Reading Comprehension Rant

People’s lack of reading comprehension is riding my last nerve like a drunk girl at frat party. The thing that pushed me to the edge was a post on Facebook that said “The first man to survive going over Niagara Falls later died by slipping on an orange peel.” Now that’s actually a true story, one of the many useless facts I know from growing up in the falls.

The thing that grated on my nerves was the amount of people that replied to that post with “the first person to go over the falls was a woman.” Also true, her name was Annie Edson Taylor, a 63 year old teacher. The legend being she went over the falls with her cat. A cat that entered the barrel black but existed the barrel white due to the fright (More useless falls facts for you)

The nerve grating part being the second fact does not change the first. The amount of people who don’t seem to understand that is ridiculous. Yes, Annie was the first person to go over the falls but that doesn’t change the fact that the first man to go over the falls died by slipping on an orange peel. I’ve never wanted to bitch slap so many people in my life. I just want to scream at them “the first MAN aka thing with a penis. First man, second person!” Holy fuckballs there is a lot stupid in the world; I can actually feel my IQ lowering.

Then I read a comment today and my last nerve broke. I understand my style of writing isn’t always straight forward; I use humour, satire...hell sometimes I just frankly lose my mind in writing form. But this person completely missed the point of the post, instead of taking in the post as a whole he (I’m guessing) picked random lines and then told me, I have no place on the Internet.

Instead of my post being about “relationship equality” being a stupid term because of the different definitions by the sexes which cause huge problems that are unneeded since relationships tend to balance out anyways. It became about women getting free meals.

He then said and I quote “This is a very stupid, sexist and retarded blog”. Well, sir you are a stupid retarded person who clearly lacks basic reading comprehension skills. But thank you for being yourself (and by yourself I mean a huge douche bag) because I can always use blog material.

On the bright side I think at this point I can safely add “extensive experience dealing with stupid people” to my resume, in this day and age that has to be a desirable skill.

So tell me, what was the last thing that made you feel like your IQ was lowering? And what name should we give this latest anonymous commenter? Let me know in the comment box below. And as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxoxo

“I Swear On My Vibrator”

We all have our idiotisms, my friend Jeff has “does that come with beer?” Kelly has “I'm not drunk the ground’s lonely.” Shell has “I think there’s a monkey in his pants.”  And I have “I swear on my vibrator”.

Despite the fact they’re all not normal things to say, it’s only mine that sparks conversation...and if you ask me mine’s the only one that actually makes sense.

I mean hugs, visiting the hospital or walking a friend home clearly don’t come with beer so Jeff is crazy.

Even if the ground is lonely I doubt falling on it and then hugging it would solve millions of years of loneliness so Kelly is nuts.

And I’m sure that grumpy guy or the guy hitting on girls at the bar isn’t hiding a monkey in his pants. I mean surely it’d crawl out the leg or something so Shell is bananas.

A single girl with no current fuck-friends swearing on her vibrator, to me at least, that makes perfect sense.

Let’s think about this, the idea is when you swear on something or someone you’re putting it out there for the universe to destroy if what you’re saying is a lie.

So bearing that in mind having a non-religious person swear on the Bible or to God is kind of pointless. And when someone swears on another human being you always run the risk that they never really liked that person in the first place. I mean I have a few exes (and a cousin) I wouldn’t mind the universe destroying.

So the best way to ensure a truthful statement has to be having the person swear on something they love and or need.

Which brings me back to the vibrator; think about it for a second, what single fuck-friendless girl is going to risk the universe destroying her vibrator? See, told you it wasn’t crazy.

So what idiotisms do you and your friends have and would you risk the universe destroying your vibrator? Let me know in the comment box below. And as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxoxo

Hot Mess Easter

So the holiday the tradition lives on, this holiday I’ve been gifted bronchitis. I swear my body knows when I have down times and choices that time to not even try to fight off germs. Its like “you have time off so why not get sick? It’s a lot less work then trying to fight it off.” .......Stupid smart ass body.

So now on to what I actually want to talk about; songs that sum up relationships. Those songs the teleport you back in time to all those thoughts and memories of a past relationship. I don’t mean “your song” the one you first danced to or any of that. I mean one you listen to after the fact and just seem to sum it all up.

I’ve been listening to Hedley “Hot Mess” a lot lately and that’s the song that in my head sums of the whole Mr. X mess up. It might seem a little odd at first, mainly because you don’t tend to call men hot messes but minus the “disaster in a dress” thing (he’s more a disaster in a suit) the song sums it all up. Right down to the reason it went on for so fucking long and sadly the reason it could happen again I was addicted to the madness. When you’re a blogger madness is good for business, horrible for makeup though.

Chicken Man on the other hand is Bruno Mars “Marry You” that whole relationship was such an easy, fun and care free thing. I could easily see us in the middle of the night deciding we were bored so what the hell? “We’re looking for something dumb to do” is probably how our relationship started J

So what songs sum up your past relationships? Let me know in the comment below and well you’re at it tell me what home remedies you have for bronchitis? I hope you all have a fantastic Easter and as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxoxo

50/50

I’ve come to the conclusion men are illogical, because the qualities about me you’d think would be a big plus to men; apparently scares them.

I wouldn’t class myself as a tom-boy. I like a lot of girly things like the colour pink, chick flicks and I love my cocktails. I also wouldn’t class myself as a girly girl either because I hate shopping, I don’t do high heels and I haven’t worn a dress in.....all the time I’ve been in the UK come to think of it.

I’m what I’d class as 50/50. Growing up all my mom’s friends had boys so I’d watch wrestling, play video games and roughhouse with them. At home it was just me and my mom so we’d watch figure skating, gymnastic, do arts and crafts and I’d play Barbie’s. It’s what I’d call a well rounded childhood, and that balance continued into my adult life. 

I’m a huge hockey fan, I love to watch pretty much any violent sport you can think of, I can lose days playing video games but on the flip-side of that I love to watch gymnastics and figure skating, I enjoy going to the theatre and I can’t get enough trash TV. You’d think the last part would be the deal breaker but apparently not.

Apparently it’s “scary” when a girl can kick ass at COD, or can spend an evening drinking a beer watching and talking UFC with her friends. I always thought shared interests were suppose to be a plus not a negative.

I know when Chicken Man use to talk art or theatre with me it was awesome not scary. He was ridiculously knowledgeable, he put my knowledge to shame and I didn’t find that at all intimidating. So why on earth do men find my sports stat knowledge and video game playing ability scary?

I’m struggling to find the logic in the male mind. When a guy says a girl is “hot and knows her shit” and follows it up with “and that’s why I could never date her.” My head can’t compute that level of crazy.

Here’s what my friend Paul said when he tried to explain it to me; “No guy likes to lose a “who has the biggest cock contest” to a girl. You and your scary guy knowledge beats them hands down making them feel like they have a toddler’s ding-a-ling”. To that I say WTF????

Maybe this why some women choice to play dumb; it’s easier to stroke a man’s ego and have him explain things you already know, followed by the mandatory “oh, you’re so smart” then to sit there and debate whether or not that was goalie inference or not.

What do you guys think? And because that was vague should women play dumb in certain areas? Let me know what you think in the comment box below and as always my dears stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxoxo

Derogatory?

Someone left me a comment criticizing my choice in pseudonym; saying it was a very derogatory term. I couldn’t help but roll my eyes at the comment but it did make me wonder if others thought that way too.

I personally don’t think bitch is a derogatory term. I understand the dictionary doesn’t agree with me but the English language is always evolving and it takes time for the dictionary to catch up with reality.  There are new words added and definitions changed every year. Take “tweet” for example up until the end of 2011 according to the dictionary it was the chirp of a small bird; not a 140 characters of TMI.

I think bitch is kind of like that too, the dictionary has it as one thing but when you look at how it’s used in the real world it means something completely different. It’s not spiteful, lewd, difficult and overbearing women that are called bitches. It’s strong, independent women, who stand up for what they believe in and don’t back down that are called it.

I did a quick Google search to see what famous women have been branded as bitches, the list includes Jennifer Aniston, Jennifer Lopez, Beyoncé, Julia Roberts, Judy Sheindlin (aka Judge Judy), Martha Stewart, Barbara Walters and Oprah.  If these women are bitches count me in.

Interesting side note almost all the women listed above are also listed as the most powerful women in Hollywood. Now that’s some food for thought.

When the word bitch is so often linked to such successful women it becomes a non-insult. Who wouldn’t want to share characteristics with these women? When some says “You’re a BITCH!” my reply is always “and?” I figure if women like Barbara Walters and Oprah are bitches it’s not a bad thing. Hell it’s probably a good thing.

But that’s just my opinion, what do you guys think, is bitch a derogatory term or a title that should be worn proudly? Let me know what you think in the comment box below and as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest BITCH!!

xoxo

1-800 DICK WAD

Does horniness affect the male IQ or are men just born idiots?

Last night I received a text message from a guy I “dated” (and I use that term very loosely; we hung out a few times and slept together once) 4 years ago. The text read “miss you sexy x x x x” Now you don’t need to be a genius to know where he’s going with that message. So I replied back with “Really???” anybody who knows me can feel the sarcasm dripping off that message, but apparently he didn’t feel it because his reply was “mmmm so much x x”.

At that point my ability to play nice broke and I snapped back with “DO I LOOK LIKE A FUCKING 1-800 NUMBER???? I’m not here to service you dick wad!” I really wish I had thought of something better then dick wad but sadly in the heat of the moment I didn’t. I then shot off a message saying “Since you seem to be having trouble understanding English tonight, let me make this easy for you. I wouldn’t fuck you for all the Mojitos in Cuba.” Now that’s saying something we all know how fond I am of a Mojito.

I just don’t understand why guys pull this shit, surely using their hand or investing in a fleshlight is a whole lot easier. So I guess that’s my question to you, why do guys waste their time trying to get laid when there is a quicker and easier solution to the problem? Let me know what you think in the comment box below. And as always stay and of course play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 
xoxoxo

Fake Mother's Day

It’s time once again for me to start my yearly endeavour to find a Mother’s Day card that spells mom right. There will be no spelling it “mum” or “mummy” on my watch. In case you’re wondering why I’m talking about this in March, that’s because the UK seems to think Mother’s Day is a March holiday despite most of the world knowing otherwise.

Since moving to the UK I’ve called this March holiday “Fake Mother’s Day”. I don’t really celebrate it as Mother’s Day, I do give my mom a card and something small because I feel bad that her friends get gifts and she doesn’t but I save her real gift and nice card until Mother’s Day (the real one).

I did a little research on this (stop laughing I do actual research these blogs... sometimes) and it turns out I’m kind of right on the whole Mother’s Day thing.

What the UK calls “Mother’s Day” is actually something called “Mothering Sunday” which is a Christian holiday celebrated on the 4^th Sunday of lent. Only the UK, Ireland and Nigeria celebrate “Mother’s Day” on that day. 

The day most of us know as Mother’s Day (the 2^nd Sunday in May) turns out to be an American invention that only became a holiday in 1914 and has no religious ties at all. It’s just a day to honour mothers and motherhood. So there is your educational fact for the day.

Anyways I’m off to find a sharpie so I can change a “u” to an “o”. Have a fantastic weekend and tell me in the comments below why do they spell it with a “u” anyways? Isn’t it short for mother, where does the “u” come from?  As always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

Life Lesson 384

Trying to write a blog; while on muscle relaxants and painkillers is a complete waste of time.

I woke up this morning to something I can only assume was my attempt at blogging last night. I’m fairly certain most of it wasn’t in English and I’m positive the “pink squidgy marshmallow man” I was writing about is actually my Animal pillow. At least I hope it is.

I’m a little hazy on the details of last night but my back feels much less evil today, so, cheer to the “pink squidgy marshmallow man” I guess lol

What is the last event in your life that you’re a little hazy about? Let me know in the comment box below and while you’re at it what else could “pink squidgy marshmallow man” be? As always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxoxo

The Downgrade Effect

I’m going to start this by saying outright I am a bad person. So keep my open admission in mind while you’re reading the rest of this post lol.

Recently I gave into temptation and internet stalked the girl who put an end to a “relationship” I was in. Like I said I’m a bad person but it gets worse. Once her picture popped up something interesting happened....

I felt instantly better.

I was staring at a girl who looked like she was plucked from the cast of “Little Women”.  I’m trying to be nice here but the woman was the definition of homely. And to be honest it made me smile (once again I know I’m a bad person). It’s one thing when your friends tell you you’re better looking than your exes new girlfriend but it’s quite another when you can sit there yourself and honestly know you are better looking.

It’s an amazing feeling; one so awesome that it takes away all those hurt and angry feeling you have bottled up. It’s that wonderful feeling of knowing his new girlfriend isn’t even on par with you. I call it “The Downgrade Effect”. As bad as this sounds; it’s a very similar feeling to that warm and fuzzy feeling you get from doing charity work. (Once again I’m aware I’m a bad person)

This could have so easily gone the other way, there was a 50/50 chance that she could have been smoking hot and if that were the case I’d be suffering from the “Upgrade Effect” right now. Which normally involves crying and a large bottle of tequila, but luckily for me that wasn’t the case. *Even while typing this I can’t help but smirk* (Bad person, I know)

So what upgrade or downgrade experiences do you have? Let me know in the comment box below and as always my dears, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxoxo

Bitter Cause and Effect

There is a difference between being bitter and being honest. When I was asked about one of my exes yesterday I called him “a tool” and apparently because of that I’m “bitter”. I take offence to that. I don’t like him that’s not bitterness that more cause and effect than anything.

The cause being he made me endure his whack-job family for a weekend then a week later (days before my birthday) broke up with me, I then found out he was cheating on me. Then he had the nerve to show up at my birthday.

The effect of that being me punching him in his face knocking him out cold (don’t ever fuck with a hockey girl) and me losing all respect and willingness to tolerate him.

I don’t think me calling him a tool was me being bitter I think it was first of all the understatement of the century and second of all me being honest. I mean I could play nice of course but frankly why should I? “Playing nice” is just another word for fake as far as I’m concerned. And I’m a lot of things but fake isn’t one of them.

What do you guys think, is honesty and bitter two different things or am I in the wrong here? And what interesting cause and effect stories do you have? Let me know in the comment box below. As always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxoxo

Chicken Missing

It’s been about a year since Chicken Man and I have been in the same country at the same time and I’m really missing him. I miss the easiness of our relationship, I miss that he could always make me feel better without even trying and I really miss well.....his penis, ok, I said it, I miss his penis. I swear to god that thing was built for me.

As fond as I am of his penis, it’s his ability to make me feel better I’m missing right now. I miss how when one of us was sick we’d spend all day in bed together watching films you couldn’t pay most men to watch. He loved theatre so we’d watch so The Phantom of the Opera, Cats, or Les Miserables. Like I said, stuff you couldn’t pay most guys to wouldn’t watch.

It always makes me laugh that when people see Chicken Man they think he’s some tough guy, with his knuckles tattooed and all that (which for the record isn’t my type at all) but in reality he’s just this funny, teddy bear who is extremely well traveled and versed in the arts. Saying that I wouldn’t want to cross him, I remember his reaction when it came to light The Grinch cheated on me, that guy is so lucky I beat him up.

 It’s a running joke with my friends that leave it to me to date a “bad boy” (air quotes are needed) that is so well traveled and versed in the arts. Most are into drugs or drinking mines into musical theatre, I never do anything the normal way J

Thank you guys for listening to rumblings I actually feel a lot better now, so what are your “bad boy” or “bad girl” (I’m sure I have some male readers) dating experiences? Let me know in the comment box below. And as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxoxo

Killer Wisdom Tooth

The wisdom tooth is most stupidly name thing ever; there is nothing wise about it at all. And I’m pretty sure the damn thing is trying to kill me. Let me explain.

I’m sure you remember a few weeks ago I was having trouble with my wisdom tooth and that infection spread to my sinuses. During that time my eye started randomly twitching but I didn’t think anything of it. That infection cleared but the eye thing continued.

Then this morning I woke up feeling like death. Turns out the infection hadn’t cleared up and the eye twitch should have been my warning sign. Did you know a twitching eye was a sign of a sinus infection? Cause I sure as hell didn’t. And all this crap comes back to my damn wisdom tooth which I’m now positive is trying to kill me.

I’m going to end this blog here because looking at the computer screen isn’t much fun right now. But before I go I am going to ask you what is the most stupidly name thing you can think of? Let me know in the comment box below and as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxoxo

Ask Stupid Questions

Monday morning I have an appointment at the hospital with another pain management specialist. All was well and good until I got the letter, inside the envelope was a yet another HADS questionnaire. This is the 5^th one I’ve had to fill out in a year.

In case you don’t know HADS stands for Hospital Anxiety and Depression Scale. I’m insulted by having to fill out yet another one. It’s like they’re saying “Oh you’re not depressed well you should be.”

The worst part is the way it’s worded everyone sounds depressed but my biggest problem is it says to give your immediate reaction to each statement and oddly enough, my immediate reaction isn’t coved in their options.

“I feel as if I am slowed down” – Of course I do, because I’m actually slowed down!

“I feel restless as if I have to be on the move” – Duh, I have stuff to do and I’m physically slowed down. I feel like I need to be on the move to make up the time I'm losing.

“I get a sort of frightened feeling like “butterflies” in the stomach” – Do you not read my blog? Mr. X killed the butterflies.

“I feel cheerful” – Once again, you don’t read my blog do you?

“I can laugh and see the funny side of things” – Well, I’m mocking you in blog form so I’d say so.

The questions just go on and on. It’s ridiculous. Then there is pain scale page which is stupid because any doctor will tell you, the numbers don’t mean anything. But it did make me laugh because there is a list of the “types of pain” you may be feeling, the list includes; heavy, tiring-exhausting, fearful and punishing-cruel. I said WTF more than once while reading it.

Then the last page looks like an autopsy report. It a picture of a guy from 4 different angles and they want me to colour in and draw arrows on him. All I want to do is give him boobs and some hair.

I hate hospitals but I hate hospital forms more, I guess on the bright side they didn’t ask for my next of kin which makes a pleasant change. Nothing like walking in for a consultation and the first thing they ask you is “who do we contact if we kill you”; Real reassuring.

So that’s my rant over with but what do you hate about hospitals? Let me know in the comment box below. And as always, stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxoxo

The Case Of The Valentine's Day Flowers

Something strange happened today......I received flowers.

Ok, I know what you’re thinking, that isn’t strange at all; I mean it is Valentine’s Day after all. But the strange part is I’m not dating or even seeing anybody right now and I don’t even know who sent the flowers, the only thing the card said was “I miss you”.

I’m sure whoever sent the flowers is expecting me to call and say thank you or at the very least no who “I miss you” is. But here’s a little not so secret about me, I’ve dated a lot of guys and I have no clue whatsoever who “I miss you” is.

The only hints I have are he sent tulips, which is my favourite flower, so he must know me fairly well and he clearly knows my home address. That’s not a lot to go on. I was going to post a message on Facebook to thank whoever sent them but then I’ll get everyone saying it was them and I’ll still be none the wiser.

I can safely rule out Mr. X because he’d burst into flames if he did anything nice for anyone but himself, plus I’m pretty sure he doesn’t know my actual address.

And I can rule out Chicken Man, when he sends me things he always leaves a little hint so I know it’s from him. That’s kind of his trademark.

I think I can also rule out anyone who reads my blog. I wrote a piece a few weeks ago about how Valentine’s Day doesn’t tickle my peach. I'm sure if they read that they’d be sending me pizza and beer not flowers.

With all that said I’m still clueless to whom “I miss you” is, but as much as I dislike Valentine’s Day, I really do enjoy a good mystery so I’m going to have fun trying to work this out, until I need to get a restraining order that is.

So how are you spending your Valentine’s Day? Let me know in the comment box below and as always stay and play safe.

Love,                 
                                                  

The Honest Bitch 
xoxoxo

I Can’t Believe It

I got some exciting news from my childhood best friend last night. She’s having a baby! I’m so excited for her she’s going to be a kick ass mom.

This is the first one of my friends to get pregnant who I’m genuinely happy for. Most of the other’s have been either in their teens or had no job or lived at home or knew their boyfriend for such a short period of time. You just can’t be happy for them when you know they’re screwing up their life.

That isn’t the case here, my best friend has her life together; she’s a teacher, her and her boyfriend have been together 7 years and they’ve been living together 2 so under Ontario law they’re pretty much married (common law).

She’s a smart girl, she has her i’s dotted and t’s crossed. That’s part of the reason we’ve been friends so long. I’ve know her since kindergarten, we became instant best friends on a field-trip and have been close ever since.

I can’t believe she's having a baby, I feel so old. She was always one of the youngest in the class with an October birthday and I was always one of the oldest with a May birthday. It’s only 5 months but when you’re young that feels like forever, and I still feel like she’s a little sister.

I can’t help but think back to us as kids playing house, even back then in make-believe land she was an awesome mom and I bet in reality she’ll be an even better one. I’m so excited for her.

Time for my question of the blog, my friend has a boy named picked out already but she’s has no idea for girls names so help her out and leave your suggestions in the comment box below. And as always stay and play (unless you want a baby) safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxoxo