Relationship Zombies

I use to call the men from my past that periodically pop up without notice “ghosts of relationships past”, but after some thinking and some drinking I decided the proper term for these men are “relationship zombies”. Let me explain.

First of all I really like the mental image of instead of batting these men away like human whack-a-moles I get to blow their zombie heads off with a .44. (Like I said I was drinking when I came up with this theory.)

Second, it would explain why these men pop up in the first place. I go out of my way to burn bridges and hurt feelings when I break up with someone, it’s kind of my insurance policy against them popping up in the future. But it never seems to work. Why you ask? Because they’re zombies and everyone knows zombies don’t have feelings.

Everyone always warns you to be careful who you date and I always thought that was because you might find yourself dating a rapist or a murderer but no, I was wrong. They tell you to be careful because those failed relationship turn into flesh eating (or at least flesh sucking) zombies that can pop up at any time without notice.

Where the hell was that PSA growing up? “Kids make good choices or zombies are going to stalk you for the rest of your life.” Would have been useful to know!

Or at least would have given me a chance to stalk up on zombie survival gear. TV fails me again.

Anyways how would you characterize your past relationships? And what do you think I was drinking when I came up with this one? Let me know in the comment box below and as always stay away from zombies.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxoxo

Positive Reinforcement

I’ve had a lovely week off but man, it was like the whole world knew I was taking some time off and were conspiring to plant ideas in my head. I have a notebook full of ideas that are just crying out to be made into blogs. It took some real will power not to log on to my computer and start writing.

Luckily I am back now and can start turning some of those ideas into readable words. I’m going to start with something that happened in the wee hours of Saturday morning.

I was chatting with NTB and like always when we chat the time got away from me and when I looked at the clock I realised it was almost 6am and I had to be up in 4 hours so I said good night and crawled into bed.

Just before I nodding off I picked up my phone to check my Twitter and noticed I had a text message. This was a little strange, normally any drunken messages I get have come and gone by that hour. I looked at the name and I didn’t immediately recognize it. After a few minutes my half asleep brain finally worked out who it was and who it was kind of through me for a loop. It was a guy I dated/slept with regularly 10 years ago (and if you’re doing the math I’m well aware how old I was 10 years ago).  

Needless to say I was a little curious to why he’d be messaging me. All sorts of things run through your head and none of them are good. Luckily he didn’t keep me guessing long, he soon made his intent very clear.

He wanted to relive some of the good old days and come over to “see me”.  Me not being stupid asked “and do what?” Him not being the coy type replied “f*ck you.” Charming I know.

Once he said that I quickly sent him a message saying “Oh, really? Last I heard you had a girlfriend.” I hadn’t heard anything but I figured men never change and he quickly confirmed that with his reply “So I’d still f*ck you”.

I was actually impressed by his honest reply. I almost wanted to throw him one as a reward. I mean we spend our whole lives telling men just to be honest with us. When one finally listens to that advice I kind of want to reward that positive behaviour. Kind of like the way you train a child......or dog, ignore the bad behaviour and reward the good.

However I’m not crazy and I really hate dealing with angry girlfriends so that’s never going to happen, positive reinforcement or not.

When it was clear he wasn’t making any progress in his mission to get in my pants he resulted to calling chicken. Not a smart move. I created that game, remember Chicken Man? I’m the master you don’t want to play that game with me you can’t win.

And he certainly didn’t win. I spent the next 40 minutes just messing with him. I’d charge the topic and wouldn’t answer questions. I just wouldn’t bite. And he was quickly getting frustrated with the whole thing. And I couldn’t stop laughing. You’d think after 10 years he could take a hint but apparently I spent that time getting smarter and he well......didn’t.

It still amazes me just how stupid some men can be; what did he think would happen? I’d fall into bed with him and things would be the same as they use to be? Give me a break, that’s not how the real world works.

And in all honesty given the choice I’d rather spend the evening with my battery operated friend. At least my rabbit has the common decency not to text at 6am.

So I have to ask, what do you think about the idea of rewarding good behaviour? And has an ex ever contracted you after a long period of time and if so, what did they want? Let me know in the comment box below.

As always my dears stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxoxo 

Dating Horror Story – The Grinch who stole my 21st birthday

Since you guys seemed to really enjoy my last relationship horror story I thought I’d share another one with you. This one is about the Grinch who stole my 21st birthday.

I met the Grinch at my local pub which in hindsight should have been my first red flag. I had been eyeing him up for months and he was flirting back but never made a move. So on New Year’s Eve I decided fuck it and made the first move myself. We ended up having a great night and we swopped numbers.

For the next month we texted and chatting a little but not much more than that. The guy moved slower than a snail. With a little pushing from my friend we ended up in a relationship just after Valentine’s Day.

It was never a happy relationship the guy had issues. Issues he managed to hide pretty damn well until we were in an actual relationship. He had problems knowing when to stop drinking and I later found out he did drugs too. Which would have been a deal breaker if I had known.

One night he called me from town drunk begging me to come get him. So I agreed to pick him up. Not a great idea. I couldn’t get the idiot out of my car. I spent 40 minutes outside his house trying to get him out. Pulling, pushing, and kicking him. I wasn’t having much luck. I managed to get him half way out of my car. Then he looked at me laughed and got back in and shut my car door. Needless to say I didn’t find it so funny. I gave up after that and drove home and left him in my car to sleep it off.

I went inside and got ready for bed. About 3 hours later I hear a noise at my front door. I got out of bed to check it out and it was the Grinch trying to get in my house with his house key. Needless to say I wasn’t impressed. I let him in because I had no real choice and let the asshole take my bed and I took the couch. I was ready to dump his sorry ass but I listened to friends and gave him another chance. (That was a stupid move and I’m no longer friends with those people.)

In May of that year he dragged me to a family wedding. We all know how I feel about weddings. This wedding was worse because his family is a walking, talking Adam’s Family. It was a fucking nightmare. Or should that be he was a fucking nightmare.

He was drunk and loud and really rude to his family. I was embarrassed to be seen with him. He was such as ass I actually ended up putting him on the floor. The dude was acting like a fucking child. It was total nightmare.

I had every plan on dumping him but it was 10 days till my birthday so I decided to hang on until then. I figured I deserved a present after the way he acted. I never did get the present because two days before my birthday he dumped me. That’s right that poor excuse for a man dumped me.

Needless to say I was more than a little pissed off. I wasn’t hurt or sad about the break up; I was just plain old mad. Who was he to dump me after the way he acted?

He added to my anger when I found out he had plans to pop in and see me at my birthday party. I had been saying for months I didn’t want to do anything for my birthday but him and my best friend at the time forced me into planning a night out. Once we broke up I figured I didn’t have to go out now. And I was free to spend the night the way I wanted to. I was wrong.

I actually had a great night until Mr. Grinch showed up. When I saw him I actually saw red. I really don’t remember much after that until we were outside talking and he said something. I guess I didn’t like what he said because I punched him square in the jaw. He was out cold. I remember feeling cheated because he went down so easily, I wanted to kick the shit out of him. The real punch line is he’s a personal trainer who had just gotten back from a boxing course. Guess they forgot to teach him how to keep his hands up.

I got a lot of praise for punching him and putting him in his place. Guess he had rubbed more than just me up the wrong way. As good as it felt, it really sucks that’s how my 21st will always be remembered. He stole the night from me. Why would you show up where you knew your ex is going to be on her birthday?

It still makes me mad to think about that relationship. But I’ve learned my lesson. Never date people you have a chance of running into once you’ve broken up. Stay safe guys.

Love,

The Honest Bitch
xoxoxoxo

Dating Horror Story

I was looking back at some of the reasons I decided to take a break from dating and I just randomly started laughing at something that was so horrific at the time but is kind of funny now. I thought you guys might get a kick out of the story.

It was about 3 years ago I think. I meet a guy online and we started chatting. After a few months of chatting and texting we decided to meet up. We got along great and went out 5 or 6 more time. Nothing more than just a good night kiss ever happened between us. Which I thought was odd but didn’t read much into it.

About 3 days after our last date, I was sat on my bed checking my Facebook and I noticed this guy updated his relationship status. As you do when a guy you’re dating updates his relationship status I checked it out.

It had him as “in a relationship” with some dude so I figured it was guys fucking around and didn’t think anymore of it.

....until about 5 minutes later when I saw he uploaded some pictures.

These picture were of this guy full on making out with the guy he changed to “in a relationship” with.

I was in shock. I just sat there on my bed not moving, with my mouth wide open. I don’t even remember blinking. I just sat there like a statue for a good 5 – 10 minutes. When I finally did move, I didn’t break eye contract with the screen. I just moved my right hand to pick up my phone and dialled my best friend at the time.

I remember the conversation like it was yesterday. It went something like this.

Me- “hmmmmm, hi.......do you remember that guy I was seeing?”

K – “Yeah, what’s wrong”

Me “hmmm, hmmm"

K –“You’re not pregnant are you?”

Me – “God no”

K – “Then?”

Me – “Facebook”

K- “I need more”

Me- “He changed his status”

K - “To?”

Me - “Fucking some dude”

K – “What!?”

Me - “He’s in a relationship with a guy”

K – “He’s joking”

Me – “No, no, no, there are pictures”

K – “Pictures?”

Me – “Yeah..... Crystal clear, colour photos”

K – “Oh”

Me - “Yeah”

K – “I’ll be right over”

When she got here I was still sat glaring at my netbook. She closed it and looked at me. And we both started to laugh because what else can you do. She then asked to see the pictures, which lead to the most horrified look on her face I've ever seen, It was so funny, my sides hurt thinking about it. That girl is far too innocent.

We then went out the pub for a drink and then......I don’t really remember much. Oh, I lie, I do remember getting a beer for free because we told the bartender I turned a guy gay.

I never did confront the guy because I don’t think the words for conversation exist. That’s why Hallmark doesn’t make greeting card for it. So once I was over the shock, I just laughed it off. I figure when they make the movie of my life that scene would keep people talking and make me more money.

Sometimes in life you just got to laugh....even if it’s because you turned a guy gay. How many people can say that eh? Lol

Stay safe guys,

Love you,

The Honest Bitch
xoxoxoxo

Breaking with Birthday Tradition

I’ve always blamed my bad birthdays since I’ve moved to England on me being homesick. I’m away from my best friends and family it’s not the makings of a good day. But after a little chat NTB I’ve realised there’s been another reason why my last 3 birthdays have been below par.

I’ve been broken up with days before my birthday 3 years in a row. Clearly they weren’t that important to me if I’m only just realising that. In all honesty there are just other events that standout more to me.

Last year (2010) was when Mr. X and I started talking again. Which over shadowed my breakup with Stephen (my rebound to Mr. X) and my breakup with Andy who by the way was a cheating scum bag. Before you ask yes I did overlap relationships if you can call a rebound boyfriend a “relationship”.

2009 was the breakup with Steve. That breakup was overshadowed by the sinus infection from hell.

2008 which was my 21st birthday was all about me knocking out my ex boyfriend Keith whom broke up with me days earlier. He deserved to get his ass kicked and I’m pleased I did the world that service.

This year is the end of that tradition. I’m heading into my birthday 100% single and more importantly I’m not interested in anyone so this birthday should be drama free.

My plan for my birthday this year is to get very drunk and with a little bit of luck I won’t remember it so I won’t know if it’s another shitty birthday or not. Smart thinking eh? I think I should start writing apology notes now. Lucky for everyone I’m a fun drunk, random but fun.

Anyways my dears it’s not my birthday yet so I have things I need to get done. As always stay safe and don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.

Love Always

The Honest Bitch

Xoxoxoxoxo

Last Christmas I gave you my heart and the very same day you gave it away.

Merry Christmas Everyone,

I hope you are having an awesome day with friends and family. I’ll keep my fingers crossed that you all have a drama free day and the only headaches are the Boxing Day hangovers.

I can’t help but let my thoughts drift to last Christmas. That’s probably why I’ve taken a shine to Taylor Swift’s version of Last Christmas. The song sums it all up from”your soul of ice” to “But if you kissed me now I know you’d fool me again”. The only change that needs to be made is to cross out “the very next day” and replace it with “the very same day”.

A year on I’m grateful for the lessons I’ve learned because of that day. However I’m still at the point where I’m just not willing to be hurt again. It’s a weird situation because I completely forgive him. It’s me don’t forgive. How could I be so stupid? Why did I let myself believe him? I have a lot self hatred over that day. I will always be my hardest critic and because of that I’m confident I won’t let it happen again. I just have to get over the fact it happened at all. I failed myself.

I hate this time of year, I’m homesick. No matter how many Christmas's I celebrate here, this isn’t my home. It feels like the longer I live here, the more I hate it. It’s becoming very hard for me to find a positive to being here. Does the feeling I’ll have when I leave here count as a positive? Please don’t get me wrong England is fine, it’s just not my home, and it’s not where I should be. I’m not happy here.

Anyways dolls I’ve off to open presents and help my mother get ready for the guests. Merry Christmas Everyone, have a wonderful day.

Lots of Love

The Honest Bitch

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Looking back

Hey Dolls,

It’s Thursday night and I’m home alone doing some thinking, about decisions I’ve made and people I’ve chosen to date. The list of these occupations is sad at best. I always pick the wrong guys, for the wrong reasons.

I’m single because I decided to break the pattern of me dating guys who are clearly losers. I also really couldn’t stomach getting hurt again. There is only so many times a person can bounce back from being squashed before they just stay flatted.

It’s said you only get two great loves and I’ve had both mine, I don’t know if that means I’m destined to spend my life alone with a million cats or if I’m just special and will have more than two great loves that shaped and change me. I guess knowing at my age I’m out of the normal amount of chances to find love means I’ll just have to be enough for me. I’ll have to catch myself when I fall, I’ll have to be the understanding person who says it’s ok to mess up and I’ll have to look after myself and give myself all the love I can because there is no grantees there’s a Mr. Right out there for me.

I know the tone of this is a little sad and not my normal playful self but sometimes it’s important to take a look back at where you’ve come from so you can see where it is you’re going.

In better news the Leafs looked very good in last night’s game. There might be a little hope for them making the playoffs this year. Fingers crossed.

Anyways dolls I’m off to bed. Sweet dreams and as always, stay out of trouble.

Love Always

Queen Bee x x x x x x
(The Honest Bitch)