Sunday 9 June 2013

Reasons to Kick Men in Their Junk

I was in bed the other night, struggling to keep my eyes open when my phone started ringing; that’s never a good sign, I am a text person. I looked at the phone and saw Hope’s name, then notice it was only 11 o’clock; I knew she had a date with her......I’m going to call him her boyfriend because it’s easier than trying to explain their actual relationship, so I was little worried why she was calling.

When I picked up all I could hear is her crying, knowing I had no hope of understanding a word of it over the phone I asked her if she was home, I assumed she said yes  (I really couldn’t understand a word she was saying) so I told her I’d be right over. Luckily she lives pretty close so I put on my dressing grown and pink fluffy slipper boots and walked around.

When I got there she was face down on the coach still crying, I sat on the edge of the couch and she didn’t react to me being there. I’ve said this many times but this is my friendship specialty so I know from experience that's a bad sign, normally people sit up, hug you and make your shoulder all wet. Luckily I have a trick to fix this, so I walked into her kitchen and took a bottle of wine (if you can call Lambrini wine) out of the fridge, sat down on the floor next to the couch, opened the bottle and offered it to her (this isn’t the time for glasses). She sat up and took the bottle from me.

After most of the bottle was gone, and most the tears stopped I asked her what happened.  She down the rest of the bottle, got up and got another one, came back and told me the story. Her and Platypus (he’s Australian and a mammal so why not) had gone out and after dinner they went for a drive, they parked somewhere quiet and one thing led to another and they didn’t have sex but to put it....hmmmm......a DNA handshake happened.

When all that was finished they were talking and he casually mentioned he was tired because the night before he had a date and that women didn’t leave his place until he left to pick up Hope. I’m not sure how but Hope kept her cool and told Platypus to drive her home. Once she got in she lost it and called me.

I then took the wine from her and had some myself, because sober isn’t the answer to that problem. We processed to get trashed and talk shit about Platypus. I then asked her how she managed not to kick him in the balls, after hearing that.  She said she was raised that there is never a valid reason to kick a man in his privates. I looked her in the eyes and said “honey, that's bullshit. And a guy being a dick to you while there are still remnants of his cum on your person is just ONE of the many valid reasons to kick a guy in his junk”.  We then continued to drink and crack jokes at Platypus’s expense until the wee hours of the morning, when she fell asleep and I walked home getting many strange looks for people walking their dogs.

So I have to ask; what other valid reasons can you think of to kick a man in his junk? Let me hear them in the comment box below. And as always stay and play safe.


The Honest Bitch 


  1. Unless physically attacked, never. Same goes for hitting the person you are dating anywhere. Male or female. Frankly, if they are not monogamous, what did he do wrong? He is being honest, stupid, but honest. Aren't women always bitching about men never being honest? Meh, maybe as I guy I just look at things differently. But, kick in the balls, it is actually assault, and can land one in jail. Domestic violence, never acceptable.

    1. Neither is making my friend cry, and I may well kick him myself. Minus the Grinch, I'm not a violet person But this guy crossed a line.

      And they were monogamous, they had that whole lets not see other people conversation. But the boyfriend/girlfriend title isn't there because.....I actually don't know, they just like making it hard for me to blog

    2. Then she she kick him to the curb and be grateful that he told her, so she doesn't wait another moment on a guy like that. Waste of fresh air, yes. Getting arrested for assault, not so much. Now ask yourself, if she cheated and he decked her, would that be okay?

    3. Decked her? No, kicked her in the vagina, yes. I'd still be pissed but it's fair, I am a reasonable crazy person after all lol

      But you are right he's not worth getting arrested over. Like I told her stupid normal finds away to hurts itself anyways. I mean there is a reason coffee and curling irons have warnings printed on them

    4. You know, me you and NYC should do a blog:)

    5. We really should. All our crazy together would be awesome :-)

    6. My crazies I totally agree, and of course have a lot more to say than just I LOVE YOU GUYS but being on very little sleep and jetlag, I am going to pass out now but I will be back tomorrow with more :)

  2. one time i was drunk with my ex and we got in a physical fight, i must admit i slapped her first so i started it.....but after a few minutes of fighting she managed to kick my balls really hard and as much as i tried to keep fighting her back i couldent, she made me apologize when i was on the ground otherwise she said shed kick my nuts again when on the ground.

    even though im much bigger and stronger then her she beat me up. I should say however that ballet gave her good flexibility and nimbleness. i will never underestimate a girl again

    after this incident i was actually quite scared of her, and she would sometimes remind me of the incident when wed argue in the future. She would also pretend to kick my balls just to see me flinch from time to time....learned my lesson

  3. Are you into ballbusting?

  4. I think you don't have the balls to kick me in the junk!