A Surprisingly Nice Birthday

Despite my fears that my birthday was going to follow its normal trend and be horrible; it was actually very nice.

Because of a coworker's sudden “sickness” I ended up spending the first 6 or so hours of my birthday at work which oddly enough wasn’t so bad. The drivers were quick to stop moaning when they found out (which, if you’ve ever worked with truck drivers you’ll know is a miracle in its self”. Most wished me a happy birthday and gave me a hug…. Admittedly, there were a few wondering hands, but who can blame them.

My supervisor was a sweetheart and got some non-alcoholic beers in so the shunter and the two of us had a drink to celebrate the start of my birthday. He also got me some Turkish delight and shortbreads which I may or may not be eating now for breakfast right now at 9pm. I give credit where credit is due and the man was a total sweetheart and actually made working on my birthday almost pleasurable.

I got home from about quarter past 7 had a mojito and snuggled up in bed to watch a little TV. About a half hour later I heard my phone go off and when I had a look it was a message from Barney saying “Happy birthday princess, hope you have a wonderful day x” I was more than a little shocked, I’ve made it more than a little clear to you all I really wasn’t expecting to hear from him at all. We had a little chat and then I went to bed.

I woke up about noon to message from Barney asking if I wanted to meet up for a drink later in the day, which nearly gave me a heart attack. Didn’t see that one coming, but of course I agreed. So at about 5pm I went to meet him at the pub for a few hours. It was lovely to get to see him. It was a much needed reminder of why I put up with everything I do.

After seeing Barney I came home and had a few drinks, dinner and of course I enjoyed my birthday cake. Then the gay husband came around and we got ready to go out for a few drinks with some friends.

The night out was entertaining, we drank, we danced, we gossiped and I had to explain the bruise on my boob to a room full men and dirty minded women, that weren’t believing the truth about how I actually got a bruise so I had a lot fun making up stories. If you want to know a giant penis did it from the inside out.

I got home about 4am, very drunk, had another drink, crawled into bed and slept until 19:00 today…. Impressive I know. However, thanks to my sleeping binge, I managed to wake up without any sign of a hangover so as birthday presents go that might be the best one I received.

Anyways, I’m back at work tomorrow, so I need to make myself look human and get some more sleep. So I guess I should leave you with a question, what was your favorite birthday surprise? Let me know in the comment box below and as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxo

1-800 DICK WAD

Does horniness affect the male IQ or are men just born idiots?

Last night I received a text message from a guy I “dated” (and I use that term very loosely; we hung out a few times and slept together once) 4 years ago. The text read “miss you sexy x x x x” Now you don’t need to be a genius to know where he’s going with that message. So I replied back with “Really???” anybody who knows me can feel the sarcasm dripping off that message, but apparently he didn’t feel it because his reply was “mmmm so much x x”.

At that point my ability to play nice broke and I snapped back with “DO I LOOK LIKE A FUCKING 1-800 NUMBER???? I’m not here to service you dick wad!” I really wish I had thought of something better then dick wad but sadly in the heat of the moment I didn’t. I then shot off a message saying “Since you seem to be having trouble understanding English tonight, let me make this easy for you. I wouldn’t fuck you for all the Mojitos in Cuba.” Now that’s saying something we all know how fond I am of a Mojito.

I just don’t understand why guys pull this shit, surely using their hand or investing in a fleshlight is a whole lot easier. So I guess that’s my question to you, why do guys waste their time trying to get laid when there is a quicker and easier solution to the problem? Let me know what you think in the comment box below. And as always stay and of course play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 
xoxoxo

Birthday Island

I've always said the world would be a better place if all my ex boyfriends were shipped off to a small island, then I realised they already live on a small island the only problem is I’m stuck on it too.

It’s kind of strange to think that all my ex boyfriends exist in a space no larger than Lake Ontario. All those headaches, tears and stress all contained in such a relativity small space, it’s crazy.

And great motivation to get the hell off this island. I’ve been here a fairly long time but no matter how long I’m here it’s just not home. It’s true what they same home is where the heart is and my hearts never been here.

It’s my birthday tomorrow and this time of year is always a little hard on me. I want to spend the day with my family and friends I’ve had since kindergarten. But instead I’m spending it what feels like hostile territory.

Luckily over the years I’ve found a good way to deal with birthday homesickness. I spend the day in bed with a pitcher of cocktails watching all 3 mighty ducks movies. Sounds a little pathetic I know but I enjoy it. If I wasn’t a Leafs fan I’d top the day off with some playoff hockey but we all know that’s a pipe dream.

I’m stranded on an island full of my exes and my hockey team beyond sucks...... Guess we all know what I’ll be wishing for as I blow out my candles tomorrow.

So tell me what do you do when you’re home sick? And would the world really be a better place if all your exes were sent to a small island?

As always my dears stay safe and be sure to join me in a drink Thursday (Tequila and Mojitos preferably).

Love Always,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxoxo

When One Cock Closes...

When One Cock Closes Another One Pops Up....

....The title of a blog I probably shouldn't be writing while drunk but I’ve never been one to take the dull way out and since I haven’t been able to write this sober, drunk is clearly the way forward.

Here’s how the story goes.

I was feeling very guilty about not putting up more of a fight when I warned NTB about this girl he was into. I’m calling her Ms. Train-Wreck. I knew she was trouble but I just wanted him to be happy. Little did I know she’d turn out to be Mr. X in drag. So now NTB is where I was 2 years ago and I feel horrible about it.

Well I was busy feeling bad about that, Mr. X sideswiped me with the news he has a girlfriend. I’m not stupid, I’m aware we both date but we don’t normally tell each other about it. So the news shocked me. It was really odd though, I didn’t cry or turn to my BBF in these situations (a very large bottle of tequila), I just went for a long walk and that was it.

There was one unforeseen problem though; I haven’t been able to string two words together since. Hence the drunken blogging, well that and it’s international drink something green day. Mojito is my green weapon of choice.

I’ve spent the afternoon/evening watching rugby and drinking with a bunch of my guy friends and now I’m home drinking more Mojitos (only 5 or 6) in bed and watching my sex and the city box-set. And I’ll tell you what, it feels damn good to let lose.

Anyways back to the story, after my long walk I came home to find a message on my twitter account from the evil monkey. It was such a sweet message and very well timed I could help but smile.

Then just as I was crawling into bed I noticed I had a Facebook inbox message. Thinking it was my cousin I got up to check it out, it turned out to be a message from a guy I haven’t seen or really spoken to in 2 years. We never dated we just kind of lived in the gray area.

I’m a smart girl, I know what an inbox message means but I needed a picked me up after the sideswiping so I decided to hear his BS out. It was the normal “we should go out sometime”, “I always think about you”, “you’re gorgeous”. I know that’s all code for “I’m horny”. But I needed the boost and it’s not like I was going to sleep with the guy. It was just a pick me up. And pick me up it did.

It was also a much needed reminder that when one cock closes another one pops up :-)

Play safe guys, Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxoxo