It’s been a long
couple of days, one of my dear friends got dumped by a jerk and since my
speciality is breakups, I’ve been at her 24 hour beck and call. Which means
lots of late nights and a few makeup strained shoulders (anyone know how to get
mascara out of a white shirt?).
Honestly I don’t
really mind, although the first 24 hours after a breakup suck even for me. You can’t
really do anything to help during that period. You just have to sit there and
listen. And maybe throw out the odd “it’s going to be ok”. You can’t say
anything else because they don’t want to hear it and it almost sounds a little
forced. You just have to let them cry it out no matter how tough it is to watch.
When it comes to
breakups I follow the saying “cry a river, build a bridge and get over it”. But
unfortunately step 1 is crying the river.
Depending on how long
they dated normally after 24 hours they’re ready for some humour based bad
mouthing. You can’t be too mean at this point or they’ll burst into tears and
say “but I love him” and nobody wants to see that mess (trust me). But if you
can get them laughing 99% of time you’re golden.
With my friend the
line that worked was “look on the bright side at least now you don’t have to shave
his bear skin rug like back.” It was true and got a snotty laugh, gross but a
good sign.
After humour bad
mouthing comes my favourite part, junk and bitching. Admittedly I feel sick
today after the pizza, ice cream and chocolate last night (please note no alcohol,
that’s very important. NEVER give a dumpee booze) but she’s feeling better and
that’s what matters. We spent the evening plotting revenge and discussing his small
penis, lack of manners and how he laughs like a “brain dead hyena”.
While I’m home today
recovering from last night’s junk fest she’s out with some of the other girls getting
her hair and nails done. Once you stop the crying phase it’s important to look
good. It makes you feel better and let’s face it, if you run into your ex there
is no better revenge then looking hot (unless you're in your car when you run into him). Hell even if his friends see you they’ll
report back to him so looking good is a must.
Normally after a week
or so my friends are pretty much back to their normal selves. They might still
have the odd tear and shouldn’t be drinking and left alone with their phone but
on the whole there pretty stable at that point and the amount of calls I get reduces
drastically.
I’m not sure how I
ended up in this role but when my friends are crying they always ask for me. I
don’t really understand it but my best guess is it’s because I don’t fed them
lies, I don’t say they’ll get back together, I just listen and once they’re ready,
joke with them. I mean I can’t fix it so all I can do is try to lighten things
up and occasionally threaten an ex or two.
So that’s how I
handle my friends when they’re going through a breakup but what do you do? Let
me know in the comment box below.
As always my dears
stay and play safe, Love,
The Honest Bitch
xoxoxo
