The Grinch Who Stole My 21st Birthday

It’s my birthday! Or as I call it the anniversary of the day I knocked my ex-boyfriend out cold. I wrote a blog a long time ago, August 2011 to be exact, about it and over the years something interesting has happen with that post, it’s accumulated just under 50,000 views. By far my most read blog of all time. It’s horrifying and makes me really wish I had done a better job writing it. So since it’s the 5 year anniversary of that event I thought I’d take another swing (pun intended) at writing it.

Let me start by telling you a little about the Grinch; The Grinch was a 27 year old personal trainer and regular in my local pub. The fact he drank in that place should have been my first warning sign but sadly it wasn’t.

We had been swapping flirty eyes for months when New Year’s Eve rolled around and since I was a wee bit intoxicated (it was New Year’s Eve after all) I decided screw it and make the first move. We ended up having a fantastic time and exchanged numbers at the end of the night.

The Grinch was a real slow mover, we texted all the time and chatted but things were going nowhere. Then after a huge push from some friends, we somehow ended up in a relationship not long after Valentine’s Day.

It was never a happy relationship, that dude had more issues than Playboy. Issues he did a fantastic job of hiding until I had and everyone knew I had that “girlfriend” title.  He had a massive problem knowing when to stop drinking and I later found out he had a drug problem too. Which would have been an instant deal breaker had I known.

I remember one night he called me up begging me to come get him, I reluctantly agreed to come and take him home. I get him to his place and he wouldn’t get out of my car. I pushed him, pulled him, hell I even kicked him and he wasn’t moving. After 40 minutes of this shit I had him half way out of my car. Then out of nowhere he looks at me, laughs, gets back in and shuts the car door. That man is lucky I didn’t kill him right then and there. I decided fuck it and drove home to let him sleep it off in my car.

3 hours later I’m a sleep in my bed when I hear noises at my door, I get up to see what the hell is happening only to discover the Grinch trying to get in my house with his keys. I was fuming but let him in since I didn’t really have any other choose. I gave him my bed and slept on the couch. I was ready to dump his sorry ass right there but stupidly listened to my friends and gave him one more chance instead. (Needless to say I’m no longer friends with those people.)

A few weeks after that nightmare, started another one when he dragged me to his cousin’s wedding. It’s a well known fact I hate weddings and this wedding did nothing to help that. The first problem was he evidently comes from a long line of whack-a-doodles. These people made the Adam’s Family look normal.

The second problem was him. He was drunk, loud and ridiculously rude to his family. I was mortified to be seen with him. He was such an ass at one point I ended up putting him on the floor. He spent the weekend acting like an obnoxious over grown child.

After that shit show I had every indentation of dumping him; however it was only 10 day until my birthday so I figured I’d wait until then, after what that asshole put me through I figured I deserved a present.......or a metal.

As much as I deserved it I never did get that present, 2 days before my birthday he dumped me. That’s right that sorry fucking excuse for a man dumped me! It would be a drastic understatement to say I was pissed. I wasn’t hurt, or heartbroken I was just plain old mad. After the way he acted who was he to dump me?

As if I wasn’t mad enough I found out he was planning to pop in and see me at my birthday party, a party I had been saying for month I didn’t want. But he and my best friend wouldn’t have any of it. I figure since we had broken up I could spend my birthday the way I wanted to....I was clearly mistaken.

To be fair up until the Grinch walked in I was having a wonderful time. Then he walked in and I actually saw red. After that I don’t remember anything until we were stood outside talking and he clearly said something I didn’t like because the next thing I knew I had punched him square in the jaw and he was falling in what felt like slow-motion. I do however remember afterwards feeling really cheated because he went down do easily. I wanted to kick the shit out of him. It was so disappointing, kind of like our relationship.

The real punch line is he was a personal trainer who had just come back from a boxing course......Guess they forgot to teach him to keep his hands up.

I got a lot of praise and few drinks for putting that asshole in his place. He use to walk around with a puffed chest and an over inflated ego. He couldn’t do that after getting beaten up by a girl.

As good as it felt; it kind of sucks that that’s my 21^st birthday memory. He stole that night from me, hell he stole all my birthdays from me. A birthday doesn’t pass without someone talking about my 21^st. On the bright side I did do something that a lot of women only dream of.

I told you about my birthday memory now it’s your turn to share yours, the good or the bad, let me hear them in the comment box below. And as always stay and drink tequila safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxoxo

Guest Post Dilemma

I’ve been working on a guest post (that I may never finish at this rate) for  thesexysinglemommy.net about how we all bitch and moan about wanting to find the elusive triple threat guy; a guy that’s not only nice and sweet but funny too, yet when we were in school we all over looked these sweet, funny guys in favor of guys, who in hindsight, were total douche bags.

Because I’m not a total hypocrite and like to heed some of my own advice, I messaged the guy who in my mind is the quintessential nice, sweet, funny guy that got over looked in school.

Besides the fact it took him a week to reply to me (which isn’t cool and almost caused a blog about us turning those nice guys into douche bags) it went ok. It was nice to catch up with him and there may have been a little harmless flirting going on. But after a couple of days messaging back and forth he vanished without a trace, and after two unanswered messages (which contained questions) and 8 days, I am declaring him officially dead.

Which leaves me with the problem of how to finish my guest post; did we turn all the nice guys into assholes? Maybe I just broke this one or maybe they just seemed so nice in school because the guys we were chasing were such fuckwits in comparison.

What do you guys think? I want to hear your opinions on this, leave your comment in the comment box below and as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxoxo

Judgey McJudge Pants

I am aware that when it comes to my exes I can be Judgey McJudge Pants but you tell me what you think.....

I told you guys last month about yet another one of my exes marring the girl he dated right after me. But then I found out something which I think is fucked up but I’ll let you decide for yourselves.

The guy who I am going to call Bert and the wife who I am going to call Ernie (because I can) aren’t living together. Bert’s still living at home with his mom and Ernie is living with her parents.

And before you say, "maybe they haven’t had a chance to move yet", no, there is no place lined up, hell they’re not even looking.

WHO DOES THAT????

“Oh, let’s get married and live like divorced people” What the fuck? I get that some people choose not to live together before marriage but the key word there is BEFORE. Once they’re married that separate living ends.

But maybe once again I’m being Judgey McJudge Pants let me know what your unbiased thoughts are in the comment box below. And as always my dears stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

Men Are Like Cabs

The older I get and the more I date the more I think Miranda (or the writer who wrote it) from Sex and The City is right

“Men are like cabs, when their available their light goes on. They awake one day and decide their ready to settle down, have babies, whatever, and they turn their light on. Next woman they pickup, boom, that' the one they'll marry. It's not fate, its dumb luck.” – Miranda

There are millions of websites out there that claim to know all the secrets to landing the perfect man and claim if you follow their easy steps you’ll find your soul mate in no time at all. Millions of websites telling women exactly what they want to heard instead of the truth.

The truth being: THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS THE PERFECT GUY!

I am sorry Disney lied to you but the truth is it all boils down to timing and dumb luck!

I’ve dated a lot of guys who were nowhere near ready to settle down yet boom the next women they dated they married. Why? Because they went to bed one night and woke up the next morning with their light on.

It’s not that they were soul mates or because he wanted to change for her, or because she tamed him, it’s dumb luck. And in my case lucky luck because I know what I’ve dated and thank god that light wasn’t on (I must start making better choices).

So what do you guys think is there such a thing as soul mates or is it timing and dumb luck, (or in some cases an unplanned pregnancy) let me know what you think in the comment box below. And as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxoxo

Well Timed Stress

I’ve been telling you guys for years I’m weird and here’s another example of that. When most people get stressed or their head becomes...messy for lack of a better word; they drink or smoke or roll up in a ball and cry, I on the other hand bake.

When my mom was in hospital a few years back I baked everyday for 3 weeks, it’s how I put things out of my mind. Unlike blogging were you have to deal with things, baking is just about that recipe and making sure everything that goes in is perfect so the end result is delicious.  

When head messiness struck me this time I got lucky, it happened to be my step dad’s birthday so I got to channel all my head messiness into making his birthday cake. And because a normal cake is too easy (and I’m crazy) I decided to try and make my first ever shaped cake.

I’d call myself an above average baker but I’m no freaking decorator, I remind you of the cake I made my mom last year.

But I thought about it and decided a keg is a nice easy shape and shouldn’t be too hard to manage. So I gave it go; I don’t think the end result was too bad for my first attempt. I’m not in love with it but I’m sure my step dad will enjoy it....mainly because it tastes awesome. The major upside to shaped cakes is you get to eat some as cut it away so despite its looks I know it tastes good.

So that’s how I deal with stress and a “messy head”, what do you do? Let me know in the comment box below. And as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxoxo

Honest Reaction

I wasn’t going to post a blog today because in the wee hours of the morning my beloved Toronto Leafs clinched a playoff spot for the first time in 9 years. As far as I’m concerned today is a holiday......and possibly a sign of the apocalypse.

But then Mr. X announced over Facebook he’s engaged! In my opinion that calls for a blog.....and tequila not necessarily in that order. Hell I promise not in the order J

My initial reaction was lovely, I said to my friend “I wish them the best; I hope they’re blissfully married for 40 years” it didn’t stay lovely though, I followed that up with “then she runs off with the pool boy, breaking his fucking heart into millions of tiny pieces.” To quote myself exactly I followed that with “cheers”.

I never claimed to be nice, I’m making that clear but I’m honest. And my honest feeling is I hope she emotionally fucks him, the way he fucked me.

I know you’re not meant to say that out loud, I’m sorry but that’s how I feel. I don’t wish him any actual harm, mainly because that shit heals. I want something emotional that way every time he thinks he’s fine, some fucker can pull that scab off and bring it all back up to the surface again.

Now if you’ll excuse me I have some drinking to do, like I said my team made the playoffs and Mr. X is engaged, I’m pretty sure the apocalypse is coming. 

Punch Line

I have a song stuck in my head and it got me thinking; over time do we turn our exes into punch lines?

The song stuck in my head (don’t judge me) is Bridgit Mendler’s “Forgot to Laugh”.  It’s actually the chorus that’s stuck in my head and since I’m betting you haven’t heard of the song the chorus is:

“If you drive away

Hope you get a flat tire, get stranded

If it's goodbye today

Know you're leaving here empty handed

'Cause I got my own life

And you're just a punch line

If you go, you're a joke

I forgot to laugh”

It got me thinking about how over time, most breakups become funny stories; we weren’t laughing at the time but before long we tend to find a way to turn our exes into a punch line.

A while back I wrote a blog about an ex I turned gay, at the time; not funny. Now I can’t get through the story without laughing, it’s hilarious.

The Grinch was a horrible breakup but he became a punch line because for someone who taught boxing, the guy couldn’t take a punch.

Even an ex who I have no problem with (which is rare) is a punch line now because he married a girl that while we were dating he called “Barbie’s crack-head cousin.”

I can’t decide whether we turn them into punch lines to cope with the breakup or if these things were actually funny at the time but we were too distracted by temporary emotions that we simply “forgot to laugh”.

We all know breakups suck and getting dumped sucks even more but when it happens our world doesn’t end, we shake it off and get on with our lives. Yes, we may wish a little harm on our exes at first but before long we find ourselves smirking at the stupid things we hear they’re doing now. They become a walking, talking punch line.

So what do you think; were these things funny at the time or do we morph them into punch lines over time? Let me know in the comment box below. And as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxoxo

2nd Enigma

Why do women get mad when men don’t notice they’ve had their hair done? 

Thoughts:  Women take great pride in their appearance. You only have to look at the effort they make in
comparison to men. As if to prove the point, every item of clothing I am wearing as I type this was the thing that was on top in each respective drawer. Between that, deodorant, aftershave and a touch of gel, I, like most men, have made an effort about as sophisticated as a crayon. Whereas a women does her hair, puts on various kinds of make up, tights over shaved legs and then walk on shoes with stilts attached at the back. It is a daily masterpiece that shouldn't look out of place on the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel!

This is why I think a woman gets angry when we don't notice that she has had her hair done. It is her art, her work, her passion and we have been apathetic about it. It is like seeing the Mona Lisa and then sneezing on it. While Da Vinci was there. And he had just finished it. It is a royal kick in the teeth.

You see, women look good for three people. Other women, because it is a competition, sometimes friendly, sometimes vicious. They will notice that a woman has had her hair done because they know it is important. Then there is themselves. A woman takes pride in her appearance, something that men increasingly embrace but irritatingly to excessive levels. And indeed, men are the third group. Yet this shift from obsession with sports and beer to hair products and clothing labels hasn't taught us men an appreciation for the vanity game.

Women seem to think we should be more aesthetically savvy but we're not. That is why they get irritated more and more. They think we should know by now. That we should appreciate their effort to impress. So why do they get angry? Because they have forgotten that men are not that fussed about a woman's hair. After all, the question "Are you shaved?" isn't asked because every man is after Sinead O'Connor. You get me? (By Joel Sparks) 

Reality: There are a few reason why we get mad when you don’t notice we’ve had our hair done. The first being we assume you haven’t notice because you’re not paying attention to us. In our minds it’s hard to understand how it’s possible not to notice our hair is a different colour or that it’s 6 inches shorter. I mean if something was 6 inches shorter on your body I think we’d notice.

The second reason we get mad is because we partly do it for you! We don’t roll out of bed looking this way. It takes time and effort.  And when you don’t notice it feels like that time and effort was wasted. I swear the reason women post so many self pics to Facebook is because they spent 4 hours getting ready (hair, makeup, waxing, creams, sprays, lotions) and their other half barely looked up from the TV, so they settle for thumbs ups and comments from jealous women and horny men.

The third and final reason we get mad is, it’s not cheap. The average cost of a women’s hair cut is $45 and for some reason there is no exchange rate because in the UK the average price is £45. And that’s just to get it cut, if you want it coloured you’re talking a 100+. How would you like to spend over $100 on something that's attached to you and have nobody notice? That’s not a great feeling.  (By The Honest Bitch)

Enigma?: Apparently not, men seem to understand women on this one. Don’t get me wrong, they’re not about to change but at least they seem to understand what the fuss is about. Which I have to admit, I didn't think they would

So once again no enigma here, men do understand why women get angry when they fail to notice their hair. 

(I’m sorry for the delay in posting this installment of The Enigma Project, hit the link to check out the project so far. Also be sure to check out my writing partner’s (Joel Sparks) blog. Keep those questions coming in and thanks for reading)

Brain Holding Me Hostage

I’ve been up all night thinking; not willingly. My brain is kind of holding me hostage. I’ve let go of a lot of things recently and some people, but all this letting go and moving on has left me in a strange place, I’m left with an overwhelming “what now” feeling.

In 6 weeks I’ll be 26 years old, and I’m definitely not where I thought I’d be at this age and now where I thought I’d be isn’t even where I want to be.

Hell.....I don’t know where I want to be.

Actually I do know where I want to be...asleep but my brain is unwilling to cooperate on that one.

It’s too busy thinking up questions that are impossible to answer and probably shouldn’t be answered. There is a saying that you should never try to answer life’s questions because when you find the answer life changes.

And I agree with that....things that matter today, probably won’t tomorrow. I just wish I could sleep to get to tomorrow.

So what do you do when your brain holds you hostages and plays keep away with dream land? Let me know in the comment box below and as always stay and sleep safe.

Love,

The Sleepy Bitch 

xoxoxo

Reading Comprehension Rant

People’s lack of reading comprehension is riding my last nerve like a drunk girl at frat party. The thing that pushed me to the edge was a post on Facebook that said “The first man to survive going over Niagara Falls later died by slipping on an orange peel.” Now that’s actually a true story, one of the many useless facts I know from growing up in the falls.

The thing that grated on my nerves was the amount of people that replied to that post with “the first person to go over the falls was a woman.” Also true, her name was Annie Edson Taylor, a 63 year old teacher. The legend being she went over the falls with her cat. A cat that entered the barrel black but existed the barrel white due to the fright (More useless falls facts for you)

The nerve grating part being the second fact does not change the first. The amount of people who don’t seem to understand that is ridiculous. Yes, Annie was the first person to go over the falls but that doesn’t change the fact that the first man to go over the falls died by slipping on an orange peel. I’ve never wanted to bitch slap so many people in my life. I just want to scream at them “the first MAN aka thing with a penis. First man, second person!” Holy fuckballs there is a lot stupid in the world; I can actually feel my IQ lowering.

Then I read a comment today and my last nerve broke. I understand my style of writing isn’t always straight forward; I use humour, satire...hell sometimes I just frankly lose my mind in writing form. But this person completely missed the point of the post, instead of taking in the post as a whole he (I’m guessing) picked random lines and then told me, I have no place on the Internet.

Instead of my post being about “relationship equality” being a stupid term because of the different definitions by the sexes which cause huge problems that are unneeded since relationships tend to balance out anyways. It became about women getting free meals.

He then said and I quote “This is a very stupid, sexist and retarded blog”. Well, sir you are a stupid retarded person who clearly lacks basic reading comprehension skills. But thank you for being yourself (and by yourself I mean a huge douche bag) because I can always use blog material.

On the bright side I think at this point I can safely add “extensive experience dealing with stupid people” to my resume, in this day and age that has to be a desirable skill.

So tell me, what was the last thing that made you feel like your IQ was lowering? And what name should we give this latest anonymous commenter? Let me know in the comment box below. And as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxoxo

“I Swear On My Vibrator”

We all have our idiotisms, my friend Jeff has “does that come with beer?” Kelly has “I'm not drunk the ground’s lonely.” Shell has “I think there’s a monkey in his pants.”  And I have “I swear on my vibrator”.

Despite the fact they’re all not normal things to say, it’s only mine that sparks conversation...and if you ask me mine’s the only one that actually makes sense.

I mean hugs, visiting the hospital or walking a friend home clearly don’t come with beer so Jeff is crazy.

Even if the ground is lonely I doubt falling on it and then hugging it would solve millions of years of loneliness so Kelly is nuts.

And I’m sure that grumpy guy or the guy hitting on girls at the bar isn’t hiding a monkey in his pants. I mean surely it’d crawl out the leg or something so Shell is bananas.

A single girl with no current fuck-friends swearing on her vibrator, to me at least, that makes perfect sense.

Let’s think about this, the idea is when you swear on something or someone you’re putting it out there for the universe to destroy if what you’re saying is a lie.

So bearing that in mind having a non-religious person swear on the Bible or to God is kind of pointless. And when someone swears on another human being you always run the risk that they never really liked that person in the first place. I mean I have a few exes (and a cousin) I wouldn’t mind the universe destroying.

So the best way to ensure a truthful statement has to be having the person swear on something they love and or need.

Which brings me back to the vibrator; think about it for a second, what single fuck-friendless girl is going to risk the universe destroying her vibrator? See, told you it wasn’t crazy.

So what idiotisms do you and your friends have and would you risk the universe destroying your vibrator? Let me know in the comment box below. And as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxoxo

Hot Mess Easter

So the holiday the tradition lives on, this holiday I’ve been gifted bronchitis. I swear my body knows when I have down times and choices that time to not even try to fight off germs. Its like “you have time off so why not get sick? It’s a lot less work then trying to fight it off.” .......Stupid smart ass body.

So now on to what I actually want to talk about; songs that sum up relationships. Those songs the teleport you back in time to all those thoughts and memories of a past relationship. I don’t mean “your song” the one you first danced to or any of that. I mean one you listen to after the fact and just seem to sum it all up.

I’ve been listening to Hedley “Hot Mess” a lot lately and that’s the song that in my head sums of the whole Mr. X mess up. It might seem a little odd at first, mainly because you don’t tend to call men hot messes but minus the “disaster in a dress” thing (he’s more a disaster in a suit) the song sums it all up. Right down to the reason it went on for so fucking long and sadly the reason it could happen again I was addicted to the madness. When you’re a blogger madness is good for business, horrible for makeup though.

Chicken Man on the other hand is Bruno Mars “Marry You” that whole relationship was such an easy, fun and care free thing. I could easily see us in the middle of the night deciding we were bored so what the hell? “We’re looking for something dumb to do” is probably how our relationship started J

So what songs sum up your past relationships? Let me know in the comment below and well you’re at it tell me what home remedies you have for bronchitis? I hope you all have a fantastic Easter and as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxoxo

50/50

I’ve come to the conclusion men are illogical, because the qualities about me you’d think would be a big plus to men; apparently scares them.

I wouldn’t class myself as a tom-boy. I like a lot of girly things like the colour pink, chick flicks and I love my cocktails. I also wouldn’t class myself as a girly girl either because I hate shopping, I don’t do high heels and I haven’t worn a dress in.....all the time I’ve been in the UK come to think of it.

I’m what I’d class as 50/50. Growing up all my mom’s friends had boys so I’d watch wrestling, play video games and roughhouse with them. At home it was just me and my mom so we’d watch figure skating, gymnastic, do arts and crafts and I’d play Barbie’s. It’s what I’d call a well rounded childhood, and that balance continued into my adult life. 

I’m a huge hockey fan, I love to watch pretty much any violent sport you can think of, I can lose days playing video games but on the flip-side of that I love to watch gymnastics and figure skating, I enjoy going to the theatre and I can’t get enough trash TV. You’d think the last part would be the deal breaker but apparently not.

Apparently it’s “scary” when a girl can kick ass at COD, or can spend an evening drinking a beer watching and talking UFC with her friends. I always thought shared interests were suppose to be a plus not a negative.

I know when Chicken Man use to talk art or theatre with me it was awesome not scary. He was ridiculously knowledgeable, he put my knowledge to shame and I didn’t find that at all intimidating. So why on earth do men find my sports stat knowledge and video game playing ability scary?

I’m struggling to find the logic in the male mind. When a guy says a girl is “hot and knows her shit” and follows it up with “and that’s why I could never date her.” My head can’t compute that level of crazy.

Here’s what my friend Paul said when he tried to explain it to me; “No guy likes to lose a “who has the biggest cock contest” to a girl. You and your scary guy knowledge beats them hands down making them feel like they have a toddler’s ding-a-ling”. To that I say WTF????

Maybe this why some women choice to play dumb; it’s easier to stroke a man’s ego and have him explain things you already know, followed by the mandatory “oh, you’re so smart” then to sit there and debate whether or not that was goalie inference or not.

What do you guys think? And because that was vague should women play dumb in certain areas? Let me know what you think in the comment box below and as always my dears stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxoxo