Hot Mess Easter

So the holiday the tradition lives on, this holiday I’ve been gifted bronchitis. I swear my body knows when I have down times and choices that time to not even try to fight off germs. Its like “you have time off so why not get sick? It’s a lot less work then trying to fight it off.” .......Stupid smart ass body.

So now on to what I actually want to talk about; songs that sum up relationships. Those songs the teleport you back in time to all those thoughts and memories of a past relationship. I don’t mean “your song” the one you first danced to or any of that. I mean one you listen to after the fact and just seem to sum it all up.

I’ve been listening to Hedley “Hot Mess” a lot lately and that’s the song that in my head sums of the whole Mr. X mess up. It might seem a little odd at first, mainly because you don’t tend to call men hot messes but minus the “disaster in a dress” thing (he’s more a disaster in a suit) the song sums it all up. Right down to the reason it went on for so fucking long and sadly the reason it could happen again I was addicted to the madness. When you’re a blogger madness is good for business, horrible for makeup though.

Chicken Man on the other hand is Bruno Mars “Marry You” that whole relationship was such an easy, fun and care free thing. I could easily see us in the middle of the night deciding we were bored so what the hell? “We’re looking for something dumb to do” is probably how our relationship started J

So what songs sum up your past relationships? Let me know in the comment below and well you’re at it tell me what home remedies you have for bronchitis? I hope you all have a fantastic Easter and as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxoxo

The Case Of The Valentine's Day Flowers

Something strange happened today......I received flowers.

Ok, I know what you’re thinking, that isn’t strange at all; I mean it is Valentine’s Day after all. But the strange part is I’m not dating or even seeing anybody right now and I don’t even know who sent the flowers, the only thing the card said was “I miss you”.

I’m sure whoever sent the flowers is expecting me to call and say thank you or at the very least no who “I miss you” is. But here’s a little not so secret about me, I’ve dated a lot of guys and I have no clue whatsoever who “I miss you” is.

The only hints I have are he sent tulips, which is my favourite flower, so he must know me fairly well and he clearly knows my home address. That’s not a lot to go on. I was going to post a message on Facebook to thank whoever sent them but then I’ll get everyone saying it was them and I’ll still be none the wiser.

I can safely rule out Mr. X because he’d burst into flames if he did anything nice for anyone but himself, plus I’m pretty sure he doesn’t know my actual address.

And I can rule out Chicken Man, when he sends me things he always leaves a little hint so I know it’s from him. That’s kind of his trademark.

I think I can also rule out anyone who reads my blog. I wrote a piece a few weeks ago about how Valentine’s Day doesn’t tickle my peach. I'm sure if they read that they’d be sending me pizza and beer not flowers.

With all that said I’m still clueless to whom “I miss you” is, but as much as I dislike Valentine’s Day, I really do enjoy a good mystery so I’m going to have fun trying to work this out, until I need to get a restraining order that is.

So how are you spending your Valentine’s Day? Let me know in the comment box below and as always stay and play safe.

Love,                 
                                                  

The Honest Bitch 
xoxoxo

Unfriending Hockey

After my last few blog posts I thought I’d better message Mr. X to see just how much trouble I was in. And then this conversation happened.......

Me: I don’t like surprises so care to tell me if I’m in any trouble for anything I’ve written lately?

Mr. X: no

           But you are bitter

           Did you not consider why I am in an open relationship?

Me: I’m not bitter and no I didn’t

Mr. X: fair enough

Me: Because you wanted to watch me snap? Lol

Mr. X: no

          because I want a closed relationship with her

          and this is my in

Me: Good luck with that one

Mr. X: I don’t need luck any more

Me: y?

Mr. X: We’ve agreed to be exclusive last night

Me:  Cool

        Well done

Mr. X: Thanks

Me: Don’t screw it up

Mr. X:  I won’t

           so sorry

           no more flirting

Me: Not a problem

       Good luck Mr. X [I used his actual surname of course]

After I sent him that message I did something I’ve never done before; I unfriended someone. I’ve blocked plenty of people over the years but I’ve never unfriended anyone; but in this case he needed to be removed.

If you’ve been reading my blogs for a while you may remember Mr. X’s stunt a few Christmas’s ago when he told me he had feeling for me and then less than 24 hours later block me on everything, Facebook, Twitter, phone, email...he was gone. Let me just say I didn’t do that.

I didn’t block him on anything, I still follow him on Twitter and Skype, he’s free to contract me, I have no problem with him. We go back a long way; if he needs to talk he knows I’ll be there for him but with that being said I still feel that Facebook had to go. I just need my.....cyber space.

After that little conversation I’m not going to lie I wanted to curl up in bed with a bottle of Tequila. But I didn’t; I went for a run instead (which was a stupid idea given my back issues.) Then I just zoned out for the rest of the day I was feeling a little blah (for lack of a better word).

I didn’t sleep too well last night, I just felt off but after waking up to the news that after 113 days the NHL lockout is over, I feel awesome. If someone had told me 114 days ago all I had to do to prevent the lockout was unfriend him, he would have been long gone, it’s not even a close contest. A team I’ve loved forever or a guy that has been fucking me around forever ...it’s no brainer.

It made me think of some dating advice Steve Dangle (a fairly well known hockey blogger) once jokingly gave me “nobody good hates hockey.” When I thought about it, joking or not he’s right. All my exes have hated hockey and all my exes are....”not good”. So the fact less than 24 hours after removing Mr. X (who hates hockey) the sunlight that is the NHL broke through the cloud and now hockey is back makes me smile. Life has a funny way of wrapping things up in a cute little bow.

So what strange but true dating advice have you been given? Let me know in the comment box below and as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxoxo

Snap Goes The Bitch

I’m normally a fairly composed person, it takes a lot for me to lose it and when I do there are normally some fairly obvious warning signs I’m about to snap. However the other day there was no warning, I just snapped as if someone had flipped a switch and bam, I was gone.

Ever watch a show where someone is placed under hypnosis and they’re given a trigger word and with a simple little word a perfectly normal person is gone? It happened just like that, however I wouldn’t call myself normal and when I snap I talk at about 500 words a minute. Everyone who has seen me lose it tells me they want to applaud afterwards. I squeeze an hour’s worth of conversation into 5 minutes and the impressive part is it’s all coherent and minus all the 4 lettered words, appears to be fairly well thought out.

Here’s what happened I was on the phone talking to my GBFF (Dave) and I was telling him about this recurring dream I had 3 nights in a row. The short version of the dream is at midnight on New Years Eve; Mr. X gets down on one knee and asks his girlfriend to marry him.

We, ok I thought; maybe my brain knew something I didn’t. So Dave said to me “you and Mr. X have a good friendship why don’t you just ask him?” (It’s always so simple when someone else tells you what to do) So, I sent him a message on Facebook. When he replied.....that’s when I lost my shit.

Before I tell you what he said I need to give you a little back story. About a month ago Mr. X was flirting with me over Facebook and I can’t remember what he said and I’m too lazy to look but my reply was “you have a girlfriend for that”. At which point he told me they’re in an open relationship. It made no difference to me, that’s why I didn’t blog about it, I’m not interested but for my rant to make any sense you need that tidbit.

The reply he sent me was “no, got a gf, nowhere near getting engaged though” at which point I think my head spun around like something from the Exorcist. I lost it.

Here is a little of what came flying out of my mouth at a million miles an hour.

“Girlfriend!? What girlfriend!?! You’re in an open fucking relationship, that's just fuck-friends for people who have no guts. You’re too ashamed to say “this is the girl I’m causally fucking” so you put a pretty little title on it so people are ok with your casual sex. Call it what it is, fuss free fucking!”

At which point Dave said “bitter?”

“I’m not bitter with him; he’s free to do whatever he wants. I really don’t want any of that. Her on the hand....That bitch took my in. I’ve been mind fucking that man for years, laying the groundwork for fuck-friends knowing perfectly well it would lead to more and that bitch took my in. I did the hard work and put the time in and dealt with ALLLLL that crazy and that bitch stole my fucking work. She plagiarized my relationship!”

At which point I burst out laughing and Dave lost it. We both knew it was pointless and didn’t mean anything because I don’t want him anymore but that doesn’t make having your work stolen any less frustrating. It wasn’t about him, it was about my work. We must have laughed for 10 minutes straight. Once we regained our composure, Dave said “you done?” To which I said “Damn bitch, plagiarized my relationship.” And we started laughing all over again.

I’m sure his girlfriend (“girlfriend”) is lovely and blah da blah blah blah but sometimes a rant is in order and I felt amazing afterwards. But I have to ask; would you sleep with someone who was in an open relationship? Let me know in the comment box below and as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxoxo

Bad Boy Bear

In Mr. X’s Q&A blog he impelled he was a “bad boy”. Bad boy my ass, there is nothing farther from the truth. He has no piercing, no tattoos, he’s never done drugs, he doesn’t smoke and in his 30 odd years on this planet the man has never touched a drop of alcohol. The dude could be a freaking Mouseketeer. 

However like most Disney starlets Mr. X has a problem....he’s attitude. I guess it’s better than the normal Disney starlet problems, I mean it could be worse; he could be pulling a Lohan.

Saying that Mr. X doesn’t have the average person’s mood swings I actually call them “bear moments”. Which spices of bear you get depends on the day.

Sometimes you get a Black Bear; where your best defence is to talk calmly and slowly walk away.

Sometimes you get a Koala Bear;  he appears to be cute and cuddly but you should always be careful of the sharp teeth and claws.

Other days he’s like a Panda Bear; there's an, eat, shoots and leaves joke to be made there but we all know I’m far too classy for that. (Stop laughing J)

Sometimes he’s a Grizzly Bear; if he gets within 25 feet, you should spray him with pepper spray for your own personal safety.

Sometime he’s a Polar Bear Cub; really cute to look at but you really shouldn’t touch him.

Sometime he’s a full grown Polar Bear; known to stalk and kill humans just because he’s hungry.

Other days he’s a Brown Bear; well known for his aggressive behaviour, indifferent to humans and likely to kill you for his own personal enjoyment. Your best bet is to play dead and be thankful he’s not going to eat you. (There's a joke there but I’m not touching it with 39 and a half foot pole (bonus points if you can name that song))

Anyways I’m going to end this ridiculous post and head to bed (I’m over tired, can you tell?), so which bear moment do you think I’m going to get when he reads this, let me know in the comment box below and as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxoxo

Christmas Eve

Seeing as it's Christmas Eve I’m going to keep this blog pretty short, mainly because I can’t wait to get on with my Christmas Eve tradition of snuggling up in my pjs and watching far too many Christmas films, starting with, of course, my favourite White Christmas.

Before I get on with that, I want to let you know about an upcoming blog that both excites and slightly horrifies me. Mr. X came up with the idea of doing a Q&A for you guys. I love the idea of you guys being able to get the whole picture and see things from his perspective as well as mine. Its part of the “Honest” in The Honest Bitch, I like to be as transparent as I can be with you but with that being said it still scares me, but I’ll get over it. So if you happen to have any questions you’d like Mr. X to answer please send them my way.

Before I go I just want to make sure I wish you all a very Merry Christmas and I hope Santa brings you everything you want and more. Have a fantastic day. I’m off to dream of a white Christmas.

Love Always,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxoxo

Butterflies

Most women want what they can’t have, so when I found out a few months ago Mr. X was in a relationship, my friends were worried the grip he had on me would tighten.

I’m not most women.

The thing that made Mr. X so alluring was that he was something attainable I couldn’t attain. The best way I can describe is it was like we were in the same book, on same chapter, on same page but different paragraphs; so close you could almost touch but never quite close enough.

The whole thing played off the fact I am the world’s most stubborn person. Yes, there was a sexually spark there too which didn’t help but the main issue was my stubbornness. There were days were I looked at him and if he were any other guy, I wouldn’t have given him a second look, drunk in a bar at closing time. It was purely my stubbornness that kept me interested. 

Admittedly there were other days were I wanted to rip his clothes off and do unspeakable things to him but that’s not what we’re talking about here.

So when I found out he was in a relationship besides being shocked that he was capable of human emotion, I was actually relieved.

He went from something attainable I just couldn’t attain, to something unattainable that I couldn’t attain so there was no point in trying. I was oddly at peace with everything.

I’m still oddly at peace and my friends think I’ve lost my mind. They don’t understand how I can still speak with this man who once drove me crazy and had all this power over me and now he’s just like all my other guy friends, nothing special.

I put it like this, when he went for attainable to unattainable the book closed, when the book closed it killed all the butterflies that were inside it and without the butterflies....you have nothing.

Does any of that make sense at all? Or are my friend right to think I’ve lost my mind? Let me know what you think in the comment box below. And as always my dears stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxoxo

Christmas Lunch Hell

Later this week I’m going to a Christmas lunch with my step dad’s mom and my mom which isn’t my idea of a good time but it’s not the end of the world. Then today it was sprung on me that my step dad (who isn’t going to the lunch) invited his brother and wife to join us. I’m not impressed.

I’m dreading the “isn’t it about time you get married and start having kids?” conversation. It wouldn’t be so bad if they were asking because I’m in a long term relationship but that’s not why they’re asking. They’re asking because they’re kids who are both younger than me are married and their eldest who is 23 has two children.

They always say it like what their kids have done is such an accomplishment. Since when is getting knocked up at 18 by mistake, then a year later being pursued into marring your baby daddy and then a couple years later having another unplanned baby while being financially unstable and working a low paying job, an accomplishment?

Personally I think the real accomplishment is being 25 and not popping out kids I can’t afford but that’s just me and well.......logic.

“But don’t you want to get married?” They make it sounds like I’m a freaking old maid. I’m 25 not a 125. Just because their kids got married at a young age to people they weren’t dating all that long doesn’t make it right.

I’ll get married when I’m good and ready...maybe.

“You’re so good with kids, you should have some.” Once again I’m 25!!! My biological clock isn’t ticking yet. I have a good 15 childbearing years left; I have plenty of time before I need to start worrying about this stuff.

Not to mention the fact I need a guy and his sperm before I can even start to think about that stuff. Marriage, mortgage, kids in that order is the plan. But before any of that can happen I have to find a guy I don’t want to murder. (And I will personally punch anyone in the face who even suggests Mr. X but that’s a rant for another day).

I’ll never understand why anyone would want to push me into get married off. I’m happy just being me and taking my time, the only thing making me unhappy is people trying to tell me what to do with MY life. Last time I check choosing not to be a statistic is a good thing. You’d never fucking know that in that family.

So what do you dread most about spending time with your extended family? Let me know in the comment box below. And as always stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch 

xoxoxo

Mr. Dexter

I’ve either been watching too much Dexter lately or my dreams are trying to tell me something. Last night I had a well and truly fucked up dream about Mr. X.

In season 7 of Dexter there is an episode called “Do the Wrong Thing”. In that episode Dexter takes Hannah McKay to a Christmas themed theme park and in a “shocking” turn of events it turns out Dexter has a kill room setup there. He prepares to kill her in his normal way but instead of stabbing her in the chest he cuts the plastic off and fucks her right there on his kill table. 

In my dream Mr. X takes me to an empty hockey arena (even in my dreams there’s a freaking lockout) and we’re skating around having a fun then everything goes black. When I come too I’m on a metal table in a room with a Zamboni and everything is covered in plastic. Mr. X is walking around the table with a large knife telling me whether I like it or not he has the control and it’s time our little game came to a permanent end. He’s lifts the knife up to plunge it in my chest and I say “If you really had the control we wouldn’t be here.” And give him a mischievous smile. Down comes the knife and slices the plastic off and we have sex right there on the table without saying a word. When we were done we were laying there with his arm under my head and he sits up a little and leans into me and says “you know this isn’t over right?” and with that I woke up.

The funny thing was when I woke up I wasn’t scared or anything I was actually laughing, it wasn’t till much later I started wondering whether my brain was trying to tell me something. I know Mr. X and I have a fucked up.....whatever the hell you want to call it but I’m pretty sure.......ok like 70% sure he isn’t trying to kill me.

So that begs the question have I been watching too much Dexter or is Mr. X in fact trying to kill me? Let me know in the comment box below and while you’re at it let me know what strange dreams you’ve had. As always my dears stay and play safe.

Love,

The Honest Bitch
xoxoxo

Unwanted Dream Guest

The past few nights I’ve been having dreams about someone I haven’t thought about in over a month. I haven’t even accidently called out his name while rabbiting. So him showing up in my dreams was an unwanted surprise, and hopefully by me writing about it these dreams will stop and I can go back to my normal dreams about a very naked Dwayne Johnson.

So the first dream was very short but enough to shake me up and confuse me a little. It goes like this....

I heard a knock at my door so I answered it and there stood Mr. X, I give him a look well known as the “what the hell are you doing here”. He says “I’ve been thinking about everything and we should stop messing about and just become the good friend we’re destined to be.”

At that point I woke up as if a clown was trying to kill me. The whole thing left me a  little confused. We haven’t spoken, I haven’t Facebook or Twitter stalked him, I had truly moved on. Just when I thought I was safe.... bang there he is. I put the mishap out of my mind and went back to sleep.

The next night I was struggling with wisdom tooth pain so took some painkillers and passed out.

That night I had dream that creeped me out and frankly pissed me off.

I was sleeping in my bed and Mr. X enters my room through a window, he lays down next to me and strokes my head and gives it a little kiss. Then when I start to stir he disappears like a ghost.

At which I woke up and throw my pillow across the room. I was pissed. Not a little “the Leafs missed the playoffs again” pissed I was “you’re making me leave Canada a year before I graduate with my class, so can fuck some guy” pissed.

I was mad that he showed up in my dreams, I was mad that my brain let him in. I was mad that he wasn’t acting like himself in my dreams, I was mad at how creepy he was, I was just mad. And in case there are any men reading this, yes women can get mad at you for what you did in their dreams, we’re women we can get mad about anything.

I have no idea what these dreams mean; I just hope writing about them will put an end to it and gives me back my clothing optional Dwayne Johnson dreams (and yes I did just put that line in so I could add another picture of him). If not I may just have to give up sleeping altogether. So help me feel a little better, have you guys ever had any unwanted visitors in your dreams? And what do you think my dreams mean? Let me know in the comment box below.

As always stay safe, Love,

The Honest Bitch  
xoxoxo

Change

Last night I was in a bit of a playful mood so when I noticed Mr. X had posted an uncharacteristic status I couldn’t help but give him a hard time about it. After a few exchanges in which he didn’t bite back like normal he basically said being in love has changed him. My first reaction was “awwww did the Grinch’s heart grow 3 sizes. You know people die from enlarged hearts every day.” What can I say? Being a bitch and sarcasm kind of go hand in hand.

My next reaction was one of repulsion. I fell in love with his quick-witted, sarcastic, sharp tongue humour. Him turning into a sensitive shell of his former self is (lets go with) unappealing. Whoever he’s dating can have him; I like my men a little less close to metro sexual line.

My exchange with my former kryptonite got me thinking about change and whether changing in a relationship is a positive or negative thing, a sign of growth or maybe one of insecurity.

 We’ve all been there, dating someone, normally someone out of our league, and all of a sudden you’re pretending to like music you’ve always hated just because “it’s his favourite”, watching war films with more blood then acting. We’ve all done it at some point. Dating someone out of our league changing ours selves in an attempt to prevent him from figuring out you’re out of his league.

That’s insecurity for you and it’s definitely not a positive thing.

On the other hand there are relationships that change you, admittedly all mine have been for the worse. But I hear it works the other way too. Relationships that make you want to be a better you. Unlike mine which make me want to become serial killer but I’m sure that’s just me.

Becoming a better person isn’t a bad thing, it’s actually very positive but a fixer upper man isn’t.

That’s what I wonder about how many people actually change within themselves and how many are moulded in a fixer upper project?

When you get in a relationship you’re meant to love the person for who they are and not what you can change them into. Plus you can’t really change anyone; fixer upper changes are most always temporary. They relapse and you’re left frustrated and disappointment, trust me on that one.

This is one of those blogs where I just don’t have an answer or even a clue for that matter. So I guess I’ll leave it in your capable hands. Is changing in a relationship and good or bad thing and why?

As always my dears stay safe and have a great weekend.

Love,

The Honest Bitch

xoxoxo