men; apparently scares them.

I wouldn’t class myself as a tom-boy. I like a lot of girly things like the colour pink, chick flicks and I love my cocktails. I also wouldn’t class myself as a girly girl either because I hate shopping, I don’t do high heels and I haven’t worn a dress in.....all the time I’ve been in the UK come to think of it.

I’m what I’d class as 50/50. Growing up all my mom’s friends had boys so I’d watch wrestling, play video games and roughhouse with them. At home it was just me and my mom so we’d watch figure skating, gymnastic, do arts and crafts and I’d play Barbie’s. It’s what I’d call a well rounded childhood, and that balance continued into my adult life. 

I’m a huge hockey fan, I love to watch pretty much any violent sport you can think of, I can lose days playing video games but on the flip-side of that I love to watch gymnastics and figure skating, I enjoy going to the theatre and I can’t get enough trash TV. You’d think the last part would be the deal breaker but apparently not.

Apparently it’s “scary” when a girl can kick ass at COD, or can spend an evening drinking a beer watching and talking UFC with her friends. I always thought shared interests were suppose to be a plus not a negative.

I know when Chicken Man use to talk art or theatre with me it was awesome not scary. He was ridiculously knowledgeable, he put my knowledge to shame and I didn’t find that at all intimidating. So why on earth do men find my sports stat knowledge and video game playing ability scary?

I’m struggling to find the logic in the male mind. When a guy says a girl is “hot and knows her shit” and follows it up with “and that’s why I could never date her.” My head can’t compute that level of crazy.

Here’s what my friend Paul said when he tried to explain it to me; “No guy likes to lose a “who has the biggest cock contest” to a girl. You and your scary guy knowledge beats them hands down making them feel like they have a toddler’s ding-a-ling”. To that I say WTF????

Maybe this why some women choice to play dumb; it’s easier to stroke a man’s ego and have him explain things you already know, followed by the mandatory “oh, you’re so smart” then to sit there and debate whether or not that was goalie inference or not.

What do you guys think? And because that was vague should women play dumb in certain areas? Let me know what you think in the comment box below and as always my dears stay and play safe.


The Honest Bitch 

Saturday 23 March 2013


Someone left me a comment criticizing my choice in pseudonym; saying it was a very derogatory term. I couldn’t help but roll my eyes at the comment but it did make me wonder if others thought that way too.

I personally don’t think bitch is a derogatory term. I understand the dictionary doesn’t agree with me but the English language is always evolving and it takes time for the dictionary to catch up with reality.  There are new words added and definitions changed every year. Take “tweet” for example up until the end of 2011 according to the dictionary it was the chirp of a small bird; not a 140 characters of TMI.

I think bitch is kind of like that too, the dictionary has it as one thing but when you look at how it’s used in the real world it means something completely different. It’s not spiteful, lewd, difficult and overbearing women that are called bitches. It’s strong, independent women, who stand up for what they believe in and don’t back down that are called it.

I did a quick Google search to see what famous women have been branded as bitches, the list includes Jennifer Aniston, Jennifer Lopez, BeyoncĂ©, Julia Roberts, Judy Sheindlin (aka Judge Judy), Martha Stewart, Barbara Walters and Oprah.  If these women are bitches count me in.

Interesting side note almost all the women listed above are also listed as the most powerful women in Hollywood. Now that’s some food for thought.

When the word bitch is so often linked to such successful women it becomes a non-insult. Who wouldn’t want to share characteristics with these women? When some says “You’re a BITCH!” my reply is always “and?” I figure if women like Barbara Walters and Oprah are bitches it’s not a bad thing. Hell it’s probably a good thing.

But that’s just my opinion, what do you guys think, is bitch a derogatory term or a title that should be worn proudly? Let me know what you think in the comment box below and as always stay and play safe.


The Honest BITCH!!

Tuesday 12 March 2013

1-800 DICK WAD

Does horniness affect the male IQ or are men just born idiots?

Last night I received a text message from a guy I “dated” (and I use that term very loosely; we hung out a few times and slept together once) 4 years ago. The text read “miss you sexy x x x x” Now you don’t need to be a genius to know where he’s going with that message. So I replied back with “Really???” anybody who knows me can feel the sarcasm dripping off that message, but apparently he didn’t feel it because his reply was “mmmm so much x x”.

At that point my ability to play nice broke and I snapped back with “DO I LOOK LIKE A FUCKING 1-800 NUMBER???? I’m not here to service you dick wad!” I really wish I had thought of something better then dick wad but sadly in the heat of the moment I didn’t. I then shot off a message saying “Since you seem to be having trouble understanding English tonight, let me make this easy for you. I wouldn’t fuck you for all the Mojitos in Cuba.” Now that’s saying something we all know how fond I am of a Mojito.

I just don’t understand why guys pull this shit, surely using their hand or investing in a fleshlight is a whole lot easier. So I guess that’s my question to you, why do guys waste their time trying to get laid when there is a quicker and easier solution to the problem? Let me know what you think in the comment box below. And as always stay and of course play safe.


The Honest Bitch 

Saturday 9 March 2013

Fake Mother's Day

It’s time once again for me to start my yearly endeavour to find a Mother’s Day card that spells mom right. There will be no spelling it “mum” or “mummy” on my watch. In case you’re wondering why I’m talking about this in March, that’s because the UK seems to think Mother’s Day is a March holiday despite most of the world knowing otherwise.

Since moving to the UK I’ve called this March holiday “Fake Mother’s Day”. I don’t really celebrate it as Mother’s Day, I do give my mom a card and something small because I feel bad that her friends get gifts and she doesn’t but I save her real gift and nice card until Mother’s Day (the real one).

I did a little research on this (stop laughing I do actual research these blogs... sometimes) and it turns out I’m kind of right on the whole Mother’s Day thing.

What the UK calls “Mother’s Day” is actually something called “Mothering Sunday” which is a Christian holiday celebrated on the 4th Sunday of lent. Only the UK, Ireland and Nigeria celebrate “Mother’s Day” on that day. 

The day most of us know as Mother’s Day (the 2nd Sunday in May) turns out to be an American invention that only became a holiday in 1914 and has no religious ties at all. It’s just a day to honour mothers and motherhood. So there is your educational fact for the day.

Anyways I’m off to find a sharpie so I can change a “u” to an “o”. Have a fantastic weekend and tell me in the comments below why do they spell it with a “u” anyways? Isn’t it short for mother, where does the “u” come from?  As always stay and play safe.


The Honest Bitch 

Friday 8 March 2013

Life Lesson 384

Trying to write a blog; while on muscle relaxants and painkillers is a complete waste of time.

I woke up this morning to something I can only assume was my attempt at blogging last night. I’m fairly certain most of it wasn’t in English and I’m positive the “pink squidgy marshmallow man” I was writing about is actually my Animal pillow. At least I hope it is.

I’m a little hazy on the details of last night but my back feels much less evil today, so, cheer to the “pink squidgy marshmallow man” I guess lol

What is the last event in your life that you’re a little hazy about? Let me know in the comment box below and while you’re at it what else could “pink squidgy marshmallow man” be? As always stay and play safe.


The Honest Bitch 

Sunday 3 March 2013

The Downgrade Effect

I’m going to start this by saying outright I am a bad person. So keep my open admission in mind while you’re reading the rest of this post lol.

Recently I gave into temptation and internet stalked the girl who put an end to a “relationship” I was in. Like I said I’m a bad person but it gets worse. Once her picture popped up something interesting happened....

I felt instantly better.

I was staring at a girl who looked like she was plucked from the cast of “Little Women”.  I’m trying to be nice here but the woman was the definition of homely. And to be honest it made me smile (once again I know I’m a bad person). It’s one thing when your friends tell you you’re better looking than your exes new girlfriend but it’s quite another when you can sit there yourself and honestly know you are better looking.

It’s an amazing feeling; one so awesome that it takes away all those hurt and angry feeling you have bottled up. It’s that wonderful feeling of knowing his new girlfriend isn’t even on par with you. I call it “The Downgrade Effect”. As bad as this sounds; it’s a very similar feeling to that warm and fuzzy feeling you get from doing charity work. (Once again I’m aware I’m a bad person)

This could have so easily gone the other way, there was a 50/50 chance that she could have been smoking hot and if that were the case I’d be suffering from the “Upgrade Effect” right now. Which normally involves crying and a large bottle of tequila, but luckily for me that wasn’t the case. *Even while typing this I can’t help but smirk* (Bad person, I know)

So what upgrade or downgrade experiences do you have? Let me know in the comment box below and as always my dears, stay and play safe.


The Honest Bitch