Derogatory?

Someone left me a comment criticizing my choice in pseudonym; saying it was a very derogatory term. I couldn’t help but roll my eyes at the comment but it did make me wonder if others thought that way too.

I personally don’t think bitch is a derogatory term. I understand the dictionary doesn’t agree with me but the English language is always evolving and it takes time for the dictionary to catch up with reality.  There are new words added and definitions changed every year. Take “tweet” for example up until the end of 2011 according to the dictionary it was the chirp of a small bird; not a 140 characters of TMI.

I think bitch is kind of like that too, the dictionary has it as one thing but when you look at how it’s used in the real world it means something completely different. It’s not spiteful, lewd, difficult and overbearing women that are called bitches. It’s strong, independent women, who stand up for what they believe in and don’t back down that are called it.

I did a quick Google search to see what famous women have been branded as bitches, the list includes Jennifer Aniston, Jennifer Lopez, Beyoncé, Julia Roberts, Judy Sheindlin (aka Judge Judy), Martha Stewart, Barbara Walters and Oprah.  If these women are bitches count me in.

Interesting side note almost all the women listed above are also listed as the most powerful women in Hollywood. Now that’s some food for thought.

When the word bitch is so often linked to such successful women it becomes a non-insult. Who wouldn’t want to share characteristics with these women? When some says “You’re a BITCH!” my reply is always “and?” I figure if women like Barbara Walters and Oprah are bitches it’s not a bad thing. Hell it’s probably a good thing.

But that’s just my opinion, what do you guys think, is bitch a derogatory term or a title that should be worn proudly? Let me know what you think in the comment box below and as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest BITCH!!

xoxo

1-800 DICK WAD

Does horniness affect the male IQ or are men just born idiots?

Last night I received a text message from a guy I “dated” (and I use that term very loosely; we hung out a few times and slept together once) 4 years ago. The text read “miss you sexy x x x x” Now you don’t need to be a genius to know where he’s going with that message. So I replied back with “Really???” anybody who knows me can feel the sarcasm dripping off that message, but apparently he didn’t feel it because his reply was “mmmm so much x x”.

At that point my ability to play nice broke and I snapped back with “DO I LOOK LIKE A FUCKING 1-800 NUMBER???? I’m not here to service you dick wad!” I really wish I had thought of something better then dick wad but sadly in the heat of the moment I didn’t. I then shot off a message saying “Since you seem to be having trouble understanding English tonight, let me make this easy for you. I wouldn’t fuck you for all the Mojitos in Cuba.” Now that’s saying something we all know how fond I am of a Mojito.

I just don’t understand why guys pull this shit, surely using their hand or investing in a fleshlight is a whole lot easier. So I guess that’s my question to you, why do guys waste their time trying to get laid when there is a quicker and easier solution to the problem? Let me know what you think in the comment box below. And as always stay and of course play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 
xoxoxo

Fake Mother's Day

It’s time once again for me to start my yearly endeavour to find a Mother’s Day card that spells mom right. There will be no spelling it “mum” or “mummy” on my watch. In case you’re wondering why I’m talking about this in March, that’s because the UK seems to think Mother’s Day is a March holiday despite most of the world knowing otherwise.

Since moving to the UK I’ve called this March holiday “Fake Mother’s Day”. I don’t really celebrate it as Mother’s Day, I do give my mom a card and something small because I feel bad that her friends get gifts and she doesn’t but I save her real gift and nice card until Mother’s Day (the real one).

I did a little research on this (stop laughing I do actual research these blogs... sometimes) and it turns out I’m kind of right on the whole Mother’s Day thing.

What the UK calls “Mother’s Day” is actually something called “Mothering Sunday” which is a Christian holiday celebrated on the 4^th Sunday of lent. Only the UK, Ireland and Nigeria celebrate “Mother’s Day” on that day. 

The day most of us know as Mother’s Day (the 2^nd Sunday in May) turns out to be an American invention that only became a holiday in 1914 and has no religious ties at all. It’s just a day to honour mothers and motherhood. So there is your educational fact for the day.

Anyways I’m off to find a sharpie so I can change a “u” to an “o”. Have a fantastic weekend and tell me in the comments below why do they spell it with a “u” anyways? Isn’t it short for mother, where does the “u” come from?  As always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

Life Lesson 384

Trying to write a blog; while on muscle relaxants and painkillers is a complete waste of time.

I woke up this morning to something I can only assume was my attempt at blogging last night. I’m fairly certain most of it wasn’t in English and I’m positive the “pink squidgy marshmallow man” I was writing about is actually my Animal pillow. At least I hope it is.

I’m a little hazy on the details of last night but my back feels much less evil today, so, cheer to the “pink squidgy marshmallow man” I guess lol

What is the last event in your life that you’re a little hazy about? Let me know in the comment box below and while you’re at it what else could “pink squidgy marshmallow man” be? As always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxoxo

The Downgrade Effect

I’m going to start this by saying outright I am a bad person. So keep my open admission in mind while you’re reading the rest of this post lol.

Recently I gave into temptation and internet stalked the girl who put an end to a “relationship” I was in. Like I said I’m a bad person but it gets worse. Once her picture popped up something interesting happened....

I felt instantly better.

I was staring at a girl who looked like she was plucked from the cast of “Little Women”.  I’m trying to be nice here but the woman was the definition of homely. And to be honest it made me smile (once again I know I’m a bad person). It’s one thing when your friends tell you you’re better looking than your exes new girlfriend but it’s quite another when you can sit there yourself and honestly know you are better looking.

It’s an amazing feeling; one so awesome that it takes away all those hurt and angry feeling you have bottled up. It’s that wonderful feeling of knowing his new girlfriend isn’t even on par with you. I call it “The Downgrade Effect”. As bad as this sounds; it’s a very similar feeling to that warm and fuzzy feeling you get from doing charity work. (Once again I’m aware I’m a bad person)

This could have so easily gone the other way, there was a 50/50 chance that she could have been smoking hot and if that were the case I’d be suffering from the “Upgrade Effect” right now. Which normally involves crying and a large bottle of tequila, but luckily for me that wasn’t the case. *Even while typing this I can’t help but smirk* (Bad person, I know)

So what upgrade or downgrade experiences do you have? Let me know in the comment box below and as always my dears, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxoxo

Bitter Cause and Effect

There is a difference between being bitter and being honest. When I was asked about one of my exes yesterday I called him “a tool” and apparently because of that I’m “bitter”. I take offence to that. I don’t like him that’s not bitterness that more cause and effect than anything.

The cause being he made me endure his whack-job family for a weekend then a week later (days before my birthday) broke up with me, I then found out he was cheating on me. Then he had the nerve to show up at my birthday.

The effect of that being me punching him in his face knocking him out cold (don’t ever fuck with a hockey girl) and me losing all respect and willingness to tolerate him.

I don’t think me calling him a tool was me being bitter I think it was first of all the understatement of the century and second of all me being honest. I mean I could play nice of course but frankly why should I? “Playing nice” is just another word for fake as far as I’m concerned. And I’m a lot of things but fake isn’t one of them.

What do you guys think, is honesty and bitter two different things or am I in the wrong here? And what interesting cause and effect stories do you have? Let me know in the comment box below. As always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxoxo

Chicken Missing

It’s been about a year since Chicken Man and I have been in the same country at the same time and I’m really missing him. I miss the easiness of our relationship, I miss that he could always make me feel better without even trying and I really miss well.....his penis, ok, I said it, I miss his penis. I swear to god that thing was built for me.

As fond as I am of his penis, it’s his ability to make me feel better I’m missing right now. I miss how when one of us was sick we’d spend all day in bed together watching films you couldn’t pay most men to watch. He loved theatre so we’d watch so The Phantom of the Opera, Cats, or Les Miserables. Like I said, stuff you couldn’t pay most guys to wouldn’t watch.

It always makes me laugh that when people see Chicken Man they think he’s some tough guy, with his knuckles tattooed and all that (which for the record isn’t my type at all) but in reality he’s just this funny, teddy bear who is extremely well traveled and versed in the arts. Saying that I wouldn’t want to cross him, I remember his reaction when it came to light The Grinch cheated on me, that guy is so lucky I beat him up.

 It’s a running joke with my friends that leave it to me to date a “bad boy” (air quotes are needed) that is so well traveled and versed in the arts. Most are into drugs or drinking mines into musical theatre, I never do anything the normal way J

Thank you guys for listening to rumblings I actually feel a lot better now, so what are your “bad boy” or “bad girl” (I’m sure I have some male readers) dating experiences? Let me know in the comment box below. And as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxoxo

Killer Wisdom Tooth

The wisdom tooth is most stupidly name thing ever; there is nothing wise about it at all. And I’m pretty sure the damn thing is trying to kill me. Let me explain.

I’m sure you remember a few weeks ago I was having trouble with my wisdom tooth and that infection spread to my sinuses. During that time my eye started randomly twitching but I didn’t think anything of it. That infection cleared but the eye thing continued.

Then this morning I woke up feeling like death. Turns out the infection hadn’t cleared up and the eye twitch should have been my warning sign. Did you know a twitching eye was a sign of a sinus infection? Cause I sure as hell didn’t. And all this crap comes back to my damn wisdom tooth which I’m now positive is trying to kill me.

I’m going to end this blog here because looking at the computer screen isn’t much fun right now. But before I go I am going to ask you what is the most stupidly name thing you can think of? Let me know in the comment box below and as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxoxo

Ask Stupid Questions

Monday morning I have an appointment at the hospital with another pain management specialist. All was well and good until I got the letter, inside the envelope was a yet another HADS questionnaire. This is the 5^th one I’ve had to fill out in a year.

In case you don’t know HADS stands for Hospital Anxiety and Depression Scale. I’m insulted by having to fill out yet another one. It’s like they’re saying “Oh you’re not depressed well you should be.”

The worst part is the way it’s worded everyone sounds depressed but my biggest problem is it says to give your immediate reaction to each statement and oddly enough, my immediate reaction isn’t coved in their options.

“I feel as if I am slowed down” – Of course I do, because I’m actually slowed down!

“I feel restless as if I have to be on the move” – Duh, I have stuff to do and I’m physically slowed down. I feel like I need to be on the move to make up the time I'm losing.

“I get a sort of frightened feeling like “butterflies” in the stomach” – Do you not read my blog? Mr. X killed the butterflies.

“I feel cheerful” – Once again, you don’t read my blog do you?

“I can laugh and see the funny side of things” – Well, I’m mocking you in blog form so I’d say so.

The questions just go on and on. It’s ridiculous. Then there is pain scale page which is stupid because any doctor will tell you, the numbers don’t mean anything. But it did make me laugh because there is a list of the “types of pain” you may be feeling, the list includes; heavy, tiring-exhausting, fearful and punishing-cruel. I said WTF more than once while reading it.

Then the last page looks like an autopsy report. It a picture of a guy from 4 different angles and they want me to colour in and draw arrows on him. All I want to do is give him boobs and some hair.

I hate hospitals but I hate hospital forms more, I guess on the bright side they didn’t ask for my next of kin which makes a pleasant change. Nothing like walking in for a consultation and the first thing they ask you is “who do we contact if we kill you”; Real reassuring.

So that’s my rant over with but what do you hate about hospitals? Let me know in the comment box below. And as always, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxoxo

The Case Of The Valentine's Day Flowers

Something strange happened today......I received flowers.

Ok, I know what you’re thinking, that isn’t strange at all; I mean it is Valentine’s Day after all. But the strange part is I’m not dating or even seeing anybody right now and I don’t even know who sent the flowers, the only thing the card said was “I miss you”.

I’m sure whoever sent the flowers is expecting me to call and say thank you or at the very least no who “I miss you” is. But here’s a little not so secret about me, I’ve dated a lot of guys and I have no clue whatsoever who “I miss you” is.

The only hints I have are he sent tulips, which is my favourite flower, so he must know me fairly well and he clearly knows my home address. That’s not a lot to go on. I was going to post a message on Facebook to thank whoever sent them but then I’ll get everyone saying it was them and I’ll still be none the wiser.

I can safely rule out Mr. X because he’d burst into flames if he did anything nice for anyone but himself, plus I’m pretty sure he doesn’t know my actual address.

And I can rule out Chicken Man, when he sends me things he always leaves a little hint so I know it’s from him. That’s kind of his trademark.

I think I can also rule out anyone who reads my blog. I wrote a piece a few weeks ago about how Valentine’s Day doesn’t tickle my peach. I'm sure if they read that they’d be sending me pizza and beer not flowers.

With all that said I’m still clueless to whom “I miss you” is, but as much as I dislike Valentine’s Day, I really do enjoy a good mystery so I’m going to have fun trying to work this out, until I need to get a restraining order that is.

So how are you spending your Valentine’s Day? Let me know in the comment box below and as always stay and play safe.

Love,                 
                                                  

The Honest Bitch 
xoxoxo

I Can’t Believe It

I got some exciting news from my childhood best friend last night. She’s having a baby! I’m so excited for her she’s going to be a kick ass mom.

This is the first one of my friends to get pregnant who I’m genuinely happy for. Most of the other’s have been either in their teens or had no job or lived at home or knew their boyfriend for such a short period of time. You just can’t be happy for them when you know they’re screwing up their life.

That isn’t the case here, my best friend has her life together; she’s a teacher, her and her boyfriend have been together 7 years and they’ve been living together 2 so under Ontario law they’re pretty much married (common law).

She’s a smart girl, she has her i’s dotted and t’s crossed. That’s part of the reason we’ve been friends so long. I’ve know her since kindergarten, we became instant best friends on a field-trip and have been close ever since.

I can’t believe she's having a baby, I feel so old. She was always one of the youngest in the class with an October birthday and I was always one of the oldest with a May birthday. It’s only 5 months but when you’re young that feels like forever, and I still feel like she’s a little sister.

I can’t help but think back to us as kids playing house, even back then in make-believe land she was an awesome mom and I bet in reality she’ll be an even better one. I’m so excited for her.

Time for my question of the blog, my friend has a boy named picked out already but she’s has no idea for girls names so help her out and leave your suggestions in the comment box below. And as always stay and play (unless you want a baby) safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxoxo

Wisdom Tooth Tourette's

I’m starting to think they’re called wisdom teeth because if you have any wisdom at all you get them removed before the little bastard’s turn your mouth into a living hell of pain and torture.

Despite being one of the few people who actually have room for their wisdom teeth to come in, mine decided they were going to be dicks. The latest tooth to cause me hell decided it was going to come in at a stupid angle. So not only is it causing my gums pain it’s chewing up my cheek at the same time turning me into a super bitch. For me pain does one of two things; makes me cry or makes me angry, this tooth has done the latter. It’s also given me what I call “wisdom tooth Tourette's”.

I’ll be talking normally then I’ll move my jaw in a way that causes my tooth to be a dick and mid-sentence I’ll start swearing saying something like “you dick, you fucking dick.” I have no ability to control this, it’s like my brain is too busy plotting to bite the dentist that it has no time to stop the onslaught of four letter words flying out of my mouth.

Luckily I have an appointment tomorrow to see and possible bite my dentist (he did an X-rays like two months ago you think he could have warned me this was coming). Hopefully he can sort this out. I really don’t want to get it pulled; the image of last time still haunts me. Sitting in the dentist chair for over an hour while the dental nurse holds my head and the dentist pulled at the tooth. I still have nightmares but this is a different dentist so fingers crossed it goes better.

Anyways I’m going to go and swear; before you say anything the MythBusters proved swearing helps to deal with pain so :-P Let me know how you deal with pain in the comment box below and as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxoxo

The Honest Bitch Uses Four Lettered Words

On what fucking planet is this an acceptable message to send to someone? “Hi sexy lady u need cock yet”

I kid you not I received this message from a guy who is almost 30 years old. He has two fucking kids. How is this acceptable from someone who is meant to be a grown ass man? 

I don’t even have a blog based around this message, I’m too fucked off. I just want this out there so the next time someone asks why I’m such a bitch, the answer is clear. I’m a bitch because men made me this fucking way.

Would it kill people to use their fucking brain once in awhile? I mean what did he think I’d say? “Come over now, I want your cock”? Dream on buddy, I have standards and self respect. What a fucking slimy creep.

Anyways since I’ve told you what turns me into a bitch, what turns you into one? Let me know in the comment box below and as always stay and murder asshole men safely.

-The Honest Bitch 

Guys around the Globe

Buy Here

I’m currently reading “Guys around the Globe” by Chloe G. Wilde, I’m about half way through and so far I love it. As the title would lead you to believe it’s about her experiences with men around the world, some of which are frankly hilarious. It’s a very entertaining read and makes me feel a whole lot better knowing I’m not the only one who ends up in these weird situations. The book is definitely worth a read, I’ll include a link so you can check it out.

My only problem with the book is it pokes a massive hole in my theory that English guys are my problem. She’s having some of the same problems I’m having and her guys are from Germany, France, Italy, Africa and everywhere in-between (That’s sounds bad but you know what I mean).  

I’ve always said my issue with people on this side of the ocean is they don’t get me, guys in particularly. We’re just two different beasts that shouldn't mix and that’s why there was a giant ocean separating us in the first place.

I figured the answer to all my dating BS and nightmares was to find a Canadian guy. But now I’m not so sure. Maybe guys everywhere are assholes and my low bullshit tolerance is the problem.

What do you guys think, are guys everywhere the same or is there a difference? Let me know in the comment box below and as always, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxoxo

Backup Plan

“If we’re both single by the time we’re 40 we’ll get married.” 

We’ve all made these pacts, the age varies but fundamentally they’re the same. If you are both single at your predetermined pathetic age, screw the idea of true love, you have a backup plan.

We’ve all made these pacts, and they’re normally done with two types of people.

Type 1: Someone you have a spark with but for whatever reason a relationship just didn’t/couldn’t happen.

Or

Type 2: A friend who you love dearly, but could never imagine doing anything sexual with in a million years.

My pact was with a “type 2” guy I’m going to call Alex. We had a deal that if we got to 40 and were both single we’d marry each other. Alex was the perfect backup plan guy. Not overly good looking (but not ugly), not great with the ladies but a total sweetheart. As bad as it sounds I kind of thought he’d be single forever. Boy was I wrong. Alex got married almost 5 years ago. So much for my backup plan eh?

Thursday night I received a message from one of my ghosts, I’m going to call this one Logan. Logan and I go way back, B.S back (Before Sex). We never actually dated but we did sleep together.... a lot. I guess you could call him my first fuck friend.

Anyways back to the message; one of the first things Logan said to me was “I’ve been thinking a lot about you lately, do you remember our deal?” I don’t remember what I had for dinner last night, so how does anyone expect me to remember a deal I made years ago. To give me a hint he then said “when we turn 30?” At which point a drunken flash back hit me. Oh that deal. Apparently my backup had a backup.

First of all, since when do men actually listen? I don’t even remember that conversation, so how the hell does he. I mean I always thought cleavage power overrides the male memory.

And second of all, Logan now has the record for being the scariest ghost ever. Most ghosts pop up for sex, this........well this is new.

As for why I don’t remember the deal, well Logan is a “type 1” and I think he may have banged the memory out of my head. That happens, right?

Now don’t worry I’m not about to marry anyone let own Logan. I would like to think I’ve come a long way since my banging Logan days. And I’m not about to regress that far.

However the thought hunts me. I mean, what if he by some screwed up act of a vengeful god was the one? I would have wasted the past 10 years of my life. 10 years! That’s like my worst nightmare ever.

Does anyone actually marry their back up plan? Do people do that? I have to ask, do you have a back-up plan? And if so if it came down to it would you marry them? Let me know in the comment box below and as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxoxo