Friday 25 December 2020
Saturday 19 December 2020
I Come With A Manual
I often say we expect men to read minds and to know what’s wrong with us without us verbalizing it and since men aren’t mind readers and they don’t have access to a crystal ball, we can’t expect them to know what we need or how to handle us. That said, in my case, there is basically a fucking manual online on how to deal with me.
Recently, Hugh got my back up and it could be crazy girl brain,
or it could be something else, but for this blog it doesn’t really matter what the
root cause is. What matters is, he handled it like an amateur.
I am fairly simple, you piss me off, I will push you away. When
that happens, I need the other person to push in. Fair enough, leave me alone
that day or night if I am being a bitch. But send me a morning message, wishing
me a good day or make plans with me. Do something to let me know, you’re not
going anywhere. My inner crazy bitch is counteracted by being made to feel safe
and secure.
That is the key to me. When I feel safe and secure I am the
most calm chilled human around. And anyone whose been on this blog for any length
of time knows that. It’s the world's worth kept secret.
Anyways, I need to get ready for work. I just needed to
vent. As always, my dears stay and play safe.
Love,
The Honest bitch
Friday 18 December 2020
Friend Dates
Part of the staying friend’s thing with Hugh has been setting up “friend dates”. We have game nights and moving nights and he tries to murder me on walks through impassable mud. It’s been fun getting to know each other without the pressure of dating. And it’s still feels, for the most part, easy.
I’ve also found these prearranged “dates” greatly beneficial
to me, as I am able to use them almost as rewards. I know mentally if I get
through my work week for example, If I can put on a smile and adult for those 4
days, when it’s all done, I get to be me, and have some effortless time with
Hugh. It somehow makes things easier.
I am sure how he feels though. Sometimes it feels like he’s
pushing me away (which I get, I’ve been there) but others, I catch him with
this most genuine heart-warming smile on his face. Then he makes comments, like
he feels an obligation to me which sit heavily on me. I don’t want anyone to
hangout with me because they feel obliged. I want them to hangout with me because
they want to, because they like being around me. Not because they have to. I
don’t want to be a burden to anyone.
My head kind of hurts, and I am probably overthinking things;
lack of sleep will do that to you. Like I said, normally things feel easy and
we have fun. But I appear that way at work and I’m definitely just playing a
part there. I guess only time will tell, eh?
Anyways, I need to get ready for work. Let me know your thoughts
in the comments below. And as always. Stay and play safe.
Love,
The Honest Bitch
Friday 11 December 2020
Q&A Part 2
I recently did a Q&A and there were few additional questions I thought deserved an answer. And since I am posting this very late, I figured I’d get this out of the way now since the odds are nobody is going to see this post. Let’s get started, shall we?
Now that Hugh and you have broken up are you dating?
No, I’ve made the decision to stay single for a little while.
I’m very cognisant of the fact people going through grief can misinterpret
feelings and wind up in relationships they wouldn’t otherwise. I am going to
hold off a while and re-evaluate where I am in the new year.
How are things going with the just being friends?
For the most part, they’re going ok. We seem to be making it
work. It has moments that feel awkward. And I think he goes through phases of
trying to push me away, but I expect that. And I am sure I’ll do the same to
him at some point. Right now, it’s all fine.
If they’re a future for you and Hugh?
As friends, sure. As anything else… I am not one to say
never, I haven’t padlocked any of those doors nor windows, but it’s highly
unlikely. I’d place a bet on him being another guy I date right before he finds
a girl and gets married. If anyone is counting, he’d make number 8 that’s done
that. I am guy fixer upper…. Shame you don’t get paid the same way you do when
you flip houses.
With Christmas coming up, how are your Mr. X thoughts?
I have a feeling this year, that may play on my mind in a
way it hasn’t for a while. I am ok right now. And I am working over Christmas
so hopefully, I won’t have time to think too much about it.
Are you ok?
Yep, I am perfectly ok. I am in fake it till you make it
mode and sooner or later I’ll believe it. Thank, god for those damn acting lessons.
Anyways, I am off, as always, my dears, stay and play safe.
Love,
The Honest Bitch
Friday 4 December 2020
Bonding?
Even at my ages I am still surprised how something a guy says in passing can continue to play on the female mind long after it’s been said. For example, Hugh made an “innocent” comment 3 weeks ago and it continues to occasionally pop into my mind. I am sure nothing was meant by it, but my brain still questions what caused him to say it.
The statement, well question was “are you trying to bond
with me?”. I did question it straight away, however he kind of brushed it off
and wouldn’t engage. And it has been bothering me ever since.
Why question that? Is it because he feels like we are bonding?
Is it because he feels like I am being fake? Is it because he doesn’t want me around?
Why? Just why?
The sensible side of me knows it doesn’t matter. And if it
does, it’ll play out in the end. But the girl part of my brain wants to use
water torture on him to get him to explain what he meant.
Anyways, that’s enough of that, I need sleep and to clean as
Hugh is coming over tomorrow evening for a friend date…. Yes, I am aware of how
pathetic that sounds. As always, my dears, stay and play safe.
Love,
The Honest Bitch
xxx
Friday 27 November 2020
Ok
Apologies this post is going up late, but I wasn’t sure I wanted to write anything this week. It’s been a hard week and to be honest I kind of just wanted to let in pass and try to reset, but I think it’s important to continue to write and keep things as normal as I can.
That said things aren’t normal, and I am struggling.
I am doing what I can to stay level-headed, not cause myself
issues later. I am taking a step back from a lot of things and am in survival mode.
I know it’ll be ok, and I’ll get there, its just going to take time.
Anyways I am off to play the sims. As always stay and play
safe.
Love,
The Honest Bitch
Friday 20 November 2020
Well That Didn’t Last Long
Apparently, ladies and gentlemen, it was not me and dating you had to worry about, it was Hugh and dating that should have been the concern. After 5 dates we have decided to call things off. Hugh just isn’t ready yet, and I completely understand, I was there. And to be honest, I had my suspicions early on this may have been the case, but I chose to ignore the red flag. I, however, don’t really regret that decision.
I am hopeful that Hugh and I can remain friends, actually
hanging out, doing things friends. I’ve said this all along things are easy
between us, we can giggle and talk, and we share a lot of the same interests. My
guard has been down with him from almost the very beginning, I have been just
me and he’s handled it well. I kid that someone has given him a handbook or manual
on how to deal with me. It’s just natural to him. When my mom passed away, he
was perfect. I know how bad that could have been for me if he wasn’t there. He
instinctively calms me down and he doesn’t know he’s doing it. He often places
his hand on the part of my back, I press against the wall to calm my anxiety. I
feel better when I am with him.
It makes me giggle because he was so concerned about me
attaching when we were dating. And I did, but not in the loved up mushy way. I
attached in a this person is awesome and I like having them around way. He is a
good guy and I like him as a human. He’s the only person right now I can be
totally honest with. I feel alone and he helps without knowing. I can just be
myself, no walls, no acts, just me and it’s nice. With everyone else, I have to
tough, I have to be strong, I have things I needed to worry about, perceptions,
gossip. None of that is a thing with him, I get to just be.
I pray, nothing changes this. Truth be told, I didn’t need or
want a boyfriend or the sex (no matter how good it may have been), I needed a
friend and he’s a pretty damn good one.
Anyways, I am off before my eyes leak juices everywhere. As
always, my dears, stay and play safe.
Love,
The Honest Bitch
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