Friday, 16 August 2019

New Title?

It’s been a few weeks since our nightshift meet up, and I was a little worried how meeting people in person would affect our relationships on nights. My fears weren’t founded at all, if anything, it’s brought us all closer together, so much so we’re planning a night out in September to get more of us together.

The funny thing is since meeting, Tyler has given in and has started calling me his work wife. I’ve joked for month about us being married, if you ever listen to us sort issues out, you’d understand. We work fantastic together, but to anyone from the outside is sounds like an old married couple. He’s always fought that title; he’s now embracing it. Along with his new favorite saying, “happy work wife, happy life.” I’m not loving that one.

But, it’s nice to see we don’t hate each other now that we’ve met. Anyways, I just wanted to fill you guys in my new title and make the most of being stuck in bed… I hurt my neck and get a blog written. As always, stay and play safe.


The Honest Bitch

Friday, 9 August 2019

Nights Meet Up

Last weekend I finally had the pleasure of meeting the lovely Tyler in person. Tyler, myself and another co-worker took advantage of Tyler being temporarily relocated and arranged a nightshift meet up.

It was nice to finally put faces to names. Tyler and I got there first and grabbed a drink and hung out for around an hour before our other co-worker showed up. I hate to break your little dreamer hearts, but there were no sparks there. But it was strange, I wasn’t nervous at all to meet him. I am not super social these days, so normally I get a little nervous… not at all with him. On the other hand, with my other co-worker I definitely was.

I guess since I spend at least 8 hours a night talking to Tyler on the phone, there was nothing to be worried about. If you can chat for that long and it not be awkward, a few hours at the pub is nothing.

It was a good afternoon. It’s nice to know the team is as lovely in person as they seem on the phone. I’m sure we will do it again and hopefully the rest of the A team will be able to join us.

Anyways, my dears, I am off to enjoy what remains of my day off. However, before I go I have this question for you; do you get on with your co-workers? Let me know your thoughts in the comments below. As always, stay and play safe.


The Honest Bitch

Friday, 2 August 2019

My Mouth Gets Me in Trouble…Again

I really am starting to long for the days when I had patience. I have always had a smart-ass mouth, that’s nothing new, but back in the day I use to have the patience and will to hold it back. Nowadays, it just runs wild, like an angry Canadian goose.

Recently my mouth has gotten me in trouble at work. I may or may not have sent an email that I shouldn’t have. I blame Tyler for this. He’s recently been away being groomed for management, so he hasn’t been on the end of the phone. Normally he would have talked some sense into me, however, this time I was left to my own devices… which never ends well.

 I did manage to talk my way out of more serious consequences, but prevention is better than cure and had Tyler been around I am sure I wouldn’t have found myself in that situation.

Tyler is fantastic at balancing me. None of that he’s the yin to my yang bull. It’s more he’s so laid back; he borrows some of my “grr” and leaves me more “purr”.

I spent years saying I like my men to have a little “grr” to them. After being single for… sometime, I’ve developed that grr myself. It might even be possible I’ve over developed it. But, hey, better over than under, I guess.

Anyways, I am off to have a pamper night, since I’m planning on meeting the lovely Tyler in person tomorrow. I’d like to look almost human. But before I go, I will leave you with this question when was the last night your mouth got you in trouble? Let me know in the comments below. And as always, stay and play safe.


The Honest Bitch

Friday, 26 July 2019

Everything Happens For A Reason

I’m not religious, I don’t believe God is up there micromanaging every detail of our lives; but I do believe everything happens for a reason. Life is a big chain event and things must happen to move the story along.

This was reinforced to myself this week. I was at the hospital being trained on my mother equipment, by that guy I blew off all those years ago and it hit me. Had I not blown him off and we dated long term, got married. He won’t be able to treat my mother now. It’s his department, he’s one of the best there and she wouldn’t be able to have his care. I am very lucky, I did what I did, I mean he's lovely, it could have gone the other way. But it was around the time of Mr. X and that Muppet ruined a lot of potential. But it's funny how it all worked out.

Just a little food for thought. I am off to try and recover from my training. Side note; blood isn’t my friend, I nearly passed out. As always, my dears, stay and play safe.


The Honest Bitch

Friday, 19 July 2019

Kicking Butt

Once in a while, it’s nice to be reminded that you are vastly more competent and able than you give yourself credit for. Once in a while, management shitting on, gives you a chance to shine. And despite the fact they won’t see that, it’s a good reminder to yourself that you do indeed kick ass.

Thanks to my company deciding that holiday cover and sick cover isn’t a thing they should concern themselves with, I got a reminder that I’m awesome. I’ve been with my company over 4 years now, my depot has been open just over 4 years and was one of the 1st to open. So, by default I am one of the longest serving night operators in the company. And for most of my shift I am the longest serving on shift. Thanks to that… I know things… Not things I’ve been training on necessarily, but I have picked up.

Last week, I was running not 1, not 2 but 3 depots, and these depots weren’t in the same location, they actually couldn’t have been farther apart. Plus, I was running one of our biggest contacts while doing tech support on a new system we recently launched. And I smashed it.

I did everything that should have been done, missed nothing and even got my paperwork done. I received zero thanks for it, but I don’t care. It’s nice to know, what I’m capable of.  Other operators always say I am good at my job, but I don’t see it or feel it anymore. It’s just second nature. That was a test, and it felt good. I don’t want to do every day, but I almost enjoyed it.

I am off to drink because that may have gone well, but my last shift didn’t. What was your last personal or professional victory? Let me know in the comments below and as always stay and play safe.


The Honest Bitch

Friday, 12 July 2019

Weird Dream Freak Out

 I had a weird, weird dream last night and I think I might be done with the whole sleeping thing now. Science still doesn’t fully understand the function of dreaming; some say it’s your subconscious, some say it’s to help deal with emotions or decision making. I don’t care what the reason is I just think my dream system is drunk.

 The dream started off pleasant enough; a group of my work colleagues and I were out for a meal and drinks before a big meeting the following day. It was getting late and we had an early morning we all went back to our hotel rooms.

Tyler and I were sharing a room, we went to the room opened the door and there was a giant bed instead of the 2 bed there should have been. This wouldn't have phased me in reality and didn’t in the dream either. We are both adults and the bed was a super, massive, giant king that could have fit 15 people.

We got into our pjs and decided to order room service; I mean the company was paying so I think dream us did the right thing. It appeared we ordered popcorn, chocolate and sweets because clearly, we’re classy like that. We turn on a film and watched that, giggling and have a good time.

I can only assume we fell asleep at some point, because the dream continued with me waking up in the night to move a blanket slightly. At which point I noticed Tyler was cuddled up to me, all big spoon like. Nothing wrong with that, it was actually sweet. Also, please note, our pjs were still on and everything in this dream was 100% PG.

I snuggled back into him and fell asleep. I then wake up, in a different bed, Tyler was still the big spoon, I was still happily snuggled up… however, I was no longer the little spoon, I was the middle spoon and there was a baby asleep in my arms.

At which point I woke up in a complete panic, as if Freddy Krueger had just showed up. I was freaked out to a whole new level. I don't have these kinds of dreams. What the actual hell? There is no need for that dream. That dream has no purpose. What the hell brain? You have some explaining to do. And clearly some sobering up to do as well. Actually, don’t explain yourself, I don’t want to know… just don’t ever do it again.

Where the hell did the baby even come from? Did a stork bring it? Why was I co-sleeping? Since when do PG snuggles land you in an 18-year mini prison? So many questions.

Clearly, my dreams are out to get me, and sleep is a thing I need to quit with immediate effect. What is the strangest dream you’ve had? And do you think it meant anything? Let me know your thoughts in the comments below. And, as always stay and play safe.

The Honest Bitch

Friday, 5 July 2019

Halfway There

Welcome to July ladies and gentlemen. The year is officially half over, and it seems like now is as good a time as any to reflex on the year so far and to see where we are with the goals we set in January. Hopefully we can point ourselves in the right direction to actually achieve some of those goals before we run out of time.

Let’s start with my “love life”. Yep, it’s so bad it gets quotation marks. Still single, still mainly ok with it. This year, I feel, isn’t the year for that. It sucks knowing time is against me, but I need to be a good me before I can be there for someone else.

My job is next up on the list. I still have a love hate relationship with it. The hate isn’t that strong at the moment, but I know it’s just around the corner. I feel my July review will be telling. I have other offers and depending on what is said and what money is offered, it may be time to move on.

Next is my blog. I am not sucking at this one. I haven’t missed a week yet. My numbers are looking good. My ad revenue blows; I think I was actually making more when I wasn’t posting regularly. But, that’s AdSense for you. I’m still not rocking the social media side of things, but baby steps. I’m happy where I am at the moment.

My health was the last goal I wrote about in January; it’s a thing. I have stuck to using my treadmill every day. I feel better for it. My weight still isn’t a focus, but I think I may be getting to a better place where it can be. I feel a lot less mentally exhausted. I think my head is finally wrapped around everything, at least for now.

And that’s where we are halfway through the year. Some progress has been made. Some more could be made. But, so far, so average. That brings me to the question of the blog; How are you doing with your goals for 2019? Let me know your thoughts in the comments below. And, as always, stay and play safe.


The Honest Bitch

Friday, 28 June 2019

Friends In Low Places

As much as I can find my job soul sucking and absolutely hate it at times, I also realise I am very lucky to work with the bunch of people I do. Night workers in general tend to have closer bonds. I think it has to do with having no management around and having to work together to make things work. But the group I currently have a special and just when you’re at your lowest they have a way of reminding of that.

Recently I was thrown to the sharks, made to cover 3 contracts with next to no training. Admittedly, I had done one of them before, however, that was 3 and half years ago, but my training on that was seriously outdated. My teammates around the country, knowing I was struggling, jumped in to save me. Nobody had to do anything, but without evening asking they happily helped.

I couldn’t be more thankful or grateful for the team of people I have around me. The job may suck, but the people are second to none. And, it just goes to show it’s good to have friends in low places.

Love ya,

The Honest Bitch

Friday, 21 June 2019

Joining Team Tyler?

After my “date” with Mr. Block and some soul searching, I may be coming around to this whole Team Tyler way of thinking.

I’ve said it many times, Tyler is a lovely guy, I can’t fault him. I was thinking about this other night he actually reminds me a lot of my backup plan pact friends from school. You know the pact, if we’re not married by X age, we’ll marry each other. I had a couple of them and not surprisingly, they all got married. They were lovely guys. The ones your mother didn’t mind hanging out in your bedroom because they were nice boys.

I’m a little said they all got married off. I briefly dated one of them while we were in school, and I ended up breaking up with him because of peer pressure. He wasn’t cool enough. Not my brightest move, but he’s living his best life these days. Happily married with kids and is still a sweetheart. We still talk occasionally.

Tyler reminds a lot of that boy particularly. Something about being a voice of reason when my brain wants chaos. And his ability to actually make me listen. Which is rare; I can only think of a handful of people that can do that and even fewer that manage to do that without being a twatbag (Mr. X being the one that comes to mind with that description).

I don’t know, maybe you guys aren’t so crazy. Or maybe I’ve just had too much blue agave juice… nope, that sounded sound any better than tequila. It was worth a shot.

Anyways, I am off to enjoy my last few hours of freedom before work sucks all the life out of me. But before I go, I have this question for you; Are you Team Tyler? Let me know your thoughts in the comments below and as always. Stay and play safe.


The Honest Bitch

Friday, 14 June 2019

It Actually Happened

Here’s a blog I never thought I’d be writing; After being cancelled on, what must have been 15 times, I finally met Mr. Block. And I can safely say it wasn’t worth the wait.

Here’s what happened; It was his birthday and I sent him a generic happy birthday message on Facebook. He responded back and we ended up chatting. Nothing flirty at all just normal friendly chat. He mentioned during the conversation he was spending his birthday alone. I didn’t take much notice, but it said it again later and apparently my heart isn’t completely stone because I felt bad for him.

I told him if he wanted, I would come around for a drink since nobody should spend their birthday alone… Unless you’re me and that’s your idea of a fantastic birthday. So, after a little back and forth it was decided I’d go around.

He lives in a lovely area, it was nice driver, highlight of the experience really.  Once I found the place, he came out to get me, said he hi and to follow him and that was about it. The apartment was cute, very single guy basic. Nothing wrong with that. He got me a beer; he was drinking Bud Light. That’s not normal. What dude drinks Bud light? Hell, I don’t know any girls that drink that shit. He sat down and chatted about work. He apparently got a promotion and pay raise, just that week. Men who brag about that stuff on a first date normally have a small… personality that’s all I’m saying. And we watched a little TV.

The beer was the first little warning, the second was the tv programming, murder, all murder shows. I love true crime, but not really something I’d watch with someone I just meet. I was a little worried I was going to end up on one of those shows.

He then tried to put the “moves” on me as if he was 12. He kept inching his hand towards mine, brushing my hand. I ended grabbing his hand to stop whatever he was doing.  I also think he tried to kiss me a couple times, but I dodged and played dumb.

I ended up leaving around 23:00 I only stayed a couple of hours. He didn’t try anything when I left, which I found weird. No hug, or attempt at kiss, he just waved and didn’t even walk me back to my car. The whole night was just weird.

Not sure I’ll be doing it again, but glad to have crossed it off the list. Anyways, I am going to go and enjoy the remaining few hours of my holiday. Before I go I have this question for you; Do you trust a guy who drinks light beer? Let me know in the comments below. And as always stay and play safe.


The Honest Bitch

Friday, 7 June 2019

A Problem Only I Could Have

Recently I met our trainer for dialysis, the person who will be coming to our house each day for 3 weeks to train both my stepdad and I on how to run the lines and things like that. Slight issue… I know him.

The real issue…. I dated him… can’t remember if I slept with him, but, it's a possibility. But yeah, I  definitely dated him and I’m pretty sure I did a disappearing act on him. From what I remember he was really clingy, and I found it super off putting, as you would, so.... I stopped replying to him.... with no explanation.

I was kind of hoping he didn’t remember me, but the fact he wished me happy birthday on Facebook leads me to believe otherwise. I swear if the ghosts weren’t bad enough, now I have a zombie on my hands. I can’t catch a break. Although, even I’ll admit this kind of funny. In a if I didn’t laugh, I’d cry kind of way.

Wish me luck, I may need it. I’d leave you with a question of the blog, but the only one I can think of is; Does anyone know any good hiding spots? Stay safe my dears… and be careful whom you date.


The Honest Bitch


Friday, 31 May 2019

Team Tyler

A lot of you have been asking for an update on Tyler, and I don’t really have one; Nothing has changed. I know a lot of you think he’s “the one” or “he’s perfect for me”. I think you’ve all watched one too many rom coms.

Don’t get me wrong, I love Tyler to bits, he plays a very important role in my life; keeping me sane and stopping me falling to pieces. I’m very grateful to have him around. Somehow, he has found a way to bring out the non-evil bitch in me even though I was positive that side of me was dead. I wouldn’t trade him for the world.

That said, we share different wants in life. He doesn’t want kids, I… haven’t made that choice yet. He doesn’t see himself getting married. I do. He doesn’t want to relocate, I can’t. He is very extroverted, while I’d happily never leave my house again. People are very peopley and I just can’t these days. I understand the why your Team Tyler, he is a great guy, but I don’t see it happening and I'm positive he doesn’t see it happening either.

Love you guys, thanks for not writing off my love life just yet. I’ll leave you with this question; is “the one” an actual thing or are we all deluding ourselves? Let me know your thoughts in the comments down below. And as always, stay and play safe.


The Honest Bitch

Friday, 24 May 2019

And Another Ghost

I kind of feel like something has happened to awaken the dead, and it needs to piss off and take all the ghosts it stirred up with it. I don’t have the patience, time, want nor will to deal with any of them and apparently the memo regarding that was either not dispatched or is just being ignored, and I am about to snap.

The latest ghost to rear its ugly head, is even more retro than Mr. X. This one dates back 19 years. He lived from the time I was 13 until I’m guessing around 19 – 20. He sent me a message on Facebook asking how I was and talking about old times, saying we should meet up… I wasn’t biting. As we know I’ve dealt with many ghosts before I’m basically I pro at this point.

He did say something while I was ignoring him that still has me laughing. “u lost ur v plates to me”. What the actual fuck? Is this meant to be a positive thing? It was 18 years ago… my virginity would be an adult by now. I thank you for setting the bar so low, but really, what relevance does that have at this point in life. Also, what adult types like that? Grow up. P.S this twat-bag is married so it gets even better.

Anyways, I am going to go and hide from these ghosts because this isn’t funny anymore. As always, my dears, stay and play safe.


The Honest Bitch 

Friday, 17 May 2019

Happy Birthday To Me

“Happy birthday to me. Happy birthday to me. Happy birthday, happy birthday, happy birthday to me.”

It’s my birthday today, and a good sign I am old is my birthday fell on a Friday and I’m spending it at home, in bed, just chilling all by myself. And I can’t think of a better way to spend the day. Although I’m not sure if that’s my age or just the fact I hate 99% of people.

 I’m sure I should be stressed about life, and about being a scary age and having to make some life decisions, but I’ve decided to take the day off stressing. Those worries will all be there tomorrow, today is just about relaxing and being.

I am off to enjoy a birthday drink and play the Sims. As always, stay and play safe.


The Honest Bitch 

Friday, 10 May 2019

Not Dealing With Stress

I’ve learned throughout the years that if I ignore stress it will manifest itself in physical symptoms. Most commonly for me is a sharp pain in my left shoulder. While it sucks; I can cope with that fairly well. I handle it better than real stress anyways. That said, it appears my body has gotten wise and has upped its game.

The pain in my shoulder, morphed into tension across basically every muscle in my body. I feel like I may snap in half at any moment, my body has no flexibility. When that didn’t cause me to deal with things it moved to screwing with my sleep. I’ve developed a death gripe in my sleep. If I am lucky, I grab onto blankets or pillows and not let go. If I am lucky, I grab onto myself, which results in bruise of whatever body part I grabbed, thigh, arm, wrist.

Now, that it appears we’ve moved on to vibrating. Which it’s new and I’m already bored of. Like, come on body can you just not let me be? This one is weird. It’s like I’m shaking, but faster. Apparently, a lot of people say it feels like an electric toothbrush. I can really put it into words other than to say it I’ve over it.

I don’t know what I am meant to do to deal with the stress, to relieve the issues. My mom is dying, it’s stressful. The end of that is her dead and that’s way more stressful. Seems like I can’t fucking win this one.

Anyways, I am going to go and do something to take my mind off things. As always stay and play safe.


The Honest Bitch

Friday, 3 May 2019

Are You Happy?

Despite my conversation with Mr. X being brief it may have opened a can of worms I didn’t intend for it to. I asked him if he was finally happy. And to my shock, he said yes. He then turned the tables and asked me if I was happy.

That’s a question, and not a straight forward one, although he got a straight forward answer. It’s a difficult question. I’m not unhappy. I have happy moments if that counts for anything. I’m kind of just being. I don’t think I’m even allowed to be happy right now. I don’t know.

It’s a strange question. And to be honest, I’m less than happy he claims to happy these days. His misery gave me hope. Shocking, Mr. X kicks me while I’m down one last time. And he doesn’t even realize. What a prick.

Anyways, I am going to go drink because alcohol is a solution. Before I go I shall leave you with this question; Are you happy? Let me know in the comment down below. As always, stay and play safe.


The Honest Bitch  

Friday, 26 April 2019

One Ghost Down, Another One Up

When one ghost vanishes another one pops up and this one my friends, is a good one.  After being absent for nearly 2 years Mr. X popped up and I’m not sure what to make of it. He popped up in the most small talking way possible, it throw me off. As we all know, he doesn’t do small talk and I don’t do it either. I trait to this day I blame him for.

The shoe failed to drop during the conversation. I’m not sure what the motivation was… and I’m sure there was a motivation. Don’t get me wrong, I have actually missed him, and thought about messaging him myself, but what does one say to a ghost?

The conversation was painless and kept fairly brief. It was just weird. However, it’s been a nice distraction so I’m not complaining. Just thrown off my game by the whole thing.

Anyways, I am off to job hunt, that’s a story for another day. But before I go, I will leave you with this question; Why do you think Mr. X popped up? Let me know your thoughts in the comments below and as always stay and play safe.


The Honest Bitch 

Friday, 19 April 2019

Mr. Block Vanishes

So… it appears I may have broken Mr. Block and I’m finding the whole thing hilarious. He tried to cancel on me yet again and I called him out on his bullshit and informed him I was so confident he’d cancel I had actually made other plans. At which point he decided he was joking, and I told him that was fine, my plans with him came first, he responded by vanishing off the planet.

What a gem he clearly is. Guys like that actually make dying alone appealing.

I haven’t heard from him in around 2 weeks, so I am assuming he’s dead. No real heart break there We all knew what he was and now he’s out of the way to make room for the next reject.

I am off to try and get things done, before I fall asleep again. Fighting off this bug going around is hard work. As always, my dears stay and play safe.


The Honest Bitch

Friday, 12 April 2019

Sticking At 31

My birthday is fast approaching, and I’m not really thrilled about the concept of getting any older. I handled turning 30 ok, 31 was fine… 32 on the other hand, nope, don’t want to do it.

In my head, rightly or wrongly, I need to have my shit together by the time I turn 33 if I have any plan to have kids. Now, I’m not sure I want kids, but realistically 35 is the cut off for that, the risks get scary after that point. I’m single so I’d like to get to know the guy who is going to ruin my body, so I need to have met him by 33. I have a year to make my mind up and meet someone. Can anyone else hear that loud fucking ticking sound?

I’m not sure where I am meant to find the time to figure this all out and to meet someone and wow, my head actually hurts.

I think the plan is to cancel my birthday and stick at 31 for another year, I can do that right? Anyways, how do you cope with that loud ticking sound? Let me know your thoughts in the comments below and as always stay and play safe.


The Honest Bitch

Friday, 5 April 2019

Taking Control Update

On January 1St I wrote a post about taking control; understanding there are many things that are going to happen this year that are out of my hands and I can’t do anything to control that. However, there are many things I can control, and I need to take ownership on that. That post went live January 11Th, it is now coming up to April 11Th, so I thought I’d give you an update 4 months on.

The first thing I wanted to take control of was my blog. So far so good. I am yet to miss a Friday, which is a lot better than I managed in 2018, I think I made it to February before I missed a post. I’d love to step up my social media game, get that back to where it used to be. But I am happy with the small steps.

I also wanted to take control of my health and build some healthy habits. They say it takes 3 full months to build a habit; I think it may take longer, as none of it is second nature yet. That said, I haven’t missed a day on my treadmill. I’ve slowly built up the time. I do a minimum of 20 minutes every day. I’m feeling better for it. I’ve also cut back on takeout. I only allow myself to indulge once a week and I’m actually in credit with that. Weight loss needs to follow suit soon, however, I’m not ready for that just yet. I have, however, loss 5lbs just making the small changes I have.

The last thing I wanted to take control of was my job. I’ve not done much with this yet. I’m holding out until our July reviews to see what information I can get and how it goes. I don’t dislike my job. I am struggling at the moment with the people part of my job, but I am struggling with people in life, so I don’t want to jump to any conclusions. I need to look at this and sort a long-term plan, but I am not in the mindset to do that yet.

That’s where we are so far. It was actually nice to write this. I hadn’t realised how much progress I had made. I’m feeling slightly less hopeless now. Before I disappear, I have this question for you; what process have you made this year? Let me know in the comments below. And, as always, make sure you stay and play safe.


The Honest Bitch

Friday, 29 March 2019

The Universe Hates Me

When you make/ date mistakes in your youth why does nobody warn you those mistakes will keep haunting you? I am nearly 32 years old, why on earth are guys I had one-night stands with when I was 20 still messaging me?  Why are guys I flirted with at a job I had nearly 8 years ago messaging me? Why the hell are guys, I hadn’t responded to in 3 years still messaging me? What the heck is wrong with me that those are my options?

I try to remain good humoured in all of this. I have to, after all I’ve made a career out of having a shitty love life. However, there reaches a point where it’s not funny anymore. The joke gets old. I’m not asking for a lot in a partner, I’m really not. Yet, the universe seems to take enjoyment in throwing fuckwits at me, and not even new fuckwits, the universe is too lazy for that, it recycles fuckwits!

I’m perfectly fine on my own. I’ve said this before, I’d make a lousy girlfriend right now. However, given all the energy the universe seems to spend replaying my poor choices on a seemingly never-ending loop. Surely it could throw me a fucking bone.

A nice guy, with manners, who enjoys cuddles and doesn’t mind a little makeup on his shirt, because god knows I can’t hold my shit together these days. Not a lot to ask really. Surely that would take less effort than tormenting me.

Anyways, now that I’ve gotten that rant off my chest I am going to go and enjoy my holiday from work. But before I go, I have this question for you; do you ever feel like the universe hates you? Let me know your thoughts in the comment below and as always stay and play safe.


The Honest Bitch

Friday, 22 March 2019

I am struggling

I’ve always seen blogging as a form of therapy, and right now I am hoping it’ll work in a similar way.  I don’t really want to write or talk about what’s going on, but I need to do something because my sanity is feeling really fragile.

My mother’s latest test results were poor. Nothing was tracking where it should be. Her liver function is down. She has fluid around the lungs and the doctor aren’t happy with how her heart is functioning. I’m not sure if you know this, but the number 1 cause of death in people with kidney disease isn’t kidney failure; its other organs, normally the heart or lungs that stop functioning due to a build-up of fluids in the body.

My mom is handling things like she always does, she’s a rock. I, on the other hand, am holding things together just enough to get by. I am struggling, a lot, and I am not sure what I am meant to do to snap out of this. I want to enjoy what time I have left with her but seeing her like this is hard. It’s funny, she’s carrying on and I’m the one struggling to get out of bed.

Anyways, my eyes are doing that thing where water floods out of them at a rate that is embarrassing, so I am going to go and get ready for work. I’m not going to leave with you any questions. Just remember to stay safe.


The Honest Bitch

Friday, 15 March 2019

Mr Block Returns

It may be a brand-new year; however, it seems I’m still plagued by old ghosts. It appears after a silent few months Mr. Block has decided it is time to resume his hunting and unlucky for him my patience for his bull is at an all-time low.

On February 27Th he reappeared with a “Hello Stranger, have you missed me?” Without missing a beat, I replied “can’t say that I have.” However, he wasn’t phased and preceded to tell me he was sorry and how he’s grown up. He went one to tell me he was making it his mission to prove to me he’s changed. All my brain was thinking during all this was “yep, this is why I am going to die alone.”

After a few messages back and forth, his motive became clear to me. He explained that at the end of March he was moving to a place about 15 miles from me. He hasn’t come out and said anything, yet, but to me it would appear he’s after a dial-a-hoe, and my location makes me perfect in his eyes for that.

Now, I could be wrong. He may have changed or grown up, but that seems unlikely and I am far too old to deal with that shit. Having someone like Tyler around has reminded me that not all guys are twats and I shouldn’t have to put up with this crap. That said, part of me wants to meet him for a drink so at least I’ve gotten a drink out of this shit show. So… I don’t know.

Anyways, I am going to go and enjoy what remains of my night off, but before I go, I have this question for you; should I meet him for a drink or write him completely off? Let me know your thoughts in the comments below. And as always stay and play safe.


The Honest Bitch

Friday, 8 March 2019

Drinky Drinky Time

I think we’re overdue for a drunken blog, you guys have asked some question I think drunken me would be better suited to answer. Normal drunken blog rules apply; this will be both written and edited drunk and once sober, it will not be touched again. So, let’s get started, shall we?

A lot of you have asked my opinion on Tyler, and the truth is I don’t have one. I’m not looking at him in that way. I’ve said this before, I’m not dateable at the moment. I am damaged goods and wouldn’t be a good partner. It wouldn’t be fair to anyone to have to put up with me, when I have next to nothing to give. In knowing that, I’m not looking anyone at the minute.

That said, I will give you some of my thoughts. He is a lovely human being.  He is someone I can be myself with. I don’t feel like I get to do that often anymore. He reminds me of the gay husband or one of my drama geek friends, he gives off this warm familiar vibe, that I love. He is also hilarious, both deliberately and non-deliberately. He’s managed to bring a smile to my face when that seems impossible. He is also my favourite person to flirt with. And, no I’m not flirting with purpose, I’m flirting for humour. That poor guy doesn’t know what to do with himself and I find it beyond amusing. Actually, he doesn’t take any compliments well, which I can relate to, but it’s fun to torment him.  

And on that note, since he doesn’t take my flirting well, I think it may be safe to say he’s not into me. Sorry to ruin all of your big plans. I know that revelation may have broken a few hearts. I know the gay husband basically has me married off at this point. I just don’t think that’s on the cards my sweets.

The other thing you guys have been asking about is whether he’ll be doing a guest post. No. He’s not up for that nor am I for that matter. You guys are rough and asked questions I’d rather not know the answers to.

Anyways, it’s getting close to bed time. So, I shall leave this post here. But before I go, I have this question for you; Do you take compliments well or do they throw you off? Let me know your thoughts in the comments below. And as always stay and play safe.


The Honest Bitch

Friday, 1 March 2019

Inappropriate Valentine’s Day Card

Men of the world, what the actual fuck is wrong with some of you? Do you have a screw loose, mommy didn’t love you enough or are you just morons? No woman on the planet is going to find your advances flattering when you’re in a relationship already.

I wasn’t going to write about this, but the more time that pasted the angrier I got about the whole thing. One of my drivers gave me a Valentine’s day card, confusing his feelings and saying he’d leave his partner for me. What the hell dude? 

Forgetting the fact, I just don’t feel the same way, even if I did like him, how repulsive is it that a man in a committed relationship would do that? That’s not what I want for myself. It’s not what any woman wants. I mean after all once a cheater, always a cheater.

This puts me in a bad position, in my industry I need allies. I’ve had guys turn aggressive and have needed back up from my drivers. This sort of thing makes that harder. Hell, it makes my job harder and I don’t appreciate it.

Anyways, now that I’ve vented, I am going to go back to enjoying my holiday. But let me know what you think, is a card from a married man flattering or creepy and disrespectful? Let me know your thoughts in the comments below. And always stay and play safe.


The Honest Bitch

Friday, 22 February 2019

Valentine's Day

Normally around this time of year, I am writing this on February 11th, I’d be writing a piece mocking all the surviving Valentines Day posts. This year, however, is a little different, mainly because I feel like I’m having to survive Valentines Day.

It’s not that I’m longing for a boyfriend, or any of that typical whiny shit those types of posts normally cry on about. It’s that with everything going on, I am feeling very alone. I am having to play the part of someone who is incredibly strong, and I don’t feel it. And in playing that part I’m pushing people away because if I didn’t, I’d simply fall apart.

Now don’t get me wrong, I still stand by what I’ve said in all my past Valentines posts, if you need to survive Valentines Day you should stay single. You need to be able to find your own happiness without relying on anyone else. Now, I don’t fall under my own advice, happy is not my issue, I am fine on my own what I wish I had was someone to lean on. That said, I wouldn’t date me right, I am a mess and I wouldn’t place that on anyone.

But my lack of self-worth is a story for another day. I am going to go and get ready to return to work tomorrow, but before I go, I have this question for you; would you date you? Let me know in the comments below and as always. Stay and play safe.


The Honest Bitch

Friday, 15 February 2019

Sad Eyes

I’ve mentioned this before, but I am going to mention it again, I can’t stand “sad eye”. I’m under no disillusion, I understand my mom is dying and I’m an only child basically losing the only family I have, I get that, and I understand it’s sad. Trust me, I get it, I’ve cried it out many a night. But looking at me with pity sad filled eyes really doesn’t help. It in a lot of ways it makes things worse.

I am a lot less social than I use to be and a lot of that is down to “sad eyes”. I either feel like people feel sorry for me or are judging me. I don’t feel like I’m allowed to be me. To fair, I don’t feel like myself most of the time, but when I do remotely feel normal, I feel as if I can’t show it.

This is part of the reason why the husband loves Tyler so much. He sees that he brings out the silly, fun side of me that hasn’t been around in quite a while. A lot of that was, until very recently, Tyler didn’t know what was going on. I had lost it on the phone with him a couple times, around the time when my mom was having surgery, but never vocalized what was happening. So, it’s yet to be seen whether he’ll continue to bring that out in me or if he’ll be another sad eyes person.

I can tell you he’s back off on non-work days. It’s is not ideal for me, but is understandable. He was a good distraction, but new coping mechanisms are always there to be found.  He doesn’t owe that to me nor would I ask for it so, life ticks on.

Anyways, I am going to go and hit the treadmill because it’s really hard to over think things when you can’t breathe. I would leave you with a Valentine’s related question but… who care? Just leave your thoughts in the comments below and as always stay and play safe.


The Honest Bitch  

Friday, 8 February 2019

Tyler Proves Me Wrong

I made the comment a few weeks ago that Tyler doesn’t flirt. To quote myself, what I actually said was, “Tyler doesn’t flirt, not a at all, not one teeny tiny bit.”. And it appears I have to admit I was wrong. It’s almost as if he read my blog and made a point of proving me wrong. However, he didn’t and even if he had the post in question wasn’t up yet so... witchcraft. That’s clearly how he did it.

It’s strange because I said previously, I didn’t know how to handle him because he didn’t flirt and shockingly him flirting threw me off way more. It was so out of the blue it took me back. I was equally shocked, that he actually could flirt, and proud because the line was good. I wanted to give him a gold star.

I can’t for the life of me remember what he said, but ever since then he’s been flirtier. Not my level flirty, but a vast improvement from what he was doing before and let’s be honest. Not many people are my level of flirty.

Don’t get any ideas in your pretty heads though, the gay husband is not now, nor has he ever been right. Yeah, I knew where your minds were headed. Let’s stop those thoughts right there. Ok?

Anyways, I am off to enjoy what I have remaining of my days off, but before I go, I will leave you with this question; are you a nature flirt? Let me know in the comments below. And as always stay and play safe.


The Honest Bitch

Friday, 1 February 2019

Not Off To A Great Start

It shouldn’t come as a surprise to me that 2019 is off to a less than perfect start. I’ve said it before, and I meant it, 2019 is going to suck. I didn’t, however, think it would suck this hard, this early on.

On Monday the 21st my mom went it for a routine check-up, it didn’t go well. Her kidney function was down to 8% and a lot of her other stats were not where they should or have been. At this point they tried to admit her. Since my mother is my mother, she told them not a chance that was happening. So, they arrange for her to come back the following morning at 9am, to meet with her team. If you know anything about the NHS, that’s not a good sign, to get a surgeon, doctor, specialist and nurse together, in the same place, with less than 24 hours’ notice is unheard of. And what happened next is even more unheard of. She was told she’d be having surgery at 7am the following day.

We knew she’d have to have surgery again soon due to the cloth is her AV fistula, but nobody was ready for how soon. Like I said the NHS doesn’t move quickly so, this just confirmed to me how bad things were. The surgery went fine, a lot longer than last time. This was down to the blocker they used being inserted into her diaphragm, meaning she was unable to breath on her own. Luckily, she regained the ability the breath unassisted around midnight and they were able to discharge her the next day. She’s at home now, battered a bruised but she’s doing ok.

I, other hand, am all shades of not ok. My only job in all of this is to hold my shit together and I am failing. Tyler said to me, not actually knowing what was going on, it’s ok to fall apart sometimes. And I agree. I have designated failing apart time. I am allowed to fall apart in the shower, in the car on the way home from work and in bed before I fall asleep on non-work days. However, my body doesn’t seem to want to uphold that schedule.

On Tuesday night at work, the day before my mom’s surgery, I was losing it. I held it together, just, on the way in. I kept together as I got everyone out of the office on their jobs. But, around midnight, for no real reason, I started shaking and I could feel the battle was over, I had I couldn’t fight the emotions anymore. At that moment my phone rang, and it was Tyler. I held back what I could and answered the phone. He knew something was up. He offered to listen, but when I couldn't talk about it, he didn’t push to find out what was wrong. He just hung around making jokes where he could.  Shifting my mind off things. I owe him one for that. I wouldn’t have made it through my shift without him.

Anyways, my face is starting to leak and I can’t deal with that right now, so I am going to end this here. I’ll leave with you with this question; how do you hold it together when everything is going wrong? Let me know your thoughts in the comments below and as always. Stay and play safe.


The Honest Bitch 

Friday, 25 January 2019


Apparently, some of you lovely people have decided you required more information before siding with either myself of the gay husband on the whole Tyler thing and since it’s 4am and I can’t sleep I thought I’d humour you.

 Most of you wanted to know a little more about Tyler so here we go. Tyler is a few years younger than me, our birthdays are actually a month a part, making him an Aries and me a Taurus. And if you believe in any of that, you’ll know the stars don’t like that pairing. We both obviously work in the same field and work nights. He happens to like people more than me, I’ve grown a little introverted over the years. As I said before, we both enjoy cheesy films and musicals. He has a fixation for cars. I enjoy classic cars, not classic British cars though, I like hot-rods and muscle cars and if we’re pushing it, I enjoy monster trucks.

Like I said previously my relationship with Tyler very different than the one with Steve. The other night at work we spent 7+ hours on the phone to each other just talking. Work was dead, so we were playing Snapchat games and Words with Friends, and we were singing at each other. It was a lot of fun. However, you know what we didn’t do during that 7 hours? Flirt.

Tyler doesn’t flirt, not a at all, not one teeny tiny bit. I, on the other hand, flirt all the time. I don’t even know I’m doing most of the time. It’s like a second language. That said, it’s not just me. Everyone flirts, hell, I’ve heard the guys flirt with each other before now. Its transport; drinking, swearing, bitchy and flirty those are the languages of the industry. And he just doesn’t partake.

I don’t actually know what to do with him in that regard. I’m almost trained to make the dirty punch line quickly, before the guys can, it makes it less awkward. However, since he doesn’t bite, he just giggles when I make the jokes and it’s still a little awkward. I can’t really win.

And as previously mentioned, I am not sure how straight he is. My Gaydar doesn’t seem to even register him as human. I get no reading from him at all. Maybe I need to introduce him to the gay husband to find out for sure.

Anyways, I hope that fills you in on any information you felt you were missing and let me know whose side you’re on, mine or the gay husbands, in the comments below. And as always stay and play safe.

The Honest Bitch

Friday, 18 January 2019

What happened to Steve?

A few have you have been asking what has happened to Steve and since I have no decent blog ideas at the minute, I thought I’d fill you guys in.

The answer is nothing, nothing has happened to Steve. He is still around and is still a great guy I enjoy talking to. However, he had a child and we all know guys with kids aren’t a thing I do. I thought it would be different given they none relationship thing, but no, it’s still a killer.

It’s weird because my main reason for not getting involved with guys with kids has always been, I don’t want to play second fiddle and once a child is in the mix that’s how it is. Which is fine if you’re in a relationship and a kid comes along. You’ve been fist fiddle and had that time, but to never get it… no I couldn’t do it. However, none of that was relevant with Steve, there was no fiddle, just sex.

I don’t know what to tell you, I kid that being turned off by men with kids is my body’s way of not getting pregnant, and I’m starting to believe it. There is just something about them that isn’t for me.

Anyways, I am off to hopefully come up with a blog idea, so I can get another one done and have next week off. But before I go, I have this question for you; would you date someone with kids? Let me know in the comment below. And as always stay and play safe.


The Honest Bitch

Friday, 11 January 2019

Taking Control

While trying to sleep New Years day, something hit me, something I already knew, but my brain wasn’t in the place to hear it. I need to take control of what I can. This year is certainly not going to fun, but there are some things I have control over.

Starting with my blog, I can be constant this year. That is down to me and nobody else. The sky may fall, but my blog is mine and I need to make sure I am using it, not only to keep my views up, but for my sanity. I am a better human when I’m writing.

My health is another thing I have control over, kind of. Weight loss isn’t going to be the goal; I don’t have the mental strength for that right now. But I can build healthy habits. I have a treadmill there is no reason I shouldn’t be using it daily. I used to do it and then I got hurt and stopped. I need to build that back up.

The last thing is my job; I need to have a good look at things and see what I want. If I stay, I will likely be relocating sites this year, which may be what I need. I need to think about things. I am getting older, kids are looking more and more off the table, so I need to look harder at my career.

Anyways, that’s my current ramblings. What are your plans or thoughts for 2019 let me know in the comments below? And as always stay and play safe.


The Honest Bitch

Friday, 4 January 2019

Not Feeling 2019

Happy new year, you beautiful people. I wish I was starting this year in my normal happy, cheery way. I typicality live for the holiday season, It’s my favourite time of year. But I am not going to lie, this year it’s been tough. As much as I try to put a smile on and pretend everything is fine…It’s not and it’s likely not going to be.

We found out not long before Christmas my mom has a clot in her fistula and she’ll need surgery, again. Her latest tests showed her kidney function is down to 8 percent. She’s putting on a brave face, like always, but I can tell she’s scared. And I’m trying to only fall apart when I’m alone. Which is how I spent most of Christmas because my ability to hold things together seems to be on holiday.

On top of everything with my mom, my step dad’s mom has been a bloody nightmare for the past week. She has a chest infection and she keeps calling 999 saying she’s having chest pain. They’ve admitted her 5 times in 6 days. She does have a little dementia from a stroke she had, but she also has attention issues and we can’t figure out which one is the problem. I personally think it’s a cry for attention. Before you say anything, she looked after we go in once a day for 3 hours and a carer goes in once a day for 3 years. The issue is when someone gets more attention than her, she starts to play up. And since my mom has been unwell shockingly, she thinks she needs to be in hospital.

And to add to everything, I am just feeling alone. I don’t mind being single, I’ve had my fill of dating drama and I just can’t do that anymore. But, once in a blue moon it gets to me and I am assuming since I already felt like shit, my emotions were like, why not throw one more thing on and see what happens? The answer is I cry, and I sleep. I sleep because I can’t break down when I am asleep, it’s my safe place.

This just hasn’t been a good holiday season, hell, it’s not been a good year and I have little hope that 2019 will get much better. It’s a sad place to be. But we soldier on. I would leave you with a question of the blog, but to be honest I don’t feel very chatty. But, as always, stay and play safe.


The Honest Bitch