Showing posts with label Life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Life. Show all posts

Sunday 18 December 2022

Mr. T

 I know I haven’t mentioned it yet, but I am in the process of buying a property. I had my offer accepted the first week of August and this delightful experience is still ongoing. Friday the 16th was the deadline put in place by the top of the chain, that date has now come and gone, and I am none the wiser to what is happening.

The issue, for once, doesn’t seem to be with my solicitors. It appears to be with the sellers’ solicitors. I’ve been CCed in on a few emails, and it appears the sellers’ solicitors haven’t responded to any enquiries in over a month.  I am currently in house buying limbo, waiting to see whether the chain has fallen apart or if they were buffing. Odds are I won’t find anything out until Tuesday, as the estate agent only works Tuesday – Thursday. In the meantime, I get to be a ball of stress, and probably not for the reason you think.

This is Mr. T. I call him Mr. T because I pity the fool at gets between him and his food. The first thing you need to know is Mr. T doesn’t like me and I don’t like him, but yet I have spent more hours than I am going to admit in writing crying over this damn cat.

It all boils back to one afternoon, I was sitting on a couch with Mr. T at my then boyfriend's house and the robot vacuum started up. Mr. T was scared and not happy about this robotic intruder moving about. I put my hand on him, which normally he wasn’t fond of, but this time, I could tell he didn’t mind, and I told him it would be okay, and I would look after him. He was okay sat next to me until the vacuum bumped into the leg of the coffee table near us and jumped. But not like a startling big jump, one of those, deep in your soul jumps that are undetectable to the outside world unless someone happen to be holding you at the time kind of jumps.

I recognised that jump, and it got me thinking. Mr. T is a stray that sometimes uses this house we were in for safety and warmth, but it’s not his place and he knows that. He’s welcome there only on someone else’s terms and it can be taken away at any time. No wonder he’s an asshole, uncertainty makes me grumpy too.

In that moment I decided if a better home couldn’t be found when I moved, he could come live with me. We don’t have to get along, we don’t have to be BFFs. But he can have his own space, a place he can call his. Where he knows he’s safe and warm, that can’t be taken away. Where he can nap in peace and not worry about other cats picking on him. Something that’s his.

So, I am not stressed about the sale possibly falling apart for me. I’ll be okay, I always am. I am stressed for this cat. Who just deserves to be warm and safe and not have to be uncertain or worried. I just want him to be okay and happy and know no matter what, he has someone.

Am I possibly transferring some of my undealt with emotions onto a cat… probably. Am I going to deal with them and process them like I should, hell no. I am just going to continue crying over a cat.

Anyways since I am now ugly crying, I am going to leave this here, and go write something a little less, feely. As always, my dears, leave your thought and questions in the comments below and stay and play safe. 

Monday 12 December 2022


I mentioned in a previous post I’m “neuro-spicy” and a few of you have had questions, as this isn’t something I talk a lot about. I don’t tend to not talk about it as I’m only partially diagnosed, which can be a little awkward. But since you guys had questions, I thought I’d fill you in. 

When I was little, it was clear I wasn’t neurotypical however it was also clear I wasn’t “slow”. So, when I was in early elementary this led to a lot of testing. Through this testing, a few things were brought to light. The first being my short-term memory is poor. I believe the phasing on the report is “less than the standard” whatever the hell that means. But this is why mental math was and always has been an issue for me, yet I was always a few grade levels ahead in math. I can sum this up quicker than them…. I simply can’t remember the previous sum to do the next thing to it. This is also why my reading comprehension sometimes took me longer. It wasn’t that I didn’t understand it, it was a couldn’t remember it. Once it was in my brain, I didn’t have a problem This is also the reason why I must write things down because it will be lost to the universe otherwise. 

The second thing that came to light is the cause of the frustration. I was screened for Autism, which I very clearly didn’t have from the results, however part of that screening included testing for Sensory Processing Disorder, which I very clearly did have. However, even to this day, SPD isn’t a standalone diagnosis. So, despite the testing very clearly showing I have it, because I didn’t have Autism, I couldn’t have SPD. 

Science, of course, does move on, and people are fighting to make it a standalone diagnosis. However, when I was a child Autism was the only thing SPD was linked to, now it is also linked to ADHD which might be a better fix for me. I wasn’t screened as a child for this as girls just weren’t screened, it was a boy thing. However, nowadays we know differently, and girls just present differently. 

In my case, I suspect that’s where the link is. However, at my age, there isn't a benefit to being tested. There’s actual risk thanks to some interesting laws. I am just more aware that my social anxiety is likely linked more to SPD than true anxiety so isn’t treatable in the same way. I know I may need to lean on others as the techniques that are recommended don’t work the same way when your brain is just different.  It’s just one of those things.

So, there you are, I have SPD even though I can’t have SPD as I don’t have the linked diagnosis hence “partially diagnosed”. I hope that answers your questions. I am off to sleep as it's 2 am and that’s what normal people do. As always, stay, and play, safe. 

Monday 5 December 2022

Dating Is For The Stupid

I’ve often theorized that the older you get, the harder dating becomes and that's because dating requires a certain level of stupid. The older you get the harder it is to feign this level of required of stupid.

I am not sure if being “neuro-spicy”, makes this more difficult for me, or if it’s simply because I’ve blogged for 15 years, I am used to doing these black box reports that it just jumps out at me more than that the average person.

This time, credit the guy, the date itself was fine. We went for drinks and had a laugh, I was my usual closed-off self, but still, we were able to have a laugh and get to know each other. This guy had some red flags against him going into the date, however, newly single after 8 months, I needed to dip my toe back in. Mainly because I believed and still do, my ex moved on in less than 4 days. At the end of the night, we went our separate ways, I went home, and he went to his hotel, with the agreement we’d meet for breakfast.

It didn’t play out like that; the second he was back in his room; he became a sex pest. And that wasn’t happening. The guy had a kid, and we all know my rule regarding safe sex, say it with me, “birth control, condoms, and responsible chance the guy I’m sleeping with is shooting blanks.” I was willing to try and overlook this, but it was going to take time. Time, he wasn’t interested in giving me, it turns out.

This is where the lack of being stupid comes into it; I was drunk and thinking about it. But I hopped on the dating site where we met as I wanted to see just how long we had been talking. He was very keen to push things forward, so the date was quicker than I would have liked it to be. While I was checking things, I noticed his location had changed to where the hotel was. So, dude, while trying to get in my pants, he was still on actively on the site. I had done the girl, joking “you must have a lot of girls lined up for dates”. And he responded with, no, it’s only you I am interested in” …. dude couldn’t even make it 8 hours, or at least be smart enough to turn you’re tracking off. Hard pass.

Needless to say, breakfast didn’t happen, and I haven’t heard from him since. I suspect he found a source to dampen his dick as when I looked before writing this post, he is no longer a premium member; however, his account is still open, so take from that what you will.

Anyways, let that be a lesson to you; either turn off your location tracking or don’t be a prick, which lesson you take is up to you.

I am off to try and get some sleep before work, let me know your most recent dating nightmares in the comment section below. And as always, stay and play safe.

Friday 2 December 2022

Let's Try This Again

I teased over a month ago, I was making a return to blogging; and, well, I clearly haven’t. At least not yet, and the reason for this is simple. I felt like I needed to fill you in on everything that has happened over the past 16 months. And I don’t want to. I stopped posting mainly because I didn’t want to deal with what was happening. I had reached the point where I needed to survive and to do so meant not processing things.

Blogging is the ultimate therapy, I’ve always said this, that’s why things that are said maybe be accurate while writing, but not 5 minutes later. Just the act of writing them has allowed you to work through them and resolve them. Makes for some interesting conversations and the reason I don’t tend to share my blog with people I know in the real world. Learned those lessons, real quick.

Back to my point, what I have decided to do is just carry on and post as I normally would. And when it’s called for or a natural fit, I’ll fill in the details of the past 16 months. That way we move forward with new content, and I don’t get overwhelmed. Seems like a win/win to me.

Hopefully, the next post you see from me will be something entertaining and not just me saying sorry for another failed comeback. As always, stay and play, safe.

Friday 14 October 2022

Returning To Blogging

Hello strangers on the internet, it’s been a while, ago long while. My last post was over a year ago, not long after I turned down my promotion, I worked so hard to get it. I would have hoped I had used this year away, to heal and grow; get myself back to a stable place. That, however, my friends, isn’t how the story plays out. And I return to you a year older, feeling like tangled un-sauced spaghetti.

I'm currently tangled in my feelings. I'm not sure which feeling belongs to which emotion or what root cause. I'm hoping by coming back to my blog. I'll be able to sit and write and work through some of the almost trauma of the last few years.

Not going to lie, I'm not going to sugar-coat it the last few years, last decade has sucked. I've worked hard to fight through, I've worked hard to get here. I'm still here, I’m still fighting, I’m still going. But fuck…. I’m tired. That little bitch lied when she said the sun will come out tomorrow. I'm starting to question if there even is a sun.

We all know October is hard for me, this year is no different. I'm trying. I really am. But right now, as I sit here, crying at my keyboard. I'm struggling to find the fight. Don't get me wrong, I know good things are coming. I know the tide is turning. But getting there is. This is a lot of work. I'd like, I said. I'm tired.

I’ll go into details on everything that’s happened recently in the next few posts.  I don’t want to completely fall apart on you all at once. I just wanted to say hi, and let you know, I plan to make a return. Even if I am older and none the wiser evidently.


The Honest Bitch 

Friday 16 July 2021

I Ended My Career

Monday, July 12th will go down in history as the day I committed career suicide, and while I am not okay, and I feel like a disappointment, I know it was the right decision for me at present. But right, sure as hell isn’t easy.

I’ve been on my shift pattern for over 6 years, and after the past couple of years, and more importantly, after the past 7 months I need that routine. It has remained my one sense of normality, the one consistent, and you sure can hell bet I am going to fight to keep that. I need that routine, it’s a large part of my coping mechanism. And it sucks, I don’t want to and shouldn’t have to explain that I am struggling. I am doing what I need to remain functioning. I am not okay, and I am painfully aware I still haven’t processed everything. But I have to keep moving, healing will come, but until it does, I have to protect my mental wellbeing.

That said, this sucks. I worked my ass off to get any sense of recognition, to get an opportunity.  Opportunities on nights are unheard of. And I have to pass it up. I am damn good at my job, and nobody knows everything I do, that’s how good I am. I am mad. This is so stupid. Here, have a promotion, but you have to completely swap on to the other set of 4. Why? This just sucks.

Anyways, I am off to get some sleep and try to chill out. As always, stay and play safe guys.


The Honest Bitch 


Friday 9 July 2021

I am Stressed

My stress levels lately have been through the roof, and for whatever reason, I haven’t been able to unwind completely so I’ve been constantly on edge for a while. Not sure if it’s because of this promotion I am working towards, that I am not going to get. Or because work has been so busy. But it’s just yucky at the moment.

Part of my destressing process is snuggles, and I am not getting that at the minute which isn’t helping matters. I am just all over the place. But fighting to hold it all together and put on a brave face.

Anyways, I am off to have a nap, because that’s the other thing I do when I’m stressed. How do you deal with stress? Let me know in the comments below. As always, stay and play safe.


The Honest Bitch 


Friday 25 June 2021

Bye Lawyer Dude

My ongoing tread of dating emotionally unavailable man continues. Lawyer dude and I called things off this evening. He wasn’t ready to date…. Who said history doesn’t repeat itself eh?

It sucks, it hurts, and once again I am left in tears after some guy uses me as a fucking lab rat to test the waters. I’d love to be bitter and angry right now, but I am not. I am just sad.  It hurts, I clearly liked him a lot more than I realized. But whatever, as I have come to accept my feelings are irrelevant. So, suck it up, and move on.

I wish him nothing, but the best. I am sure he’ll find what he’s looking for, it’s just not me. And I am ok with that, I have to be.

I am going to go cry myself to sleep and hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

As always, my dears, stay and play safe.


The Honest Bitch


Friday 18 June 2021

Hugh Hangout

Last night I got to hang out with Hugh for the first time in about 6 months and it was nice, as I always say, hanging out with him is easy. It makes a change to just have a giggle and be silly and not have to think about other things. It was also nice that nothing had changed despite us being in different places now. I was a little worried about that.

The reason he came over is that my hair needed cutting and I trust nobody. My mom normally trimmed it up for me, but since that can’t happen now, I needed a hand. Knowing Hugh’s personally I was pretty sure he’d do a good job, and he did. I am pleased. Also, glad I judged that right could have ended badly.

It was a little weird and I didn’t clock it when we planned it, but it was actually my mom’s birthday. Seemed kind of fitting. It was a nice evening anyway, super chilled and laid back. Felt nice to zone out for a while.

Please don’t get me wrong, Hugh and I are quite different, and we have different morals and views. We aren’t all bubble gum and unicorns, but we somehow manage to put it aside when we hang out and just have fun.

Anyways it’s 10am and I have to be up for work in 4 hours. Let me know, would you let an ex cut your hair? Let me know your thoughts in the comments below. And as always stay and play safe.


The Honest Bitch


Friday 4 June 2021

Questioning Everything

Have you ever been at the point of life where you’re questioning everything? Your dating choices, your living situation, you’re work-life; basically, your no longer sure of anything? That’s where I am right now.

I was getting ready to move out before my stepdad's diagnosis and I’ve had to put that on hold while things are found out. I am feeling rather stuck. I spent so long looking after my mom and now this. I am feeling like my life is constantly being put on hold to look after others. I know it’s the right thing to do and it's what I should be doing. It doesn’t make it suck any less. I am 34 now, my hopes of a family of my own are slipping away. 

Dating just sucks. Lawyer Dude is a dead end and I know it. I am not about to change it right now, but the thing whole thing is a giant waste of time. Plus the amount of baggage he carries just isn’t for me. I knew I didn’t want a guy who had kids, this confirms that. I worried I wouldn’t be a priority, hell I am not even a consideration.  

Work is actually ok. I am good at my job. No, it’s not always sunshine and rainbows, but it isn’t horrible all the time either. My issue is promotion. There is a carrot being dangled and I don’t like it. I will not be getting the promotion, I know where it’s going, we all do. So why dangle it? The thing is, I always want to do my best. Put my best foot forward, and in this role, that’s very hard work. And it’s hard work for, what will be nothing. Part of me wants to just throw the towel in and walk away, but my pride won’t allow it.

Anyways, this is my last day off before I head back to work, so I am going to go enjoy it, and by enjoying it I mean I am going to go take a nap. Thank you for letting me vent. As always my dears, stay and play safe.


The Honest Bitch 

Friday 28 May 2021

Hugh Ruined My Expectations Of Men

I fucking hate Hugh, why did that twat make things so damn easy? Why is he a recent reminder, that dating, and relationship doesn’t need to feel like work? Why, did the emotionally unavailable twat-bag have to be so comforting and basically be a master class in how things should be done? 

…. I mean right up to the breakup and then slowly cutting me out of his life.

Hugh is basically the opposite of Lawyer Dude. Lawyer Dude is selfish. He never asks how I am. He never sends a message first. He gets moody when he deems, I am not there for him, but I spent my birthday alone, in tears with zero concern from him. He’s hard work and seems to be only interested in one thing.

It’s so bad, when I found out about my Stepdad, it was Hugh I wanted to call not him. Actually, he still doesn’t know. He doesn’t ask about me and I’m not about to offer up anything. 

I know I shouldn’t compare, and Hugh has moved on, he recently changed our WhatsApp name, which solidified that.  That door is closed. But, damn universe, you’re bitch sometimes. 

Emotionally stable, respectable career, with goals and his life somewhat together, if that really too much to ask? Because fucking hell, it’s starting to feel like it is. I am all for compromise and all that but settling, not so much.

Anyways, I am off to slowly bang my head against a wall and pray for something to fall into place. As always let me know your thoughts in the comments below. And stay and play safe.


The Honest Bitch


Friday 7 May 2021

Life Update

Sorry, this post is a little late, but I had my 2nd Covid vaccine and I have been so sleepy, it’s unreal. I fell asleep while trying out of bed that’s how tired I was. Luckily, I am starting to feel better now.

I guess we should have a quick, very quick chat about why I am struggling for word and didn’t want to last week. So, my stepdad was diagnosed with cancer last week. We don’t have a lot of answers right now. They found a lump, however that lump was secondary. They haven’t found the primary source yet and it's scary. The fact it’s already spread isn’t great.

I am still processing things and I am still not very talkative, but I’ll get there. But I just wanted to fill you guys in. Always, my dear, as always stay and play safe.


The Honest Bitch

Friday 23 April 2021

Will We?

This whole “dating” thing is just a giant headache, and I am very close to being over the whole thing again. My holiday from work is almost over and Lawyer Dude and I still haven’t met. We should have met on the 17th but allegedly he was under the weather, so we canceled. I am not sure if it was sickness or nervousness, but either way, it did happen.

We have rescheduled, kind of. We had already rescheduled once and that fell through also, so I am not holding my breath on this new date. This one is weird. I am going to go around his after his daughter leaves. So, I’ll be going over at like 9pm. This feels a little seedy, but I want this date out of the way, so I am down.

We’ve been talking since February, and I need to know if this is something or not. I need to thank you next already or move this show along. I am getting impatient in my old age. I hate that this date feels high pressure, but I am sure it’ll be ok. I just need to know.

Anyways, I need to go and have a nap. This holiday life is hard work. Let me know your thoughts in the comments below. And as always stay and play safe.


The Honest Bitch


Friday 16 April 2021

Still Not OK

Does anyone else have those moments where if they stop and are completely still, they can actually hear the voice inside their head screaming? Oh… it’s just me, good to know. I am not sure what is up with me, but I can seem to find any sort of Zen at all at the moment.

It’s gotten so bad, that when the voice in my head is muted, my body isn’t. I constantly feel like I am 30  seconds away from a panic attack. I’d like to say I don’t understand what is happening, but I have a fair idea, it’s more that I don’t want to deal with it and clearly, my brain and body aren’t accepting “no” as an answer.

This is the first time I’ve been off work in 6 months, and we all know what happened last time I was on holiday from work. I didn’t think it would affect me this much, but clearly, I was wrong. I know I haven’t worked through everything yet. Hell, I'm doubtful I have actually allowed myself to work through any of it. But you need to keep moving right? My mom wouldn’t want me dwelling on things, she’d want me out there kicking ass.

I need to stop this here, my eyes are leaking, and my nose is joying in, it is far too early to ugly cry. As always, let me know your thoughts in the comments below, and stay and play safe.


The Honest Bitch 


Friday 26 March 2021

Not Meeting The Standard

I may have given in and messaged Hugh. I didn’t want to, but he’d been on my mind a lot recently and I just needed to for my own sanity.  It kind of pisses me off, he is still easy to talk to, there is no effort there and that sucks. It’s a reminder of what is possible.

This all comes as Lawyer Dude seems to be fizzling out. He is starting to take effort and I am not ok with that. I want things to flow and feel natural and right now, it doesn’t feel that way at all. And yes, there are a million reasons why, but when I compare it to Hugh, why am I dealing with the million reasons why?

This dude is ruining my dating life. He set a standard without trying and now I am struggling to find anyone who measures up to his standard. Who knew meeting a good guy would cause me all these problems?

Anyways, I am off to tidy up and work on finding a new human to keep me company. Let me know your thoughts in the comments below. And as always stay and play safe.


The Honest Bitch 


Friday 26 February 2021

2021 Dates So Far

 Let’s talk dating, I have had 2 dates this year, neither of which went well. I’ve was on a mission to prove to myself I wasn’t hung up on Hugh and that even if he decided to ghost me, I’d be fine.

The first date was, fine. He was a doctor, everything was very Covid safe. We kept our distance and went on a walk. There just wasn’t a spark. To be honest, there wasn’t a spark before I agreed to the date, I just needed to prove to myself I could date.

The second date, on the other hand, was dicey. I make poor decisions when I am dealing with things I can’t control. I’ve apparently gotten better at recognizing this because I took steps to get out of the situation, but it wasn’t smart. I went around a guy’s house, after being pressured into the date and things felt off straight away. We watched tv and I played with his dog. He then pulled me in to cuddle. Which was…. Ok. However, his hand was resting just below my neck. So, he had one arm around me and the other resting on my upper chest right at the base of my neck. I would move to try and get him to shift his hand and it didn’t work, he kept putting it back there. I managed to use the dog as a distraction and got up to play with it. I soon after made an excuse and left. But the whole thing felt dangerous.

And all for nothing, I wasn’t into the guy. It was stupid.

Anyways I am off to hopefully make less silly decisions. What was your biggest dating mistake? Let me know in the comments below. As always, stay and play safe.


The Honest Bitch 

Friday 5 February 2021


I would seem curious minds would like to know what the dating situation is given Hugh being a thing. First of all, we’re currently in a national lockdown so dating isn’t easily done in the current climate. It’s not impossible, but definitely not advisable. Second, Hugh isn’t a factor. He made his feelings and or intent clear, he wants to be friends and I am good with that. I never say never, but that ball is way out of my court and not something for me to dwell on. What will be will be. 

That said Hugh has made my dating life more difficult in the most convoluted way ever. I already had high standards, as I kind of like being single. He has made things worse. Because things are so easy with him, and it doesn’t feel like work, everything I start talking to someone, I quickly eliminated them when things aren’t at that level of ease. My standards may now be completely unachievable.

Not that they’re set that high, really. I just don’t feel the urge to compromise. All I want is a guy with a respectable job, a guy who has his life somewhat together, no kids, and to be somewhat of a gentleman. The list isn’t that unreasonable. And then the obvious I get along with them and actually like being around them. Surely that isn’t too much to ask. I mean, I hate most people and guys are inherently… less than gentlemanly like so maybe I am just completely screwed.

Anyway, I am off to try not to think about any of this. Let me know your dating must-haves are in the comments below and as always stay and play safe.


The Honest Bitch


Friday 29 January 2021


I am in a weird place right now, and lockdown isn’t helping. I feel fine, but I am not. I am not looking after myself, I am not eating correctly or daily for that matter, I am not showering and doing skincare when I am off work. I am just sleeping or trying to. I am shutting down and while that is helpful a little bit, it’s not healthy long term.

I am really missing Hugh’s stupid face right now. He’s the level of human I can tolerate. When things were really bad, I was leaning on our “friend dates” to keep motivated. It was a reason to shower, eat, look after myself. It was a reward for making it through the week. I haven’t had that regularly for a while and that shift hasn’t been seamless.

Don’t get me wrong, I know I’ll get there. I will bounce back. I am a stubborn bitch, who cannot and will be kept down. It’s just… not pleasant. And things are ickier than I’d like. I miss the stress melting cuddles. That’s a scientific fact, not me being mushy for the record.

Anyways, my eyes are leaking, and that shit needs to stop. I am back to the only breaking down in my car and shower rule. Let me know, your coping mechanisms and thoughts in the comments below. And hopefully next week we can get back to more juicy and less feelingy posts. As always, stay and play safe.


The Honest Bitch


Friday 22 January 2021

Hugh's Turn

 It seems just as I am starting to feel better, it’s Hugh’s turn to not be ok. And while it’s perfectly fine to not be ok, I don’t know how to best help him. Unlike me, he doesn’t come with a manual. I don’t know if he needs me to show up with food or go away. I don’t know if he needs a phone call or to be left alone. I know when I am off, I need plans and for people to pull me in even if I pull away. I just don’t know with him.

What I have been doing, and all I feel like I can do is the small things I enjoy and hope they happen to bring a smile to his face as well. Sending morning texts, sending funny imagines, and trying to be positive and smiley and hoping it rubs off.

Not sure it’s working, but all I can do is try right? I hate when he’s down. He’s been so good at cheering me up, without even trying. I hope, somehow, I can return the favour.

Anyway, I have to go get ready to collect my mother’s ashes which I am not looking forward to. As always my dears, stay and play safe.


The Honest Bitch 


Friday 15 January 2021

Feeling Better

 Last Saturday Hugh and I had a last-minute “friend date”. We went on a walk and talked before I headed off to work. And personally, it was just what I needed to snap out of whatever funk I was in. I am not sure why, but he has an adept ability to make things feel less… much.

I feel a lot better talking with him as he seems to have a lot of the same idiosyncrasies I have. It’s nice not having to explain myself, as he just gets it. He made a comment earlier this week about feeling alone, but also not wanting to be around people. And that’s my feeling 90% of the time and it was weird to hear someone else say it. I thought that was just a me thing.

Anyways, I need to go and get ready for work. I just wanted to update you and let you all know I am ok. As always, my dears, stay and play safe.


The Honest Bitch