Showing posts with label Death. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Death. Show all posts

Friday 21 May 2021

My First Birthday Without Her

This past week was my birthday and to be completely honest, it was horrible. I didn’t expect it to be as hard as it was. I fell completely apart at midnight and stayed a weepy mess until 1 o'clock. I wanted my mom, that’s all I wanted. It was strange and painful, she had been there for 33 years, she was there at minute 0, having a milestone without her was unbearable and hurt so much.

It didn’t get any better as the day went on. I spent the day alone, in bed crying. It was probably the hardest day I’ve had. I assumed her birthday would be hard, I hadn’t given mine much thought and I guess in hindsight it makes sense, I just wasn’t prepared and it really caught me off guard.

It’s now a couple days later, and I am feeling more myself and I am not such a mess and I have regained some composure. I am hoping that melt-down isn’t a yearly thing because…. Yikes, I don’t think I can do that again. I am very glad I wasn’t working.

Anyways, I am going to go before my eyes start leaking again. I just wanted to get my thoughts down. I googled how I was feeling, never do that by the way, I didn’t see a lot. It was all about celebrating their birthday and I wanted anyone else who is feeling the same way I did. To know it’s ok and normal, and understandable. Anyways, as always, my dears, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxo

Friday 16 April 2021

Still Not OK

Does anyone else have those moments where if they stop and are completely still, they can actually hear the voice inside their head screaming? Oh… it’s just me, good to know. I am not sure what is up with me, but I can seem to find any sort of Zen at all at the moment.

It’s gotten so bad, that when the voice in my head is muted, my body isn’t. I constantly feel like I am 30  seconds away from a panic attack. I’d like to say I don’t understand what is happening, but I have a fair idea, it’s more that I don’t want to deal with it and clearly, my brain and body aren’t accepting “no” as an answer.

This is the first time I’ve been off work in 6 months, and we all know what happened last time I was on holiday from work. I didn’t think it would affect me this much, but clearly, I was wrong. I know I haven’t worked through everything yet. Hell, I'm doubtful I have actually allowed myself to work through any of it. But you need to keep moving right? My mom wouldn’t want me dwelling on things, she’d want me out there kicking ass.

I need to stop this here, my eyes are leaking, and my nose is joying in, it is far too early to ugly cry. As always, let me know your thoughts in the comments below, and stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxo

Friday 14 September 2018

R.I.P


It’s been a rough week; Sunday night the world lost one of the most beautiful, funny, charismatic souls to ever walk this earth. 

For 2 years, he was my shift partner in crime, always managing to make everyone laugh when everything was crashing around us. Always there to cause trouble with when the night shifts were long, and it was dead. Just one of the nicest people you could ever dream of meeting. And on Sunday night, he took his own life. 

I’m struggling to come to terms with it all; he was always there for everyone, and…..

There was not a bad bone in his body and he’s just gone.

This guy was my role model; he lost his mom less than a year ago and he had a break down. Quit his job in the middle of the night, he lost it. I spoke to him about 3 weeks ago, and he was doing so well. He had his crap together, he sounded like himself again…he gave me hope.

He broke down, having a support system around him, siblings, father, step mom. As I watch my mom get sicker. I am aware I don’t have that. I am an only child, raised most of my life by a single mother. When she goes its not going to be pretty. He gave me hope that there would be light at the end of the tunnel and now I’m scared.

Sad and scared.

That said, right now, it’s time to drink Tequila, as we often did after our last shift.  This one is for you, you beautiful bastard. I hope you found peace with your mom up there.

Thursday 21 February 2013

Killer Wisdom Tooth

The wisdom tooth is most stupidly name thing ever; there is nothing wise about it at all. And I’m pretty sure the damn thing is trying to kill me. Let me explain.

I’m sure you remember a few weeks ago I was having trouble with my wisdom tooth and that infection spread to my sinuses. During that time my eye started randomly twitching but I didn’t think anything of it. That infection cleared but the eye thing continued.

Then this morning I woke up feeling like death. Turns out the infection hadn’t cleared up and the eye twitch should have been my warning sign. Did you know a twitching eye was a sign of a sinus infection? Cause I sure as hell didn’t. And all this crap comes back to my damn wisdom tooth which I’m now positive is trying to kill me.

I’m going to end this blog here because looking at the computer screen isn’t much fun right now. But before I go I am going to ask you what is the most stupidly name thing you can think of? Let me know in the comment box below and as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 
xoxoxo

Saturday 1 October 2011

NHL v GLAAD

This isn’t something I wouldn’t normally write about but it’s bugging me and it’s my blog so I’m going to write about it.

GLAAD is demanding that NHL take action against Philadelphia Flyer Wayne Simmonds for allegedly calling New York Ranger Sean Avery a faggot during a game last week.  

I have a lot of problems with this. I normally respect GLAAD and the work they do but in this case they can’t win and instead of passing on a good messages to NHL fans they’re just pissing off the fans who now don’t care what their message is and just see GLAAD as a pest.

The first problem with this case is Wayne Simmonds in a game earlier that week had a banana thrown at him. It was a blatant racist attack...if you believe the news. I personally think that might be all the guy had to hand but that’s beside the point. It didn’t make anywhere near as big of a news story as this.

The second part of this problem is Sean Avery in the same game where he was allegedly called a faggot, was picked up on a microphone threatening to kill Claude Giroux. There is no allegedly in that story he clear as day said it.

So the problem NHL fans are having with GLAAD is who are they to say their issue is more important than racism or a death threat. Other things happened in that game and for them to make a fuss over something nobody else heard when Avery himself said horrible things in that game makes them look pity.

The other issue of course is Sean Avery. He’s not what you call well liked. Actually I don’t know a hockey fan that has a nice thing to say about him. So even before GLAAD opened their mouth they were on thin ice. If you’re going to try and make a stand, logic would dictate you do it off a respectable player. Something Avery is not.

Maybe this is because I live in England now where they eat faggots and smoke fags but I feel GLAAD is being a little sensitive. Things get said in the heat of the moment during sports and what they say may not be pc it’s not a crime. They’re not saying these words to hurt or offend, they’re saying it to get under each other’s skin and clearly since Avery cried to the media it worked.

I personally take offence to claims that the NHL and their fans are homophobic. Give me a break. Hockey players talk shit that's their job, it's part of the game. What they say may not be politically correct or even fit for TV but that doesn’t make them or their fans who understand this homophobic.

I’m willing to bet this wouldn’t even be news if Avery hadn’t been over heard threatening to kill Claude Giroux. He didn’t want the shit storm, so instead he throw Simmonds under the bus. Classy.

I’m a big believer in what happens on the ice should stay on the ice and if Avery had a problem with what was said he should dealt with it on the ice instead of crying to the media like a over grown baby.

I’m a Leafs fan so I kind of feel dirty supporting a Flyer but I had to unleash my rant. I'm not saying what was said is right I'm just saying the sky isn't falling. Anyways my dears, I’m off for the evening as always stay safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch
xoxo