“I Swear On My Vibrator”

We all have our idiotisms, my friend Jeff has “does that come with beer?” Kelly has “I'm not drunk the ground’s lonely.” Shell has “I think there’s a monkey in his pants.”  And I have “I swear on my vibrator”.

Despite the fact they’re all not normal things to say, it’s only mine that sparks conversation...and if you ask me mine’s the only one that actually makes sense.

I mean hugs, visiting the hospital or walking a friend home clearly don’t come with beer so Jeff is crazy.

Even if the ground is lonely I doubt falling on it and then hugging it would solve millions of years of loneliness so Kelly is nuts.

And I’m sure that grumpy guy or the guy hitting on girls at the bar isn’t hiding a monkey in his pants. I mean surely it’d crawl out the leg or something so Shell is bananas.

A single girl with no current fuck-friends swearing on her vibrator, to me at least, that makes perfect sense.

Let’s think about this, the idea is when you swear on something or someone you’re putting it out there for the universe to destroy if what you’re saying is a lie.

So bearing that in mind having a non-religious person swear on the Bible or to God is kind of pointless. And when someone swears on another human being you always run the risk that they never really liked that person in the first place. I mean I have a few exes (and a cousin) I wouldn’t mind the universe destroying.

So the best way to ensure a truthful statement has to be having the person swear on something they love and or need.

Which brings me back to the vibrator; think about it for a second, what single fuck-friendless girl is going to risk the universe destroying her vibrator? See, told you it wasn’t crazy.

So what idiotisms do you and your friends have and would you risk the universe destroying your vibrator? Let me know in the comment box below. And as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxoxo

Life Lesson 384

Trying to write a blog; while on muscle relaxants and painkillers is a complete waste of time.

I woke up this morning to something I can only assume was my attempt at blogging last night. I’m fairly certain most of it wasn’t in English and I’m positive the “pink squidgy marshmallow man” I was writing about is actually my Animal pillow. At least I hope it is.

I’m a little hazy on the details of last night but my back feels much less evil today, so, cheer to the “pink squidgy marshmallow man” I guess lol

What is the last event in your life that you’re a little hazy about? Let me know in the comment box below and while you’re at it what else could “pink squidgy marshmallow man” be? As always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxoxo

Shit My Friend's Say

I have the best group of friends a person could ask for; however they aren’t the sanest group of people you’ll ever meet. We all have a love for something creative be it art, writing, acting or music; we’re all very creative people.

There is a stereotype that creative people are kind of nuts and well, we don’t disappoint on that front.  The things that come out of our mouths are enough to make the average person wonder about our mental stability. However when we can make someone inside our group think that, well that’s just impressive.

This week my friends have been on fire, so I thought I’d share some of the funny, random and downright head hurting stuff that has flown out of their mouths.

Starting with......

“I am a horny ice cube.” – This is, believe it or not, how one of my dear friends introduced himself to someone I use to work with. Some who I’m willing to bet is un-friending me on Facebook as I write this.

“We’ve all been there a hot guy undresses and then boom there it is a tiny penis and instantly he’s hotness diminishes by like 600%. Do men have that same problem?” I have no comment for this at all, unless you want to answer her “do men have that same problem?” Sometimes I think I need new friends.

“Sex is like riding a kangaroo.” I can’t tell you where she was going with this one because she never got to finish it, because that’s what happens when you randomly blurt out “sex is like riding a kangaroo.”

“The stars are like the sun’s illegitimate bastard children.” This was said when I had people over for a late Thanksgiving last weekend. We were sat outside waiting for dessert and this gem fell out of one my friend’s mouths.

“Men like women to wear make-up while they’re having sex so they can tell if they’re doing a good job or not. The more clown-like the make-up looks the better job he did.” .......Really I think I could use some new friends. On second thought that one could be true, men’s minds are pretty messed up places after all.

So that’s some of the random things that my friends have said, what random things have your friends said let me know in the comment box below and as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch
xoxoxo

No Small Talk

I have a friend who a while back was talking about how he couldn’t stand small talk. And for once I actually agreed with him on something. So now 90 percent of the time I just say or ask what I want without the hassle of making small talk first.

My friends are pretty use to it now, most of the time. The big issue comes when I talk to someone new who isn’t use to my straight forwardness. It tends to catch people off guard.

I mean if someone sent you a message out of the blue that said “where do you hide porn?” how would you take it?

Personally I’d just answer the question but not everyone works like that. People have a nasty habit of getting offending. I’d ask why the question is being asked before putting the effect in to be offending.

Then again I’m not the sort of person who is easily offended. I worked customer service for many years; I developed a pretty thick skin doing that, that and a hatred for most people.

I think the last thing that truly offended me was, shock horror Mr. X. We were talking in the back of his car and he said something about his parents and I replied jokingly “well remind me keep a ways away if I ever meet them.” To which he snapped “don’t worry you’ll never met them.” That one got my back up. I actually, come to think of it, haven’t seen him since he said that to me.

The difference being I was offended by a statement rather than an open ended question that could be interpreted many ways. People jump to conclusions when it comes to my random, out of the blue questions. And personally I think it’s their conclusions that offend them rather than my questions. But they’ll never admit it.

Anyways my dears, I’m heading off for the night. As always stay safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 
xoxo