Alleviating Guilt

Today was an interesting day; I finally found some resolve on my feelings for CM. Up till now I’ve been kind of wishy washy on the issue. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve liked the guy and there’s been something there but it hasn’t been enough to alleviate my guilt.

Every time I’ve been with him I’ve been kind of uncomfortable and super aware that he isn’t......mine for lack of a better word. And because of that I’ve made a conscious effort to keep my feelings fairly neutral. Which in hindsight is probably why my guilt wasn’t alleviated.

Today was different, I went to see CM on his lunch break, and after talking for a while he kissed me and for the first time there was no moral dilemma in my head, it just felt right, that spark was there and it out weighed everything else.

It’s been an awesome feeling all day being able to answer those “feelings” questions within myself. However they bring their own set of problems...that at least for today, I’m not willing to think about.

I kind of want to live in LaLa land today and just focus on the positives, him being a total sweetheart, really funny and the way he makes me feel. I’ll deal with the other stuff....later.

Anyways my dears, I have to go and swear at the Leafs until they put some damn pucks on net. As always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 
xoxoxo

CM First Kiss

The same day I posted my last blog, CM made his move and kissed me and I’m sure you’re dying to know how it was but sadly I can’t tell you. Why you ask? Because the whole time he was kissing me why brain was too busy informing me there was another girl’s boyfriend on my lips.

I swear the little voice in my head was going “knock, knock......sorry to bother you miss but I wasn’t sure if you were aware that the man current attached to your lips should be attached to someone else’s”.......and yes I am aware that sentence makes me crazy but that’s nothing new.

I was super nervous about the kiss; CM and I spend an impressive amount of time talking during the week and I was worried that it might change things. It turns out he was nervous too but for a different reason, he was worried it wouldn’t go well and he’d get “friend zoned”.

I can honestly say his “friend zone” fear is unfounded, I would not have sent him to the friend zone over a kiss.....well I lie but it would have had to be god awful for that to happen. The funny part is he thinks my fear is unfounded too because and I quote “that just wouldn’t happen”.

As for the kiss from CM’s point of view he seems to have enjoyed it, he’s eager to get his lips on me again, which can only be a positive thing, and apparently I have very soft lips which is only a borderline creepy thing to say. With a bit of luck the next time we kiss my brain will be more on my side and I can have my own borderline creepy thing to say or at the very least I’ll be able to tell you if it was any good or not.

So I guess that brings me to the question of the blog, have you ever been in a romantic situation and your brain refused to co-operate? Let me know in the comment box below and as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxoxo

Be Canadian

The world tends to see Canadians has polite timid little creatures that wouldn’t do or say any that runs the risk of upsetting anyone. While this stereotype may be based in some reality, for the most part we aren’t the reserved push-over’s a lot of the world seems to think we are.

The problem being a Canadian living outside Canada is people love a stereotype when they meet us the focus is on all those “Canadian characteristics” which is all well and good until people take your “Canadian characteristics” as a sign of weakness or you don’t get the respect you deserve because you’re “too nice”.

To combat this over the years I’ve developed a few techniques; there is a tone in my voice I used to make it clear I know what I am talking about; it can come off condescending, it’s not the intent but it works. My other technique is to externalize some of feelings we’re taught as children to keep inside. In other words instead of putting a happy face on and not making scene, I wear the face I’m feeling. I can’t tell you how long it’s taken for me not to feel like a horrible individual for showing my negative emotions.

The problem I have now is sometimes these techniques take over and I forget to be me. I forget that it’s ok to be reserved and it’s ok to be friendly and caring, that these qualities aren’t a sign of weakness but rather a sign of humanity.

And since I struggle to remember this from time to time the code phrase “Be Canadian” came to be. It’s just a friendly little reminder given to me quietly to make me.....more placid. It brings me back to the way I would be acting if my family was present.....most of the time, sometimes even Canadian’s lose their shit.

Anyways I am off to bed to try and remind myself that sarcastic comments said in my head in French does not count as “being Canadian”....what? Like I said sometimes even Canadian’s lose their temper.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

He's Married and That's OK

Last weekend Mr. X got married and apparently this is one of those blogs I have to write despite not feeling the need to write it.

 Admittedly I’m as shocked as anyone that I didn’t end up turning to tequila and crying my eyes out on his wedding day because let’s face facts, I was in love the guy but I guess the operative word in that sentence is “was” because I was fine.

In all honestly Mr. X’s wedding didn’t even cross my mind last weekend. As evident in blog; I was too busy day dreaming about the dude at work I’m not allowed to like. Who, coincidentally, I didn’t like until I wasn’t allowed to like him, then all of a sudden he was cute. Welcome to the wonderful twisted world that is my brain.

As for Mr. X now being married that’s a non-issue, it doesn’t have any impact on me. Things played out they way they should have and I’m satisfied. The problem with relationships like ours tends to be closure or lack thereof; I don’t have that issue. We’ve said our piece to each other and tied up all those pesky loose ends. The Mr. X chapter of my life was firmly closed long before he said “I do”. If anything it’s reassuring to know he’s now married and that that book isn’t going to magically fly open one day.

Anyways I have to go and work on a post for my other blog “Nightly Correspondence”, be sure to check that out. And since there isn’t really a question in this blog, tell me what name you think I should give the guy from work I’m not allowed to like (I can’t think of anything). And as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxo

New Blogs Canada Day

Good Morning and Happy Canada Day! I hope everyone back home is making the most of the long weekend and by making the most I mean getting incredibly drunk. That happens to be my plan for Canada’s 146^th birthday so I am writing this post in my garden Sunday afternoon, so I don't have to drunk blog Monday.

Normally this time for year I am super homesick but if you follow me on twitter (@TheHonestBitch) you’ll know I have no time to be homesick right now, as I am in the process of launching not 1 but 2 new blogs.

I forgot how much work it is to set up a new blog and get everything running smoothly and in this case gets it so everyone involved likes the look and direction of the new blogs. I’m just trying to keep each blog different enough that A. You guys won’t get bored and B. That I won’t be bored writing for them. Nothing worse than feeling like what you’re writing is a job you have to do....after all this is supposed to be fun...isn’t it?

Anyways hopefully by the end of July everything will be up and running smoothly and I’ll stop dreaming about font sizes and blog themes. Oh and the nightmare of blog names.

What is the name of a blog you’d want to read? Let me know in the comment box below and as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxoxoxo

P.S Since it's Canada Day enjoy this fantastic Gunnarolla song

Won't Justify Tequila

“You need to find out when X is getting married so we can plan ahead and make sure we have an ample tequila supply.”  - Nat

I understand where my dear friend is coming from by sending me the above message but do I really come across as a precious flower that is going to fall to pieces because a guy I may have, sort of, had some sort of feelings for once upon a time, is getting married?

I know my friends are coming from a good place but they make it sound like I should be on a suicide watch or I’m going to bust in the chapel to stop the wedding or something. Do people even do that? I mean if everyone got that upset over someone they once had feelings for getting married wouldn’t the world cease to function?

Don’t get me wrong, I have no plans on turning down free tequila but I’m fine and don’t feel like I should have to justify that.

Plus, everyone knows marriage isn’t forever lol

Anyways my dears, what was the last thing you felt you shouldn’t have to justify? Let me know in the comment box below and always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxo

Little Voice

People always say you should listen to that little voice in your head; the problem I have is that little voice in my head, is a bitch! And not just your average bitch she’s a super bitch, I actually call her Bitchany.

Take today for example; I received a phone call saying that I didn’t get the job I interviewed for yesterday because “the interviewer felt my answers, though good, could have been expanded upon more”. 

The little voice in my head wanted me to tell the man on the phone the interviewer is an idiot! The job was for a call centre, tracking the location of people’s packages; who in their right mind wants a long winded person on the other end of the phone when all they want to know is where their god damn package is?!? I made the choice to answer her questions in the most efficient way I could, making sure to give her the information she asked for but in a way that didn’t wastes anyone’s time, after all it’s not story time at the fucking library. I was being considerate, unlike those assholes that had me sit around 2 fucking hours in-between interviews. I was there almost 5 hours yesterday. I could have flown to Canada in that fucking time.

Of course, despite wanting to, I didn’t say any of that to the man on the phone, I may have a bitch in my head but I also have the world’s best flitter between it and my mouth so I just told him I understood and thanked him for taking the time to call me. Before hanging up he asked if he could pass my details on to some other employers because despite the fact “Jane” didn’t like me, he did and he thought there might be some other jobs I’d be perfect for.  So who knows maybe yesterday wasn’t a total waste after all.

Anyways moral of the story; people who make up sayings like “always listen to that little voice in your head” don’t have a clue what they’re talking about.........Oh and Jane from DHL is a fucking idiot.

What name have you given that little voice in your head, and what kind of personality does it have? Let me know in the comment box below and as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxoxo

Written Snapshot

I was having a conversation with the guy I declared dead a few blogs ago, that’s right he’s alive....or a zombie, either way I was having a conversation with Zombie Man and he said something intriguing. He said he enjoys reading my blogs because he likes learning what makes me tick. In that same conversation he also made a comment about me having some “strong points of view” and all that got me thinking about the random comments I get on blogs that I wrote years ago.

Now I’m not going to deny having a strong point of view, anyone who has read any of my blogs can tell you that, it’s a common blogger trait however like most bloggers those views change, sometimes over a long period of time with the input of new information or other time it just takes me pressing the publish button.   

A blog is like a written snapshot; what you read is that person's outlook at that exact second in their life. 10 seconds later everything may have changed. That doesn’t make what you’re reading any less valid, that’s just life. And I think it’s hard for a lot of readers to understand that.

And as a blogger it’s hard to find people that understand that. I will always take my imaginary hat off to Mr. X, I have called that man every name in the book and I think I even made up a few and he doesn’t react to it. He understands the blogging thing. That said, he should understand it because he’s also a blogger.

I find it tedious to deal with comments on blogs that are years old because I’m no longer in that mind space, and in some cases I just don’t care anymore, I obviously cared at some point however now I’m older, wiser (maybe) and those topics, worries and thoughts have been replaced with new ones that are more recent in memory.

As for Zombie Man I am sure there is a lot to be learned about me from my blog, however how much of it is still valid and makes sense outside my crazy head is up for debate.

Let me leave you with this question, is it possible to find that “snapshot” understanding with someone who isn’t a blogger? Let me know in the comment box below and as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxo

The Great Escape

I escaped and sadly there was no pink bus, or pink train or pink plane involved, actually I was involved very little in the actual escape.....so maybe the title should be “I’ve been freed!”

What actually happened is I had a conversation with the job centre and the woman was asking about my hours and what I had been doing at this place. I told her I was working 9am to 5pm, Monday to Friday and that I hadn’t been doing much, apart from typing some stuff up word for word. When she heard that she was instantly unhappy. I thought I was unhappy she raised the bar.

She then asked me to speak to a manager who asked me the same questions and she wasn’t happy either, she was also a little frustrated by the fact the company I was working for and the company on their records wasn't the same. She then passed me on to another guy, who took some details and explained to me what they were told I’d be doing and what I was actually doing weren’t in line so he was pulling me from the placement, I wasn’t to go back and he’d deal with them. My hero J Shame he wasn’t wearing pink.

I’m strangely in two minds about this; I hated the “job” with a passion. I was pretty much doing busy work the whole time and there wasn’t even much of that to do. I enjoy being busy at work, a love a challenge, I love dealing with people, that’s why I’ve done so well in my past jobs. But this job has been the complete opposite. And in all honesty it was slowly destroying my soul....If I have one.....it may have been removed to make room for more sarcasm.

But on the other hand, I loved the people, they were fantastic. They were all creative which is always a huge bonus, we had acting, music, photography, throw in my writing and we had it all pretty much covered. They were an awesome group of people. (And I’m not just saying that because they may or may not be reading my blog)

Even the managers weren’t bad; they all seemed nice and approachable. My problem was purely the job or lack thereof.

I’m going to miss the people; the job on the other hand can suck my.......big toe. And then pay me £1000 because apparently that’s the going rate (never job search on Craigslist).

Since there isn’t really a question in this blog, let me know the strangest thing you’ve come across on
Craigslist. And as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch
xoxoxo

When the fuck did I become an adult?

I recently had one of those scary “when the fuck did I become an adult?” moments and yes, I am aware I am now 26 years old and by law I’ve been an adult for many years but it’s scary when your brain starts behaving like an adult without any conscious effort. I am worried "adult" is becoming my brains default setting and I’m not ready for that.

Just the thought gives me the heebie-jeebies.

Here’s what happened; I was having a Facebook conversation with a friend about Nashville or to be exact about how she needed to hurry and watch the damn finale, when somehow the conversation took a serious turn into current events.  I won’t go into too many details because this isn’t the place for serious talk and I’m sure as hell not the person for it

Me and my friend were going back and forth agreeing on some things, disagreeing on others, just having an honest debate nothing malicious or personal. After we both made our points and came to an understanding she said something that gave me that “when the fuck did I become an adult moment?”

She said “See I can talk to you. You agree, disagree, show another side, more information, where others just go NO, THIS IS RIGHT, YOUR WRONG.”

After she said that I just sat there thinking “when the fuck did that happen? “I mean there are still some topics where I’m all “I’m right, end of” equality is the one that comes to mind. There is no valid argument against equality as far as I’m concerned. But I remember a time where I was like that with most things but now I’m interested in both sides. I want to have a full understanding, even if I don’t agree with it.

My brain is becoming an adult and I don’t like it, what if all the crazy in there becomes logical? I can’t do normal. I don’t like normal. Pandas don’t ride around on roller-skate eating cotton candy in normal brains.

What was your first “when the fuck did I become an adult?” moment? Let me know in the comment box below and as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

 xoxo

“I Swear On My Vibrator”

We all have our idiotisms, my friend Jeff has “does that come with beer?” Kelly has “I'm not drunk the ground’s lonely.” Shell has “I think there’s a monkey in his pants.”  And I have “I swear on my vibrator”.

Despite the fact they’re all not normal things to say, it’s only mine that sparks conversation...and if you ask me mine’s the only one that actually makes sense.

I mean hugs, visiting the hospital or walking a friend home clearly don’t come with beer so Jeff is crazy.

Even if the ground is lonely I doubt falling on it and then hugging it would solve millions of years of loneliness so Kelly is nuts.

And I’m sure that grumpy guy or the guy hitting on girls at the bar isn’t hiding a monkey in his pants. I mean surely it’d crawl out the leg or something so Shell is bananas.

A single girl with no current fuck-friends swearing on her vibrator, to me at least, that makes perfect sense.

Let’s think about this, the idea is when you swear on something or someone you’re putting it out there for the universe to destroy if what you’re saying is a lie.

So bearing that in mind having a non-religious person swear on the Bible or to God is kind of pointless. And when someone swears on another human being you always run the risk that they never really liked that person in the first place. I mean I have a few exes (and a cousin) I wouldn’t mind the universe destroying.

So the best way to ensure a truthful statement has to be having the person swear on something they love and or need.

Which brings me back to the vibrator; think about it for a second, what single fuck-friendless girl is going to risk the universe destroying her vibrator? See, told you it wasn’t crazy.

So what idiotisms do you and your friends have and would you risk the universe destroying your vibrator? Let me know in the comment box below. And as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxoxo

Ask Stupid Questions

Monday morning I have an appointment at the hospital with another pain management specialist. All was well and good until I got the letter, inside the envelope was a yet another HADS questionnaire. This is the 5^th one I’ve had to fill out in a year.

In case you don’t know HADS stands for Hospital Anxiety and Depression Scale. I’m insulted by having to fill out yet another one. It’s like they’re saying “Oh you’re not depressed well you should be.”

The worst part is the way it’s worded everyone sounds depressed but my biggest problem is it says to give your immediate reaction to each statement and oddly enough, my immediate reaction isn’t coved in their options.

“I feel as if I am slowed down” – Of course I do, because I’m actually slowed down!

“I feel restless as if I have to be on the move” – Duh, I have stuff to do and I’m physically slowed down. I feel like I need to be on the move to make up the time I'm losing.

“I get a sort of frightened feeling like “butterflies” in the stomach” – Do you not read my blog? Mr. X killed the butterflies.

“I feel cheerful” – Once again, you don’t read my blog do you?

“I can laugh and see the funny side of things” – Well, I’m mocking you in blog form so I’d say so.

The questions just go on and on. It’s ridiculous. Then there is pain scale page which is stupid because any doctor will tell you, the numbers don’t mean anything. But it did make me laugh because there is a list of the “types of pain” you may be feeling, the list includes; heavy, tiring-exhausting, fearful and punishing-cruel. I said WTF more than once while reading it.

Then the last page looks like an autopsy report. It a picture of a guy from 4 different angles and they want me to colour in and draw arrows on him. All I want to do is give him boobs and some hair.

I hate hospitals but I hate hospital forms more, I guess on the bright side they didn’t ask for my next of kin which makes a pleasant change. Nothing like walking in for a consultation and the first thing they ask you is “who do we contact if we kill you”; Real reassuring.

So that’s my rant over with but what do you hate about hospitals? Let me know in the comment box below. And as always, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxoxo

Ghosts

Someone sent me a question asking why I call my exes ghosts and since my brain is taking an unplanned holiday (too many late nights not enough sleep) I thought I’d answer it here.

First things first, I call both exes and guys I slept once upon a time ghosts. And the reason is very simple, like ghosts you never expect to see these people. I’m not sure why but when you breakup with someone or stop sleeping with them your brain assumes they fell of the face of the planet or died or something. You just don’t expect to see these people ever again.

So when you do bump into these people or they send you a message out of the blue you get a “I'm screwed” feeling in your gut the same feeling I imagine you’d get if you run into an actual ghost.

Maybe I’m just crazy, am I the only one who gets that ghost like feeling when you hear from or see an ex? Or are there some of you out there that actually enjoy seeing your exes? Let me know in the comment box below and as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxo

Valentine’s Day

I’m already sick of hearing “Valentine’s Day is coming up!” and before you say anything, no, my dislike towards Valentine’s Day has nothing to do with the fact I’m single. Even when I’m in a relationship I’m not a fan of Valentine’s Day it’s just not my sort of holiday.

“Yucky, yucky mushy shit” (as I’ve been known to call it) has never been my thing, mainly because I don’t have a romantic bone in my body. I love to watch romance in my guilty rom-com pleasure but in reality I wouldn’t be wooed by a candlelight dinner and moonlight dance. That just doesn’t tickle my peach.

Romance is meant to give you an excited feeling, the normal Valentine’s Day protocol give me....a chance to brush up on my faking skills and there is nothing romantic about faking.

I don’t even understand why guys try the normal Valentine’s Day romance act on me. Anybody who knows me knows my love for the colour pink (in everything expect clothing) is the only thing girly about me. So why do they think all that changes just because the calendar reads February 14^th?

You know what my idea of a perfect Valentine’s Day is? Pizza, beer and my beloved Leafs managing to actually win a fucking game! And if by some act of god they do manage to win, an orgasm to finish off the evening.

Before you say it, yes I know I’m weird but you wouldn’t be reading my blog if I was normal now would you? Since I told you about my ideal Valentine’s Day what’s yours? Let me know in the comment box below and as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxoxo

Unfriending Hockey

After my last few blog posts I thought I’d better message Mr. X to see just how much trouble I was in. And then this conversation happened.......

Me: I don’t like surprises so care to tell me if I’m in any trouble for anything I’ve written lately?

Mr. X: no

           But you are bitter

           Did you not consider why I am in an open relationship?

Me: I’m not bitter and no I didn’t

Mr. X: fair enough

Me: Because you wanted to watch me snap? Lol

Mr. X: no

          because I want a closed relationship with her

          and this is my in

Me: Good luck with that one

Mr. X: I don’t need luck any more

Me: y?

Mr. X: We’ve agreed to be exclusive last night

Me:  Cool

        Well done

Mr. X: Thanks

Me: Don’t screw it up

Mr. X:  I won’t

           so sorry

           no more flirting

Me: Not a problem

       Good luck Mr. X [I used his actual surname of course]

After I sent him that message I did something I’ve never done before; I unfriended someone. I’ve blocked plenty of people over the years but I’ve never unfriended anyone; but in this case he needed to be removed.

If you’ve been reading my blogs for a while you may remember Mr. X’s stunt a few Christmas’s ago when he told me he had feeling for me and then less than 24 hours later block me on everything, Facebook, Twitter, phone, email...he was gone. Let me just say I didn’t do that.

I didn’t block him on anything, I still follow him on Twitter and Skype, he’s free to contract me, I have no problem with him. We go back a long way; if he needs to talk he knows I’ll be there for him but with that being said I still feel that Facebook had to go. I just need my.....cyber space.

After that little conversation I’m not going to lie I wanted to curl up in bed with a bottle of Tequila. But I didn’t; I went for a run instead (which was a stupid idea given my back issues.) Then I just zoned out for the rest of the day I was feeling a little blah (for lack of a better word).

I didn’t sleep too well last night, I just felt off but after waking up to the news that after 113 days the NHL lockout is over, I feel awesome. If someone had told me 114 days ago all I had to do to prevent the lockout was unfriend him, he would have been long gone, it’s not even a close contest. A team I’ve loved forever or a guy that has been fucking me around forever ...it’s no brainer.

It made me think of some dating advice Steve Dangle (a fairly well known hockey blogger) once jokingly gave me “nobody good hates hockey.” When I thought about it, joking or not he’s right. All my exes have hated hockey and all my exes are....”not good”. So the fact less than 24 hours after removing Mr. X (who hates hockey) the sunlight that is the NHL broke through the cloud and now hockey is back makes me smile. Life has a funny way of wrapping things up in a cute little bow.

So what strange but true dating advice have you been given? Let me know in the comment box below and as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxoxo