Showing posts with label Life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Life. Show all posts

Friday 8 January 2021

Pulling Away


 Let me start this post by saying I am ok. There was a little concern after my last post, which I completely understand, but there is no need to worry. I may not be in a good place, but I am not in a bad place either.

I am in a place, where my instinct is to pull away, insolate and take control. Which, if history is anything to go back, means fall in bed with someone I shouldn’t, maybe start a relationship with someone who isn’t relationship material. Basically, do something that will cause me emotional pain, because that’s within my control. Once again, being a blogger sucks, because I am fully aware of my tendencies and have a self-understanding, most people don’t have. Doesn’t stop me from being an idiot, just makes me painfully aware of how stupid I am being.  

Which brings me to Hugh, who, I don’t know. The last time I pulled away, he texted me and made plans which was sweet and what I needed, and I instantly felt better. It doesn’t take a lot. This time, I don’t know. I went into this with no walls, and I am starting to retroactively build them. Time will tell how things play out and which side of the wall he ends up on.

Anyways, my eyes are starting to get watery, so I am going to stop before they leak. As always, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxo

Saturday 19 December 2020

I Come With A Manual

 


I often say we expect men to read minds and to know what’s wrong with us without us verbalizing it and since men aren’t mind readers and they don’t have access to a crystal ball, we can’t expect them to know what we need or how to handle us. That said, in my case, there is basically a fucking manual online on how to deal with me.

Recently, Hugh got my back up and it could be crazy girl brain, or it could be something else, but for this blog it doesn’t really matter what the root cause is. What matters is, he handled it like an amateur.  

I am fairly simple, you piss me off, I will push you away. When that happens, I need the other person to push in. Fair enough, leave me alone that day or night if I am being a bitch. But send me a morning message, wishing me a good day or make plans with me. Do something to let me know, you’re not going anywhere. My inner crazy bitch is counteracted by being made to feel safe and secure.

That is the key to me. When I feel safe and secure I am the most calm chilled human around. And anyone whose been on this blog for any length of time knows that. It’s the world's worth kept secret.

Anyways, I need to get ready for work. I just needed to vent. As always, my dears stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest bitch  

Friday 18 December 2020

Friend Dates


 Part of the staying friend’s thing with Hugh has been setting up “friend dates”. We have game nights and moving nights and he tries to murder me on walks through impassable mud. It’s been fun getting to know each other without the pressure of dating. And it’s still feels, for the most part, easy.

I’ve also found these prearranged “dates” greatly beneficial to me, as I am able to use them almost as rewards. I know mentally if I get through my work week for example, If I can put on a smile and adult for those 4 days, when it’s all done, I get to be me, and have some effortless time with Hugh. It somehow makes things easier.

I am sure how he feels though. Sometimes it feels like he’s pushing me away (which I get, I’ve been there) but others, I catch him with this most genuine heart-warming smile on his face. Then he makes comments, like he feels an obligation to me which sit heavily on me. I don’t want anyone to hangout with me because they feel obliged. I want them to hangout with me because they want to, because they like being around me. Not because they have to. I don’t want to be a burden to anyone.

My head kind of hurts, and I am probably overthinking things; lack of sleep will do that to you. Like I said, normally things feel easy and we have fun. But I appear that way at work and I’m definitely just playing a part there. I guess only time will tell, eh?

Anyways, I need to get ready for work. Let me know your thoughts in the comments below. And as always. Stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

Friday 4 December 2020

Bonding?


 Even at my ages I am still surprised how something a guy says in passing can continue to play on the female mind long after it’s been said. For example, Hugh made an “innocent” comment 3 weeks ago and it continues to occasionally pop into my mind.  I am sure nothing was meant by it, but my brain still questions what caused him to say it.

The statement, well question was “are you trying to bond with me?”. I did question it straight away, however he kind of brushed it off and wouldn’t engage. And it has been bothering me ever since.

Why question that? Is it because he feels like we are bonding? Is it because he feels like I am being fake? Is it because he doesn’t want me around? Why? Just why?

The sensible side of me knows it doesn’t matter. And if it does, it’ll play out in the end. But the girl part of my brain wants to use water torture on him to get him to explain what he meant.

Anyways, that’s enough of that, I need sleep and to clean as Hugh is coming over tomorrow evening for a friend date…. Yes, I am aware of how pathetic that sounds. As always, my dears, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xxx

Friday 27 November 2020

Ok

 Apologies this post is going up late, but I wasn’t sure I wanted to write anything this week. It’s been a hard week and to be honest I kind of just wanted to let in pass and try to reset, but I think it’s important to continue to write and keep things as normal as I can.

That said things aren’t normal, and I am struggling.

I am doing what I can to stay level-headed, not cause myself issues later. I am taking a step back from a lot of things and am in survival mode. I know it’ll be ok, and I’ll get there, its just going to take time.

Anyways I am off to play the sims. As always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

Friday 20 November 2020

Well That Didn’t Last Long

 


Apparently, ladies and gentlemen, it was not me and dating you had to worry about, it was Hugh and dating that should have been the concern. After 5 dates we have decided to call things off. Hugh just isn’t ready yet, and I completely understand, I was there. And to be honest, I had my suspicions early on this may have been the case, but I chose to ignore the red flag. I, however, don’t really regret that decision.

I am hopeful that Hugh and I can remain friends, actually hanging out, doing things friends. I’ve said this all along things are easy between us, we can giggle and talk, and we share a lot of the same interests. My guard has been down with him from almost the very beginning, I have been just me and he’s handled it well. I kid that someone has given him a handbook or manual on how to deal with me. It’s just natural to him. When my mom passed away, he was perfect. I know how bad that could have been for me if he wasn’t there. He instinctively calms me down and he doesn’t know he’s doing it. He often places his hand on the part of my back, I press against the wall to calm my anxiety. I feel better when I am with him.

It makes me giggle because he was so concerned about me attaching when we were dating. And I did, but not in the loved up mushy way. I attached in a this person is awesome and I like having them around way. He is a good guy and I like him as a human. He’s the only person right now I can be totally honest with. I feel alone and he helps without knowing. I can just be myself, no walls, no acts, just me and it’s nice. With everyone else, I have to tough, I have to be strong, I have things I needed to worry about, perceptions, gossip. None of that is a thing with him, I get to just be.

I pray, nothing changes this. Truth be told, I didn’t need or want a boyfriend or the sex (no matter how good it may have been), I needed a friend and he’s a pretty damn good one.

Anyways, I am off before my eyes leak juices everywhere. As always, my dears, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

Friday 3 July 2020

I Am Back

Hey Strangers, it has been a while, I know. Apologies for dropping off the face of the Earth for a few months, but life got a little too real and writing made it more real. I just couldn’t handle more real, real was bad enough.

 Unless you’ve been hiding under a rock, you’re aware there’s a pandemic going on. The world is crazy right now. Those of you who has been around for a while know my mom is sick. She is classified as “clinically extremely vulnerable” and has been ordered to “shield”.

In a cruel turn of fate, I am classified as essential worker. Working in transport, apparently, I am critical to the supply chain. I had a lot of guilt about this. I was going to work, day in day out possibly getting exposed and coming home and potentially passing god knows what on to my mom. I thought for many months, I was going to be the thing or reason my mom died. It was a lot to handle and I wasn’t doing the best job of handling it. That’s for sure. But I am in a better place with everything now. I just needed some time to work out a “new normal” and luckily so far, no virus.

I have a lot to catch you up on over the next few posts, so make sure you come every Friday to hear all the gossip. You guys have been amazing through this. Thank you for hanging around and all your concern. As always, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch  

xoxo


Friday 21 February 2020

Plans


Am I the only person that finds having a plan or long-term commitments stressful? Don’t get me wrong, I have a loose plan, I have an end goal, but a step-by-step plan or commitment past the next 7 ish day, stress me the hell out.

I think it has something to do with me not liking to let people or myself down. I know where I am now, mentally, physically, but 1 month, 2 months for now who knows. And I hate to back down, so I know from experience I’ll just push myself and do that I said even though it may not be what’s best for me.

Anyways you pretty people, I am off to go and study because sooner or later I will be that fucking time off work to do my course. As always, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch
xoxo

Friday 7 February 2020

I Miss Tyler

I hate to admit this, but I am missing Tyler. We haven’t been as chatty as normal, and I’m feeling the impact. He brings calm, light heartedness to most situations and without that, my people battery is going flat a lot quicker than I’m used to.

It pains me to admit I might actually need him, or any person for that matter, but it would appear that I do…I don’t like this.

Considering I hate most people and can barely tolerate the rest, I find it a horrible inconvenience that I might actually need another human. It’s not something I do. And, frankly, it feels wrong. But I guess it’s ok. I mean everyone needs someone sometimes?

Anyways, I am going to go and get some sleep, I need to flip back to night mode for work tomorrow. But before I do, I have this question for you. Does it bother you to need to lean on someone? Let me know in the comments below. And as always, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch
xoxo

Friday 24 January 2020

Slow Going


2020 progress is slow…so slow. I just can’t seem to find motivation. My get up and go, got up and went. And I’m just blah. I wish I could put my finger on why or what’s up, but I am at loss. I know I’m stressed on some level, mainly because my REM sleep is through the roof. Which normally means I’m working through something… I just don’t know what. Too much REM sleep can leave you blah and tired, so everything is likely linked… I just don’t know what the cause is.

All this is quickly becoming boring and I’m longing for the days when I feel good and can actually get shit done.

Anyways its 3am and I am back at work tonight so I need to start getting ready to not sleep when I should and feel like shit for 4 days. Before I go, I’ll leave you with this question what do you do to get motivated? Let me know in the comments below and as always, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch
xoxo

Friday 10 January 2020

Still Not Together


In case you’re wonder, yep my mission to keep my ducks in a row in 2020 is still failing. Hence why this post will be back dated to Friday despite be writing it at midnight on Saturday. One day I will have everything balanced, I swear, but not any time soon from the looks of it.

The other issue I have is, I have nothing to say right now. Dating life is nothing, work is still very much work and all my free time is currently taken up trying to cram for my CPC in March which I may or may not be doing since I can’t get my fucking holiday days approved.

Anyways I have to go, this is day 1 off which is why I am writing so late, sleep happened. Hopefully next week, things will be better…maybe. Love you all, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch
xoxo

Friday 13 December 2019

Oppps


So, the last post I posted was about me struggling to find balance and the one of the ones before that was about goals… sometimes life tries to test us and sometimes we fail that test, and things go up in flames and it’s not pretty. That’s the current situation.

I may have lost my shit at work Saturday night, walked out and quit. That is a thing that may have happened. I knew I was stressed; I knew I was getting towards the end of my rope… I didn’t know flames were about to happen.

It’s strange, I don’t regret anything. I mean I would have liked to be a little calmer but given the situation I did what I felt I needed to. As for what’s next, I don’t know. I have a meeting with my manager tomorrow, and we will see what’s what. I’m at peace with my decision so I’m not sure what can be said on his part.

Anyways, I am off to finish decorating the tree. As always, my dears, stay and play safe.
Love,

The Honest Bitch
xoxo

Friday 6 December 2019

Balance


I’m struggling to find balance at the moment. I know what I need to get done and I’m doing it, but I seem to have forgotten to allow time to relax and I’m struggling to see where I can even remotely fit it in.

My goal is my CPC, and I have 12 weeks before the course. There are 26 units I need to learn, and I have currently done 6. Math right now isn’t my friends. I need to do 2 units a week, and that’s a struggle, I’ve only managed 1 each of the past 2 weeks. And this doesn’t account for the fact I don’t under one of the units I’ve done. My check for understanding score was laughable. I’m stressed, and I shouldn’t be. I guess the Brightside is my scores on the other units were good.

I need to find balance in this all and I’m just not sure how. I know I will get there, but it needs to be soon. Anyways, I am off to have a nap, as I’m back at work in a few hours, like I said no balance. Leave me your tips on how you managed to balance everything I the comments below. And as always, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch
xoxo

Friday 29 November 2019

2020 Dating


A lot of you have asked whether 2020 is going to be the year I start dating again. And, it’s a fair question, it has been a long while since I’ve been in a relationship. That said, I’ve learned a lot in being single so long. Maybe too much because I don’t really miss being in a relationship anymore.

 I’m not sure if 2020 is the year or not. I’m not looking for anything, but I’m not ruling anything out either. It would be nice, don’t get me wrong, but I like being alone, a lot. People are work and it seems like the older I get, the more work they become.

Would I like a relationship, sure, but I’m not sure of the practicality. It’s not the be all or end all. I’m happy as I am. That said, it’s something to think about for sure, and I will. If something pops up awesome, if not I am not going to lose any sleep over it.

Anyways, I’m off. But before I go, I have this question for you; we / are you happy single? Let me know in the comments below. And as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch
xoxo

Friday 22 November 2019

Goals


I know it’s not January yet, so it seems a little premature to discuss goals and making changes and things like that. However, I am not one to play by the rules. Plus, a lot of things I want to talk about are goals I set in January, so this is more of a reflection before moving on.
 In January I set myself 3 areas of focus, the 3 things in my life I had control over, my health, my blog and my job, and now that it’s coming towards the end of the year, looking back, I haven’t done badly.

Health wise, I’ve done a minimum of 20 minutes every day on the treadmill since January 1st. My weight isn’t going anywhere, but I am feeling better for it. I think I am going to change it up in the new year, but the goal is still 20 minutes a day.

Blog wise; I haven’t missed a week. I have released some rubbish throwaway posts, but I haven’t missed anything. I want to continue that into the new year, hopefully with less throwaway posts. I would love to sort my social media out, but baby steps.

Work is letting me down in the hat trick. I am happier, however, that’s mainly because I no longer care. I have put more of an effort in but haven’t seen much back from that. My goal going into next year is to get my CPC, that will open more door for me and make decision making easier. I’ve already started working towards this goal and hopefully in March I should be able to achieve it. It’s all about focus right now.

Anyways, I am going to go and have dinner, since it is 23:00. But before I go, I have this question for you; what goals have you achieved in 2019? Let me know in the comments below. And as always, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch
xoxo

Friday 15 November 2019

I Miss Tyler


Okay, I have to admit something I really don’t want to. It pains me to say it, but I am actually missing Tyler. I’ve been on holiday for 12 days, Tyler was on holiday the 12 before that, so it’s been almost a month since we chatted, and I miss it.

As always, please don’t get any ideas… the dude isn’t into me and as a public service announcement that doesn’t make him a jerk or any of the other things he’s been called lately. He is a lovely human, most of the time, and that’s part of why I’ve missed him.

The other reason being he is the yin to my yang. Or in actual fact the yang to my yin. Yang is the positive masculine side, just in case you ever wondered which side was which. He is very good at balancing me out, actually, I, and others, feel we’re very good at balancing each other out. He is very calm and laid back and I am very “get shit done” and wound, it’s a good combination. And, as it gets busier that balance in needed or crazy happens.

The other reason I am really missing Tyler is we make each other laugh and when you’re laughing work goes so much quicker and it doesn’t feel like work. The week before I broke up, work was work and I missed having that little ability to giggle and make it feel a little better.

Anyways, I am off to enjoy my few remaining days off before I’m forced back to work. But before I go, I will leave you with this question; what makes your job more enjoyable? Let me know in the comments below. And as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch
xoxo

Friday 8 November 2019

Distance

I said a few posts ago, a boyfriend I'd hardly see would suit me nicely. And I thought I'd take this chance to explain what I meant by that.

While I might be in a better place, and open to the idea of dating more than I was. I'm still not perfect and I'm still finding people to be hard work a lot of the time. So in my mind a guy I see once of twice a month sounds like a beautiful compromise. I get some companionship, and maybe I won't die alone. But I still get time to myself to recharge and be less evil. Win, win, right?

The issue is finding someone with a similar mindset to me, and more importantly, finding someone I don't want stab. Let's be honest, that's the difficult bit. I'm not a big fan of people. Most of them are stupid and very hard work. I can count on my fingers the amount of people I actually like. And there's a time limit I can stomach being around even most of them.

Before anyone says it... No. Dudes not into me, this conversation ends here. Okay?

Anyways, I'm off to enjoy my holiday. But, before I go I have this question for you; what is your ideal relationship? Let me know in the comments below. And, as always, stay, and play, safe. 

Love,

The Honest Bitch
xoxo


Friday 1 November 2019

No, no


Why does it seem like everyone is trying to set me up with someone? I know I said I might be ready to start thinking about dating, but I haven’t said those words outside this blog and I really haven’t been giving off any I need to get laid vibes, so, I am not sure what the deal is.

Yes, dating someone sounds nice on paper. And, yes, I am feeling more stable and less emotionally drained and able to give in a relationship. But once again, that does equate to me wanting to be set up with anyone.

Does anyone have any theories on why the sudden interest in me and not being single? Let me know in the comments below, I am off to hide from my phone and people in general. Stay safe guys.

Love,

The Honest Bitch
xoxo

Friday 25 October 2019

Dating Rant


Another Thursday, another afternoon spent writing a post I should have written earlier in the week. Like I said, one of these days I will get all my shit together, but right now I’ll have to settle for having bits and pieces of my shit together.

I’ve been getting a lot of questions about dating recently. And by a lot, I mean, it’s starting to verge on obvious. So, I thought I’s take this chance to answer your burning questions, and by questions burning questions, I mean, pushy opinions because, there’s no questions, just a lot of people telling whom I should date and or whose penis I should ride.

Tyler isn’t happening. He’s not into me. We are good friends, and I love having him around, but nope. As perfect as I believe having a boyfriend who is 300 miles away is, still nope. That might be a post for another day. For now, the answer is just no.

 Team Mr. X…. Do you hate me? Why are you still a thing? I did my time, it cost me my youth, I may well die alone because of that whole mess. Give it up. Like really, no. That damage was done, repaired, taught me a lot, and gave me strength I never knew I had, but no.

Will I date again? I assume so. I’m not against it. I just need to find a human I don’t hate and that is hard. People as a whole suck.

Anyways, I am going to go and chill out. I would leave a question of the blog, but I have had enough opinions for right now. So just stay safe.
Love,

The Honest Bitch
xoxo

Friday 18 October 2019

Getting There


I keep saying it, but one day I will get crap together and I won’t be sat here on a Thursday writing a post that has to go up in a few hours. I am getting there, slowly. My new normal is becoming just that, normal. I am still not on top of everything like I would like to be, but I am nowhere near as overwhelmed as I was.

I won’t pretend for one second any of this has been easy, I have blog upon blog proving otherwise. I’m just lucky the small circle of people I can stomach are awesome. Even if they have no clue what do when I burst into tears for no apparent reason down the phone at them.

I will get there, and back to my normal, on top of everything self. I’m learning I need to just be patient with myself. Easier said than done.

Anyways, I am off to do my treadmill and try and get something done before I head back to work tomorrow. I shall leave you with this question before I go though, how do you stay on top of everything? Let me know in the comments below. As always stay and play safe.
Love,

The Honest Bitch
xoxo